One Preteen Being Much Quicker at Getting Things Done, Keeping Chores Fair

Tell him "life's not fair." That one of the phrases I have most often told my kids, right behind "wash your hands." :)

It doesn't have to be even between your kids. Their talents were not doled out evenly, and he was blessed with more ability in some things.

An amazing preschool teacher my kids once had said that the one thing she felt she had done wrong in raising her kids was trying to make everything fair and even for them. As adults they were now having difficulties because of that expectation. Life's not like that, and they shouldn't be raised with that expectation. Don't feel bad at all about making him do more. It won't hurt him in the slightest.

My question would be WHY is it taking the 12 year old so long? What is he/she doing at school that would leave that much work behind? I taught middle school. So I know what the curriculum is like. I had students who would get through faster and those who would spend more time daydreaming or talking or whatever. Those kids would have a few hours of work after school. The ones who focused almost never had homework, which was how I designed my class. YOu might set up a meeting with his/her teacher.

Thats a hard one. I would talk to the teacher and see if anything can be done about the homework. If you child is really having a hard time getting all the work done she may need help. If she is not getting it done becuse she is being lazy or knows that if she sits in her room "doing homework" she does not have to do chores that is one thing. You need to find out what the problem is.

As far as it being fair maybe you assign your son chores that have to be done everyday like taking out the trash and the dishes and you assign your duaghter chores that take longer to do but not every day. Like laundry or yard work. That might make it more fair. Your younger one well have to spend more time on the weekend getting things done but well not have much to do doing the week when she has homework.

Good luck
A.

You could try making a list each week of stuff they need to get done during the week when they have time to do them, that way they have a set number of jobs (like vacuum each week, dust, clean the bathroom, clean the shelves of the fridge, wash the windows, clean out the car, etc.) Then you could have a list of daily chores that they can alternate: dishes, wash the counters, empty the trash, tidy the places where all the stuff gets stacked). If you have a list of everything that needs doing, maybe you can offer rewards if you son does extra without demanding that he do more. I am with those suggesting figuring out why the younger is taking so much longer.

Hi P.,

We have the same issue at our house. The younger one takes forever to get homework done, always has. He will day dream, go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, anything to stall on the homework, thus not getting his chores done. Since they're teenage boys and like to eat, I say no dessert until chores and homework are done. Sadly, that is enough motivation. Pride of a job well done, sense of accomplishing is not important - just food! And, there are some weekends that the younger one has to stay home to catch up while the older one gets to go off and do things. Good luck to you. It's aggravating when you have two opposites.

Dear P.,
This is a tough one.
I have been a single mom for years. By choice. It's hard when you have to be away for work and then you come home and there is still so much to do. Your kids are definitely old enough to help with things.
It was like pulling teeth to get my daughter to do anything. Give her a chore and all the sudden she had somthing else that HAD to be done right then! My son is the complete opposite. He not only helps me, but if we go stay with friends or relatives.....he helps them too. He offers to take out the garbage or feed the animals or sweep the porch off.
She's 22 and he just turned 13.
Some kids are helpers and some kids will find any way out of it that they possibly can.
I know you are busy and have your hands full, but one kid should not be taking on the other kids chores because they can't or won't do them.
Be sure you carefully examine the homework your children have as soon as you get home. (Kick your shoes off, get a soda, inspect the homework before you inspect the house. If one kid's is done, check it over. If the other kid's isn't, say you need to look at it and determine how much time it should take. Talk about if it's something that should be taking so long to finish. If there is a lot of research involved or something. Maybe she's being lazy. Maybe she is struggling. Maybe you need to sit her down at the kitchen table as you are cooking dinner so she can have it done in time to help load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen when you are through eating.
This can be worked out, I'm sure. But it really isn't fair to the other kid to have to do what she won't. If she doesn't do her stuff, then, she has to do BOTH kids' chores the next day. And the next day, if she wants to be stubborn. When she has no clean clothes or no clean dishes or a clean towel to take a shower with, she will get the hint. That's what worked with my daughter. In the meantime....constantly praise the kid who helps you all the time. They deserve to hear that and know they are appreciated. Plus, my daughter noticed all the praise her brother was getting. One day she said, "He's your favorite. You love him more than me!" I said, "No, I love you both the same. Perhaps he loves me more than you love me because he never comes up with a reason to get out of sweeping the kitchen floor when it's YOUR turn to do it and you have something else important to do....every single time!"
I know that probably sounds mean, but Gosh darn it.
I don't care how cute she was or how much I loved her, her brother and I were not her slaves.

Best of wishes.
Know exactly what's going on with the homework. Make sure she doesn't have so much because she's not able to finish in class. Check on those things first.
Then, go from there.

I have an almost 1 year old son, but when I had my ex's 3 teenagers living with us, we had some of the same problems. Two of them could dive in, get everything done quickly and go on with their day, but the one would take forever and complain the whole time and spend more energy trying to get out of doing whatever he was supposed to be doing then actually doing the chore.

It really isn't fair that your son does his schoolwork and chores and then gets stuck doing your daughter's chores too, so yeah, I can see where he is coming from. How long does it take every day for the kids to do their chores? If it is only like 1/2 an hour or so, maybe she should just do her chores first and then start her homework since she is up late doing homework anyway. Either that, or maybe you can start a reward program for her where if she gets her chores done and her homework done by a certain time she gets a sticker and after so many stickers she gets some kind of prize? You might try it and see if it works, maybe she just isn't motivated or maybe she is really struggling with the homework and needs tutoring. I know I had trouble in school especially in math and kept failing that class, I would spend hours trying to do the homework and it never clicked with me until I got tutoring everyday for an hour after school.

Hi, one way might be to start all over again and look at what jobs can be fit in where. For example, instead of the dishes being washed and dried by your son, maybe he can wash, but after they air dry your daughter can put them away. Another way might be to break the house or bedrooms into zones so the jobs only take 15 minutes say 1x in the am and 1x afterscool. Each is responsible for his/her own jobs and if they don't finish then it has to be done on the weekend. For ex. Monday pick up floor, Tuesday vacuum, Wednesday clean off dresser, Thursday dust etc. One website that helped me was Flylady.net. The website seems VERY overwhelming at first, but just follow the beginner steps, and adjust it to your family. Good luck and I commend you for thinking through your parenting, especially as you are a busy single mom.

I have two small children, but here is what came to mind (this may happen for me one day). Since they are so close in age, and you are a single mother (that alone is a job in itself). How about letting some of the things go on the weekdays that can be left for the weekend? Dishes obviously need to be done on a daily basis, I would try switching every other night for the kids to do those, while on the off day, the other can sweep the floor and clean the counters. Laundry can all be done on a weekend day, or maybe one loads, one puts in dryer and you fold, and vice versa..maybe take away some of the stress during the week and have there be a mandatory Saturday or Sunday morning cleaning session for 2 hours?

I know teenagers like to sleep.....but they need to help too.

Good morning,

Aaah...siblings. I would, like someone below suggested, see why your daughter is taking so long to do her homework. Maybe she is taking her time on purpose because she knows you will ask her brother to do her chores. Kids are very smart. Just tell your daughter that is fine if she didn't have time to do her chores that she can do them on the weekend. Once she sees that her brother is having fun on the weekend and she has to do her chores then she might pick up the pace on homework to do her chores then. Honeslty I know everyone has their own method of getting things done, but I don't feel that kids should get paid to do chores or get good grades. They will begin to expect to get paid for everything when in reality they "need" to do these things for their own benefit. Plus your son should not have to do her chores because she cannot, or does not, finish her homework on time. He finishes because he choses to and should not be punished for it by taking on his sister's responsibilities. Hopefully some of this has been helpful. Good luck!

Aren't you glad BOTH of yours aren't that way?? :-)

Yes, the older needs to pitch in and help, but also yes, you need to make sure it's fair, or he's "compensated" even if it's just with praise, extra hugs, a treat, whatever makes him feel appreciated. Being aware of it is a big first step, now you need to start watching yourself mentally if you are indeed being fair. Dont let the younger one start to take advantage of the situation. Either do chores first, or have a long block of weekend chores, while your other is free to play because he's been doing his part all week.

My 6yo son can take 4 hours one day to do his 1st grade homework. The next day, he'll be done in 15 mins! (amount of homework is fairly consistent each day.) It's not because it's too hard, it's only because he SAYS it's too hard. And it seems he has the personality of 'getting out of whatever I can' :-/ (any tips on how to train him out of that, please?? He's a procrastinator/perfectionist - BAD combination! I know!)

I'm with those asking why the 12 year old is spending that much time on homework? If she is struggling there is a problem that needs to be addressed. There should be a time limit on the homework and the chores. Give her chores to do that you can observe or work with her on. Give her 2 hours for the homework and be sure she is really working on it. Have her do it where you can see her. When the time is up the homework is done. If she is working hard and not getting finished, arrangements need to be made with the school to cut back the work. If she is lazy then giving her time limits may help her in several ways. She will know that she has to get finished. She may be relieved that homework and chores won't last forever. She sounds like she needs some help getting organized. Maybe her brother could be enlisted to help if he gets something out of it. Extra free time for whatever he likes to do would be good.
L.

What I do is give them each a chore and on payday they get a certain amount of allowance (only like $5-sometimes$10) if they did extra. If they didn't do it in that period or did it p/t, then their pay would be less. It seemed to work for me and I also keep on them about picking up after themselves so it doesn't get to the point where I'm overwhelmed. I am also a single mom w/ four kids and work, so I know where your coming from. You have to be very organized to keep up a clean house (and then it doesn't always stay that way). A lot of the time I will let them choose there job (as long as it's enough to keep part of the house clean) and they seem to be more likely to keep it up, of course I have to stay on them about it. I try and do my own chores, too, because I don't expect them to have to do all the work. I keep a laundry basket in the bathroom and one (or two) in each of the bedrooms, this way it's never to far to throw your dirty clothes in the laundry. I periodically change their "job" so it doesn't get too monotonus (sp?) anyhow, good luck on this.....

PS..... they will be looking forward to payday, too (and will soon learn when it is and have something to look forward to on "payday")

I think that pitching in and helping, even when you feel like you've done your share, is what being in a family is all about. No matter how many chores your son has, his life is easier than yours (single working mom with sole custody, hello!), and is probably easier than his sister's too, since it would seem she struggles with schoolwork. Your son has a quick mind. That, coupled with a strong work ethic and the understanding that life isn't fair, will take him far in the world.

The first thing that came to my mind is why is it taking your daughter that many hours to do homework? If she is truly making an effort and is just really struggling, maybe you should contact the school about tutoring. Or, you can check with your local community college - they usually have a list of students taking courses to work with children who get credit for tutoring. They are usually free because the tutor is doing it for school credit, not money. If the deal is that she's just not putting forth the effort and that's why it's taking so long, then I would make her do her chores AFTER she finished her homework, no matter what time it is.

compensate her in some way, Do they get an allowance? Give the older one a little more money. Make sure you praise her when you get home. Thank you so much for helping out I really appreciate I couldn't get everything done without you.