2 Yr Old W/ Severe Mom Attachment & Increasing Tantrums

M.:
I'm kinda in the same situation with my 2 year old - I think it is a phase and will pass. When I drop him off at day care we have to hug and kiss several times before I can get out the door - but once I am out he is fine. The same goes for at home it is momma everything - and if I am not around he is fine with my husband (or his older siblings-my step-kids (12 and 13))I dont have any answers to solve this problem, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I hope it is a phase and will just pass......

What ever you do don't give in to his tantrums. If he wants something & does not ask nicely than just let him have his tantrum. Ignore him & tell him to use his words & act like a big boy. If you give in to him even once, they will get worse. He will eventually stop doing this once he knows that you will not cave in.

Hi M.,
Not knowing you or your son, I have just a few comments that may be helpful. I raised 5 sons within an age span of 7 years and am an early childhood educator with 40 years exp. It is just a fluke that I am even on this website.Here are a few ideas that you might try.
First--be assertive! Mentally, you have to feel that you are doing a good job--for you, your son and you husband. Two year olds are feeling their power to control things around them. They need to have limits that they can trust. You know that the situation that you are in is stressing you and your husband. It is certainly not doing any good for your son.
Keep this picture in your mind...at one point or another you have probably seen a family meal ruined by a child who announces that they don't want the...PEAS! Now there is no longer conversation and an enjoyable meal. The child takes over as everyone tries to convince him, run "airplanes" past him, etc. No one enjoys themself any longer and the child has learned to get attention in a negative way.
The consequence for that behavior should be no attention. If he doesn't eat his peas at that meal, he will still be healthy.

When he is having a tantrum, TAKE HIM BY SURPRISE. A good response might be to laugh and say "You're funny" or "Wow, you look tired, guess we won't go to the park".

To get in your bed. Firmly, "This bed is for mommy and daddy. You have your own bed. Let's go tuck you in."
When he calls for you in the night, send yiour husband in "Mommy is sleeping right now, you should be too. See you in the morning!"

TANTRUM: this is what"s happening (describe what you want to be happening) If you want to cry, you can cry over here. (an area where you can still see him, but away from the action he was hoping to have an impact on)

You're on the phone--he's destroying the place or having a tantrum. Look him in the eye "After I finish on the phone, we will read a story/play a game, etc." And do it!

"If you keep crying, we may not have time to go to the park.It's chilly outside and you need your sweater. Want to wear the blue one or the red one?" And mean it!

"When you cry so loud, I get a headache and need to lie down"

"I know you want the green cup because it's your favorite, but it's dirty. You can have it for dinner"

"I can't understand what you want when you cry. When you stop crying, we will..."

Positive Reinforcement: "It makes me happy when you smile and we can go to the park"

At the store. Scoop him up and go to the car. "Guess you're too tired to shop. I'll have to go shopping alone."

These are a few thoughts that may help you. Just remember that you don't want to reinforce the attention-getting behavior and you know that there's a pleasant little fellow in there that you want to love and enjoy.
Mimi

You are definitely not alone!! I have a 22 month old and like a lot of the responses say, I'm hoping it's just a faze!!! I think mine is a combination of her age and also she is fighting for attention because she has a 7 mo old brother, just a little bit of jealousy. We try to ignore as much as possible thinking if she doesn't get a reaction she will stop. That doesn't always work of course so we have also tried time outs too and that doesn't always work either. I like the posting from Vita, i will try some of her ideas, but i'm with you, it gets very exhausting....dinner time for us is the bad time...if it's not one, it's the other....but it's all good! Good luck to you....lets hope it's a short faze!!

It's normal for 2 years olds to act this way. He'll throw tantrums until you break down or until her realizes that you're not going to give him his way. You must remain constant with the word "NO". Stick to it. 20 minutes a couple of times will wear him out and he'll catch on. Be parents and don't endulge him for bad behavior. You're not the trigger mom, you're the reason (sorry to say) he does this only to you--he knows you'll accept his behavior by your giving in...save your sanity and quit before it's too late. Try watching "Supernanny" Friday night at 8p.m. You'll learn sooo much. I'm still learning and my kids are raised. I wish someone like the nanny was on t.v. at that time. It would have spared me a lot of these concerns and concequenses.

Hi M.,
My son is starting these same things. We have an 8 week old so I'm thinking this is part of the problem, but overall he is regressing. He wants me to hold his hand or hold him a lot (he used to be VERY independent), he is throwing HUGE tantrums when he doesn't get his way, and he is all of a sudden crying and whinning all day long. He is also reluctant to do or try new things (which was never an issue before.) He isn't having the "mommy over daddy issue", but is just suddenly clingy with only me and just getting easily upset. The tantrums are driving me crazy...I'm just not sure how to best handle them. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone...sorry I can't offer any advice. Good Luck!

I would recommend reading the book "The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. This book has been an amazing eye-opener for me and my husband. Embrace his personality with open arms and read this book ASAP. good luck!!

you are not the problem - the one response that blamed you is not accurate at all - your son loves you and trusts you and behaves the worst around you because he wants to test boundaries in a safe environment - he may need some more time alone - just the two of you -I have a two year old and I am dealing with the same situations - be consistent and give some special one on one time even if it is a bath - ignore the tantrums or do time outs and then remind him how much you love him but explain that you do not like the behavior once he calms down - sounds like you are doing a great job as a parent and your son loves you dearly - take time time for yourself!

Just remember that if the tantrums don't work, he will not bother with them. It might take a while for him to reach this conclusion, but it WILL happen. If he wants the green cup and not the blue, then set the blue down somewhere and leave it alone. Let him throw a tantrum, but don' reach to it unless he does something he isn't supposed to (i.e. throw the blue cup!) then you put him in time out as normal. Whatever you do STAY CALM. Do not let him see that his behavior upsets you. Talk to him in your normal voice, act like this is just another part of your day...but do not give in...the green cup is not an option. Nothing he does will change that. Eventually he will learn that if he wants a drink, he is going to have to listen to mommy.
Some kids are more prone to the tantrums than others...but just about every mom struggles with them: if you "nip it in the bud" now, you will be doing both yourself and your child a favor: don't feel guilty for teaching your son how to manage his emotions...when he starts school you will be happy to know that he can manage himself...you are doing the RIGHT THING! STAY STRONG :)

M....yes, yes, yes....been there, still doing that. My son is a huge Mama's boy. It is so exhausting! Just before my second was born it got really bad, peaked, if you will. My husband couldn't do ANYTHING. I had to put on his shoes, hold his hand, get him dressed, etc. etc. I will say that it is much better now. I am still his 'preference' but he will do things with dad now. One thing we did, and I am not sure if it helped, was to have him and dad do special trips during the weekend to help set up a positive relationship with the two of them. It was hard at first and he was reluctant to go and had tantrums. We would use food or juice as a means to get him to the car with dad too. When he would start to break down we would ask him to use his words and ask what he wanted. If he said he wanted mommy nicely and calmly we would oblige. To be honest it was just easier to have me do it and it was truly a phase and is going away so I didn't feel like I "gave in." If the tantrums were ridiculous he would just go to his room until it was over. And like your son they were 20+ minute tantrums. You are probably at the peak and hopefully you will see him settle down a little with the mama stuff. However, I think once a mama's boy always one?!?

Hi M.,

Yes, it is totally normal. You are the one getting the brunt of the tantrums because he loves and trusts you and knows you'll still love him even when he has melt downs. This phase doesn't last - my son is turning 5 soon and I don't have too many grey hairs! : )

A book that I found helpful (and funny) was The Happiest Toddler on the Block. It has tips for ages 1 - 5 I think. It is broken out by ages and gives you some informational on what developmental stage your child is in so you can better understand the behaviors.

Good luck.

M.- Your sooooo not alone! My 19 mos. old is the same way. She INSISTS on having me & only me do everything with her. Diaper changes, baths, reading to her.. etc. etc. The problem in our case anyway, is that my hubby used to spend every night from 7-9pm. just him & her. This changed due to some evenings of him not being home. Just a couple nights of him not being here & she's started this. I would suggest your husband doing more things for your son & you stepping out of the room when he does. If I'm in the same room while hubby is triing to change her diaper, she will throw a tantrum because she wants me to change it. You are the preference right now if your in the room.
Don't be so hard on yourself, kids just go through this stage & I bet things "even out" over time. Good luck!!

Wow, you'd think he was regressed, as if you just had a new baby. Something - perhaps his own developmental process marching faithfully toward independence...is motivating this regression.

If there are not any major changes recently for him - a move, emotional shift in household etc, I suggest you work with him on it when he is calm. Hide and seek (this is letting go practice) - games, books, conversation about separation, (ie going away, coming back).

Sounds like full blown separation anxiety, seems to be coming toward the end of the 9 mo - 24 month usual time for it.

E. R., mom, grandmom, therapist.

Be thrilled that you are your son's number one favorite person! Try to get some breaks for yourself, so you can be responsive to your son's requests when you are together. Ignore tantrums. Call Dr. Weissbluth for the best wisdom and resonse plans... ###-###-#### -- he is a miracle worker :))

It is very normal and yes time outs will make it worse. Here are a few books that are really helpful: Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper, Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Cohn, Positive Discipline by Jane Nielsen and while dated, the Ames and Ilg series are good regarding describing child development. 2 yr olds are often control freaks, trying desperatly to control their lives and are entirely self focused. So yes erupting because they wanted the green not the blue cup is pretty normal. This is why they callit the terrible twos and not all but some 2 yr olds and even 18 month olds have significant attachment issues. It will pass. To destress him and avoid some tantrums, I would try to avoid "no' except fror health and safety reasons. good luck

You need to take control of this right away. This will only get worst and harder to control. He is in control and is aware of this when it comes to you. It will be hard to fight, but you must not give in to the fits and cries. You must hold your ground and let him know you mean what you say and also make him lose something he likes or wants when he does not do what he is suppose to do. I am not saying this something that is easy, but it is something you must do today or you will be very sorry tomorrow. The older he gets the smarter he will become and it will be harder to break.

Proud Mother of 2 now 18 and 22

In the short term this will increase the tantrums, but will help him know who is in control. You must remain in control throughout. Don't give in. You may see kicking screaming and awful behavior until he has it full in his mind that you are the parent and you will always be there for him and love him and will set the boundaries. As long as he knows this now, his entire childhood will be easier. Make sure he has plenty of positive one on one time so he doesn't go for negative attention.

I want you to know that you are not a lone. I don't have any advice really to give you because I haven't figured it out either. My son is 22 months and acts like that too. I thought it was because we had a 9 month old daughter but I guess its just the age. It gets frustrating at times I know... but hang in there. I could tell you to be happy that he only wants you but I know how frustrating that is to be the only one he wants to do things for him. (i have two that are like that). Hang in there... BE STRONG! (its funny how kids can TRY to be stronger than us sometimes). Good luck!