2 Year Old Won't Stop Saying NO! - Green Lake,WI

Two year olds say "no" because they hear that word enough..lol. If it is something you ask him to do and he says "No" say "I am not asking, I am telling you to do..." It takes the fight out of them because it is no longer a choice. Whatever you do don't put soap in his mouth, it could not only make him sick but I have heard that it could be deadly in some cases. I would like to say he will grow out of it but sadly enough some don't.

I feel for you - 2's and 3's can be so hard! Terrific and terrible at the same time. Thanks for reaching out for advice; you are not alone. Please don't resort to corporal punishment though; all respect to other parenting styles - soap or tabasco in the mouth is really terrible. His behaviour, as frustrating as it is, truly is part of an important and necessary developmental stage. My 3 year old is just getting through it, thank goodness:)

The advice you've already gotten regarding giving limited choices rather than asking questions that can easily elicit a "no", getting down to their eye level and explaining as calmly as possible yet firmly what has to happen, and reading up about development are all great - but it takes a lot of patience and time and commitment. Things that can be in short supply as parents.

As well meaning as I may be I still too often react poorly to "defiant" outbursts. And although I know full well from personal experience that when I react calmly I can often diffuse the situation instead of escalate it, I still lose patience sometimes and yell or act roughly. This is normal and we have to forgive ourselves, move on and vow to keep trying, and admit to our kids that we make mistakes too. Our example of reacting calmly, even when we're angry, asking forgiveness when we act in ways we regret and finding opportunities for positive rather than negative reinforcement are some of the best and most lasting gifts we can give our kids.

best wishes!

I can't believe there are moms out there putting soap in their toddlers mouth! How terrible! Seriously there are other ways to deal with toddlers than doing something discusting like that.

I agree with the previous poster that this is a completely normal stage and he will grow out of it. My 22 month old daughter is going through it right now and I am just going with the flow. I've found if I don't ask her as many questions I don't give her as many opportunities to say no. I tell her when or what we are going to do next rather than ask her if she wants to. She will say no right away before even thinking if she hears a question. It is in no way disrespectful, they are just trying to be independent and actually have a say in what happens to them. Remember they are little people, not our puppets. Treat him with love and respect and he will learn to treat you the same way. The more you punish him for this behavior the more likely he is to stick with it. I would try ignoring it and don't let him see that he is making you upset. Talk to him calmly always, even when disciplining. They really feed off of our emotions.

Ahhhh, two year-olds! I remember it with horror!
"Mommy sure does have a reaction when I say "no!" I'm gonna say it all da time, now!"
Take the power out of the word and make it a non-issue. I did this with my boys....whenever they said no to an actual question, let it go--don't ask the question if you don't want the answer, right? If they started to say it over and over or just started getting snotty with it, I started to sing the "no song". Pick any song that they know, and only use the word no in it. Lullaby: no no no. no no no. No no NO NO, no no no....start giggling. Use an upbeat tune; dance to your song. If you're brave and don't mind the stares, do it in public, if needed! Sometimes they'd stop right away, and sometimes they'd get frustrated...if that's the case, the little man has something on his mind and it's your job to find out what it is. Sometimes I'd even do the "no song" as a game, without any provocation from them. Then I'd pick another tune and sing the "yes song". I never had to resort to discipline with this method.
Another technique is to phrase questions with two choices. Milk or juice, etc. If you get "no", ask are you thirsty or not thirsty? Give choices CONSTANTLY, then when there's a situation where he can't have a choice, you remind him of all the choices he was given in the past and tell him that now mommy gets a choice.
The choice advice is cribbed heavily from the "Love and Logic" books. Check them out...they really help. Even with two little headstrong boys (I blame my husband's genetic "type A" personality), I'm sane today and got through the TERRIBLE (awful, debilitating, exhausting, please-make-it-stop)TWO'S! And you will too, I promise.

my kids went thru that too. please clean up....no....that is a yes. can u do this ?.....no....that's a yes. tell them different instead of listening to them in authority. good luck!

Soap in the mouth worked very nice in my home. I only had to use it a few times and then they knew that mommy was serious about using that method. I never used it without a very firm warning that if that happened again they would be getting the soap. I first did this when my daughter was about 2.5 yrs old. She had a very sassy mouth, and yes, I did try everything before the soap came out. She is 5 now and still knows if she gets lippy I can and will bring the bar of soap out. Good luck and stand your ground, even when they push their boundries!!

Kids mimick people. Especially people who they are around them most. If they are consistently told the word "No", it is etched in their mind and can't help themselves. If they know they get a reaction from you, they will keep doing it.

You may need to try what has been effective with my son (now 3 years old son) along with my almost 6 year old daughter. This also works with other bad behavior.

I will get down to their level, hold my thumb and forefinger (firmly, but not hard) on there cheeks and put their face right into mine and say "That's ENOUGH" and once that is said, stare at them for three seconds (kids don't like to be stared at) and then let go. If they cry or show any remorse, then you got through to them. If they smile or it is ineffective, keep doing it until they do. It may sound cruel or mean, but it works.

Now most of the time, all I need to do is stare at them and say ENOUGH with a displeased look and they get my meaning.

In the meantime if they are doing something that they know they shouldn't be doing, ask questions like "Are we suppose to <<what they are doing>>. "Is that something <<behavior>> that we do?>>

If "No" needs to be said, try to replace it with "Stop" or "Quit"

Let me start with a disclaimer--we all mother differently and some of us could never tolerate the very things that work well for another. So if this hits you the way the "cry it out" advice does me, then do what I do--ignore it.

We have had a lot of 2-year-olds by now and they have all turned into delightful 3-year-olds (and up). But it seems that 2 is probably the most effective year for spanking. Assuming that all else is well (parents and child have a loving, trusting relationship and communicate effectively with each other) spanking correctly is very effective and is the only way we have been able to correct this problem. The situation is that the child has recently discovered that he is capable of having an opinion that is different from yours. Look at it from his side. This is rather exciting! He is growing up and that is good. But just like all of his other abilities, this one needs boundaries. He can use it for much good and lots of fun for all within safe boundaries. The boundary at risk here is your absolute authority. He is your child and, for better or for worse, you have authority over him. To some degree, he knows this instinctively, and must, therefore, challenge it. That's how he finds out if that boundary is really there. You need to boil down all of your separate complaints to this one core issue (and ignore for now the ones that don't fit it) and concentrate on it as a simple matter of authority. If he is truly defying your authority in a matter, then you take him aside (we go to the bathroom), get on his level (again, the bathroom--the toilet seat puts us nearly eye-to-eye), and tell him that. Don't get too caught up worrying about whether he understands you. He understands more than you might think and doesn't need to understand as much as we sometimes think. Just be as clear and simple as possible and explain that "Mommy said to...... and you may not tell mommy 'no'" This is when the spanking comes in for us. It only needs to hurt on some level. We have children who hurt from the very thought that they had been spanked and we were painless with the spanking. We keep it to a couple of swats that speak authority (never anger, revenge or any such inappropriate messages to a child). And we always follow it up with hugs and whatever such assurance is needed. Everyone leaves on great terms. I will say at this point that you may know of or be able to find another punishment that would do the job. But it looks like you are trying some that don't. And washing his mouth out sounds like an exercise that you won't want to attempt more than once--I assume you weren't serious there, anyway. The important thing is that it hurts him enough to make him not want to continue getting it and that it be simple enough that you can administer it quickly and repeatedly because--and that leads to the other really important thing, consistency. You need to be sure that he never is allowed to "get away" with the behavior. It will set you back significantly. If you are absolutely consistent it will all be over in a number of short sessions and spanking will seem much less cruel than allowing a child to go on his undisciplined way doing things that make him and everyone around him unhappy.

Hi MG,

Yes, this is a part of growing up, but if we don't teach our children right from wrong, who will.? Just because it is a part of growing up doesn't mean you have to put up with it with no consequences. Decide a consequence, and stick with it, whether it be soap, vinegar, a thump, time-out in the corner, etc. Be consistent, and follow-through every time. The first couple of times you get after them for something tell them exactly why they are getting the consequences...they probably already know, but just in case. From the day they are born, children are sometimes smarter than we are...I know there are some that don't believe that, but it's true. Their downfall is if you are smart enough to ask them questions about what is going on they will usually tell on themselves, and then you are like how in the world did I fall for that one???!!! Just try to keep your cool, be consistent, and follow through. Good luck!!!

C.

You should not be punishing for that. That is a normal developmental stage. Every two year old goes through a period of saying no for everything. He in no way is trying to disrespect you. If you get the book What to expect the toddle years it will help you with all the developmental stages and ways to help. Our daughter is almost 3 and she just now has started saying yes. Even when she meant yes for something she used to say no. Or even you could google the developmental stage for tips. But please stop punishing him for saying no when he is just figuring out life and that he can somewhat control what happens around him. :)

I agree that this is normal phase. We just made it clear that saying "no" didn't work with us. If it was something that they needed to do, they had to do it. They learned pretty soon that it didn't work (however if it is something important, listen to them). My 2 1/2 year old still does it sometimes for goofy stuff but not often anymore. It's not the word that is the "bad thing," it is how they are saying and not following through with what you are asking them to do.

As far as staying in time out, I struggled with my oldest with that. The way I got her to stay without a struggle every time was to take away something important to her for the rest of that day. In her case, it was her favorite bear. She wouldn't stay, so I took it and put it on top of the fridge - where she could see it but couldn't touch it. She couldn't have it until bedtime or the next morning. I really only had to do this once. After that, she knew I was serious when I gave her the choice to either sit still or the bear was getting put up.

Good luck.

He's in a negative stage. It's apparently an important developmental stage, because every child I've taken care in 20 years has gone through it to varying degrees. Keep your sense of humor. Rephrase what you say so that, "NO," is the right answer. Don't punish him for it or he'll just get more oppositional. Ignoring does work if you leave the room where he is and prevent him from following. He will get more obnoxious at first, but if you don't react the power trip he gets when he gets you angry won't be there and he will stop trying to provoke you after a while. If he doesn't do what you are asking of him firmly but politely to do, then use time outs. Keep putting him there until he does his two minutes and apologizes. If he is not potty trained don't even think of starting until he is out of this phase.

a drop of tabasco sauce on the tongue did it for my kids-soap has way to many chemicals-put a drop on your finger-rub it around his mouth.....

This sounds very similar to a post I made the other day! My 2 year old yells "uhhh" at us in protest constantly. I got a lot of good suggestions from other moms about this - look for the thread talking about "terrible twos."