Help. My son is 2.5 and I know I should expect difficulty but I am at my witts end. He recently transitioned to a toddler bed and while it went pretty well for a few weeks, he now never naps (was phasing out before moving out of crib) and is fighting bedtime (when he's traditionally slept a solid 12 hrs no prob). He's extremely clingy and will not let me out of his sight. He has absolutely no respect for discipline and every diaper change, clothing change and outting is a trauma for us both. Every transition or change seems to set him off. My husband is traveling a lot more for work so it's basically just me 24 hrs a day. Any advice or recommendations for us?
I vote for NS's advise. I have 3 YO twins and my husband travels too - it's tough.
I read once that kids are told what to do, directed, said NO to ALL DAY LONG! Imagine how you would feel living under that? I'm a big disciplinarian - but think that you need to allow them to de-compress every now and then. For both of you.
If you agree w/ NS try it and PLEASE let us know what happens!
It's tough, and it's good for you to ask for help. You're not the only mom ever to have a challenging kid or challenging life circumstances, but it's easy to feel that way. Parenting with Love and Logic is a great series. If your child is really over the top (I had 2 of those), you may need some other resources as well. Try "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "The Out Of Sync Child". If something in there resonates with your experience, you'll have some new leads toward more helpful strategies. As hard as it can be to do, you have to have a break. If you're burned out, you have nothing left to give to your child and it all goes down the tubes quickly. I spent too many nights while my husband was travelling sitting on the bathroom floor with my high-needs 2 1/2 year old and medium-fussy infant...all 3 of us crying! Minimize those transitions, pick your battles, be consistent, and keep asking for help. My oldest had sensory integration issues (which I had never heard of before) - that is why crowded, noisy places overwhelmed her from birth and made outings so difficult. She never slept well, and was extremely clingy. We discovered cranio-sacral massage therapy when she was 5, along with OT for the sensory issues and biofeedback for anxiety. The cranio sacral massage was the most life-changing thing for her (and by extension our whole family). For about $100 you can get your son a massage to see if it has a big impact on his tolerance for life. You should see a big difference after the first massage if this is going to really work for him. For my daughter, it was like someone just smoothed all those rough edges down. She relaxed and could cope with life without getting all upset all the time over what seemed like nothing. She also slept much better from the night of the first massage. Start at www.upledger.com to read more about this type of therapeutic massage, then use their link to find a therapist in your area. You want to search for someone with "cranio-sacral certification" because it is really important to get someone with lots of experience in CST and lots of experience working with kids. You stay with your son. He doesn't have to be still. He can play with toys while the therapist works. You won't see much beyond the therapist placing his/her hands on your son's body, but believe me the results can be amazing. If you can, try it yourself. It's the most amazing stress reliever I've ever found.
Hang in there.
S.
SAHM of 3
This is from a 23 month perspective, so take it for what it is worth...
How do you do your transitioning? Does he have warning that the activity is going to change? Even if he doesn't like it? I always try to ask, are you ready for a change? He usually says no, and runs to do something else, but I continue to say, you have 2 minutes to do X, then we are changing your diaper... and do it. He may fuss and cry, and I let him know that I understand, but he that he is stinky and needs to be clean. Sometimes he still fusses, other times I am able to redirect and we have fun during the change.
What type of discipline do you use? How do you enforce it? Are you consistent? I really only use time outs for hitting, which my son does when he doesn't like that I am making him do something he doesn't want to do. I usually still make him do it, and he gets his 2 minute time out. Most other things he is redirected for, or something is taken away. If you are trying to discipline for too many things, maybe he is overwhelmed and doesn't understand the boundaries?
Just some thoughts.
Was it a safety issue moving him to his bed? (climbing/falling) I wonder if he wasn't ready to move to a bed - could you consider going back to the crib? If not, he will most likely settle out soon. If he has trouble with change and transitions, then big changes like moving to a toddler bed will probably take more time for him to adjust to. I find that doing my best to leave extra time for my 2 1/2 year old to get dressed, bath, get in the car etc.... saves frustration on both of our parts.
Fighting your rules yet clinging to what he knows is a hallmark of a 2 year old. Its like practice for being a teenager! I think you should try to be as firm and loving and possible and pick your battles. Could he be overtired? Maybe he doesn't like his bed? Or maybe he misses his dad and he can't verbalize why he is sad. I know you can't change that and it must be VERY hard for you to do all the childcare. Try to get him and YOU out of the house and with other people as much as possible. I think that may really help.
This is totally normal. According to child psychology, every 1/2 year mark (1.5, 2.5, and so on...) children go through what psychologists call a "disequilibrium" phase. As they approach their birthday (3 y.o) it gets better. And then again, as they approach the half year mark, things get out of balance. Knowing this helps me, and it makes sense.
What helps them a little bit is giving them a lot of choices you "can live with" through out of the day: Do you want to wear a blue or red shirt, do you want to brush your teeth before or after washing your hands? Do you want to seat on your carseat by yourself or do you want me to help you?...
All of these is based on the books I have read from "Parenting with Love and Logic" most of the time they work. It is important for them to have a sense of control in their lives, and these little choices help them feel that way.
Another trick that I learned when my communication (with my preschooler) is getting no where, I would use "an enthusiastic" tone of voice for distraction. It doesn't come natural to me, but it works ;-)
Anyway, I hope it helps...my husband also travels a lot, and is only my daughter and me...not easy for neither one.
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Sounds like too many transitions and he feels out of control himself. So he's exerting control where he can.
Try giving him a day to de-stress. When he wakes up in the morning let him wear whatever he has on. If he doesn't want to change clothes, don't make him. (Obviously he needs his diaper changed). Give him lots of love and attention and stay in his sight. Maybe read to him, play games etc. Let him eat when he wants and whatever he wants. Let him lead you (obviously he can't break things etc.) It's just one day! If he's naughty don't scold, redirect.
Sometimes just loving him as he is and letting him have his way for once will make him feel more in control and secure. My stepdaughter would start to misbehave and fight everything when she came from a long week at mommy's. So we'd give her a day to "de-stress" and just let her do whatever she wanted (within reason of course.) It's amazing how just giving love and support would change her! Usually by mid-day she was not only behaving like an angel, but also loving and happy.
Good luck!
I have three boys, one of whom is almost 2.5 now. He's giving us a lot of trouble (much more than his older brother did) right now. Although he started talking early and has an excellent vocabulary, he escalates everything to a scream right away. Either it's a scream with no words or "I need a KLEENEX!" or "I need more MILK!" at the top of his lungs, as though we've been neglecting his requests for hours. It's completely exasperating. Minor disturbances often provoke roll-around-on-the-floor tantrums.
Although we haven't figured out how to stop this behavior, we are definitely getting through to him in small ways. When he screams or asks without saying please, we tell him to use his words and to ask without screaming or whining, and we do not get him his milk, Kleenex, or what have you until he asks more politely. Now it's enough for us to say "Try again" when he screams for something, and he asks more appropriately. This took A LOT of repetition, but it's finally working. The key is to never do what he wants until he stops screaming about it.
As for napping, we also transitioned our son to a toddler bed not so long ago. However, we didn't get rid of the crib. I don't know whether that's an option for you, but for us it has been great. I tell my son that if he gets out of his bed, he will go in his crib, and I do it -- the FIRST time I hear him get out of bed. If he stays in his bed (even if he has toys in bed), he takes a nap. If he gets out of bed and plays, he usually doesn't nap. If he is having a hard time settling down, then putting him in his crib with no toys gets him to sleep within 10 minutes. Most days, though, he sleeps in his bed. I even hear him repeating to himself, "If I get out of bed, I will go in crib."
Our son also has started fighting bedtime. One thing we've started doing recently is introducing some fun games to disguise bedtime routines. I found these suggestions in a magazine. We hide the toothbrush, dental floss, toothpaste, and pajamas in a particular room and have our sons look for them in a scavenger hunt. As soon as they find an item, they have to use it or put it on. If your son uses a pacifier or has a favorite stuffed animal he takes to bed, hide that too. Then, once the scavenger hunt is over and everyone is ready for bed, we take a quick walk. If it's dark, we bring flashlights. By the time we get home, the boys have had enforced calming time sitting in a stroller, and they go to bed without complaint.
Before I opened this post, I knew you had a little boy. I have 3 boys (a 6 year old and twin 4 year olds). At that age until recently, they were a mess. They are learning to communicate and get frustrated when you don't understand them or they don't understand you. And little boys in particular are full of energy and are HARDHEADED!
The only advice I can give you is set rules, boundaries and consequences and stick to them. Eventually, he'll get the point that it's going to be your way, not his and his behavior will improve.
In the meantime, make sure he gets plenty of exercise. Little boys have so much extra energy and it will help him stay calm if he gets the chance to get all of that energy out. Good luck, he's turning the corner, you should start to see some improvement around 3 years :)
