Ouch. Husband's Least Priority for Spending Is My First (Cleaning)

keep her, get rid of the husband. :)
no seriously. i'm totally with you. that's a terrific price. great bang for the buck. i think you're a heroine for only having her come every other week!
some things are just well worth spending a little money on.
khairete
S.

Shrug.

Any cleaning I accomplished that I could NOT do

While holding at least one child

I owe entirely to Rugrats.

I cannot say I really enjoy housework, however I DO take pride in my job. And it IS my job.

:)

It is non negotiable. Pay for it and he can just deal with it.
$80 every 2 weeks? That is a good deal.

I would refuse to even discusss it any longer, it is what you need, so just do it.

Try to reframe the discussion in terms your husband understands. The two of you together aren't paying for just a cleaning service. You're paying for peace of mind. This is money well spent because it makes you happy. And allows you to focus on things that actually matter - like your children.

If you couldn't afford it, that would be one thing. But if you can... remind him this is not a debate about a cleaning lady. It's a debate about him trying to decide that the two of you shouldn't spend money on something that helps your sanity and happiness.

Surely there is money spent on things that make him happy - Starbucks coffee on the way to work, a fancy lawn mower he enjoys using, designer ties, whatever it is. He gets joy from certain purchases, and you from others. Just because he's the one bringing home the money doesn't mean his priorities are the ones that win.

And for what it's worth - I used to pay someone to clean my house and it was delightful. As soon as it's within the budget again I will immediately hire a cleaning lady again. Don't let anyone tell you that if you just rearrange your day or work harder, you could clean your own house. Of course you could. You could also grind your own wheat, bake your own bread, change your own oil, etc. But you don't. And that's all good.

I'm sure he can fit in the 4 hours of cleaning she does every two weeks into his schedule, right? So let him.

Your husband doesn't need to understand and agree with everything you think is a priority when it comes to spending. He just needs to give you room to make your own decisions within reason (and vice versa).

If you have money in your household budget that you created by smart shopping, he shouldn't say one word.

ETA: It also might help to remind him that women who are less stressed because they have clean homes and appreciative spouses are much nicer to live with.

"With my first, I figured 2 days a week at age 3, for a few hours.

With the last few kids? 5 days a week starting at age 3, 6 hours a day. And at age 2, 3 days a week for 2 hours."

That was your answer to a childcare question two months ago. Do you think, perhaps, your husband doesn't understand why he is paying for all that unnecessary childcare and you still want a cleaning lady?

I know I am scratching my head trying to come up with a reason and I raised four kids.

Sorry Leigh but I actually hurt for her kids when I read she puts them in after school care just to cut down on the number of hours she has to spend with them in the evening. If that is okay with you that is sad.

Being a stay at home mom doesn't mean you're a servant. Your full-time job is managing the kids and taking care of them, as well as doing the family's grocery shopping, menu planning, cooking, laundry, and god only knows what else.

You know what? Here's the easiest way to deal with this problem. Plan a girls' weekend away. Be sure to leave your husband with the kids. Don't grocery shop before you go, don't make any heroic efforts to do the laundry. Make sure the cleaning lady hasn't come recently. Let him live a few days in your life. After that, he will not say a word about the cleaning lady, I promise.

He doesn't understand why it's important to you, but he doesn't have to. He does have to accept it. I have to remind my husband of this from time to time. We are partners in this endeavor (family, raising kids, life), and sometimes we will each have something that's very important to us. He doesn't have to understand why it matters to you. But if it really matters to you he has to accept that.

I realize this can become a grey area. You can't just use that card all the time. But you should be able to use it when it really matters to you.

Sometimes if something doesn't make sense to him or isn't something that he cares about my husband will just dismiss it. I've had to point that out to him. It sounds a little bit like that's what your husband is doing here. I don't think he's trying to be dismissive of you. Just think he's forgotten that even though it doesn't seem that important to him, it's very important to you.

And I have to say I'm a little frustrated by some of the answers you've gotten judging your priorities. Some of us aren't as organized or great at housekeping. I'm not saying that about you, but I really stink at it. I think it's more than a little ok in life to admit that you're not great at something or you can't make it a priority or you simply don't want to make it a priority so you hire someone to do it for you.

My husband works on our cars himself. He doesn't just change the oil, he changes the brakes, fixes transmissions, engine troubles, whatever. We've been together over 10 years, we have never purchased a new car and he's only ever take a car in 2 times, both for recalls. Does that mean anyone who takes their cars to a mechanic is being lazy or doesn't know how to prioritize?

Suggesting that someone is doing something wrong because they alone cannot keep their house immaculate is very insulting!

I don't understand how he has the "final say" in this. I would explain how important this is to me and that I had changed shopping habits and the cost savings is actually paying for this then I would tell my husband that I love him and I appreciate his opinion but in this case I am throwing out my veto card and cleaning lady stays.

Also, this is YOUR money as well as hubby's. Your staying home and tending to the family allows him to be the success he is. If you weren't home, who would be tending the children and home? Exactly! =)

When my husband said boneheaded things like this I would tell him "I don't work for you and if I did, you couldn't afford me".

I think you need to sit down with him and go over the household budget. You should also go over all the things that you do, all the things she does, and all the things he does. If he comes home and puts up his feet while you chase snot, that's not fair, either.

As a PT WAHM, I got very very angry with my DH when he complained about the mess and I started keeping track of everything I did - from every one of his unnecessary phone calls, to every meeting for work, to every diaper change. He didn't like that, and I challenged him to think about how I felt when he accused me of not doing enough.

We keep our 2x a month housekeeper to give the rooms a once-over and we do all the rest (dishes, laundry, lawncare). One of my friends hired someone to mow the lawn so she'd see her husband on weekends instead of having him mowing the lawn most of his one real day off. Sometimes it is time vs money or money vs sanity. Are you able to afford it? Then keep her, IMO.

I also bet that there is some financial outlay that you could consider frivolous that he keeps, like his dry cleaning. Certainly he could iron his own shirts, right? Or use Dryel on those suit pants. You understand why he might want to use a dry cleaner and he must understand why you might keep a housekeeper.

Or, perhaps leave him with the kids while you do something else and challenge him to not ignore the children and their needs while doing everything the housekeeper does. Go away for the same amount of time he's gone and see how he does.

$80 is less than what we pay. And I consider our lady a godsend because I stink at deep cleaning and it makes my husband happy to have a really clean house 2x a month. I am not June Cleaver. I never will be. I am good at other things. It is a luxury, sure, but one we can currently afford. We don't do a lot of other things like eat out weekly so we can prioritize the dry cleaning and the house cleaning. It is a sanity saver. If I did the math, you have... a lot of kids. Of course the house isn't going to be perfect. That's what kids do! I would also reiterate to him that you shop so smartly with the groceries that you have money left to pay for housekeeping. So, end of discussion.

ETA: I have one kid at home. I am not a natural housekeeper. IMO, it matters less that you only have one or two kids home than it does that this is important to you. I know my days aren't just eating bonbons. I work, I do dishes, I clean up cat puke. My child is in school most of the day in the fall and I still think our housekeeper is worth having 2x a month. That's it. That's all the time she comes and we do all the rest. At one time, we also use PeaPod so we didn't have to spend time at the store. Your time doesn't have to be dictated by anyone else on this forum. If anyone wants to bash you for your housework choices, they can bash me, too.

I believe that there are some areas that are our individual domains that we have authority over. The housecleaning is yours. It's not his job to know what all goes into maintaining that part of keeping house. In leaving you home all day, he entrusts you to make decisions for the best way to handle that. As long as you can afford to do it, this should be YOUR call, if this is your area of expertise. He should assume that if you want it, then it must be necessary.

Now, that's just the gospel according to me. I don't know the dynamic of your partnership. I just believe that every person can't be in charge of every thing. We have areas of strength and weakness, and each duty has to fall under somebody's ultimate say.

If it were between my husband's word and mine and I were the one in charge of keeping house, I would overrule him. I mean, we don't sit and discuss whether or not it's time to purchase a new trash can or tires. In our house, those things fall under his control, and we only need to discuss them if there's a question about cost and prioritizing. If I needed a something in the kitchen to help me do MY job--and money were not an issue--I'd mention it to him in passing and get it. It wouldn't have to be HIS priority. I wouldn't expect it to carry the same weight with him as with me because he doesn't have to deal with the process, only the results.

I haven't read the other posts because to me the answer is simple. As you say, you're responsible for the house. So keep the service. I don't understand why you have to have his permission to have household help. I don't understand why he thinks his priority takes precedence over yours especially when it comes to your responsibilities. I might feel differently if he took over part of the cleaning.

A marriage is a partnership. Do you have equal say in how he spends money? The money is the family's money. If he wants to say it's his money then he needs to pay you for the work you contribute to making the house a home.

Perhaps I don't understand your question. Perhaps you're just asking if his suggestion is reasonable because you're unsure. I say that if there is available money it's reasonable to have this service. If he wants to spend that same money on something else or to save it there should be a discussion but you have final say because cleaning the house is your responsibility. I would insist on that policy.

I skimmed thru some of your previous posts and I suggest you come across as lacking in confidence. This may be in part because your husband does not, through action or attitude, allow you to be in charge. Sounds like you second guess yourself often. Your lack of confidence may be contrbuting to his attitude and behavior. I urge you to try out counseling to help you understand the dynamics of your relationship as well as how to increase your self-confidence and thus to be comfortable making decisions, setting boundaries and getting your needs met.

What first started me thinking this way is the difficulty you're having managing small children. In one post you describe how they destroyed the house. You either made no attempt to stop their rampage or were inaffective in doing so. Stopping them seems easy tho not pleasant to me.

Or perhaps you need help in learning how to be assertive. Have you tried saying in a firm voice, "stop!" And then follow thru with unapologetic consequences? If you can't say to your husband that stopping the cleaning service it's time to figure out what is going on in your relationship. Counseling for you is the place to start.

Well... I'm all for husband and wife being on the same team. But I wonder if you might ask him if he would feel differently about the cleaning service if you paid for it yourself - since you're the one who wants it.

And if (as I would hope) he said, "Sure," you can answer, "That's exactly what I do!" and show him your grocery receipts.

I've hired people for years. Keeping the house clean is my jurisdiction and I take it on gladly. But, in the business world, there are two legitimate ways of getting a job done: doing it oneself, or hiring someone else to do it.

My lovely ladies can do more in two hours than I can do in two days. (I'm paying the same amount you are, by the way. It's more than reasonable.) They cover all the basics so that we're always reasonably sanitary. I spend some of my time digging into drawers and closets and doing the detail work. My husband isn't crazy about it, either, but it comes out of my household budget; he doesn't have to worry about making sure they're paid, and I've never asked him to supply extra money for that expense.

By my own choice, I don't get manicures and pedicures, I don't take weekends with "the girls," I rarely buy my clothing anywhere but at second-hand shops, and I don't color my hair, so I can do this.

Hope it works out for you.

I think I would say that the approximately $160 a month is cheaper then marital, individual or child therapist......

:-)

ETA: keep the service. It is keeping you all sane and happy. You don't need his approval. This is what you need to do your job and it is important to you.. It's ok for him to not like it.

ETA2: love hearing how you took control! Way to go J. O. :-).

Squirrelly Tots I love your response!

I could understand if it is an expense that is a burden, or if you are struggling financially... But I'd you were able to cover it by changing your shopping habits, I would try to convince hubby to keep her.

I actually just got done reading this article right before I read this. It comes from a SAHD's point of view, after he had been judging his wife's keeping of he house. Maybe it can give your husband a bit of perspective?

http://m.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/21/...

I'm sure it would be possible to keep the house clean if you really tried... But sheesh, who really wants to have to stress about keeping the house clean while wrangling 5 kids if you have other, feasible options? I'd say the $80 is well spent if it helps you keep your sanity.

Here's the way I look at it: I hire people to do what I can't do well or what I don't feel like is a good use of my time. For example, I don't paint my own house. I can and am perfectly able to do so, but I'm not good at it. It's not a good use of my time when I don't have the right equipment, time, or expertise. If you feel this way about cleaning, then you are justified in hiring someone if you can afford it. Just tell this to your husband and put your foot down about the cleaning service.

Tell him that if doesn't want to pay for the service, he can stay up late and do the cleaning himself after the kids are in bed or can get up early and do it in the morning. Make a list of the things that she does, and the things that you do all day every day. My guess is that your list is ridiculously long, and her list is shorter but full of heavy lifting, concentrated jobs that don't get done in 5 minute increments on the fly. If he thinks it's so easy, let him incorporate those tasks into HIS schedule.

Oh and? Remind him of how much money daycare for 5 children would be. It's A LOT. He is able to earn his income because you are at home covering all of the childcare, cooking, shopping, and everything else that he can't do while he's at work. So yes, you are EARNING part of his paycheck for him. Without you, he'd be paying through the nose for all that you do.

I'm a single mother of three who has not been able to afford a cleaning service (or daycare or any help), and BELIEVE ME, if I could have had cleaning help, and if I had a husband who COULD afford it, I would stop at nothing to demand that he did not cut it off.

If I could have back some of the millions of hours I spent cleaning, And some of the days back I wasted while I was too depressed to go do something fun with the kids because the house was a disaster and I needed to "stay in and clean it AGAIN", and if I could have had more peace of mind, I would have!!!!

Now my kids are older and can help and I'm not so bogglingly overwhelmed so I can look at it more like "wasteful cost" and do without, but when the kids were smaller: It Was A Nightmare For Me Not To Have Help.

The ONLY thing that should stop you from having this "luxury" is if you guys cannot afford it. If he can afford it, then you need to let him know you're NOT GOING TO STAND for him canceling it. And that there will be consequences. You can try to go about it nicely and diplomatically, but don't back down!!! This should not be "all his" decision if you have a healthy relationship.

"Honey, I really really really need this help in order to be a happy, productive mom. We can afford it. My needs and happiness are not a waste of money. I've compensated for the cost in grocery cuts and I"ll work with you to find somewhere else in the budget we can make room for it, but if you cancel this help I will be seriously unhappy. If you love me, you will not do this. I'm begging you." Think of a comfort or two you provide for him that you will "no longer feel obligated to care about" and warn him.

And then if he does it, for real, follow through on your word. What is something nice you do for him that makes his life more comfortable? Food on the table for him after work? Folded laundry for him to choose from? SORRY, you were so busy scrubbing toilets, exhausted from picking up the same five recurring messes all day long, and depressed from the mess you live in, you didn't make dinner or stock his drawers. Or whatever your system is. He's looking at this as a "cost" and not seeing that it is very personal to you.

****If you have tons of daycare like some other poster mentioned, then you probably CAN clean a bit more...but really, if your husband makes that much money-what gives? I know moms with ONE KID, full time nannies, fancy preshools AND housekeepers....it's all about what people can afford and how much they value what their spouse wants.

Did he absolutely say NOOO OR is he just arguing about it? If he didn't absolutely say no then I'd just keep the service and let him whine about it every so often, then say thanks and spray fabuloso into his nose. It sounds like no matter what you do he's a 'depression' baby, always worried about money even if he's making a fortune. Don't give him the power just because he's the only one 'working'...YOU are working five times more than he is I am sure and there are still too many spouses (husbands and wives) who play that card because someone is home all day, or working only a part-time job and then being with the children the rest of the time.

He may earn the money, but honey your job is 24/7 and you don't get paid. This comment is coming from a 20 year full-time paid Ford Motor employee. Perhaps he can look at it as your salary.

If my husband could find the savings in our grocery bill to have someone do a thorough clean (as opposed to tidy) every fortnight, I'd say go for it!

And we have three children at school five days a week!

You could always suggest his company downsize by one employee and your husband can take on that other person's job. No doubt he knows how to do this person's job so it's not a problem. Besides the company will save tons of money this way. Two employees for the price of one. Seems logical to you even though you don't work either job and really have no clue about the day to day demands. If he complains, tell him to just remember the cost savings.

Saving money is great! you can put it towards retirement, college, etc.
First, I think he needs to figure out how he can cut 80$ worth of things that make his life better, but he could live without. Help him make a list that is catered to his lifestyle and what could change. Maybe he could take public transportation to and from work and sell the car. Would make his days harder but its all about saving money. Maybe he could promise to never buy coffee soft drinks or snacks, unless buying from a Sams Club type store with the best prices. No lunches out, bag lunches from home. You could cut his hair for him instead of the barber. Use baking powder instead of deodorant. No gym membership, dry cleaning, alcohol, cigars, or video games. Use wifi only at the office, do not pay for it at home. No smart phone, just a regular phone. Again it could be harder for him to do his work, but maybe he will just need to stay at work later. When he has figured out how he will work harder to save money, then you will join in the cause by giving up the cleaning lady.
Also present him with a bill each week adding up the childcare, personal shopping, laundry services, cooking, daily housekeeping, tutoring, driving his children, etc.

So, are you the manager of the house or not? Because if you are, what you says goes.

I have no advice as I just don't get it.

In our home it's our money. I cannot imagine my husband complaining about how I spend if it was concerning something I described as "life changing" and I told him "I cannot describe to you how happy I was to have some help".

Are you "allowed" to spend on shopping for clothing, meals out with friends, hair cuts, gym memberships, vacations and all those other unnecessary but fun things that make life more interesting? To me "what four highly paid adults make" is hundreds of thousands per year. Why in the world would he balk at $160 per month?

EDITED: Are you actually child free all day most days? That's an important part of this equation. Your post makes it sound like you're home all day with five little ones. It's still not a lot of money per month and if it's how you want to spend your money that's your choice. I'm just thinking if your alone most of the day maybe your husband is wondering what you're up to and just thinks keeping the house clean is your main job.

I hate cleaning. Hate it. We have a sweet lady and her helper who come every 2 weeks and clean the house. I clean up messes and spills, but other than putting things where they live, I do not clean (even toilets) before they come. We had this before there was a toddler and preschooler in the house. I'm not giving it up and my husband knows that.

$80 is a small expense ... We pay $125. If he's being this way, tell him cleaning is solely his responsibility and you don't want to hear how things aren't done. Continue to do what you've been doing during the weeks and before the service comes, but leave the pee toilets and shower mold and black gunk and let him do it, if he thinks having the service is unnecessary.

I know that sounds passive-aggressive and it is, but he's not taking your needs and thoughts into consideration. I assume it's because he's the "breadwinner". Too bad. You get to be happy and healthy too ... And, if you're not cleaning, then you're spending quality time with your 5 kiddos and that's definitely more important.

Happy Wife = Happy Life

Oh, and have him read this .... http://www.lifebuzz.com/letter-to-mothers/

Some men just don't get it.

ETA: Reading Julie's answer below -- Your kids are in child care and you can't find time to do the cleaning? (However, people who make $200K+ should still be able to hire a housekeeper. I would.)

Orig. answer: Grrr, that's really annoying.

If he really makes the salary of 4 well-paid adults (which in my mind would be over $200K), I would just stand firm and tell him that no way are we getting rid of the cleaning lady.

If you use Sammy's list, below, you can find all kinds of ways that HE can cut back to save money -- and once he's faced with that list, I bet he changes his tune.

I think of myself as frugal, but there's a difference between frugal and outright cheap. I think you should do what Dana suggests, and let him clean then, since he thinks it's so easy.

$160/month is nothing for someone who earns what your husband does. I think you should refuse to give up the cleaning woman, unless he's willing to do the cleaning himself. Jeez.

I'm sorry he is that way. :-( Since I got pregnant it sounds like we got the same service as you, they come every other week for 80 each time. And without this service , omg ..... i can't imagine. Except my husband and I both agree this is the best 80 bucks we spend. I do spend time "picking up" before they come . but unlike you, i do not clean the toilet or shower before they come. lool

Kudos to your polite addition of information about your children's schedules. This is a model of how we can add information when someone has questioned us. Thanks!!!

You know him and we don't, so only you know if this might work, but...What f you tell him most of what you posted here (you put it pretty darn well when you talk about how the service makes big differences that he does not actually see) and then ask him to give you this service as your birthday and Christmas present for the year?

Seriously, I would say, "OK, we need to agree to disagree, but I am asking that you take me and my concern here seriously, and let me have this one: Consider it my present. You will not hear one peep from me about wanting 'something to open' and you will not see so much as one raised eyebrow when everyone else is opening stuff at the holidays. Instead you will see a more relaxed wife who has not spend the preceding year herding kids and deep cleaning too."

Should you need to do it that way? Well, no. He should be more open to respecting your opinion on this since you, not he, spends the most time in the home. And this really does come down to respect. But if he can't manage that, then see if he'll go for the gift idea. I don't love it, but it might at least get you the service back.

Alternatively, have you ever written down for him EVERY single thing the cleaner does at each visit? In excruciating detail? With the time it would take for you to do each of those things? Put it in terms of how many minutes each week/day you would spend on the same things. The cleaner does it faster, that's for sure. He may need it laid out for him as a business proposition: If I spend X minutes a day, Y hours a week, on tasks A, B and C, that leaves this many fewer minutes I can drive the kids to their dance class/help at a volunteer thing/participate in school activity/etc.

Of course, if he says that school participation by parents, or volunteering at a kid's preschool, or getting kids to activities doesn't matter -- then you have a big red flag that really nothing you're doing at home and with the kids is as iimportant as money or his own job, and that's a very serious discussion that goes far beyond the piddling $80 cleaning service. I hope that's not the case and he's open to reason and to showing you some respect.

By the way, like Ziggy below, I am sorry to see some posts judging you and implying that you shouldn't need a cleaning service if you are at home with your kids and your kids have any kind of care or school. We don't know your situation and it's rude of others to judge you. I can barely keep up with ONE teen child who is old enough to help out - my hat is off to you for keeping up with five, and if a service really makes a difference in your quality of life (and your husband's though he does not see it), then push to keep that service.

I also think the idea of leaving stuff to get gross so he learns to appreciate the service is, well, passive-aggressive. I would first much rather talk to him adult to adult, when the kids are not going to interrupt, and present it as a business proposition of stressed wife versus what is actually a pretty cheap cleaning fee. And don't forget -- it's about his respecting your opinion of what's necessary in your domain. Passive-aggressive tactics don't get respect but only make people angry.

i have a cleaning lady that comes every 2 weeks. like you said, i like that because she does a general cleaning and i can concentrate on organizing, cleaning a room each day etc. if my husband were to suggest i get rid of this perk, i'd ride his butt to do the cleaning himself. he works. i don't. i need this perk. don't give it up.

Tell him that if you get rid of the cleaning service then he needs to give up cable or fill in the blank (something he enjoys). Is this money going to be going directly into a savings account or is it just going to be spent? Something else to consider. Just because he physically brings in the money doesn't mean you're not contributing to the household and shouldn't have the same amount of "say" in where money is spent. Good luck!

You already recieved some great answers. I just read this article today. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/2...
Maybe you could accidentally leave it open on his tablet or laptop?
We are getting a TON of work done to our house, so I've been trying to clean, declutter, and make room. After one vigorous day I woke up with a very sharp pain in the right side of my chest and have not been trying nearly as hard since. Plus, the workers make some mess too.
I don't get my nails/hair done, buy many new clothes, or indulge myself very often. But, if we could afford help I would be willing to cut corners to keep it.

$160 per month is a small amount to pay to have a happy wife. So I would not cancel the housekeeping. If he insisted, I would tell hubby that I was coming up with a chore schedule for everyone, including him. My husband does all our laundry, I basically do everything else. The thing that has helped me stay on top of it (mostly) is to REALLY downsize not just clutter, but furniture as well. Less of everything, less to clean and put away, that is a no brainer. Also, you have older kids that can do a lot: vacuum, dust, set the table, load/unload the dishes, do their own laundry, take care of pets, their rooms, etc. So get them involved, even if you keep the housekeepers. Good luck!

And why are you putting up with his attitude?

You are letting him decide for you what you do or do not need in your home.

I suggest you stop being his maid because it truly sounds like you are just waiting on him and not getting to have a lift at all.

Please stop, just let it go and see how long it takes him to realize just how much they do for you.

You say you have a bunch of little ones at home every day. Will some of them be going to school in the fall? That alone will make your day easier.

I think the only way a man sees what is what is to let him experience it.

I would simply not clean the bathrooms or vacuum or anything else that you pay that person to do. Then he'll walk into the shower one morning and not want to get in. THEN he'll realize what they do.

He's using you to be the housekeeper/maid and not even being respectful to you about this. I'd let it go until he decided to hire someone himself.

That said, why are you spending hours picking up toys? In my house if a toy came out of the bedroom it went into time out on top of the piano. If the kiddo wanted it back they had to wait at least 15 minutes. Then they got it back with the words "Toys that come out of the bedroom have to go to time out since they didn't stay in the bedroom, please help them stay in the bedroom".

Don't let them bring toys everywhere. If you decide to stop their actions you'll find a lot less mess in your house.

More details are needed for anyone to really say whether he's being fair or not... We don't know you or your schedule. I know my friend's husband complains she is inefficient etc and on one hand he's a jerk. On the other hand, I lived with her at one point and yes, she is kind of inefficient and sloppy... And as Julie said, I remembered too your post about all the childcare you have. 5 kids sounds like a lot but they're gone so much. And one of my criteria is who wanted 5 kids? Was your husband totally on board, it was mutual or you wanted so many? Bc I do have another friend who wanted 3. Her husband really wanted to stop at 2. They went on to have twins and she'll complain sometimes if he's not helping a lot and he won't let her have a cleaning person either but my husband and I both say how he didn't want so many kids to begin with... And is your husband really frugal with himself or wasting money all the time? 5 kids' educations hanging over his head is a lot. If you send them to private college, that's $1mm after tax in today's dollars. My parents didn't ever have cleaning people partly to save to pay for our colleges. So all these details matter. $160 a month doesn't seem bad and seems like you should get it but it is layered on top of lots of paid activities for the kids. So do the budget with him. See if there are places he's wasting money maybe you can help him cut back in exchange. Like make him good coffee every morning before he goes to work if he typically stops at Starbucks. Oh - I also remember you sleep 9-11 hours a night so maybe he figures you're not working THAT hard.

I use vinegar and water to clean. No chemicals.

This isn't just *his* decision. You two need to be a team.

But if you honestly reevaluate your schedule and priorities I bet you wouldn't need the cleaning service.

ETA: I was not implying that you are in the wrong at all. Sometimes my short answers get blasted or misunderstood by the other ladies.

Fight for it! Are there other areas he acts like this? Unreasonable. Sorry. I hope you find a way to get some alone time with all those kids and a house and hubby to manage!

most men don't see dirt or clutter.. they go to work come home and watch tv.. video games..

so he doenst notice the mold in the shower .. or the dirt anywhere.. youmight as well be talking to him in Chinese..

if it is important to you.. pay for it...

soon several of the older kids will be in school all day. and you will have more time to clean.. so you can focus on an area and really clean it.. I(like the bathroom-one day kitchen the next)

but cleaning with little kids a waste of time..

You've got 5 kids and you stay at home. We have one child, and we both work full time. Our situations are hugely different. We cut the cord on the cleaners. (It was expensive, they weren't as thorough as I would have liked, and I got frustrated with making room in my schedule for the cleaners to come, only to have them cancell, show up late, etc etc.)

Before we did so, we bought a roomba and a scooba. I run them about 3+ times a week. We also buy an occassional cleaning session via groupon (by occassional, I mean roughly quarterly). It works for us.

If having a cleaner is important to your sanity (and I understand how it can be), then express it in those terms, and keep one.

Best,
F. B.

We gave up on our cleaning service just from the aspect of saving money. We both work full time, 40 plus hours a week, we just do the best we can. I get up early sometimes or stay up late to clean up the house. Once you get on a scehdule, you will be able to keep things picked up. It is also good for kids to see mom and dad take care of the house and help out. My son has learned over time to do little things here or there. He had a shock over the two wks he was at over night camp when he had to clean toilets. The kids will learn also that if the house is clean and you expect them to pick up after themselves they will start to model taht behavior also.

I only have two kids, but even with that I resigned myself to the fact that probably until they are up and out of the house I was never going to reach my ideal level of clean and tidy. As long as nothing smells, gets moldy or attracts vermin, I'm winning.

Do you guys have a written budget? If not, the two of you should sit down and create one. Use your recent bills and banking records to see what you spend and where you spend it. It will show you can afford the service, or that you can't. If you can, then he will need a new argument. If you can't, then you'll either be able to let it go or find another area to cut. :-)