Out of Control 10 Year Old Neice, Please Help!

J.,
The only advice I can give you that will work and makes any sense at all is to whip her butt everytime she acts up. After a few days, I promise her behavior will change drastically.

Hello,

My sister-in-law try this and it work. When she throwing her fit. Have the mother throw one too.. On the floor kicking and screaming just like the daughter. NO matter where you are at. Maybe she saw how embrassing that is. she will realize that's there is a better way to go about it. My nephew was 7 at the time though. Maybe this will help.. Good luck

Hi J.,
Well I have a couple of suggestion's
I would start by saying your sister needs to make sure she is not comparing one child to another, then she needs to make sure she is being consistent and then she needs to make sure the rules that are laid down are age appropriate and both children have to follow them. Also you need to make sure that there is not a family issue going on here and she is just made out to be the black sheep of the family. I would also suggest that your sister and her daughter start a notebook this is for your niece to write down her questions and/or feelings/problems and your sister to write down her responses. There should be rules established with these rules like little sister is not able to read it, it is kept in a place only your sister and her daughter know about, there should be no yelling or cussing or name calling in this.

This notebook is a way for them to communicate without them being mad or getting mad at each other.

In my opinion it is a lack of respect from your niece to your sister and she is only acting this way because she has been allowed to act this way and it gets results for her negitive or positive. I'm a big Dr. Phil fan and as he would say "you can't change what you don't acknowledge". I think your sister needs to take a step back and take a good look inside her home where her children are concerned. You can't throw one child under the bus and blame everything on her when this might be a "family issue" that needs resolved. I can't give mush more advice than this, I don't know if there is under lying circumstances, what the dynamics of the family are, what sort of life and upbringing have the kids had so far, ect. In my opinion you can't send a child to "boot camp" and expect "them" to magically fix the "problem" that this 10 year old child has. This is all about respect this little girl has never been taught respect, how to respect her mother and what she says. I don't think you can have anybody respect you (your sister) if you don't respect yourself. I think your sister needs to look inside her house from the outside in and see the dynammics for herself, anylize the situation and really look at what may be going on.

I can only give you suggestions, hope this helps you in some way. W.

We just signed on with Tom Scott, a therapist who specializes in kids who have emotional problems, particularly anger. He also has a group thing for kids, on Monday & Friday afternoons. There's a brochure about his group thing at

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rls=SDEA%2CSDEA%3A...

His office phone number is there, and if your sister wants to go in and talk to him about whether he thinks he could help your niece, he also does regular counseling.

Good luck!

Boot Camp type things scare me. What does that say to a child? Maybe they are good for older kids, but 10 is so young. I hope your sister can find a way to help her daughter with out sending her away. I think a 10 year old's problems are the family's problems and every one should work together to help her. I don't have a child this age, but my mom has had a foster daughter for about 6 years who is now 12. Good luck to you and your sister.

There's a book called The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It teaches parents how to pick their battles and when to expect explosions like these. I used it exclusively on my middle boy and realized, it is okay to treat one child differently than the others, have a different behavior plan, because all kids are different.

I use it for my 6 year old, and 3 year old. I've used it on all my neices and nephews around me whom are all over 10 now.

A therapist suggested it for me in the Spring of 2006. It really works.

This winter we also added "Special Time" where we play for 5 minutes alone. I would suggest this as a time to talk right before bed. Your neice gets to say anything she needs to. Mom cannot make any commands, ask any questions, nor make any negative comments. If she's lost for what to say, she should repeat everything the girl says, making sure to drop the sound of the last word to a deeper note to infer she is not asking a question. If she hears anything she approves of, she should repeat that phrase right away using as much enthusiasm as possible. The say the same thing with "I like it when you (whatever the action was). During the day the mom and all the other adults need to shower her with that same kind of labeled praise. Always always say "I like, love, appreciate, it when you (whatever the kid is doing)"

Now Commands, should be direct and limit followed by please. Go gather all your laundry from your room please. If she do it, then immediately after she does it, say "thank you for minding me" and don't issue another command until she's been praised for 2 things, she's had 2 things she said nicely repeated. This is a reward for good behavior and it works on children of all ages, including husbands.

If she doesn't follow the command, then you issue a warning. If you don't gather the laundry from your room you're going to have to (at her age I would say scrub the toilet, floor, cabinets, walls)She has 5 seconds to move toward the positive action or she's taken to the negative action. Once she's done the negative action for 3 minutes and has had at least 5 seconds of silence in a row then she gets asked if she's ready to go get that laundry, she continues to do the punishment until she finally does say yes she's ready to go get the laundry and then she must get the laundry.

ONLY DO THIS WHEN YOU HAVE TIME TO DO IT. that's part of the pick your battles.

You can do the same with putting a child in time out, 3 minutes no matter what age with 5 seconds of silence in a row, and they are asked if they are ready to complete the action after they have "done their time" Always a hard chair, and always in an empty area facing away from you. If they get up then you shut them in a room, like a totally empty bathroom for one minute, holding the door closed but in a way so that it can't be locked. Asking at the end of the minute, are you ready to finish your time in the chair, at the end of the time in the chair, are you ready to finish (what you told them to do in the first place)

There's so much more I could tell you but this will get you/or mom started.

If she's near you, check into getting the tape loaned to you from the Tulsa Library system. I made sure that my husband

one piece of advice i can give is to have the child looked at and given test to determine if there is any type of disorder other than spoilt brat. i work with the mental health dept of our state and i work with adolesecne and teens with emotional and mental illness which is what it sounds like the child has. some problems are treatable and she can get help with contact your mental health dept in your area for free help.

Please don't let your sister send her to a bootcamp before she takes her to a therapist. I think you all might be focusing too much on the tantrums and not enough on the reason behind them. There must have been something that triggered this behavior in the first place. Usually, it coincides with big life changes in the family. Plus, if she reacts every time her daughter throws a tantrum then the child will not change her ways. Sounds like she's seeking attention and she's definitely getting it. Remember too that if the adults in her life show anger, frustration, etc. she will behave the same way and understandably so. If you all remain calm, unaffected and relaxed, she will see that throwing fits are pointless. I know it's hard because I'm a mom of 4 kids (14 yrs, 7, 4 and 20 months). I've gone and still go through this same situation occasionally. I really think she has anger about something deep inside and doesn't know how to express it so it manifests in these tantrums. I really suggest getting her into therapy before resorting to a "bootcamp".
Good Luck~