Overweight Teenage Daughter

My sister had a similar issue last year, it has since changed. Her 14 year old daughter is now quite average in weight. The only change in the house hold is that my sister lost 30 pounds herself and did not "preach" what she did not "practice" her self! They began to walk together and both changed their eating habits. It wasn't instant, when my sister first began excersicing and eating right, her daughter was not "on board". When she noticed the difference in her mom, she gradually began to join in! Good luck. I know that as a mom of teenagers we have to be so careful not to lower self-esteem, they get enough criticism from peers!

I was an overweight child until I found out about fresh veggies for snacks, such as carrots, celery, broccoli and cauliflower. I little low fat dip is good with all of these. Try to impress upon her that weight causes health problems. I hate people who think thin is beautiful, but to me health is most important. Lots of veggies, raw or cooked without butter are good. My favorite snack is a radish or carrots. Good luck.

At 13 years of age...you are the culprit! Do not blame genes! She is 13 and drinks starbucks! You need to be more involved in her life..work out together, eat healthy together, lose weight together, all the while spending time together.

I wouldn't tell her she needs to start dieting at all. I would start a healthy eating/exercise program for the whole family, and I would not say one word about the reason for it, unless you want to say that you feel the whole family needs to start getting healthier. You do not want to damage her self-esteem, or cause other family members to resent her because they don't get to eat junk food any more.

If she likes sugary stuff, then don't have it in the house. It isn't benefiting anybody's health. Starbuck's? Tell her that the economy is such that Starbuck's is a luxury that your family can no longer afford. Try finding a healthy beverage for your family to enjoy. Smoothies, or herbal teas (sweetened with honey, splenda, or some other type of sweetener if sweetening is necessary) might be some better options.

My mom and I joined Weight Watchers together when I was about your daughters age. It teaches a healthy lifestyle and just becomes a healthy way of life. We even started walking and eventually were power walking. I maintained a normal weight through high school and beyond! This created a healthier lifestyle for the entire family that lasted decades - and kept my mom and I very close through my trying teen years!

As someone who has ALWAYS struggled with her weight (including teen years) I think you need to tread lightly, but you can't ignore it.

I completely agree with some of the other posters who said 1) get the junk out of your house and 2) start walking or excersising with your daugher. If you have weight to lose too -- you may even want to join a Weight Watchers group together.

Another BIG thing I think would be important is not just buying and preparing healthier meals --- but including your daughter in the "cooking". That will help her start to better understand what is actually in her food and will help her to be able to make smarter choices.

The worst thing my mom did to me was to go on and on about my weight. Like alot of the other posters I agree that what you need to do is get rid of the sugar along with carbs. Look into healthier choices- whole grain bread, vegetables,fruits. Look for a website that will help you prepare healthy meals.

I struggle with my weight. The only things that help have been, cut the carbs, cut the sugars (also carbs) and be active. Another excellent point by others. Don't call it exersizing just start a routine of time with her and make it a walk in the park. Good Luck.

Along with making healthier meals for your WHOLE family at home (so it's not just a focus on her), get her involved in a physical activity that she would enjoy. It can be boring just to go and exercise. Find a class or sport that she would enjoy participating in. Swimming, dance, or karate might be good choices. If she's involved in something fun, it won't be a focus on exercising. It will just be a benefit that comes with doing something fun. Talk to her and decide together on a activity that would be fun for her.

Be VERY careful how you approach this. Do not make it seem like it is only her problem and/or her fault. I think the approach of what another poster said would work best. Change the eating patterns and lifestyle of the whole family to one that is healthier. Talk to the doctor for a recommendation to a dietician. Avoid Weight Watchers and similar places right now. Take a class with her about food and nutrition from a repritable source. Then it's not as much of a focus about weight loss as it is about healthy eating (which will lead to weight loss).

If you put the focus on your weight loss and healthy lifestyle(or your husbands ?) and INVITE her to participate you will get her to do what you want better than putting the focus on her.

And, I can tell you that she already knows that she is heavier than most of the girls in her class, she doesn't need to be told.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

I would emphasize "gaining" a healthy lifestyle instead of "losing" weight. None of us likes to "lose" anything and making this distinction has helped many people that I know. You are the best influence on your daughter - If you eat well and are physically active. If you can find activities to do to together that would be great,too.

The CDC has several resources for guidelines for a healthy lifestyle for kids. Here is a link to a site designed for 9-13 year-olds (might be a little "young" for your daughter):

http://www.bam.gov/

And some for you:

http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/physicalactivity/brochure...
http://www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/everyone/guidelines/c...

Hi P.:
I would make getting in shape and healthy eating a family project. You don't say if your family tends to be sedentary or active. Exercise comes in many forms, you could form an interest in bird watching. Bird watching involves walking and hiking as well as learning about the birds. You could get one of those wii systems, I don't have one but have heard wonderful things about them. You could talk to your daughter and see what her interests are: dance, gymnastics, martial arts are all good forms of exercise and the classes should be very interesting and should be changing all the time. However she may feel embarrassed in dance or gymnastics the girls who take these classes tend to be slim and clicky. As an overweight teen she is alrealy feeling self-conscious. A good martial arts instructor will assess her fitness level and may have her doing repetitive kicks and punches and so forth to get her body in shape to handle the jumping and twisting kicks but once she gets going every class should be a little bit different. So boredom becomes less of an issue. If she is too self-conscious to take a class go to the library and check out exercise tapes and dvds. Also look at thrift stores and yard sales for exercise tapes.
I would also stop buying junk food. It sounds like she may get enough of that at her dad's house. Start a plan of only buying healthy fruits and veggies and lean meats. I found some popsciles and creamsickles at the store that only contain 40-50 calories. They are a sweet treat and should satisfy the craving for a dessert but not have the calories of a bowl of ice cream. Also get rid of all sodas, including diet soda. I am not sure how it works but soda causes weight gain, both regular and diet. I personally don't like artificial sweetners I feel as though my body is all natural and don't like to use anything artificial in my body. If you haven't already switch to skim milk if your family is used to whole milk step down to 2% then 1% then skim. It makes the transition easier.
Most of all don't concentrate on her weight. She shouldn't be told she is fat. Stress good health and the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. Engage her in meal planning and the exercise plan you adopt. Also talk up all the cute clothes she will be able to wear once the weight comes off. Give her goals a cute new outfit for Thanksgiving and another cute (smaller sized) outfit for Christmas. And by Easter she should be in a really cute new smaller size. I know it sounds like a lot of weight to lose but truely if she loses 40 lbs she should be in good shape. As a 13 yr old she should be able to lose 40 lbs by Easter if she watches what she eats and exercises. Be aware of platues, you will lose 10-15 lbs then maintain even gain 2-3 back, but continue the work of losing. More will come off the body just has to adjust to weighing less. Cheer every pound and inch that comes off and remind yourselves that each pound is a pound healthier.
Don't forget a make-over new hair-do and make-up about halfway through will be a real boost for both of you.
Go get 'em girl and let that skinny girl out she's been hiding way too long.

She does NOT need to diet-- I dieted my way to 350+ pounds-- she needs a lifestyle change! I'd check out www.sparkpeople.com to start!

You could help your daughter by making sure that the choices she has at home are good ones. We have implemented new shopping habbits at my home this summer that include limited soda, almost no candy or candy that is easy to have a small serving of (Like miniatures) and a lot of fruits and vegitables that the kids like. I will often cut a cantalope and leave it in the fridge so they can snack as they want.

I am finding that they are asking me to purchase certain fruits and vegitables and are not really asking for the treats as much. When we do enjoy the sugary snacks, they seem to take them more in moderation.

Instead of talking about diet, start talking about good choices. How lots of water really will help with you skin and that nutrients that are in juice vs soda. That seemed to help my cause.

Good luck to all of you. As it will take a change by all in your household to make this successful.

G.
(Mom of four fabulous kids)

your the parent-pull all junk food out of the house-replace with fresh fruit an veggies.shes looking at so many health issues at such an early age-you have the power to change that-and explain to her-high blood pressure,diabetes,etc.and that you dont want her to get sick like that-get her outside more-if she doesnt change now-shes gonna be 5-600 pounds by 20 yrs.change soda to flavored water.good luck

She should NOT start dieting. There are plenty of books for teens about how to be healthy and have a good self-image. Listen to what she wants and have information ready if she asks. Being a happy person is top priority (for you and your daughter both). If that is in place the body size will fall into place nicely and with minimal effort.

I suggest not telling her she needs to diet, make a lifestyle change for the whole family. Buy the fruits and veggies and have less sugar in the house. Soda is the worst thing, just cutting that out of a diet can be great, flavored water is a great replacement, Target sells Zero Calorie and Zero Sugar packets that are great. As for working out, go on a walk as a family 3 times a week, just getting out of the house for 30 minutes to walk will make everyone feel good. Your daughter is still young enough that if the buying of junk foods stops she will learn that she doesn't need it. My husband and I have just made this change, for our family and everyone is feeling better. Of course we still indulge sometimes with Junk food but it is more like a treat when we have it, and we have stopped eating and snacking 2 hours before we go to bed so out bodies can digest the food completely before we sleep. This is a hard transition but it is the best thing a family can do as long as everyone is committed to it, if not it will not work.

I would not say anything about her to her... You are her Mom, the most influential person in her life. If you do, you are risking scarring her for the rest of her life.. especially at the tender age of 13.

What needs to happen is a lifestyle change for your entire family.
I don't have any diet advice... except that if the only choice is a healthy choice, she will start to eat healthier. If there is no garbage food in the house, then she will not be able to eat garbage as often.

"Eating is a learned behavior." That is the advice we received from our son's developmental psychologist. Our son, however, does not eat. He has oral aversions and is on a liquid diet. Children mimic behavior, and I partially blame myself for some of his issues, although he also has Down syndrome and exhibits autistic behavior as well. We rarely eat as a family (partially due to schedules). Needless to say, the principle that our physician describes can probably be applied in your circumstances. She will mimic good eating habits if viewed consistently. Good luck and hugs to your dear daughter...

I am assuming you buy the groceries for you house and probably make meals?? Cut out the sugar treats etc so she doesnt get tempeted at home. Have her start helping you with meal planning and come up with healthy meal ideas. Have her try more veges and fruits if she isnt already doing this. Look also for high fiber foods so she stays fuller longer. Have healthy options so she can grab when she is busy or needs a quick snack. School luches can be a culprit too especially if she is buying ala carte...make her eat 2-3 lunches at school and then only let her buy ala carte 3-2days a week. I hate to ask, but why is a 13 year old drinking starbucks?? Unless she is buying a plain coffee, the other drinks are really fattening. Teach her to make low fat fruit smoothies at home instead of fattening drinks at starbucks.
Incorporate more exercise into everyones routine: family walks, bike rides, etc.

You may also want to check into weight watchers for her...maybe you dont have to go the meetings (they have on line option too), but they have programs to help you track your food and encourage weight loss.

diet is NOT the word.
the wordS are "lifestyle changes". and your daughter isnt the one who should be totally responsible for it, you are her parent, you are probably the one involved in grocery buying... so its more about you making the changes for your family....

shes 13. where is she getting ahold of the treats? where is she getting ahold of the starbucks? shes 13, its not like she can have a big job legally, so either you are giving her the money, or she is taking it right? perhaps she has an allowance, that money should be saved in a bank account, and spent ONLY on things that she wants - not on snacks - and you should have control over when and how much she withdrawls, perhaps having your bank only hand over the money with YOUR signature. this might mean you have to be the sole name on the account.

lifestyle changes.
have fresh fruits and veggies available at ALL TIMES. have HEALTHY snacks, portion CONTROLLED prebagged. put refrigerated healthy snacks front and center, so that they are what is highly visible when opening the fridge door.

as far as exersize, you cant tell her "you need to exersize"
its quite possible that she knows, and its quite possible that she is HIGHLY sensitive about her weight already. pushing her to "diet" or "exersize" might only send her deeper into shame about her body.

what you should do is find things that the whole family can do to be active. sign up for a fundraiser run or walk. do a community team sport. take DAILY walks after dinner.

buy smaller plates. research has shown that even if a person is not hungry they will eat most of what is on their plate, and most of the time if its a large dinner plate, that means that the large dinner plate will be FILLED with food, not proper portion sizes. check online for healthy portion sizes of all foods. remember that fruits and veggies should make up OVER 2/3 of the plate, and the "meat" less than 1/3.

breakfasts should be healthy cereals or something like that. just dont buy the sugar ones. its really simple. if chips/popcorn/ice cream and the like are struggles for your family, just dont buy them, who has the money for needless snack foods these days? i know i dont. YES, your family will miss the snacks. but it only takes a week or two for that to ease, and a month to make solid lifestyle changes to improve your health.

if you REALLY want to be healthy, i hear that vegan or vegetarian is really the way to go. cures diseases from what ive heard. :D

get a pur water pitcher, or just any kind of water dispenser for the fridge or house. make sure that it is full of fresh cool water at all times. stop buying sugary drinks like koolaid and pop (PLEASE DONT BUY SODAS!! ugh. even diet sodas are linked to increased eating and increased weight gain, not to mention the dental issues caused directly from soda sipping... and who has dental insurance these days?)

the best way to show healthy eating etc is to do it with them. do your best to have at least dinner together. getting up a bit earlier for a morning walk, and a healthy breakfast together is always a good idea too. by evening people usually want to relax, so if possible getting up early is always good too!

dont get me wrong, im not M. perfectly fit or anything. these are just things in my head that i TRY to stick to. so just TRY to start with something, and keep these things in your head like i do. honestly, my husband LOVES chips or something crunchy in his lunch. but i know if we have them in the house, one more serving will get eaten after dinner, and as a work at home mom i know i will get into them myself. so honestly, i know i would rather buy 2 pounds of apples for the 4$ than the bag of chips. :D

I don't think that dieting is the right course of action for your daughter. Dieting is so temporary. Helping your family change eating habits in a way that doesn't adversely affect your lifestyle is a healthier, more permanent solution. Are you making sure there is always a bowl of fresh fruit on the kitchen table, and the cupboards are stocked with healthy choices rather than junk foods? I think you and she could make a lot more progress by making an appointment with a nutritionist at the hospital. There, you could each get a body mass calculation and some helpful nutritional counseling. I have done that and it is very interesting and informative. You can also let your daughter know that being overweight now means that as an adult she is much more likely to have heart issues and diabetes when she is older. And keep in mind that she is definitely totally aware already of the fact that she is overweight; make sure you join her in the activities you add or remove from her lifestyle so she doesn't feel alone and so you are still modeling good behaviors for your daughter.

Hi P.,

You have gotten so many amazing responses I am going to keep this short. I first and foremost agree with everyone that it has to be a lifestyle change for all of you. I am a wellness coach and what I do with my clients is not only help them to lose weight but in the process I educate them in ways to make healthier choices for themselves - what my clients have figured out is that after changing their eating habits when they do make a choice to eat a less healthy food that it not only doesn't taste as good as it used to - they don't feel so great after they eat it and therefore they tend to make healthier choices most of the time. I have an amazing article of what sugar does to our bodies if you would like me to send it to you please feel free to contact me. My 4 year old asks me frequently about her food choices - Does this have protein in it? Is there a lot of sugar in here? Is this a healthy choice? I have never talked to my kids about "losing weight" but we have a lot of discussions about what we are eating and what benefits or effects those food have on our bodies.

Good luck - D.

Hello,
Most kids are overweight because of poor eating habits. Unfortunatly they are learned from the parents and are very hard to break. At 13 I suspect that she is not buying the Starbucks and sugary snacks herself. I was always the fat kid in school and tried hard to make sure my kids weren't. It's so hard to break old habits! Good Luck!!

Being short myself (4'11), wt has always been somewhat of an issue. I try to be active now but I remember always being active in my teens and it didn't always show. At puberty - most females have an increase in weight and with added hormones there can be a lot of ups and downs with moods as well - sometimes making us feel like food is our comfort or influctuating self-esteem. I remember feeling very self conscious as a teen. I HATED dieting. I tried it, it didn't work. I seemed to sneak around eating candy bars as I went out for a run. The more that dieting was pushed, the more upset I got at my mom even though I knew I wasn't feeling confident with my body. My mom was always very polite about it. She didn't really push dieting - she mainly pushed making healthy choices. If I were you, I'd push HEALTHY LIVING! By doing that - focus on exercising together and eating right together. No kid wants to be the one "left out" - make healthy individual pizzas together, sit down together and write out goals to accomplish as a family. Don't buy chips, sugary foods, high fatty foods at all. I used to go on walks with my dad every night and that was a great way for me to de-stress as well as exercise. This was a great way to open the lines of communication between myself and my dad during my teen years. If I could, I'd still love to do this on a nightly basis! By 18, my body became more proportionate - instead of having more of a round body - I became more curvy (in the right places). Being open with your dtr is key but in a positive, healthy living focus is best. God made us all in different shapes and sizes. We need to embrace our bodies as unique blessings. However, it is important that we be kind to our bodies by eating and living healthy! Every body has a different ideal weight. Her body type may not be similar at all to yours. I've also seen many women my height at different weights - it really depends on muscle mass. So in other words, focusing on weight alone is not the answer. I could never weigh 100 lbs and appear healthy. Even tho I may appear petite (due to height) I'd consider myself medium boned. Also I've had my body fat tested before and at different ages - this is a great measurement for teens AND adults. It shows you exactly what percentage you have of fat, muscle mass, water, etc. This, to me, is a better way to show people where your individual goals should be for your age/body type. Just looking at the body mass index (BMI) graph and the scale at home doesn't always give you an individualized approach to wt loss goals. As far as bringing the idea of dieting up to her - quite honestly, you have to wait and be patient for her to strike up the conversation. She has to want this goal of weight loss otherwise, it will flop. You can start incorporating the healthy living idea NOW by having the family focus on changing your lifestyle/grocery list. If she has any older cousins or if you have any friends that have teenage daughters that you know would be a good influence on her and somewhat of a "role-model" - encourage them to be running buddies, exercise buddies, so that she has someone that can keep her on the healthy living track. I found exercise buddies in my neighborhood during the summer. Good Luck!

I highly recommend a book called "Clean Eating for Family and Kids" by Tosca Reno.

2 1/2 yrs ago after the birth of my 4th child, I decided it was time to get healthy for me and my kids. My kids aren't obese, but they are overweight & we all gain weight easily. I changed all our white pasta's, rice, & bread to 100% whole wheat/grain. I also stopped buying and serving white potato's. Unless a person gets at least an hour a day of deliberate exercise, potato's turn into sugar in the body and if not used as fuel it turns into fat.

Instead of focusing on weight and vanity I sat down with my kids and taught a lesson on nutrition. I went through the clean eating book with the kids. I focused on what is happening inside our bodies when we eat poorly. I explained to them what happens to the sugar that we eat. I lost 95 lbs and my husband lost about 65 lbs. We also got very active as a family. We all got bikes and we take a lot of family bike rides together. We put our kids in more activities.
I also try to provide snacks that are healthy and will fill them up. We joined a gym (mostly for my husband and I), but our kids are with us a lot. One of the trainers noticed last year and he called us "the incredible shrinking family."

I was very careful with my what I said, but I did tell my kids that other kids are mean to kids who are overweight. I told them that I didn't want them to focus on their weight, but to focus on doing and eating healthy. I told them that I love them and it's my responsiblity to provide a healthy environment for them. They seem to get it & now when they go to friends home that eat badly they really notice! Sometimes I do get a revolt out of them. We are reasonible and go out for dessert on occassion. It's all about moderation.

Did you talk to her doctor about diet/exercise. I understand your concern, but you need to be careful. Teenage girls are so sensitive (and adult women)about their weight. I struggled with an eating disorder my entire life and I would hate to see something like that happen to her.
I would talk to your doc. Maybe he/she can help you. Good luck!

I myself was an overweight teenager and to admit that I am still overweight at almost 30 years old. My mother also struggled with her weight most of her life.

I would have to agree with a lot of the other posters. Be very careful of how you bring anything up vocally. As someone else said, she probably already knows she is bigger and the last thing she needs to hear from her mother is that she is overweight because no matter how you put it yourself she will probably just hear you call her fat. This I know personally.

Nothing really needs to be said more than it needs to be done. Change your meal habits, get the junk out of the house. Get active (the whole family). As someone else said maybe karate or swimming classes. Something fun where it is less about exercising and more about just doing something fun. Dont deny everything, let there be snacks from time to time, but teach her that they are sometimes treats and not a daily thing.

There is a great cookbook that I have just purchased called Deceptively Delicious. It's all about kid/teenager friendly foods but made in a healthy fashion. Made with pureed vegetables, so it sneaks it in there you know they are getting good foods. That doesnt mean that you should serve fruits and vegetables on the side as well.

This isnt just her problem (not to sound mean) but she learned her eating habits somewhere... It will be a great thing to work on this together. Teach her by showing her.. You are a great mom for worrying about your daughter health so I am sure you will do great.

There is no question about it - your daughter is not living a healthy lifestyle and numbers do matter. No, it doesn't matter if she is 110 lbs vs 111 etc, but 178 is wayyy too high. The first question that you should honestly answer is this: how is she getting these sugary treats and Starbucks? She is only 13 so she can't drive. I also assume that she doesn't have that much money on her own. I would stop buying any of that stuff and not keep any of it in your house. Don't go to Starbucks yourself and definately not with her. You mention that your weight has "caught" up with you, so I'm guessing that watching what you eat wouldn't necessarily hurt either. In addition, you have two other children to think about. Diabetes in obese children is a huge issue in this country and you have a great chance now to show what a healthy life-style can be. I know it won't be easy and I stress that you don't need to tell her that she is "dieting." You could possibly also think about going to a nutrionist (even if just once or twice), so that she can learn.

I would focus on some of the lifestyle choices you don't agree with, and leave the weight issue out of it, especially since you said you were surprised at her weight, tells me she doesn't look significantly overweight. Do NOT make this an issue for her!!!! Her self esteem is being formed right now, and this will impact how she sees herself the rest of her life. If anything, cook healthier, make a rule for everyone of like one or two Starbucks a week (and try to order nonfat and sugarfree when possible), and try to get some family activity going. good luck!!!

Hi P..
A tough situation- -as teens are NOT supposed to diet.
It does set up a rocky future when you start in that context. AND yet-- something clearly needs to change with her or the same will happen as you stated.
She might love those things to eat-- and if she keeps eating them will want more. Some how if you can provide her with good nutrition substitutes- she'll crave and want more of those-- biochemical.
It usually has to be a family effort-- eliminate those foods in quantity. Some have only healthy after school snacks -- fruit, protein, veggies. We have a no bedtime snack rule in our household during school-- so best eat a great dinner. Our school has a fresh fruit only snack policy. Just some ideas.
I am a wellness coach-- we recommend having a healthy protein drink smoothie after school for the kids we work with. No diets. We just help them understand what they can eat for B,L, Dinner. Limit sugary cereal in the am-- better choices of fruits, lean proteins, eggs to start the day right.

Habits of change take time-- steer her in the right direction - worth it. AND set the example of course.

About me: 48 yo perfusionist, wellness coach for nationwide online biggest loser for $, wife, and mom of 7 yo twin girls.

B. J

I would not focus on dieting at all. You are correct that numbers don't matter as long as you are healthy. That healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes. What about focusing on healthy choices? If she loads up on sugary snacks, then get them out of the house. That means for everyone. Stock your kitchen with whole grains, fresh fruits, fresh vegetables, lean proteins. Steer clear of those "100 calorie" packs of stuff...those are just junk in small portions.

Does she have any sports or other active interests? If so, nourish those. If not, start your own traditions or goals. Completing a 2K or 5K as a family. Learning a new sport. Family yoga. After dinner bike rides. Join a gym.

Good luck. Your daughter is so lucky to have you in her corner concerned about her and trying to reverse this trend before it becomes too entrenched.

Educate her! Share with her how many calories are in the products & foods you all eat...my starts the calories in a starbucks latte mocha are close to 700 calories!...start walking with her. Make it a family thing. Not a "her thing".

I would not recommend that you say anything to her about dieting, she probably is way ahead of you there. Your stating the obvious will only serve to make her feel bad (or perhaps worse). Since you have blamed her genes she may feel that it is pointless to try to fight what nature is doing to her. Keep healthy snacks available. Serve meals that are not carb loaded. Be sure you and your husband are being good role models and eating healthy yourselves. Where does she get the money for Starbucks? If it is from you, shame on you. Try to involve her in physical exercise. That will help her to crave healthier foods (and that is probably just my opinion). Nothing will work if you and your husband do not live the life-style that you want your daughter to live.