okay I was wanting to go stay at my moms for a week to 10 days here in a couple weeks for a couple reasons but mainly to spend time with my family as i haven't in over a year besides every 3 months for a day. I just brought it up with my bf again about how i want me and audrey to go down there and just spend time with them and he said he doesnt want us going down there because my moms house is not the cleanest (she does clean the house but we have a dog that is long haired and sheds like crazy) and the room we would be staying in is a mess and she smokes. but she already said she would have the room cleaned up completly for us so we have a place to stay so thats not a problem and i told him i would talk to her to see if she would smoke outside for the most part while we are there which i am sure she would because she wants us to come stay with her so she can spend time with audrey. He also says he doesnt want audrey away from him for that long and that far away (2hrs away but takes him about 1hr 30 mins) so if something happened he could get there pretty quick. BUT do you guys think its right for him to not want us going down there and him not wanting audrey away from him for that long? I dont think it is but i want other peoples opinions.
BTW she would be VERY safe and cared for 100%
She is going to be 2 in the 13th and i understand the smoke issue but i think for a week its not that big of a deal at all, and she plans on having the house cleaned from top to bottom as well, she has no health issues at all.
When she was born we actually lived with my mom for the first 7 months or so then moved in with him and his parents and have been here ever since. so its not that he has never been away from her before
EDIT: he is a great dad but i really think he does not trust me alone with our daughter for a week, i miss my family and my daughter does not really even know them at all
2: I know i dont need his permission but with me taking our daughter down there i want to have his okay without a fight as much as possible but i just know it will end up in a fight
ALSO my grandma said we could stay there (she lives right down the road) and they dont smoke or anything which i would be fine with staying there but i want to spend time with my mom
to busymom b: If it was to his moms house i would be fine with it because its HIS MOMS HOUSE AND SHE IS A GRANDMOTHER TO OUR DAUGHTER. and i know that he is her father that is why i wanted his approval but in the past 1.5 years we have lived with his parents he has NEVER let us go down there wtihout him. (we lived with my mom for the first 7 months of her life)
He sounds controlling! Abusers(not always physical) tend to want to keep their victims away from family.
It's only 2 hrs away I don't see why you can't go more often so that you don't feel the need to go away for so long. I'd go for a long weekend and would try to visit on a regular basis.
Ok, I went back and read your old post so I think he's afraid you won't come back. And maybe you shouldn't. 3 day visits with your mom in over a year is way too few, way too little support for you when you are still young yourself, and your mom was the one helping you when your daughter was first born. I understand your concerns about your daughter growing up with her father in her life but I dont see how you can be happy with this kind of control for the rest of your life or even the next several years. You need to go visit your mom, you need the support of your mom and family, please don't just keep denying your own needs to keep peace because it will wear down your self esteem and it will get harder and harder to stand up for yourself. Go to your mom's
Hi R.,
I appreciate the fact that you want to have your boyfriends' approval, consent, permission (?) before you go to your Mom's house, but, really, if you want to go, and are taking steps to ensure that everything is clean and fine for your daughter when you get there - then, sweetie, just go.
10 days, in the life of a two year old, is really not that long for your BF to be away from her. I don't know what your dynamic is with your BF, but I think it is okay for parents to take their children to visit family without each other having to be present. It is also okay for him to worry about his daughter - BUT, and this is the big one - you are not under his control. You are your own person, and a Mother, and you have to make the decisions that are in your, and your daughters, best interest.
From your post, it sounds like spending this time with your Mom is important to you. Please don't let him stand in the way of this and get in between you and your family. I hate to beat the drum - but you are not married - and while you want him to be happy, you cannot forgo your own happiness to appease him. The fact that he has never let you go visit without him raises a red flag about control for me. Doesn't mean its true, it is just my reaction to that fact about the dynamics of your relationship.
Take the trip
Have fun
Enjoy your visit
Good Luck and God Bless
ADDED: R. I just read your post from earlier in February - I changed my mind - go now to your Mother's house, get an attorney, and file for full custody of your daughter. Get everything all legal and through the courts, get that job at your Grandma's store, get your diploma, and go to college, get your driver's license if you have not already done so, take charge of your life so that you can provide for your daughter without being so dependent on your BF. You deserve better.
Peace, Love and Hugs.
Sounds like he has some trust issues!! I'd go and stay for as long as you want!! He'll get over it if not, time to cut him loose and move on with your life!! I lived with my daughter's dad for a total of 8 years-I was controlled like that too and my mom lived in the same town!!! Yes, cigarettes are bad, I smoked for too many years myself but these are excuses to him for you not to go.
I see my mom now 1 or 2 times a year but that's because we live 1000 miles apart. My husband wouldn't bat an eye if I said I'm jumping on a plane with the kids to fly home for a week. He'd tell me to call when I landed!
UPDATE:
I read back on some of your other posts and I'm going to agree with Lesley B-Go down to your mom's and don't look back! Stay at your G-ma's if you need to since there is no smoking there. Now I see why he doesn't want you to go, he IS afraid you won't come back and I don't blame him! You deserve better and will only get it if you take care of yourself and that baby first!
Good luck
Shaire
** You NEED to edit your post... and clearly explain, that your Boyfriend is MAJOR controlling and treats you very crappy. He has major issues.
Which can escalate. You didn't mention all of that here.
----------------------------
He cannot, forbid you from seeing your Mom/family.
He is ONLY a Boyfriend.
He is being, unreasonable.
I would, really make sure you have legal custody of your child. Do you?
Laws are different, per 'custody' for UNmarried couples.
So research that.
Sounds like, your Boyfriend, is really... controlling.
You have every right, to do and see your Mom/family.
Does he try and control you in other ways???
Or is this the only issue and he is usually 100% treating you well?
This is gonna sound horrible and I am sorry....but...
He is only your BF, not your husband.
Yes, he is the father but you are the mother and unless you have court papers stating he has certain visitation that you would be missing by going down there, he has NO leg to stand on by telling you that you can not go.
If you live with his parents he should understand the need for you and your daughter to spend time with your parent(s) as well.
It is great that you want this to not be a fight...but it sounds like he will make it one, which is so wrong on his part! It is a freaking visit to your mom's house, Audrey's other Grandma!
IMO, too bad he doesn't trust you with your child because she is yours and that is that!
~I think he (if he were a normal non controlling person) would understand your need and right to visit your own family...it really is too bad he doesn't understand this, if I were you I would put your foot down on this issue. You can not let him dictate to you when and for how long you and your daughter can visit your own family, that is just wrong!!
It's only a 2 hour drive for crying out loud! My mom lives 2 states away and me and my kids (sometimes with, but most times with out hubby) travel to see hear at least once a year for longer than 10 days and my hubby would never have a problem with it, sure he would and does miss us but he would be and always is OK.
Call your mom, make plans to stay at your grandmothers and then tell him when you are walking out the door. You are not married and he does not have the right to "say no". You are an adult, you are the mother of Audrey and you can go wherever you want with your daughter. Now, that being said, I think there is more going on. Be careful.
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It sounds like he is a very bonded and protective father. I am guessing that your daughter is still very young and this is the first time you will have been away with her for so long, and that is why he is not feeling comfortable with the situation. I would just continue talking with him about it and see what you can negotiate. Perhaps a 7 to 10 day visit is too long for him right now. Perhaps you should start with a 3 day visit and work your way up to a 7 to 10 day visit instead.
I can understand him not wanting her to go to your mom's house. We dont go to my mom's house due to the secondary smoke and cleanliness issues also. When I go down we stay with my Grandparents, not my mom.
how old is Audrey? I started going to visit my family (3 1/2 hours away) on occasional weekends without the hubby when my dd was a month or so old. How long are you planning on being gone?
If you're wanting to go for a weekend, even a long one, I think he's being unreasonable, a week would be pushing it for me.
go and visit your mom. she cared for the two of you when your baby was young surely she missed her granddaughter. explain to your boyfriend that you have the right to visit your mom..
Updated
go and visit your mom. she cared for the two of you when your baby was young surely she missed her granddaughter. explain to your boyfriend that you have the right to visit your mom..
You should go spend some time with your family. Yes, 7 to 10 days, is a long period. Maybe you could cut it down to 5 days.
It's your family, your child - never forget you get main access to her since you carried her for 9 months and birthed her - and also - he's a BOYFRIEND, not even a husband.
Go to your Mom's or Grandma's - whichever you feel better at - and tell him he can come too if it's such an issue for him.
It seems like he is being overprotective to me. Dog hair and possible second hand smoke are not worth keeping a child from seeing a grandparent, in my opinion. You will be there watching your daughter the whole time. I would go for a long weekend and see how it goes. (If the place is much cleaner, take pictures.)
The more love a child get the better off they are. Maybe your boyfriend can meet you down there for a few days and get to know your family. It is unfair that he does not want you or your daughter to visit your relatives. It sounds like your mom is willing to go the extra mile to welcome you. It does sound to me like he is being a bit controlling since your daughter was raised in the smoke filled - dog hair infested house for seven months. I think if your mom is two hours away you should spend more time down there. Family matters lots!!
10 days is no big deal. If you want to go visit your mother -go! Tell him he'll appreciate you both even more so when you return! MANY parents go far longer without seeing their children due to work travel and being in the military.
Guess I am not really sure why if your mom only lives 2 hours away you need to go and stay for 10 days. Just go for the day and do it more often. your boyfriend doesn't really need to give you permission to go but his reasons are valid. I know I wouldn't want my 2 year old in a smoke filled doghair covered house.
I wouldn't want my daughter around the smoke, either. In fact, I have kept my own children away from grandparents because of this. I'm not judging them, but I will protect my children's lungs as much as I can.
I'm all for you going -- but stay outside or at your grandma's. Your mom can come visit there.
I think it is unfair. I also think is selfish of your bf. He sees your daughter everyday your family hardly does.What does he think is going to happen you will be there. Tell your man to quit being a big jerk and you really don't need his permission but you don't want to just take off cause you would have to come home and Im sure it would be a big fight.
He has a right to say what he thinks. I don't think anyone should tell you that you can't see your own family. I don't care if your married, its not right. It almost seems controlling to me. I would think twice about having a future with him. You deserve a lot better. No excuses, get out of that relationship.
Stay with your grandmother. I think its not good for a young child to be around smoke.
Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he took your daughter for 10 days to a place that you were not comfortable with? Even if I was 100% comfortable with the place, I would be extremely upset if my hubby wanted to take our boys for 10 days w/o me!!
Can you compromise? Perhaps you can go for a long weekend - like 3-5 days?
I'm shocked at so many people saying he is ONLY a boyfriend. He is the father to your child, he has as much say in what she does as you do! Come on ladies!
For what its worth, in my opinion, any amount of smoke is too much. Any! But then I'm sensitive about it, my aunt was killed by cigarettes and died at 58. There is no amount of smoke that is 'safe'. And for a young baby, its even more risky. Every report shows that it leads to asthma, respritory problems and more. So PLEASE don't let anyone smoke around her.
Ok, moving on. Talk with your bf more about his concerns. Something is concerning him. You deserve the chance to visit your family but his concerns deserve attention too.
Good luck, I hope you are able to work it out :)
I wouldn't want to take my baby into a home where there was a smoker. Tobacco residue can stay on fabrics for a long time and for a kid to be walking around and touching that it really isn't good for them. Is there somewhere else you can stay during your visit and just spend time with your mom?
Let's keep this in perspective. Yes--your mom is a smoker and yes, residue hangs around for a long time...but this is a VISIT and your mom has agreed to smoke outside for the week you're there, right?
I think your BF is wrong for trying to control the amount of time you see your family. I understand he will miss her but on the weekend, if he is so inclined, he can come for an overnight or two.
How old is Audrey? Does she have health issues, breathing problems that being around the smoke would aggravate? Is it just your Mom that you are going to see?? Would it be possible for your Mom to come to you...so that your bf would feel more comfortable? Since it is only 2 hours away, maybe he would compromise and not be upset if you went down for 3 or 4 days. It really isn't that far...and there is no reason that you can't make the trip more often and not stay as long. Or possibly your bf could go with you for a long weekend. It sounds like maybe your bf and your Mom need to work on developing a good relationship.
I understand the reluctance to have your baby around smoking...and even if your Mom agrees to smoke outside while you are there, there will still be 2nd hand smoke there in the house that doesn't go away just because she takes it outside. Also 2nd hand smoke clinging to your Mother, her clothes, hair etc.
Try to work out a compromise that will make your bf comfortable but still allow your Mom to spend time with her grand daughter!!
I can understand wanting to avoid the fight, but he shouldn't be so selfish. It is his issue that he needs to come to terms with. In the end all you can do is all that you can do then he has to figure it out for himself.
My mom lives 1500 miles away, and so when we visit, my husband usually stays behind because he has to work. We stayed from 4 weeks to 10 weeks with her. I consider it a real blessing to be able to do that. And, it's a small window of time when you will be able to pick and go whenever you want. Those five years before school starts will sly by!
Fortunately for me, my husband grew up with a mom who was a school teacher and a grandma who lived very far away. So, in the summer he and his mom would go spend the summer with his grandmother. Maybe you can try and frame it for him that it is a blessing that you are able to get away so that your child can spend quality time with her other grandmother as well. And say how happy you are that she gets to know his parents so well because you live there, but you want your family to have the same opportunity to know their granddaughter.
I would stay with your grandparents. Smoke really does compromise ones immune system. I never realized how bad it was till I went away to college and then would come home on breaks and catch terrible colds because of the smoke affecting my respiratory system.
