Out of Control 3 Year Old - Oak Lawn,IL

Hi A.,

I know it's incredibly frustrating when kids aren't behaving as well as we would expect them to and I think your first instinct that it's just typical toddler behavior is probably right on. Since he spends a few days a week with his father I would make sure his dad is following a similar routine and reward system as you do at home and that there isn't any major disruption in his house that's impacting your son. Also I don't know how verbal your child is but it sometimes takes boy children until as old as six before they really have the vocabulary to vocalize anger, fear, worry and it often comes out as temper tantrums and just generally uncooperative behavior.

I think you are going a great job at handling it and the reward board is a great idea. I would consider emphasizing the positives on the board and minimizing the negative. Catch him being good if you will. It seems like there is instant punishment for poor behavior but his good behavior isn't rewarded until the weekend. Could he have a fun treat at night?

My son is the same age, and we experienced some of the same kinds of behavior. I found that foods with dyes and/or preservatives always brought out a weird behavior in my son. He was more snotty and hit me when he didn't get his way. Now that we are aware of this, we are prepared for it better at parties and gatherings. I feed him before we go anywhere that I expect such foods.

A small amount of "bad" food is okay, we've found. I don't know if it's the dye, a certain ingredient, or he just plainly feels crappy, but whole foods are always better.

I would suggest the following books: Smart love by martha heineman pieper and william pieper, unconditional parenting by alfie kohn and how to talk to your child so they will listen and listen so they will talk by jane nielsen. All of these books are based on early childhood development research and child psychology research and they suggest that the traditional discipline approach of Punishment/rewards are ineffective in the long term if you desire a close relationship with your child. They do not advocate permissiveness but rather loving regulation based on interaction. Of course consequences to actions are important so if he is hitting, stopping him and moving him away or if it is another child, suggesting you will all go home and then carrying this out is also important. But it is important that the consequence be closely tied to the action. Young children find it hard to understand and really benefit from punishments that aren't very related to the act. So for instance, if they are tearing a book, you would take away the book. If they are throwing, the item might also go away. It is also important to model good behavior over and over and over again. My 2 yr old can definitely whine (uggg)and so she gets told that she doesn't need to whine she can just ask mommy for what she wants in a polite way with the magic word. Also, your 3 yr old may be somewhat stressed with his moving between 2 families. I also find that my little one is worse if she is not getting good naps or good sleep at night or if she is hungry. One of the most important things is to not let it get to you and to avoid getting angry (way easier said than done). If a child is stressed then us barking at him/her won't help (maybe this isn't you but it certainly is me at times). But it is hard as at this age, you find yourself trying to redirect behavior over and over again. Good luck.

When I started to have problems with behavior of my 2 kids, I realized I was the one out of control first, so I had to curb my behaviors. I stopped reacting to their outbursts and everytime they acted up, I would quietly go to their room and removed a toy, placed it in a garbage bag, it went to the attic. I didn't say anything, but knew I would hear about it when they stopped their behavior. At one point I just kept going and their room was almost empty. The TV had a code and they also did not get anything but a blue screen when they tried. When they were being good, I gave them almost an overload of attention, playing with them, taking them out for soccer games at the park, swimming, reading to them at the library, bake cupcakes,they were busy, almost too busy to misbehave. It took about 2 months, and realized I was not going to feed their negative attention seeking behavior but reward to good kids I knew they could be. Our house runs so much better now.

This is a really corny trick but it works. In our busy lives it is really hard to remember to be positive and appreciative of our children. When my son was little I put little smiley faces in different places around the house. Every time one caught my eye it was a reminder to find him being good. Sometimes I had to stretch good but positive reinforcement is so beneficial. Kids want to be good and have you notice. It helped me remember that he needed me to tell him. I think what you are doing is great too. This is just a trick I used to remind myself how important my praise was to him. I guess it was more a strategy for me not him.

Hi A.,
I would say getting your son's father on board with the same diciplining tecniques as you are doing is key. Boys respond well to structure, even though they will usually fight it at first. I have a 4 year old son who was exceptionally difficult. So much so that I took a parenting class because I was at my wits end as to how to deal with him. I don't know where you are but I highly recommend Tuesday's Child in Chicago. http://www.tuesdayschildchicago.org/
Through their parenting program I have learned how to set my son up for success using dicipine as a way to teach him what is expected of him behaviorly.
We are first taught to praise, praise, praise their good behavior and ignore the bad- unless he's hurting himself or others. Hitting is not an option, so when my son would hit, I would say, Hitting is not a choice. You need to use your words. I would name is feelings for him- ex; you look very mad right now so that he would be able to tell me later what he was feeling.
Also, when he would whine at me I would say, I don't listen to whinning. When you use your big boy voice I will listen. The first week using these new concepts was hard- he tantrumed worse than ever, but then it started getting easier.
I hope that helps! :)
blessings,
J.

I second the Smart Love book mentioned by Anne Marie. She summarized it well. Sometimes it is hard to get your arms around the concept, but once you do it is so valuable. The group also offers counseling services for parents and/or kids.

I would say that whatever your relationship with your son's dad, make sure you are both TOTALLY on the same page in how you react to his bad behavior. This also includes any grandparents or babysitters who watch your son. He has to understand that there are consequences to bad behavior and that they are always going to happen no matter who he is with.

When my son was that young, I found that 'reward' boards did NOT work. The 'reward' is too far away and too intangible for the child to keep in his head. Here are some other ideas though:

1)How much TV are you letting him watch? I have to say, when we got really hardcore about TV and cartoons and did not let my son watch it regularly, it improved his concentration and focus a LOT when he was small. We used 15 minute periods of TV as a reward for GOOD behavior and a tantrum or something like that automatically meant no videos or cartoons for the rest of the day.

2)Hitting is never, ever ok. You have to just keep drumming this into your son- tell him over and over. If you are someplace else, take him out of the situation- the store, park, etc. Make sure he learns to apologize both to you and anyone else he smacks. Saying 'sorry' is one way to link the hitting with THINKING about the hitting and being aware of doing it is a step closer to controlling it .

Even when he has been good, you can tell him in a positive way before bed or at dinner -
"I saw that you didn't hit anyone today at the park and you played really nicely with everybody. That made me so proud and you really had fun, didn't you? Can you try and do the same tomorrow?" This keeps it in his mind- hitting= bad consequences, not hitting= positive.

If he keeps this up in preschool you will have a much bigger issue to deal with. I know time outs have probably not been too effective, but we found that they worked as long as we REALLY enforced them.

If you have a pack n play or play pen still, put him in there with NO toys, no tv no nothing for a 3 minute time out when he misbehaves. he will cry and scream and try to get out, but do not give in.

Tell him calmly before you put him in why he is in time out and set a timer. Tell him if he is still screaming when the timer goes off, he has earned another minute and that he will have to apologize to get out of time out. If he tries to climb out, just pick him up - kicking and screaming if need be!- and put him back in.

3) In public, if he acts up or screams or throws a tantrum, leave the store IMMEDIATELY. I know what a pain this is- but you are training him that if he whines or misbehaves, not only will he NOT get the thing he wants, he will be removed entirely! Put him in his car seat, tell him you cannot take him out until he calms down and sit in the front seat and read a book for a few minutes. Make him understand that bad behavior is not going to be rewarded with treats and attention- just the opposite! AS SOON as he settles down, immediately say " See? I knew you could calm yourself down and be a good boy. Can you say sorry to mama? Let's have a hug" give him a hug and ask him if he thinks he can keep from doing the same thing again if he goes back into the store, restaurant, etc. If he sniffles and nods yes, then try it again. Repeat as often as needed.

4)As a last resort- my mom did this to my son once and it TOTALLY worked!! In a last resort, if it is a major meltdown- try gently pouring a glass of water over his head. My son was about 3 and just totally lost it at a family holiday- kicking and screaming. I took him upstairs but just could NOT get him to settle down ( he was overtired from playing and traveling, etc)

Then my mom came up and tried to let him 'cry it out' but he still just didn't wind down. Finally she went and got a glass of water and said to him very calmly,

"William, I am getting worried that you just are not going to stop crying and screaming at your mommy and I. I think maybe if I pour this glass of water over your head, it might help you stop."

He paused for a minute and just looked at her- it was something new, so it got his attention. Then he got this LOOK in his eye like " I DARE you' and started up again louder than ever. My mom just said "Ok, I guess I have to pour the water now."

She slowly poured the whole glass over his head! He was so surprised that he stopped screaming and kicking and she reached out and took him in her lap. He started just crying and sniffling- he had to be totally exhausted at this point- and she said,

"Now, I am sorry I had to pour that water on your head, but you weren't stopping, so I needed to get your attention. Let's calm down and have a rest here for a while" He stayed with grandma and fell asleep and I went back to dinner.

As I said, this was extreme- but she didn't throw the water in his face or anything - and a couple of other times when he had tantrums, I would say "Do I have to get a glass of water like Grandma?" and he would sort of stop, then start giggling remembering it, and the tantrum would pass.

Remember, your job is to keep him safe and make sure he does not hurt himself when he is throwing a tantrum. It is NOT always your job to make sure he is happy! You would not let him drive a truck just because he wanted to, or go in a lion's cage just because he wants to- don't let him get away with this power trip just because he wants things his way!
Stick to your guns!! I know it is hard, but think how much harder his life will be in the future if he doesn't learn a little self control.

He will always love you- you will always be his mommy and believe it or not ( my son is now almost 10) someday he may even look back on his tantrums and laugh with you. " Wow, mom, do you remember that Easter when I had the big tantrum and you had to take me away to Grandma's bedroom and she poured the water on me?!?"

He won't be able to believe how crazy his younger self was acting, lol! (this is especially useful to remind him of when younger cousins are losing their cool- everyone goes through it at least once!) Good luck!!

Hi A.,

This is such a phase, if you think 2's were bad...three's are worse. Just keep on what you are doing...don't give up or give in at all. When my boys were misbehaving in the stores..I would just leave. Set up some real treats for him like...If your good in the store, I get you something special! It doesn't have to be expensive. Maybe something special for dinner he likes..etc.

It has been my experience that kids, "act out" when they don't understand what is going on. Like anyone else these little people try to understand their world and what is going on in it! What has worked for me is to explain why the behavior is "unacceptable" and then provide a plan of action in a positive way. For example, we watch DVD's instead of TV. My preference to limit his exposure. However, it may end and he scream's "Momma" and cries and carries on like it is the end of the world. While, I may be doing dishes in clear view of him! So the positive reinforcer is to "Calm down" and find Momma, use your big boy words instead of crying. It took a few tries but he now waits for me or goes to his room to play.

1-2-3 Magic is a good book. It takes some practice using the method, but it is effective (you can master it within a couple of days to a week). Your reward chart is a good idea, but may be too complex for the 3 year old mind.

It's a good idea to have your Ex on board with whatever you do, but if he isn't, then you just have to be consistent with whatever you do. Your son will learn that he won't be able to get away with poor behavior with you even if it appears to be ok at Dad's house.

Good luck and good job mama!