Opinions on Whats Right

Let go of the car and try to make things work with Carson's father. If the new bf is treating you bad, you should leave regardless.
M

Ok so you left one relationship because it wasn't working out, jumped right into another one that isn't working out, and now you want to go back to the origional relationship because he seems to be doing better. Have you asked yourself what you want? Do you want a guy around because it's easier with a baby or do you want that guy around because you love him? Jumping around relationships isn't healthy for yourself or your son. You need to figure out what you really want before making any more changes. If that means being on your own then that's what you need to do.

Honestly, what would be best for you right now would be to try and get a sense of who you are without having to be 'with a man'. Right now it might seem like your current boyfriend is the absolute pits so of course the old guy who wants you back is going to look like a hero.

You're going to have to pick between a stable life or a new car that comes with a crappy boyfriend. This does not seem like a difficult decision. Ditch the current boyfriend who is not good to you - do you want your son to grow up thinking that it is okay for him to treat women poorly? So don't let yourself be that kind of model for your son.

Become a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet before jumping back into yet another relationship. Your son will thank you for it (when he can talk!).

I'm going to bet that you grew up in a situation that didn't model good husbanding or fathering. If this is true, then you are most likely going to have a hard time finding a really good mate, because your expectations are low. You would probably find that Carson's dad would backslide if you take him back.

Keep this in mind – if Carson grows up seeing his mommy treated poorly by the men in her life, he'll have a very hard time not treating his future partners poorly.

I know that material security is important, but speaking as a woman who had to bail on an abusive husband and leave virtually all financial comfort behind for my own and my daughter's emotional well-being, this is better done earlier than later. I sincerely regret that I didn't make the move when my daughter was younger (she was 8) – she had some issues to work through because I took so long working through my own.

Car, or emotionally healthy child and emotionally safe mother? Choose carefully.

Relationships and trust takes time to build but once broken, hard to repair. You need to find out what YOU want in a relationship before you joggle back and forth. Because Carson's father has shaped up doesn't mean he is ready for a relationship with you. Ask yourself, Is Carson's father only showing interest now that you have another man? If the new b/friend is worse, get his name off the car, and end the relationship, but not just because you think it will be better with Carson's father. Do what's best for you and the baby. Find ways to support yourselves so that when the time is right and if Carson's father is really the one for you, you will be prepared if it doesn't work again!

If it really is a bad situation you're in right now, leave the car behind. Get a new one. Or tell Carson's dad that you really need help with a car if you are going to try to work it out with him again. A nice car or an 'it'll ruin my credit rating' excuse is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship. I agree with others that you're doing your son a dis-service to keep him there to witness his mother being treated so poorly.

hi mambler...
i know this is easier said than done and i know you're very young. but what you've got to do is first find someone u trust, a friend or family member and have your car be under their name. then you gotta take yourself n carson to live at a friend's or family's home until you get back on your feet and save money and get your own place.

i'm 39 yrs old and i've been thru hell n back and i can PROMISE you, your ex will not change. things will be great in the beginning, but as time goes on, his old habits will be back.

you need to love yourself and your baby, and take it from there. i know it won't be easy, but oneday soon you'll look back at this time in your life and say "wow, i'm in such a better place right now!!"
good luck to you! -M.

I may be repeating what someone else has said. I didn't read all of your posts, sorry. Sounds like you went from bad to worse and you're thinking about going back to the lesser of two evils. I know your son is only 17 months old, but you DO NOT want him to see you being treated poorly. You don't want him thinking that that's the way it's suppose to be which is what you're doing by staying. Do what you can to leave. I have never been in your situation so I can't claim to know how you feel. I am sure it won't be easy, but better to leave now then when Carson is 3 or 4 and already has a firm bond with the second boyfriend. Carson's father will always be a part of his life, but that doesn't mean he has to be a huge part of yours. Do you have family/friends in the area? Public transportation? Do what's best for your son. Good luck!

Don't stay with a guy because of a car. Seriously. The car will rust and stop working and then what? It's just a car. JUST a car. If Carson's daddy is truly doing much better, is not abusive, is responsible and will take care of you and your baby, it is best for you to be a family. Much less complicated. It is good for children to have both of their parents together. I would definitely give that a go if he is not abusive. Best wishes to you, sweetie. I know these things are difficult to sort out when you are in the middle of them.

Sounds like you are attracted to men who treat you badly - it's something you need to work on in yourself. I have found Alanon really really helpful in figuring out why I react to or am drawn to certain things which are not healthy.

Hey Mambler, you're 21? You're so young, and to have a baby, that's wonderful, but you've got to spend some time on your own. Get to know who you are as a person. It's the most important aspect in your life. You've got sooooo much time ahead of you until you meat someone who's right for you. Why don't you take the time, after you break up with this guy, and not get back together with the dad, and bond with your son. Having a man in your life isn't the answer to raising a child or fulfilling missing pieces in it. Take the time to play, go to the park, go to mom groups etc with Carson. Eventually you should get choosy as to who is right for you in your life. Best of luck.

Can you get along without a car?
Can you spend some time without either of them to clear your mind?
What has Carson's father done to demonstrate he has shaped up?
Are you afraid to leave current SO because you don't want to lose the car? or because he'll behave in inappropriate ways if you leave?

The first thing that comes to my mind, is that you should be by yourself. Your son's father may seem like the better way to go right now, but if you were to get back with him, how soon would that change and go back to how it was before, which is why you left him in the first place? Do you have family around that maybe you can lean on for some support? I really think you need to be by yourself and your son and then, if you feel like you still want to get back with his father, then give it a shot, but on your own terms. Jumping back and forth isn't healthy for you or Carson, regardless how old he is. Find some one that will treat you right and be a role model for your son and that will truley make you happy.
I wish you strength and luck.

I would move out on my own and take it slowly, you do not have to decide right now do you? If you are not in love with your current boyfriend then I would move on. It will not be good for your son to see you unhappy. Children know, when something isn't right. Objects mean nothing. I would not have my children meet any man at least for a 1-2 years when I believe its going to be something really good. This way if it does not work out, you child is not hurt by it.

get away from both you dont need them just get child support from his dad and dont go with boys who treat you bad. reevaluate what kind of boys you like and change it.

I may well be repeating what has been said, but you should definitely not be with your current boyfriend. Not only should you not be with someone who treats you badly, but the men in your life are teaching your son how to treat women. He may only be 17 months, but he is a little sponge even at this age. You must not be with men who are not the kind of men you would want your son to be.

Secondly, it is not impossible for someone to change, but real and lasting change is rare and requires a ton of serious work, and often interventions like counseling. If you go back to your ex, he will almost surely begin to treat you badly again.

When you come out of a bad relationship (or even a good one), it is wise to take some time -- years, even -- to reflect on the relationship, to work on yourself, to spend time with those who love and support you unconditionally, and to regain your independence. It sounds like you did not do that last time, and perhaps that is part of the reason you seem to have repeated some of the same mistakes, choosing another man who does not treat you well. I would strongly recommend -- ESPECIALLY with a child -- that you take some time off from dating. The standards of who can be around your child should be very high.

Good luck!