My name is G. and I have a wonderful little boy who is 6 years old. He is in kindergarten and has lots of friends. I have had 3 miscarriages and was hospitalized at 22 weeks with him. He was born early at 30 weeks. He is thriving and healthy but I almost died having him. my husband and I decided to get fixed and count our blessings with him. I lost my job and we lost everything we owned due to all the medical bills. What I need advice on is how to deal with my son's requests for a brother. All of his friends and cousins have at least 3 children. He asked my husband and I if we didn't like children because we only had one. We reassured him that we love children and we are happy being the three muskateers. I'm afraid he is going to resent me and I don't know if it would be appropriate to tell him I almost died giving birth and financially it set us back. I do not want him to feel badly. He asks us to adopt but honestly at this point we are happy with just the 3 of us. We can do so much more and afford nice things for him. Please let me know any suggestions on how to approach this.
Thank you to all for the advice. There was so much great advice. My husband and I took a little bit of each. We explained to him that God wanted us to just have him so that we could help everyone else with all their children. my best friend needed someone to watch all four of her kids so they could go away for the weekend. So for 3 days we had them. My other neighbor had me watch her son for the afternoon and they played. My nephew is coming out for 2 weeks in the summer. We went out to a family dinner and he said this is very nice I like going on dates with you guys. He understands that we get to do a lot more than his friends and we play with his friends almost every day. The real help actually came from my dad who also was an only child. my dad called him and told him about how he grew up as an only child and he loved it they talked awhile and my son told me that I was a good mommy and he was glad God gave him to me. So I guess he doesn't resent me, and we also told him that if a child ever needed a home and a family we would take care of him.
Tell him that he should be happy, he doesn't have to share his toys! Plus, he doesn't have to deal with sibling rivalry. ;) He doesn't understand that a baby isn't a doll, but a human being. He'll get over it.
I think it's natural for people of all ages to want what they don't have. A lot of children that have sibling wish they didn't,etc. I think 6 is too young to go into detail about your medical condition but explaining to your son in general terms may help. I would imagine that this will pass (him asking for a sibling). You are making his life very rich and full. I totally agree that "more or bigger doesn't mean it's better." As far as him asking for you to adopt......there are no guarantees that he would be happy w/ a sibling once he got one & you can't send them back! I'm always very interested when people bring this subject up because I have a 19 month old & we've decided that she'll be an only. So, thank you for posting this question as I'm sure I'll encounter the same thing at some point. Best wishes.
Your son definitely does not need to know the details. At six, keep it simple. Just tell him you love him so much and your family is happy just as it, that you can't imagine bigger being any better. Emphasize the positive things of being an only - extra attention, etc. You also don't need to tell him that you don't want another baby. Just leave it open ended - if a baby comes, great, if not, great too! I don't know if you're religious or not, but if so, something like, "It's not up to me, it's up to God, and I guess he thought one baby was all that we needed to be happy, and I agree!"
Hello again!
I would recommend telling him that being pregnant made you very sick, but that you and your husband see your son as a little angel that you both were blessed with. Keep your explanation very simple at this point because he isn't able to process too much more than that at his age.
Have you ever considered adopting another baby?
My daughter is an only child, and I love children. She did ask for a brother or sister when she was younger. however, after becoming a preteen, she kept saying, how happy she was that she was an only child and did not have to aby sit her siblings like other's do. SO I guess my advise would be to tell your little boy the truth, he is old enough to know it and in time he might find it very convenient to be an only child LOL.
I grew up as an only child myself. I remember begging my parents for a sibling as well. When I would go to my friends homes they always seemed much more exciting. The noise and energy of a large family was fun to be around. But for the same reasons you mentioned, our family never grew any larger. At the time though, I never recall my parents telling me that they did actually want more kids... I guess they kept the miscarriages private. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference in my constant requests for another child had I known about their struggles to get pregnant but I can say that by around 10 or 11 it didn't matter anymore. Once I got a little older, I realized how lucky I was! My friends adorable baby brothers and sisters grew up as well and I saw how annoyed they always seemed to be with their family. My parents exposed me to so much, I was never left behind when my parents would travel or go out for a nice dinner because they only had me to focus on. Now as a mother of four I would never dream of taking all of my kids out to a nice dinner, it would be a total waste of money and energy at this point still. The thing is though, as an adult I made the choice for myself to create a large family. I am loving everything that comes along with having more than one child but really appreciate the childhood which I had now. Just tell your son that when he grows up he can do things differently if he wants to but this is the road you and your husband are on and he needs to respect that.
I think you should just tell him due to a medical condition you cannot have more children and how lucky you are to have had him before your medical condition got in the way(not that it was his fault or that it is life threatening). Say GOD wanted it to be the 3 of us and I feel SO blessed to have you. He chose the perfect little boy for us.
Make sure he gets to have friends and cousins over often, get him into sports where he can make friends with similar interests(they become the best of buds) and he will stop thinking about siblings.
As my daughter put it when she was 10. A question in her 5th grade class was posed-What is your biggest pet peeve and she put "My little brother." That says it all.
GOOD LUCK!
My husband and I were also blessed with one child, which was a miracle because my husband had cancer and was told he was not able to have kids, well guess what??? Anyways we were estatic and was ready to have another when my husband relapsed with his cancer. Well of course now he really can not have kids. Anyways our son who is now 10 started to ask for a baby brother or sister when he was about 8. We have not told him we cannot have more and I feel it is not necessary to explain it to him right now. Maybe when he is older. We just laugh and make silly jokes about how he is enough. You will have to determine how to tell your son. There is not need to explain your medical situation. Maybe when he is older in his teens. It is too much for him to understand. Just say mommie and daddie cannot have any more kids. If you want you can explain adoption and how it costs money and maybe one day.
Good luck
I had a one child. I remember when he was around ten, I said, "Nicholas, you belong to the family of man."
seriously tho, be honest and validate his feelings. Yes, it would be wonderful, wouldn't it. but...."
As a mom of one child, and then later single mom, i bent over backwards to explain everything and felt sorry for every bump in the world my child had to go through. His biggest complaint was "I didn't cook for large crowds," and his best friend who was from a multigenerational family that did everything together said, "Nick, you were only one person."
It's a good example of how to respond gracefully to things in life that we can't have. I was told I couldn't get pregnant and I did. What I notice with my granddaugher who is an only, and with her mother, that her mother is a busy woman, an introvert, and fortunately my granddaughter has children on her street to relate to. I say nothing, because it's not my place, but my house spilled over with people of all ages and sizes when my son was young, and I am very outgoing, and I think that helped him as he met many diversified people. I tell you, we can have guilt over whether we gave them tie shoes or velcro strips. Perhaps if he sees the larger picture of children in the world. I am sure you are wonderful and doing your best, but I think there is a wisdom to all things. I would have died if I had more children as I had a dysfunctional aortic valve, which I knew nothing about until I was in my 50s. My son is 38 now, and is happily married. He has one daughter by previous relationship and they are close. It's not perfect but they're close.
His wife is wonderful but can't have children.
Good luck, sorry to run on so.
G.,
You might considering fostering children. I recently had the opportunity to foster a 15 yr old teenage girl. I really count my blessing. She is actually a friend of my daughter (13 yr old.). It's sure a good feeling to be able to help a child in need and also to be able to have a sister for my daughter. My son (8 yr old) doesn't think it's such a great idea but can't win them all.
It is natural for children to want to have playmates built into their families. They see friends or relatives who have siblings and wish they had that in their lives. When a new baby comes, they might find themselve resenting the new child and later wishing they could sell their brother to someone else, but they don't think about that yet. You don't need to tell your son that you almost died or that you lost a lot of money when he was born. That could hurt his feelings and lay guilt on him for something that wasn't his fault. Simply tell him that mommy and daddy can't have any more children and you are happy with your family the way it is. If he really wants to adopt another child, you could talk about it as a family and see if it is right for you. If your son is old enough to be a part of that discussion and understand that you have the final say, listen to his point of view so he feels that he is being heard. In the end, if you don't want to adopt and are happy with your family, just tell him that you don't think that is right for your family. You may find that the idea of adding a beautiful new child who needs a home isn't all that scary. Either way, it has to be a choice between you and your husband. Your son will probably grow out of the desire to have another sibling and be happy with things the way they are.
I see that you are happy as three...but perhaps the excitement you show for the kids in Haiti could transfer to a local lonely little child who really needs a real mommy and daddy...waiting for you somewhere in a foster home?
Talk about that at your next family meeting :)
My children have all had great urges that brought me some really wonderful adventures in life.A family is not just a man and a woman and their ideas of life, it is also the little people...listen to him...he may be on to something you could not possibly live with out in retrospect
One really wanted to be able to go fishing on his own, so we moved closer to the shore, another wanted to try to live on a boat, so we had an amazing year in florida doing just that, another wanted a pet potbelly pig... what a story :) and then somebody wanted to get into the entertainment industry...here we are in LA :)
