Overwhelmed Mother of Four

Read Have a Different Kid by Friday by Dr. Leman.

It CHANGED my life. I have not felt frustrated, angry, upset, bothered, annoyed, etc. in weeks. In fact, I haven't fussed, raised my voice, cajoled, pleaded, negotiated, etc.

Get it. It's a FAST read! I picked it up at Barnes & Noble and it is available online.

S

I have 3 boys close in age 16,who is adhd,15 with a bad temper, & 13 who is spoiled. I was told yelling only makes matters worse, so I use reverse psycology sometimes. I learned to ignore the yelling. As a single mom they don't listen to me. I can relate to always being stressed out. With my 15 year old I have to ignore him, because he gets violent. I notice the more you yell, the more they rebell. Maybe take a deep breath before saying anything might help. Other than that, best of luck to you. G.

The kids are not too young to start doing small things to help you. Tell them what you want them to do and that you have more time to play with them when its done.

HEHE! Anyone that says no is LYING! =) But when those little arms wrap around your neck and that sweet little face looks at you and says, "I love you Mommy" you will KNOW it is worth it!
You know what is even better??? When your 23 year old daughter has just said "I do" at her wedding and comes and finds you..."Mom, I love you, thank you for always being there for me". THAT makes it worth it!
Yea...it's ok to feel like running away, just realize that in the end it is all worth coming home for. =)
Get some time to yourself, have a cup of coffee with a friend (hello?? have you seen my recent post, hint, hint?), let the house go occassionally, go on a date with your hubby. And don't be so hard on yourself.

YES, YES, YES. But don't run away! My husband's ex-wife did that, abandoned her family, and she missed out. Her loss is my gain. = )

Here's one tip (which only works if you have some support from others)---separate them. In other words, divide and conquer. If they are all together, you are outnumbered. Let the older kids play outside, while the younger ones are eating or bathing. Take one to the grocery store, while one is napping, and the others is with grandma or dad.
It has gotten easier this year, as the youngest is almost 9. They are all much more independent now. Honestly, my first 2 years as a full-time step-mom were more bad than good. I have many years education/experience/training in Child Development and Behavior Modification, and I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was doing the right stuff---but it was still SO hard, because my boys are all SO stubborn! For example, none of them like doing schoolwork, and the younger ones *literally* used to cry and whine for TWO HOURS, over just 15 minutes of homework!! EVERY single DAY! Thank goodness that ended, finally, and now they do it on their own.

It is my opinion that there are many mothers who either lie, or speak only positive statements deliberately, for fear of being judged by other mothers. I have heard so many moms go on and on, about how motherhood is so sweet and magical, and only a few who are really honest and say it is difficult almost to the point of misery sometimes.

One such honest mother is a kinder teacher, who doesn't want to be a stay at home mom because teaching a room full of kinders is easier than staying home with her own kids! And she is afraid to tell most people that because they always portray their kids as "perfect". But she also says that she knows some kids are just easier, and some are harder.

My husband says that once you have 3 kids, it gets exponentially harder, because they start to form alliances ( like 2 playing together and one kid excluded and feeling upset!)

I got to a point, when the boys were younger, when I didn't even recognize myself...I changed, as a result of being filled with exhaustion, adrenaline, frustration, resentment,etc., all the time, for so long.
I think living with kids can be a lot like living with wild animals---and how appealing does that sound? Bill Cosby has an old routine in which he explains that children are "brain damaged people"---and if you think of them that way, you might find you give up the arguments, realizing that they simply cannot understand your point, and won't understand it for years.
Just try to teach them the basics---be clean, be healthy, be honest, be kind, have some self control, follow rules...that's all you can do. And it takes years for them to get it.

But the best part of parenthood to me, is watching them grow up, seeing how they turn out, seeing the results of all your hard work...and you miss that if you run away.

I am so proud of my boys now, and of myself--- for everything I went through to make them into good people.
My home, once filled with so much conflict, is now filled with happiness. It was worth it. = )

I can't say I understand, I am only mother of one, but I can suggest a great book!!
It's called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood
Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years.
It is an AMAZINGLY helpful book. It taught me to handle my kiddo without breaking a sweat or yelling. The best thing about this book is that the "rules" are so easy to apply into your life, and they REALLY work. I saw incredible results in both myself and my daughter in just a month.
The authors of the book also hold "Love and Logic Conventions" all over the U.S. as well.
Check it out Mama, and I wish you the best of luck!

S.,
Yes, when my kids were smaller I felt that way a lot. I would take a break to get away from it and for my sanity.
If you can take the whole day off. That was not a possibility for me. I only got a few hours in the evening and it was not enough. You will probably feel guilty as most of us do, but what most mothers don't realize is that we all need "me" time very much. Now that my kids are all teenagers it has gotten easier since they are all in school. Actually it got easier once they were in first grade and up. I wish you luck.
W. M.

I am overwhelmed and only have 2. I grew up with 3 sisters so I can sort of imagine. Do you have family around who can help? My goal is to not let my self feel feel (too)guilty about my parenting. Above all, I try to be kind to myself and kind to my children. I have tried to stop yelling at my kids because it makes me and them feel more angry, and rarely helps in the long term (Despite this, I still yell , just less). Oh yes, I do alot less cleaning or try to make cleanup fun game--that works sometimes...
The only other comforting words I have is that they will get older and will grow up. Try and enjoy the good parts and send them to other people's houses more often.

I'm sorry, I had to laugh when I read your post! I only have 2 and I feel the same way! As a matter of fact, I have taken to telling my 3 yold "I'm gonna snap!" She says "no, don't snap mama!" And 9 times out of 10, I end up laughing. This is what I have learned- my babies make me cross-eyed, stick a needle in my eye crazy. Every day! And I love them more than life! Sometimes need to remind myself how much, but Humor is my best friend. Follow the advice of the other ladies and find time for yourself. I'm in a book club, we meet once a month (BTW we are always open to new members) Also, I go out alot after the kids are in bed, mine are on the babies time, so that's pretty early, but in your case you could put the littlest ones down and leave the older 2 for your husband. I find that I like going out after the kids aer in bed is a little more relaxing, knowing that all is well on the home front, and I know my hubby could do it alone, but I feel a bit less guilty. (Also he likes having a couple of hours alone at home too)

S.,

Your feelings of stress and exhaustion are completely normal. I only have 3 but often feel that way. One of the things I do to is have date night every week with my husband. I told him that I was feeling stressed and alone and exhausted all the time. I told him that I needed time with my best friend so that I can be a better mom to the kids. That convinced him and now we have been going out weekly for 6 1/2 years. It is great because I get to talk to an adult, and I get to have time away from the kids. Then, about once a month or so I have some alone time. I go to the mall or to a park or my husband takes the kids out without me so that I can be alone and only do something for me. These things have helped with the feelings of stress, exhaustion, and momness.

I know that I am lucky to have a husband that does these things for me, but he needed to be prodded into action. He was happy to have me home, but he did not know that I was feeling this way until I told him.

ONe last thing that I do. Daily quiet time. It started when the oldest started school. While she was doing her homework, the other 2 were napping or sitting on their beds reading while I took an hour to myself. I still take this time even though no one takes naps anymore. This helps me to have the energy to finish my day and still have enough energy for my husband.

You are an awesome woman to want all those kids. They are lucky to have a mom that loves them and takes care of them. You just need to remember to take care of yourself. Because if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

D.

I'm also a mother of (4), 10,7,5,4,... I know how you feel! My advice, is to shut the house down, turn off games, movies, TV, play time, when everyone gets out of hand. March them in their room,if them keep crying or apologizing to get out of it, mom stick to your guns, you need to wait them out. Or have them clean up,you need to be a drill sergent, with these many kids, routine, and constant reminders for good behavior. Then when you see some progress reward them, take to the $1 store, give lots of praise of good job, thanks for helping mom. I know its hard, I so wanted to run away, I just found time to myself, When they start up, I say okay house is shutting down, count down to 10, no one listen, shut it down.. Well those are thoughts, YOU ARE DOING GREAT! Hang in there!

i agree with helen d! i have 2 kids ages 3 1/2 years old and 3 1/2 months old, so i can't totally relate to you and your 4 kids dilema, but i can say that it sounds like you do need some time for yourself!! are you a stay at home mom? when your hubby comes home from work does he help you out with the kids or offer to help with chores? if not, then i think it's time for him to pitch in a little and see how stressed out you are! it's important for us stay at home moms to give in a little and let our husbands or even family members or friends help out when he are in need of it! i too sometimes feel i want to run away just for a day just with 2 kids!! i find myself snaping at my toddler just because my newborn tires me out all the time and i feel so bad about it! i too love my family to death, but the stress and pressure of being a stay at home mom can get to you because all you see is house, kids, mess and you don't even get to see the shower sometimes! so my advice is to take a day and have someone to take care of the kids and you go do something for yourself! go shopping, go to a spa, get your nails done or even just go grocerie shopping! haha..i have yet to do that one!! also, when you can't get away from all the the stress, take a moment,even if the kids are screaming, go to a quiet room in the house or even outside, sometimes it's the bathroom for me, close your eyes,take a deep breathe, or even a couple of deep breathes and try to relax a little, then go back to the mess..lol..sometimes that helps me!! sometimes at night when both kids are asleep, i'm able to have me time! take a shower, check my emails, EAT!, or just sit down on the couch watch my shows and relax! i know it's crazy cuz i should be sleeping, but there's no other way to get my time during the day! i hope i've given you enough advice..sorry this was so long..hehe..take care and hope things get better for you, AND they will!!!

Try reading Dr. Barry Brazelton's book on Discipline. Google it. And, try to stay calm and NOT yell ... it just makes things worse. That's a lot easier to say than to do, but it's my advice to you.

You feel as you do because you DO have your hands full. Four kids under 7 - of course you're overwhelmed! As your baby and toddler get older you'll feel much better. You won't be in the trenches dealing with diapers and children that don't speak. You might have other issues and busier schedules but everyone can talk, go to the bathroom on their own and feed themselves - that's a big deal! To help yourself feel better try to remind yourself that this is temporary and that it's normal to feel as you do. Perhaps you could find a way to make some more time - putting the 3 YO in preschool; having 6 & 7 YO in day care after school; having a babysitter come in once a week; hiring a house cleaner; having a tween neighbor come over a couple times a week and entertain the kids while you're at home. Good-luck!

I'm a mother of 4 boys - ages 9, 6, 4 & 3. I'm soo relieved to see that I'm not alone if feeling stressed, exhausted, & frustrated. I feel soooooo overwhelemed with everthing, it's crazy. My husband and I both work, although he gets to work from home 3 days out of the week - he doesn't do much on the domestic side, other than the ocasional -taking out the trash or picking up his plate after a meal. That said, I do it all, cook all meals, help kids with homework, laundry and cleaning the entire 6 bedroom house! I feel horrible that I'm always crabby! It's like my mood is ALWAYS foul. I try not to let it show, especially with my boys. But I must admit, it is very difficult to hold it in. There was a point, when the boys were really young that I've asked my husband for help, either with dinner or maybe doing the laundry. But, when he would help, it was always half done. Meaning, in order to save enevergy, he would fold the clothes damp. His dinners were - let's just say - not all nutricious - eg. frozen corn dogs thrown in the microwave. So, I stopped asking for help and I've taken on the entire load. Now, here we are, 9 years into this, I feel EXTREME RESENTMENT towards him. Lately, he's complained to close friends and family that we don't even talk any more. My response in my mind is - WELL, IF YOU WERE TO HELP ME, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I WOULDN'T BE TOO EXHAUSTED TO TALK TO YOU. I work 45 miles away from home - so I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. to be at work at 7:00 a.m. and so I have to go to bed no later than 10:00 p.m., my husband, is the opposite, gets up @ 8:00 a.m. so he stays up till 12:00 a.m. watching mindless shows. UGHHHHHH! (Sigh-Sigh) Anyhow, as you can see, things are not good in our marriage, but my focus is not my marriage, but my 4 innocent little boys that need me. They are my only reason to keep on going. Thank you for your article, it gave me some comfort knowing, feeling overwhelmed is normal.

Dear S. J: I amthe mother of 5, have raised several foster children and have many Grandchildren.
You bet I have wanted to abandon ship esp as they became teens. To top it off my husband was dying of cancer and one of the children is special needs.
Every so often my kids would come in my room and find I was on strike! They would ask " when or where is dinner? MY REPLY--- let's look it didn't come by me.
They went and fed themselves and the younger ones. I was blessed with a friend who we didn't get together often but for 30 years every morning we talked on the phone while we cleaned house,sewed,debated issues, helped each other through my husbands illness and death and her divorce. I belong to a wonderful church group that was there for me and never made me feel like I was a bad person for needing time off.
I actually had one church leader tell us women to go to the mall dressed as we wanted without makeup, and play hide and seek. We did and encouraged others to join us and we all had a blast. Not everyone is able to do this kind of stuff. Years ago as a young military wives(husbands are deployed often) we got together and made a list of what we liked to do and didn't and went to one another's homes to do it. We even found as money was tight that we could cook together and have great meals and save money-- our husbands all knew there was a 100 0/0 chance we were all having the same thing everynight. **The point is we gathered we were honestly looking for a way to fix our need and we supported one another. **
I hope that you will speak out, shout out or just cry out and find others who feel like you do or others older that have been there and know the way down the path to help you. Being a mother, mother in law, wife, foster mother, and Grandmother and friend, are the most important things I have ever accomplished in my life. I have run a business ( I have done 200 weddings), worked for others, and not worked at all, been a student, served on so many boards and am a special needs child advocate. BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS AS MUCH AS BEING A MOM to me. That does not mean I did not enjoy ME time or wish that I was Catholic so I could become a nun so I could do good things yet not have to be on duty like a mom and wife 24/7 365 days a year. What got me past the running away stage??? ;my contacts, friends and family and great help from a doctor who listened to me and saw I was being molly perfect and needed to let go of that. When you are being as brave as you are by telling mama source women about your issues you are taking the 1st step to getting back to being happy and healthy, because we all care. If you need time and there is no family that can help give you time off, or your husband is working both ends of the candle, PLEASE CONTACT ME AND WE CAN TALK!!!
You need to have a safe time to vent and grow as well as making it good for your children who are at incredable ages for being needy and also discovering the world and all it's rainbows. So please let people in and let them be apart of what you are feeling. Just remember you are a woman that many in the world don't understand because you chose to become a mother and are trying to do the job description not many would apply for not to mention there is not enough money in the world to pay you for what you do out of careing and love: cheerleader, ring leader of the zoo, taxi service, nurse, doctor, advisor, teacher, and the list goes on and on. Please contact me I will be thinking of all of you, Nana Glenda
ps- my son just came in and told me to add something. When the children were younger and sometimes I had several because of extra children to care for; everyday when Perry Mason came on I would unplug the phone and just sit or lie down.* The world didn't end becaue I checked out for the hour.* At the end of the show the kids got me. They to this day call it the "Perry Mason Hour" and when they find it playing on tv will call and tell me so i take a break. Nana G

Consider talking to your family doctor- I had post partum depression with my first- and I recognized it as depression- very "boo hoo" and then with my second it played out totally different- first it was delayed and it manifested as a serious lack of patience- I was very snappy and irritated- not what I would define as classic depression, but my doctor and I decided on a low dose of anti-depressants and they have helped.
Understand that medication does not solve any problems- nothing in life is that easy- but it might give you a small platform from which to try some of the other very valid suggestions.

On top of needing a break from the constant demands of children, some people are introverts (myself included) which doesn't mean that one is shy nor doesn't like to be around other people. It just means we get energized by having alone time. This is really hard when you have kids!! Whether an introvert or not, I think it's critical you have a big chunk of time to yourself. I sent the kids down to grandma's for a weekend ( 2 days) during which I did nothing- no cleaning, grocery shopping. Just stayed in bed and went out to a nice meal. I felt refreshed, rested and ready to take care of my family again. It was the best thing I did for myself and my family. Don't feel guilty about making yourself have time for yourself. If you are well, you'll be a better mom!

S. J

I just read your post and can soooo relate. I have 5, 4 are 5 and under, and it is constant! I have to get a sitter or have my husband take them for a couple of hours so I can be a better mom to them. Know that taking time out for yourself is NOT selfish! It refreshes you to do a better job for your family. (Just remember to come back! :D) Now that summer is near, think about finding a high school or college student to come in even 1 morning a week. You don't have to pay them a whole lot, (but enough to be worth it), and you will be surprised how you can just go into your room and shower and do toenails or whatever for an hour straight without worrying about what's being spilled or broken! Please consider it, your family needs you to be strong, not worn out all the time!

Take care!
D.

Hi there,
I a mother of four kids too. Mine are aged differently, two teenage girls 15 and 16, and a seven year old son and a four year old little girl..
Yes, sometimes I get so overwelmed too!!! When every direction of the house, someone is saying, "Mommy can you help me find my......" "Mommy, can you help me with my homework.." or as you said, breaking up fights, or mediating some arguement or other.

Are you a stay at home mom? I am, and after a days worth of all of that, it is so frustrating when my husband comes home with a 'what'd you do all day?' related comment because the house is in a bit of a disarray or something's not done..grrrrrr......what do you do to help relieve the pressure?

I too am a single mother of four. If you have family support you may be able to get the much needed assistance. It is the hardest job we'll ever have. Children deserve so much more than one overwhelmed parent. I love my children however I often find myself daydreaming about having a life outside of struggling to be super woman, an incredible provider and having absolutely no HELP ! It's a lonely world out here! One day these beautiful children will grow up to hopefully be happy self. Sufficent loving adults. Until then put on your biggest smile, try to always speak calmly, cry only in the shower @ night and remember one day I pray you may have love and good sex again ! Good luck I. Hope I didn't depress you futher !

S.,
First of all remember even if no one else realizes it, you are only human. It is no easy task raising children. I want to share something with you. I remember when my son was was around 5 years of age (he's 15 now) at one point, I was so exhausted that I found myself yelling quite a bit. I will never forget the day that my baby said to me "mommy why are you always yelling at me". At that point, I had to take a moment to remember what is truly important. Just know that we all go through it and it does get better. The most important part is to have some "me time". Believe me, I know that is easier said than done. Even if it is just 1 hour when they nap or attend school. Just remember, it won't always be as overwhelming as it feels right now.

hi, I use to feel this way before. I hated the feeling.... I trained myself to take naps during the day. I know it's hard to do when having younger ones, but even if you put them in front of the tv for a 10 min power nap. 10 min. can help you feel re-energized and you won't snap as much. Also, i have heard and read that a daytime nap at least 3 times a week will prevent heart diease. Which totally makes sense. Your tired and cranky and most of all stressed that it would be no surprise to have a heart attack. I actually get a nap in everyday if I am at home. At first my younger ones would wake me up, but now they know that mom needs a nap to make it thru the rest of the day. and I'm not yelling as much anymore, they are cleaning up their own mess by putting their toys away. I also taught them that when they are done with playing with those toys they need to put them away before pulling out more unless they are playing with all of them otherwise the mess is much bigger to clean up. it took a while, but they get it now.

A little secret: when I was first training myself to nap and couldn't fall a sleep, I would and still do sometimes do short hums over and over. It clears my mind and helps me to relax and then i'm out. I have even told my daughters to do it on nights they can't sleep and it works. It's funny, but it helps.

Also, don't feel guilty about taking naps. i use to, and then got over it. I use to think that I shouldn't be sleeping when there is so much to do and the kids are up, but not anymore, naps make me a happier paerson. My kids get into the snacks, but sometimes it doesn't bother me, because I am sleeping.

I hope this helps and hope you feel better.

N.

Yes, of course we've felt like that. If there is any way to do it, you should get away from the kids more. The best thing about getting away is that it makes it more possible to enjoy the kids when you return.

I don't have many more good ideas than that -- it's just hard, and four is a lot.

S.! be a S.T.A.R! Stop, Take a deep breath, And Relax!

I have only two kids and the math just does not equal up! one + one does not equal 2! one + one = Jon and Kate + Eight! So I can only imagine that four is 4x the joy and pleasure, but also 4x the work! So you have to stop beating yourself up and realize you're just having one of those moments when it all just gets to be too much. Be confident that the moment will pass!!

We all get in a funk and the quicker we acknowledge the moment, the quicker is passes. Also, you probably DO need to get away; so demand the support and get away for a few hours! A happy mom means a happy family!!

Regardless of how many children we may or maynot have, it's a lot of work, and we have all be there!!

Your kids deserve a happy mom....and you're totally and completely responsible for that, so make it happen!

Big Hugs!
S.

Hi S.!

I had to respond trying to find words of encouragment :O)

I think I can speak for all of us, that feeling like this can happen at least 20 times a year!!!!!! :O) No matter how many kids we have!

I can honestly say, that I have been more relaxed this past year. The reason? Perhaps it's because I eased up on myself. You see, I am a mom that likes everything in it's "place". Well, some things I keep going, but several things and routines I have changed over the last year to try NOT to be so overwhelmed. Things like carrying a backback in my car FULL of extras for my kids, so I'm not re-packing on a daily basis. I tried to live "smarter". Now, developing a new routine took a month or two, then to ACCEPT the newness took longer :O) But now, over a year later, my house is not perfect, but I am more relaxed and my kids are happy. The bonus: I don't yell as much anymore. I have found that by ME being relaxed, I can communicate with my kids on a better level, and their response is better in return. This includes the diminish of arguments.

I resorted to doing my dishes only ONCE a day, instead of washing the "favorite" cups after every use. Sure it USED to prevent tears, but it also taught them to wait for the important things in their life. And Yes, doing dishes once a day means looking at a dirty sink almost all day.

The trick is to live "guilt free", and that's not easy for any mom! If you need to lay down, even though it's time to rotate laundry, then lay down! Even 5 minutes of laying down listening to your kids is better than nothing. My mom line in those moments of their arguments was, "You need to figure out how to work together, or we will not be going to get an Ice Cream cone later". It was amazing how the older one's try to make things work, just because I bribed them with ice cream :O) Result, I got to finish my 5 minutes! And sometimes even 10, after they got used to it :O)

Hang in there, S.! You are completely normal. You've already helped yourself by reaching out to Mamasource.

~N. :O)

Stay in tune with your mental state, and if you need it - take an anti-depressant. It may help you cope better. I'm assuming that you are not still breast feeding the 1 year old - if you are then hold off on the meds for now. Also, find ways to take more breaks!

Take heart in knowing that you are doing the best that you can. You are not alone...believe me. I hope I can give you some advice to carry you through this difficult time. Call a family meeting on a day that you're not rushing off to do activities. Sit the children down and explain that "mommy doesn't want to yell and bark out orders all the time and in order for that to happen, all the children will need to do their part. Create a chore chart and follow through with praise. If they forget, no need to yell, just take away tv time or some other privilege. If they throw a temper tantrum, stay calm, don't yell, just keep taking away more privelages until they stop griping. The first few times will be painful but believe me, they'll soon learn to obey. Also explain to them calmly that there will be no fighting and if they can't calmly work it out together, be specific about what their consequence will be. As for the 3 and 1 year old, time outs should work until they're 4 yrs old. In the meantime, don't sign them up for too many activities or you'll drive yourself nuts driving here there and everywhere. They'll be plenty of years for that when your younger ones are more manageable. For now, make sure you have a girl's night out, friends can really help get you through these challenging times. Good luck to you.

I'm sure we can all relate. I have one daughter and I feel this way sometimes. Find a way to get a break, maybe a walk, something that's just yours so you can think and relax without dealing with everyone else. Even a little bit can make a big difference! Hang in there, you can do it. C.

Oh yes...you are not alone. Most of the time lately I have felt like..."this isn't much fun". I'm constantly saying "no" to my one year old and three year old...I'm changing diapers or wiping bottoms, trying to keep up with the house which is a joke and don't find any time lately for myself. Forget makeup and fixing my hair...which then makes me feel more like an overtired slug. I also have a 13 year old that needs attention and shouldn't be forced to watch the little ones as much as she does when I need a moment to wash dishes or go to the bathroom. BUT....when the day is done and the kids are safe, at home and either in bed or settled down...I'm so proud of them and so happy to be their mom. I am trying to make sure I really enjoy those cute moments and make sure I kiss, hug and love them EVERYDAY even when I'm at my wits end. Your feelings are totally warranted and normal. The best advice I can give which has helped me from time to time is....take a day or if you can, an evening AWAY from the kids. Give yourself time to miss them. They need to miss you too and that seems to refresh your state of mind. Even a couple hours away at a movie, or dinner with friends would give you a breath of fresh air away from your family and help make you a more patient mommy.

(by the way...I snap at my 13 year old and 3 year old way more than I should...it happens and we have to make an effort to try not to do it...but it's a normal reaction to our frustration and lack of sleep)

Good luck S.!

S. J - I empathize with you. I too am a mother of four (9, 7, 4, 1) and often feel so tired of it all. Although I am trying to be better about letting things be and enjoying motherhood, it is difficult when as you wrote, there is constant need to cook, clean, mediate, repeat-repeat-repeat-yell, just to get things done. Unfortunately I don't have great words of encouragement, but I offer solidarity and solstice. As the kids mature and are able to do more things for themselves it has become somewhat easier for me and it will for you too. One of our roles as parents is to teach our children independence and responsibility. Growing up in a family of four kids we learned that pretty early, so I am trying to teach my kids early also, although being a stay at home mom I do tend to put more pressure on myself than my working parents did. My oldest 3 for the most part have learned how to get breakfast for themselve or each other with minimal help if any, from me. I will be teaching my oldest this summer how to do work the laundry machines so that he can do his own. My older 2 are responsible for putting away their clothing and keeping their rooms tidy. At their ages it is still a struggle, constand reminders to put things away, etc., but I am hoping it will pay off. An older friend of mine, whose older chldren are lovely, did these things with her kids and they seemed to turn out great. As for the burnout, try to get away at least once a week for an hour even, to do something that you really enjoy. I shop the farmers market as my quick get-away alone time on the weekend. It could be excercise, going to the library, meeting a friend for coffee. Good luck to you!

Hi S.. I am also a mother of four kids: 11, 9, 3 and 10 mos old. I do get overwhelmed from time to time, it used to be consistent before and come to find out it is due to exhaustion and I did and still will get exhausted, but the key thing is rest, (at night of course)and time to yourself. I also run a home daycare and once they are gone for the day I still have my own 4, so sanity is possible:) What I do and have always done since the older two were younger is, if I see consistent fighting between them, and I know it's something minor, but one of them insist on tattling...I put them together in their room, and tell them to try and figure out the problem and that they are not coming out until I see they can work it out...they come out fine. Also, I notice that when we've had a long weekend or day, there is more of a chance of them fighting or acting out...so I make sure they are rested. If i see that they are just giving off some attitude after school or even on the weekend, I tell them to go sit it out, in there room to relax and read or just relax and their refreshed. Sound too perfect? Well, I'm not trying to make it sound easy, because trust me, I know it is not. Another thing I do is I throw the towel in when hubby is home. I do say I need 15 minutes, when my childcare children leave and I go upstairs in my room and lock the door. I then come back downstairs and do dinner. The older two have chores they help with. We are also keeping on our 3 y/o to help clean her toys since she loves taking them all out and leaving a trail. I let her know that she cannot take out a toy unless the previous one is put away. Hang in there. I do a lot of meditating and prayer.....mostly a lot of prayer. But, please make sure you set that time aside for yourself. Sometimes if I need to, I will walk outside and just sit on my porche while they eat dinner b/c sometimes I am not too hungry, more tired. It really helps to get yourself out of the situation of being stretched too thin. Otherwise you'll hardly ever enjoy motherhood. it's not fair to you, nor your family. Take a "time out" even if it's locking yourself in your room!

Yes, it can feel overwhelming. I have 4 children also but they are all grown and I have 9 grandchildren with # 10 on the way. My 4th was born 3 days after my 1st was 6 so I can relate to you. Dr. Lehman does have excellent words for moms. Also pick your fights, don't sweat the small stuff. If the house is not perfectly clean you will not remember it when they are gone. You and they will remember the times you would just sit and hug and talk and play. Get alone time every week. There were times I just would walk down the aisle of the grocery store and sing to myself. I was a SAHM and I can remember my child coming home from high school telling me how much it meant to him that I was home when he came home from school. You have they most rewarding job in the world. I commend you. Blessings on you.

I felt this way so so so much after my second daughter was born. After a regular check-up at my OBGYN, i was sent to a specialist who found out I was hypo-thyroid and anemic. Very VERY anemic. Once I got that taken care of with medication, I was much better and only seemed a regular tired and overwhelmed... :) You might consider a check-up. When you aren't tired, you can deal with kid-life so much better.

Anyone that says no is trying to be a perfect "supermom". When we get honest with eachother with our struggles and imperfections that is when we can truly help eachother in this joyous challenge of Motherhood. Soooo, yes, you are normal!!! I don't know you so I cannot go the way of depression or imbalance. To me it sounds just like you are overwhelmed and exhausted with the daily demands of life with little ones. So take note of the advice the mamasource ladies give you and try to implement them.

Here are a few things I do:
Use friends for babysitting swaps so you can get a break occasionally.

Take an occasional nap and make sure to have "quiet time" each day. I sit outside, drink a cup of tea and read a book, write in a journal or just enjoy the peacefulness. This is when my kids are at school and the 2yr. old is napping. When they are home I pop in a short movie or send them to their rooms for short quiet time.

Date night with my sweetheart is a priority!!

Get the kids involved with the chores and make it fun. Fun music playing and a little treat after. Even my 2 yr. old helps. Teach them young then it will get so much easier. Now I can tell my older two to mow the lawn, each take a bathroom to clean,dust, empty and load the diswasher...and they can do it!!(but I don't expect perfection)

As for the yelling and fighting, that needs to be nipped in the bud....and you to Mom. We have learned that our kids model how we react. So I make it a conscience effort to not yell. I read somewhere that kids will yell and argue with you to get you down to their level. So, remain calm and show them how to deal with conflict.

Have a family council regularly. Each family member talks about what they are struggling with. Only one person talks at a time...no back and forth disagreements.

SOmething we do in our family to deal with the fighting, sibling rivalry and conflict is constanty find ways to teach teamwork and love/respect for family. We do games with eachother and put rivalrying kids on same team. We do charts with rewards for the behavior we are trying to teach. Love chart-earn raffel tickets when we see you showing love or helping your sibling. Then after they earn a certain amount they pick from the "treasure box"(homemade coupons for an outing to get an ice cream cone, stickers, pencils....keep it cheap) We use the chart concept ALL the time but just change the concept we are working on. We have "Happy Plate" night where once a week we pick the child that has been really good and they get to use the happy plate for dinner. They get special treatment by choosing who says the dinner prayer, they get their food first and then at the end of the meal, everyone around the table says what they love about the happy plate person. This has been a godsend to our family!! I picked up a cheap plate at the dollar store and put happy faces all over it...best dollar I ever spent!!

Sooo, this was long but just wanted to share concrete things we do in our family to help foster love which then helps the mood in our home....which then makes for a happier MOMMY.

Good luck!! Remember that you are doing the greatest work you will ever do within the walls of your own home. Your kids love you and will be so greatful you were there for them day in and day out. I read a great book recently that put alot of the Mommyhood craziness into perspective. Dr. Laura's book, In Praise of Stay at Home Moms. Such a good read.

I really liked Helen's post. Even lifted up my spirits. I too am a mother of 4. But you are in another league with your 4 being under the age of 7. Now thats hard!! My 3 1/2 year old and 7 month old are a full time job in themselves. Lucky for me my other two are 12 and 9 and pretty much are through alot of training. It's just little stuff with them. My advice is this. Aside from reading books, (which I highly recommend throughout our parenting journey) I have found myself caught in a negitive cycle before. I made a decision that I wanted the bulk of my day catching positve behavior and celebrating the good achievements my kids made. Face it ,it's either focus on the negitive or the positive. I like to do what makes me and my kids happy. So changing my focus also changed theirs because they are going to do what ever we are paying attention to. They want our attention. They'll get it one way or another. So I make it my goal everyday to not sweat the small stuff, Say yes as much as I can And when I say no I mean no. I help them see the good in each other. Confrontation and diffuculty dosn't have to be negitive. Use it as an opportunity to teach. In fact maybe that helps is to think of your self as a teacher alot of the day. They need to learn the tools to get along and make right choices. This takes positve energy from you. Give them words for their behavior not just no's. Have goals for them to earn a reward. I think if you just change the parenting channel your on your children will follow. I know it worked for me. Dos'nt mean it's perfect. But who ever found true happiness in perfection. Hugs to you and have a positve day with those kiddo's. p.s I think we could all benifit from Helen's advice. I think I'll make dinner reservations.

In order to be a good parent, you need to take care of yourself. A minimum of one time per week for yourself, is necessary. If you can't afford a sitter, arrange a swap with another mother. It is also important to have at least one date per week with your husband. You don't have to do anything but relax.
Make yourself a priority! You will be a better mother.

My sister has 9 kids. It'll get easier when they are just a little bit older. Hang in there! All your hard work will pay off.

You're not the only one! Sometimes, I just need to have dinner by myself! I leave the kids with my husband, grab my dinner and shut myself in the bedroom.

Hopefully you can have your oldest 2 kids help you pick up around the house. Throughout the day, my house gets trashed with toys. I have a rule that before they can watch tv (after brushing teeth), all the toys and books need to be picked up. Often tv is only for 10 minutes. I also use this time to cut nails and hair. That way it's not really a bribe, but a reward since if it takes them too long to clean up, then my kids don't get to watch at all. Try to take time for yourself every day. Even if it is during the youngest's naptime. My 2 year old has nap time (but she plays in her room first), and my 4 year old has "quiet time" where she plays quietly in her room. Both girls have to stay in the rooms. Sometimes taking a deep breath and counting to 30 helps, too! Last, try to do something once a week (at least once a month) for yourself for a couple of hours. Go out with friends, have a book club, get out! : ) You might even set up play dates with friends. See if you can drop off the kids with a family member or friend. You may need to have other kids over and take care of them, but at least you can alternate every week or so!

You REALLY sound like you need a break. Are you a single mom? If not, your husband needs to take the kids out of your hair on a regular basis. If you are a single mom, you need to find someone to watch them on a regular basis, so you can have a break. And keep in mind, a clean house is worthless if the people in it are unhappy and stressed out. Housework can always wait--- don't worry, none of it will go away.

Try to find an activity you can enjoy during your "break" time, something you do just for your own enjoyment, like painting, or sewing, or reading, or taking an exercise class. It might seem like just one more thing you have to do, but if it's something you look forward to, and gain satisfaction from, you will be better able to be patient with your kids, and you will feel less overwhelmed.

I've read some of your requests, and you've gotten lots of encouragement, but I think you also want to rule out any hormonal issues. When my thyroid is out of whack (it changes levels with the seasons), I am less patient or tolerant with my kids - when the medicine is at the proper dosage, I have more energy and enthusiasm for life. About a year ago, I got the Mirena iud and my mood swings have almost completely disappeared with the regular low dose hormone that is now in my body. I would definitely try to make time for a dr. appt to discuss these hormonal issues.

I have a 3 and a 1 year old and I feel that way a lot and I only have 2 kids. What I do is, with the kids, try to remember that they are kids and are being kids and when I find myself yelling, take a step back. I go outside for a few minutes and re-evaluate the situation. I ask myself if it is really worth yelling over or is it just me. I pick my battles. When my husband gets home i throw the kids at him for at least an hour so i get some alone time. I also let some of the cleaning go. I leave messes out, we have kids, not everything needs to be clean all the time. I also have my 3 year old help me. You are not alone, but being overwhelmed you need to step away from the situation and let some things go. Trust me , it will make your life easier.