Out of Control 5 Year Old

When she becomes out of control and starts screaming leave, immediately, with her in tow, and sit in the car until she's finished or take her home and put her in time out. I've been there and done that and it's the only thing that worked for me. You may have to leave many a cart and redo many errands, but in the end, it will be worth it. 1 warning and then out you go. Standing in line at McDonald's? Too bad. Out you go. It has to be every time and you have to be serious. Start giving her an allowance for chores and letting her buy her own things once in awhile or, once she's learned to control herself, tell her that every other Friday (or whatever you decide) you'll take her to get a small toy (set a price) IF she's had a good week. Good luck and be consistant. If you give in even one time you start back at the beginning. It should only take about 10 times for this to sink in and then a few random times after that, but hang in there for awhile if it takes longer.

Don't give in, and it will stop....I think everyone pretty much said it already, it is the absolute truth!

You are the one who has to make it stop. Next time you go to the store, TELL HER in advance she is not going to get anything, and if she throws a fit you will leave the store. If she throws a fit, she has been warned, and you must follow through. Leave the store, go home and put her in her room. You are training her to scream louder each time she wants something if you keep buying her stuff. It won't stop until you stop. She's little, and you're a smart, big adult. Don't let a tiny little kid win the battle. Those kids grow up and become even bigger problems -- especially if they have no respect for you, which she doesn't.

She would not be screaming if it did not work. Stop giving in! It may take a while, but she will get it. You have to be firm, and just remove her when ever she acts that way. CJ's suggestion to plan fake trips is helpful. We did that with many public behaviors. We went to places with the intent to leave at the first sign of a tantrum.

Every parent has been embarrassed by a child pitching a fit in public. What you don't realize is that most of us are just happy it is you, and not us this time...and fewer people than you think are judging you for her outburst. We get a little happier knowing it happens to other parents too.

M.

To get her to stop, you have to stop. It's hard, but that's the only way around it!

Every time you give in, you make it worse. When my son would do this, I would leave the store (usually without any purchases). After a couple of times, he realized he wasn't getting anything and stopped. We can now go to the store and he is okay if he doesn't get anything. Your daughter may take a little longer because she has learned that the longer she screams, eventually, you will give in. Make a few fake trips to the store (it's not always easy to walk out of the store without your groceries). When you are in the car, tell her you need to go in the store to buy milk and nothing else and that if she starts screaming we are going home . When you get in and she starts screaming, don't say anything just take her out of the store and leave. It may take a few times, but once she realizes you are serious, it will stop.

You got lots of excellent feedback. I am a licensed social worker and I teach parenting. I tell parents all the time that I was an expert in parenting...and I then I became one!

That being said...you have "trained" her to have a worse temper tantrum until you give in. A very easy method of parenting is from the book 1,2, 3 Magic. I highly recommend you buy it or get it from the library.

The bad news is she will behavior worse until she realizes you are not giving in. The good news it will only be about 2 weeks and then she'll realize that she needs to follow your rules IF you are consistent!

Good Luck!

If you can sympathize with your daughter's percieved "need" for those deliberately attractive consumer goods, give her some choice, and be clear before leaving the house what the rules and consequences are, you'll be able to move your daughter past this behavior quickly.

Just as with any major area of modern life, children need to be informed about what reasonable limits are. My Grandboy 4.5 has discovered his Inner Consumer, and begs for nearly every appealing thing he sees when shopping. When she was little, my daughter did it, too.

It's what all kids do when they realize stores are a place we can satisfy our materialistic urges – but they will only do this to the extent that they are allowed. When they learn that whining or screaming doesn't bear fruit, they will stop. But for most red-blooded kids, it does require parents to hold a firm line when that initial experimental whining starts. If they don't stop it then, it can (and does!) evolve into full tantrums.

Now that you've given in a few times, you've intensified a completely normal dynamic. Please don't punish your daughter for being "extremely spoiled." She's doing what comes naturally, so you need to reset HER expectations.

I've done a few things to set out my limits and expectations BEFORE a trip to the store. First, I acknowledge that there will be things my grandson wants, and I empathize. Yes, those treats will look SO good. Yes, the bakery section has such beautiful cupcakes and cookies. Yes, the toy aisle is full of things kids like to play with. Yes, when I go to the store, I want things I can't buy, too. Oh, well.

I also give him the information that my funds are limited. Often, kids have no idea at all that their mom or granny doesn't have endless cash.

I gave my daughter a nominal amount of money before trips, an allowance of sorts, starting at about 4 years. I actually set this up so that she got to choose to opt in; her choices were a treat that she could afford, or no treat at all. Of course, she opted in. So, I told her what things this ($) would purchase, and told her she was free to buy those items, or to save the money toward a bigger treat in the future. I pointed out that she had the freedom to budget, just like big people, who only had enough money for the week's food, and had to decide what they could and could not buy.

I also told her that if she started begging, she would have to wait until the next trip to choose her treat, and try again. As she gained experience, I also pointed out that deferring a treat this trip would give her twice the working capital the next time. I'd told her I'd remind her only twice if she started begging, and then her chances to buy a treat for that trip would be done. During the shopping trip, I might whisper to her, "Now, what did we agree about begging, sweetheart? Do you want to choose yourself a treat, or will we have to leave with no treat for you?"

While I never had to do this, I was fully prepared to abort a shopping trip if her behavior became unacceptable. Some kids will have a harder time getting the concept of limits. It's temperamental, and they can't help it. For such children, I would do what other moms have suggested – one or a few trips focused not on a successful trip for mom, but a training trip for the child. If you have the freedom to leave the store without sacrificing tonight's dinner, you'll have a much easier time staying calm and in control if your child starts acting up.

When we went through this, I learned that making my expectations clear beforehand really helped. We would talk about and role play what was acceptable behavior in the store and I would make it clear that he was not going to get anything while we are there. If the acceptable behavior was shown, then he received a token towards a desired item. This desired item was either a special event (extra reading time), an activity (outside play) or time with a special person (alone time with daddy). We would talk about what was to happen (we will go in, find our item, and leave) and the behavior I wanted to see (walk with me, normal inside voice, understand that he will not receive any items in store.) I made it clear that if he began to ask for something and not accept NO for an answer, and the behavior deteriorated into screams, we would leave. This took several trips to several stores.....I was prepared to have to leave, and had to at least once. I NEVER gave in to the undesired behavior, and while shopping I would constantly praise the good behavior and talk about how much fun he was going to have when he got his desired item at home. As a six year old, he will politely ask and when I say no, he knows I mean it. It's hard, but you can do it....we all fall into patterns of reacting and punishing and just need to remember that while taking things away can work, preparing your child in advance helps both of you:)

put her in time-out in the freezer section, if you have to. My kids have been put in time-out on the side of the road; they know, wherever we go, I'm in charge, not them. don't plead with her, tell her, "this is not OK, sit here, you are in time-out for talking to me this way." Yes, we've all been there, but the biggest mistake I see from moms is, "please stop," or "ok, maybe you can get something else later..." something along those lines... stand your ground, ignore all the dirty looks ( I get plenty of those), the whole world around you disappears and you take control of the situation, even if she pitches a fit in the grocery store, you are the authority and she WILL look up to you and your rules. whether she likes it or not.
My three boys are very well behaved and still very outgoing; I say,"one hand on the cart," and they got it there, but it took a lot of time-outs in the freezer section to get there. good luck, one woman approached me, during a tantrum w/ my first born son, and actually said, "if you can't handle your child, maybe you shouldn't have had him," now that child, 5 years later, is going to a math and science camp for gifted children, ignore them, do your job.

I'd say you will have to prepare yourself for a few more tantrums in teaching her to stop. As others have said just leave the store when she tantrums. Tell her before you go in the store you are there to get ___ and not a toy/candy/etc. You may want to start with a few short practice trips where you are going to get only a few things that are not urgently needed (so it is no big deal if you have to just leave).

I admit my 4 year old is a bit spoiled like this as well because I will usually let him get a small treat if he behaves well on a longer shopping trip. But he does know if he has a tantrum in the store there will be no treat (and he usually will calm down when I remind him unless he is really overtired).

Take her out of the store the moment she screams, take her home and put her in her room.

Really the only thing to do is to tell her no & continue to tell her no. There's no need to bribe her, threaten with other punishments or anything else, just say no, be firm and stick to it. If you think it's embarrassing now consider how it'll feel with a 7yo or a 10yo acting that way in public, which is what will happen she's not going to grow out of it on her own.

Before I got into any store I have two rules I make my kids repeat:
1) If you walk away from me in the store, we leave without buying anything.
2) If you have a temper tantrum in the store, we leave without buying anything.

My kids are 7 and 4, and these rules work like a charm. Only once have I ever had to leave the store without buying anything. They learned quickly that I meant it, and they have fallen in line ever since. I make them say these rules OUT LOUD as we are walking into the store. Even though they listen now, I still want them to be reminded. It makes shopping so much easier!

My daughter is the same way. I tell her a head of time whether or not she is allowed to get anything and the amount she can spend. I also giver her a small allowance every week for good behavior that she can save and spend to her hearts content. It is amazing how cheap she is with HER money. If she starts to fuss, I give her a warning that if she contines we will leave and she won't be back with me next time. If she continues we leave and she gets a lecture on the way home. I won't say that I dont sometimes give in, but it has gotten better.

The buck has got to stop.
Just say no.
Leave the store.
That's it.

Do not give her anything. Or, if you must and she needs something, only go to 2nd hand stores. And shop there. Teach her the value of money. That it is earned... that it not be wasted.
Show her kids that do not have anything... not even shoes or food.

Call the store security guard... (wink) and tell him/her that you need 'help' assisting your daughter out of the store... I know a Mom that did that... and it STOPPED her daughter, acting like that again.

You have to not give in.
At this age... it is no longer 'cute' nor accepted.
She is old enough... to understand.

At home, collect all her things... and put it away. Tell her she has too many things, does not use them all, and it can be better used for kids who need them. Take her stuffed animals to a hospital for terminally ill children... many hospitals take stuffed animal donations for the kids.

You and Hubby... SIT her down.. have a "meeting" and delineate the 'rules' for her. Clearly.
It will be a rude awakening for her... but that's it.
She must act respectful... and try her best. Or privileges are taken away... and treats.

If she screams like that in public, like a baby... tell her she will be treated like one.

I'm sorry, but a 5 year old, acting like that in a store, has got to have blatant consequences. I would not tolerate that from my kids.

Start teaching her about what SHE can do for others... everyday. That she do at least 1-2 things. Something nice and thoughtful. Teach her to do for others... what 'family' is... what respect is.
You also have to work on the kids' "attitude" too...

Next time she does that, tell her no and if she starts screaming, leave the store. She knows that if she screams you will give her what she wants, so why would she stop? If you stop giving her these things, then she will learn that screaming is not going to get her anywhere. You can wait out in the parking lot until she decides she's going to behave or go straight home and have quiet time without toys. This won't be easy, but if you are consistent, she will learn. Also, don't bargain with her when she is acting like that. She needs to know that you are in charge and she can either stop or suffer the consequences. Good luck!

At 5 she can EARN privileges . When she flips out abandon your cart and take her for a l g time out. Then dont take her shopping. When you go to shopping leave her at home and rub it a bit in her face that you are going shopping and she isn't because she gets a nasty attitude. After a few trips being left out she will really want to go and that's when you make it clear nasty behavior does not get to run errands but nice behavior does. Remind her in the car and before walkiing in the door to the store what good behavior gets and what bad behavior gets. I have also shown my kids the dirtiest corner outside the store I could find and told them their nose will be in it if they act up. It only took once and now a reminder of the corner straightens them up. Hope this helps!

In adoption class, we learned that to stop a tantrum in a store with a habitual screamer: have a friend go to the same store, but don't let your child know she is there. When the screaming starts, simply take the child to the door where your friend is waiting (you've called her on cell to alert her). Tell your daughter if she can't behave when you're shopping, she is going to your friend's house where she will be in time out. When you get home you will with her choose a toy to give to a needy child.
This may need to be repeated several times. But once she learns it will NOT be tolerated, and she looses a toy as a consequence. This WILL stop!!
Grandma N.

I'm a little puzzled to be honest. You are complaining that your OWN child is spoiled? They know what causes that now... Seriously, not trying to be snarky, but if she's spoiled then QUIT SPOILING HER...right?

If she starts screaming in a store then grab your purse, leave your cart and exit the store with her. Take her home and put her in time out. Yes, you're going to have trouble shopping at first, but it's the only way to break the pattern.

Put your foot down mama!

Awesome answers! Just keep the mindset--"I will not negotiate with terrorists!" HA! And the other moms are right, time-out can be anywhere! good luck.

I love the Love and Logic behavior program. You can check books out at the library or order them or just go to their website for information. Good luck

No offense, but she knows you don't mean what you say. She has no respect for you. She knows she's embarrassed you before and it worked. She knows that if she screams long and hard enough, you'll do what she wants.
You've created this monster. Now YOU have to fix it.
You need to decide that no matter how long and hard she screams, she isn't getting anything.
Before you go to the store, you need to set the rules.
You need to tell her before you leave the house that you are going to the store and that she is not getting anything. (Stick to your decision no matter what!!)
When you get there - remind her that she isn't getting anything. Don't go near the toy aisle. If she starts to scream, you leave - whether you are done or not. Leave the cart and walk out. Take her to the car and go home. No stops for ice cream... nothing
You may have to do this a few times before she gets the message.
Just haul her rear end out of the store - even if she is kicking and screaming. It doesn't matter what people think, just do it.
At home, if she is demanding, remind her that she will not speak to you like that and that if it's something you want her to have that she'll have to ask nicely - and mean it.
If she throws a tantrum - walk away or tell her to do that in her room. Tell her that you will not be listening to that.
Time out will work - if you do it right. She needs to sit in a hard kitchen chair with no interaction from you for one min per year of age. If she gets up, it starts over. If she talks, it starts over. If she gets up, put her back - do not engage her. This will take time, so you need to be committed to it when you start. The first one will be the longest.
This is called discipline. You need to do it now - if you wait any longer, you'll never get her under control. She'll be a little princess doing what she wants when she wants and you will wonder why she is the way she is...
YMMV
LBC

I need to know, who spoiled her in the first place? I think at 5 years old, she is smart enough to realize that if she screams and cries long enough, you will eventually give in to whatever she wants. I'm actually curious what a 5 year old girl would want from an auto parts store. Really!!!

I think you should also need to change your behavior towards her. Assume the adult and parent role here. There are not so many years when parents are able, and are expected, to control a child's life. Next time you go out, tell her the rules - no buying anything, unless she shopping is for her own things; if she is allowed to buy, it should not cost more than $1 or depending on the event and your family circumstances (for her birthday or for a job well done, the price ceiling could be higher) - and stick by your rules. If you don't, then she knows not to respect your rules.

It might also be practical to bring some earmuffs so when she screams, you don't hear her. Unless she learns to respect rules now when she's just 5 and learns some self-discipline, think of what she would be like when she's 15. It might not just be simple embarrassment she would be causing you and herself, but some serious grief.

I think it is super easy to get into this situation by this age. When they are smaller, it's so easy to bring back a little something every time you go to the store and you don't even see how it builds to this. My kids aren't to the point as your daughter is, but they do ask for stuff when we go to the store and sometimes get their hearts set on stuff they see there and persist in asking when we leave or the next day...

I tell my kids before we go to the store that we have a list and we are going to buy the things on the list and nothing else. If they start in the store I remind them of what we are there for and if it turns into anything else I ask them if they need to go to the car until they settle down. Going to the car for a time-out when they didn't listen used to be fairly common, but not so much anymore. I tell them that the store is a big kid place, not a place to play and if they can't behave like a big kid they can't come with me the next time.

Your daughter is also at an age where she can start helping out around the house with small shores to good deeds and respond to a sticker chart to earn things or points toward things. I would consider starting something like that with her in coordination with explaining the boundaries not giving in a buying her stuff because she screams in the store.

Good luck!!!

i love to oue the LOVE and LOGIC way you can find books in your local library or checkout loveandlogic.com
i think that leaving the store is good but i use the phrase " you may have it as long as you can pay for it" ( say it using a very calm tone) it works everytime i have to use it which is not very often now :-) i will even let her go with it up to the checkout and place it seperatly from my shopping and also let the attendant now whats going on it has worked too
good luck