Need Help with "Tough Love"

Please listen to the post below that urges you to go to Al-Anon immediately. This is not AA, which is for alcoholics -- this is for their family members and you truly need it, now. There is probably a meeting somewhere near you tonight! Surely at least there is one during this week.

They are at www.alanon.org and you can find local meetings online there.

If you're not familiar with it, Al-Anon .helps families cope with alcoholic loved ones and with how those loved ones' alcoholism affects their own lives. There, you will find people who have been through EXACTLY what you are experiencing with your brother, and you can learn so much from their stories. We can't help you the way they can. See if your cousin will go too, but if not-- go yourself. These are people who can truly support you over time, and who can advise you on where to turn next. Please update us and say you've located a meeting for yourself and will go ASAP.

My first suggestion would be to get yourself into Al-anon.... THERE , you will find many people such as myself who have grown up around alcoholics... From my parents to aunts/uncles, siblings to even a brother and a niece who were heroine addicts.... Al-anon was a place for me to work on ME... because ME is where it starts.... For years, I thought since I missed the drinking bug and didn't do drugs that I was not caught up in the addict cycle.... however, you can't grow up and be around that kind of behavior without some of it sinking in you as a person.. In my case, I was a huge enabler and co-dependent.... after getting into a 12 step, I would also discover that I was a compulsive spender (particularly on others) and I often turned to food when I was upset in some way, not unlike an "addict" who turns to alcohol or drugs... my point.. while it does appear it's the addict with the problem and this may hold true, it is also those who have grown up or been around the addict .... addiction is a family and in some cases, friend disease.. IF you can get into Al-anon, there are tools that you can learn to better cope with the addict while at the same time, learning to empower yourself.. in my opinion, the 12 steps are a wonderful program and unlike traditional therapy that I have been in, the steps have proven more useful... it's a tough program in the sense that you aren't just looking at the addict's behavior, but mainly your own................ which I have to say can be really difficult at times...
the meetings are free and all over the place.... you can even do telephone ones.. but for a first meeting, I'd go in person.... shop around, not all meetings are the same... but if you can find one you like that resonates with you, it's like finding gold.................... precious to behold.. but hey, that's just my opinion... check it out for yourself..

my best to you :)

How hard for you!! ((((hugs)))) I can tell you really love your brother and it is so painful to watch a loved one self destruct. I would sit down with your cousin and the friend to discuss options for getting your brother access to help. What do you think of driving him to a rehab center? Don't let him in your house but tell him you will drive him to a hospital because he needs medical attention. Another idea might be to hand him numbers to a shelter. You and your brother are in my prayers.

Try looking into other rehab facilities. At least 80% of people going into rehab show up drunk - figure its the last time so make it worth it. Also, detoxing on your own can be incredibly dangerous. court ordered rehab generally is a joke so a private facility would be better. Look into doing an intervention with a professional (this is beyond your knowledge). People who go to rehab voluntarily and those who go b/c of an ultimatum (divorce, cutting them off, etc) have the same rate of recovery. It sounds like your brother will need extensive in-patient and then probably a half-way type facility.

good luck

Only encouragement. You are doing the right thing. Unfortunately, your brother may not get better any time soon, but enabling him is definitely the wrong thing to do.

Only he can make the choice to stop drinking, and he may just end up killing himself, and if he does, it is not your fault.

Stick to your guns.

I am so sorry that you are alone in this struggle. YOU really are all he has left in life. Poor guy :( And..I really feel for you in this struggle. Mom and dad gone, sibling out of state and far removed from the day to day stuff.

You have tried helping him in a loving and compassionate way. He did not use that time to get himself serious outside help with his addiction. Your brother is an addict to a legal drug. Alcohol has ruined many families...many lives... and taken many lives. He needs help before he kills himself with this legal drug.

Please go to an Al-anon meeting. There you will gain insight into the addiction and how you as a family member can cope...and help the addict without enabling them.

Next time he tries entering your home, call the cops. Next time your child finds uncle on the couch, instruct her to call the cops. Talk to your kind neighbor and get him on board to call the cops. That is tough love!

Your "feeling bad" will not go away. You love him. You have compassion for his broken state of mind. It hurts to see loved ones make horrible choices. You know he is a good man..but he is an addict. The desire for alcohol motivates all his decision making. Alcohol means more to him than anything or anyone. He will sacrifice relationships to get it.

Please, go to a meeting. They are much better qualified than us on Mamapedia to "help" YOU truly "help" your brother.

You are a kind soul to put up with this behavior as long as you have. I wish you the best....

Geez. I would call AA and ask them what to do. Yes, tough love is the right thing to do. Never been in a situation even similar but AA would have to resources and information you need. So sorry. You're doing the right thing. So sad...

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Remember, the right thing to do is usually not the easy thing. Your brother needs to hit his bottom before any real change will happen. I know it seems like it to you, but he's not there yet. He won't be there until he's spending his nights in a homeless encampment and maybe not even then.

The best thing you can do for your brother is, next time he appears at the door, take him to a detox center or an AA meeting. You should also go to an Alanon meeting. You will gather the strength for tough love from others there who are trying to do the same. It always helps to know you are not alone and believe me, you're not.

Good luck and keep doing what you're doing. You can't control your brother or his alcoholism, but you can control how you react to it. You're doing a GREAT job!

I think you did the right thing. Too often we feel like we are helping people in these situations by accommodating them because we feel sorry for them, but that only enables them to keep doing what they are doing. He needs to hit rock bottom. You should tell him that if he enters your home again without your permission that you are going to call the cops. You can't allow his issues to consume your life and home. He needs a level of help that you can't give him. Don't continue to enable him. Ask if he is willing to get treatment/help and if he is.........take him, if he says no, then tell him that he is not welcome at your home drunk or you will call the cops.