One Is Enough?

Hi K.,

Wow, I can really sympathize with your position. I too had clinical depression (I noticed it post partum but later I realized, through therapy, that I had had it for some time). I took medication for a long time, did counseling, and now have been really stable since I changed my nutrition - that has helped a lot. We also do not have a lot of family close by, and I was 37 when I had my son, so I understand the age thing. He was also a difficult baby and it was sometimes hard to love him at first.

My husband and I made a decision that we would be a one-child family. The first thing I did was stop using terms like "only child" or "just one". We are a one child family, or we have a single child. The language is subtle but really key. Do not speak of this as if you are depriving anyone (yourself, your son) of other children. There is no one perfect size for a family. I have friends who have no children, and they consider themselves "child-free" rather than "childless". It is not up to others to decide what it right for you.

You are already exposed to plenty of societal pressure to give your son the gift of a sibling. You will hear plenty of things about how children need a buddy, someone to play with, someone to learn to share with.

Here's the other side of it: Our son developed great social skills because he spent time with adults, and also because he made friends everywhere he went. He had buddies in the neighborhood, and he developed great relationships with their parents. When we went on vacation, he went up to other kids on the beach or at the park or in a museum, and he made conversation. He always had a crowd around him on the beach as he developed elaborate systems of trenches and sand castles, caught little crabs or fish, or looked for a frisbee partner. He is incredibly creative, and his early love of building innovative structures out of Legos and K'nex has led him to pursue a career in engineering. He joined soccer leagues and ran track in high school. We did NOT overcompensate by signing him up for a zillion activities - he had down time and he played with other kids. He learned to share thru play dates and preschool.

We had the opportunity and the finances to go to museums, movies (still something we enjoy, and he's 20!), vacations, etc. We also took nature hikes and did "free stuff". We invited friends for Thanksgiving, others who did not have family around them either. We created a family, a community.

He has plenty of people to hold on to, lots of memories, and the confidence to make his way in the world. He developed into a real leader. He has heard stories of family members who are far away or who died before he was born, and he tells those stories to others as if he actually experienced them. You can enrich his life in that way, sharing cultural experiences and language (if your family speaks something other than English - not sure where you are from) and traditions and food from your family in Europe.

You can do this! It takes an adjustment in your mindset, and some confidence. See the benefits of any path that you choose, and make no apologies!

Good luck - feel free to write me back if you need to.

I am a one and done also. I am 36 so time is an issue but I feel that I can devote more time and resources to one child than I will be able to provide to more. My siblings were not that great and neither is my husband's. We were unsure to have kids or not but I read an article on BBC.com that reported that only children did not permanently come out more snobby, needy, or spoiled in the long run. Do not guilt yourself and enjoy the one you have to the fullest--fill your house with his friends. You will be able to afford taking friends along versus barely having time to spend time with more properly. I have friends who are amazing moms to 4+ kids and they say their heart's capacity to love gets larger with each one but emotionally and financially it is not for me. If it is not for you either--be at peace. Enjoy your small family and have a great holiday season. Nat

No one knows what is right for your family except you. My daughter is an only child, and it has been a blessing for her. We have extra bonding time, we have extra resources to do the things that she wants to do, and we are perfectly capable of scheduling play dates when she wants to be social. But, it also gives her an opportunity to learn how to be independent and play and read, etc. by herself. My aunt has an only child who is now almost 20, and she is a happy, successful, very well-adjusted young adult who has a great relationship with her mom, is very social, but also knows how to handle herself when she is alone.

I would recommend finding some sort of group that you can belong to, whether it be a church "family" or a network of moms close by, or simply the people in your neighborhood - more for you than for your son.

Good luck and do what's right for your family.

Hi K.,

I can really appreciate your situation. I guess, in addition to the previous post recommending that you help strengthen his bonds to existing family who live far away, I would also strongly recommend making connections where you live.

If you give your son a neighborhood, a church community, a steady playgroup, or some other kind of strong network where you are, he can grow up with some of the advantages and disadvantages of siblings, if not all of them! I was raised in a neighborhood where everyone kept an eye out for each other and now the connections are much looser, but people do still keep an eye out. I was raised in a church group where we were stuck together, like it or not, all the time, and we grumbled about it growing up, but those friends are still among my best. I think of them like family. Is my bond the same with them as with my brother? No, it's not. But it's strong. We will "drop everything" if something goes wrong and cook meals for each other or clean each other's houses, etc. Will they have to share responsibility for decisions involving my aging parents? No, but they can listen and help me work through those decisions, able to look at 50 or 60 years of history as they do so.

I'm not sure where you live, but I'll just put out a plug in case it works for you: Cohousing communities can provide a real sense of "family" for those whose families are small or live far afield. If there is any cohousing near you, you can often join it as an affiliate member. Or just wander over and introduce yourselves and get to know folks. If you want to know if there's cohousing near you, check out www.cohousing.org

Good luck and best wishes!

So long as you two aren't snipping anything permanently, I'm not sure it's REALLY an issue at the moment, unless the space between siblings is important to you.

My husband and I are pregnant now with our second son. Many people feel we're being irresponsible because we struggle for money so much of the time. We have a start up business at home and he works seasonally as a union laborer(construction). Both of us have siblings and felt strongly enough about NOT having an only child that DESPITE all the things working against us, we decided to go for it.

We hope that in the future we WON'T be so strapped for cash and didn't want our family structure to be decided by the all mighty dollar.

Before having our first son, we'd talked about having 3 kids. Now with our second on the way, I admit to feeling that maybe 2 is enough? Our family feels more complete. Everyone has someone. Mommy and Daddy have each other...and now our son with have his brother...and we all have each other. Whether or not we'll have a third well, we'll have to see. And THAT will probably be more dependant on those issues we're ignoring right now. We'll have to be in our own home by then. I need a back yard, laundry in the house...a car that is more reliable...etc...

That's just me and my two cents. We felt strongly enough about NOT having an only child that we're willing to throw responsiblity in the trash. If you feel strongly enough about maintaining your life as you know it now...then DON'T do what we did. But like I said in the beginning...don't do anything permanent you might regret later. You both are still young! (i'll be 35 in december!) You have time. Next year, you could feel entirely different!!!

Hi, K. - I am 34 expecting my second child after an incredibly (INCREDIBLY) hard 2 years. I had a very tough recovery and our little sweetheart got pummeled by the after-effects of early childhood vaccination. However, I soon got pregnant again. I do not wish to get pregnant a third time (I think my body will not survive it), but I am extremely grateful for this second pregnancy. Ours is a life that sounds similar to yours, but for me giving my little one a sibling was the greatest gift. I lost my dad in '98, and my mother is slowly shutting down due to depression. The only strength I have in this world is my older sister. I think a sibling is the most important thing a person can have - the only one that they can truly rely on, and the only one that they can share their biological history and upbringing with.
In the end, you have to do what you think is best. But this is how we chose to handle the sibling issue.

Hi K.,

You need to do what's best for your family. I had always planned on have two or three children but things changed and for many reasons we decided to only have one. I, too, worry about our son being alone in the future but am hoping his relationships with his cousins will carry on, but most don't live nearby and there's no guarantee that the ones who do live close by will stay. My son is not in the position where he can just up and move to somewhere else. So I can relate to your concerns.

My suggestion to you is to help your son build relationships with his faraway relatives by email, video, phone calls, etc. Send pictures of him to them and keep pictures of them around so they are "real" to each other. Another thought is to build close friendships here. Make a new "family." Sometimes these relationships can last a lifetime. The thing you want to watch out for is passing on your fears of isolation to your son. As long as you're okay with your decision, he will be too. But a quick heads up, be prepared for him to tell you he wants a brother. My son did that off and on until I pointed out that he would have to share his toys and us. He quickly decided that having a brother wasn't that big a deal. :^)

Good luck.

C.

Hi K.,
I really understand what you are going through. I have a 3 year old little girl and have 2 siblings myself. My husband is an only child as is his mother. I had always wanted 2 to 3 kids. I feel it is extremely important to have a sibling someone to be there and grow up with. My husband didnt shares those views. I am 38 and he just turned 40. After many many discussions, he agreed to try for a 2nd. But even once he said yes, it was like pulling teeth to "do it" when it was the right time. We ended up getting pregnant, and unfortuately it ended in a miscarrage at 12 weeks. After that, we did get pregnant again with a miscarrage at 6 weeks. He was so upset over it, that really showed him that deep down inside, he was looking forward to having another. I am now 18 weeks pregnant and we are so excited. But the person who is most excited is my daugther. All she keeps saying is how much she loves the baby in mommy's stomach, loves her baby sister (which we dont know yet, but that is what she wants). My husband and I know we both made the right choice, my daughter will have someone now that is part of her to lean on, turn to and grow up with. Good luck with your decision.
C.

I am an only child and would never to that to my daughter. My father past away when I was 8 and my mom has many medical problems. I have to deal with everything on my own and have no one to truly help make decisions (my husband tries to help, but will really only say so much).

That being said, you need to do what is right for your family.

Good luck.

Hi K.,

My husband and I have also opted to be a "one and done" couple, in fact, from the beginning of our serious relationship I let him know that I was only going to have one child! My father is an only along with many other people that I have admired thru the years. My son is now 5 and has NEVER asked for a baby brother or sister and feels sorry for his friends that have them!! All that I can say for advice is make sure his life is full of extended "family"! My family lives scattered throughout the US so I enrolled Jr. in a nurturing preschool. My husband and I have a small circle of friends that are now "auntie's and uncle's". I have also found an online mother's group that I love through meetup.com that is helpful for my peace of mind! You could also volunteer for an animal shelter with your son and meet caring people to surround your son with there. Having a son is a big deal for me as a mom, making sure that he is not only surrounded by nurturing people, but also with men that he can look up to. I enrolled him in martial arts when he was four - despite my concern about the hitting etc. it is more about self respect, self control and also provides my son with another man in his life that is a good influence.

It's hard being the mom of one because everyone asks when there's going to be another - when I'm asked that question I just say "Jr. was our miracle baby" and no more questions are asked!

M.

K.,

just wanted to share a bit of my family history: My parents have 3 kids, one is not close to them at all, another one (me) moved overseas (just like you) and the third one is holding down the fort and lives close to them. There is no guarantee that two or more kids will be close emotionally or in location, so don't worry about it.
My husband felt completely done with 1 child too, and it took me almost 5 years to convince him differently. Our kids are over 5 years apart, and it works out fine. I am not saying that this is the way to go, but that you always can change your mind if necessary.
If you keep having doubts, you could revisit the issue in a year or so. Give yourself some space not to think about it.

H.

Hi K.,

I think you have made the right decision. The ability to cope should be one of the main criteria and you know best if you can or not. No point having one more kid if you can't provide the quality of care you would like to. My sister was having a tough time coping with her one kid since she was not a stay-at-home type, had no family living near by and had other problems as well. But she wanted kids who would be two years apart and just on the strength of that old dream she went ahead and had the second one. Complete chaos and misery. She loves the second one as much but she just can't cope and their family life is completely falling apart now.

We always have an idealized picture of what we would like our life to be like but there is no shame in letting practical considerations shape our final decision. It is in the best interests of the child and you avoid a lot of pain and heartache.

All the best!

My husband and I had always said that we were going to have 2 kids (and no more) - but after our daughter was born, we felt like our family was complete. I have one sibling, my husband has 4 half-siblings who are much older than he is, so for all practical purposes he was an only child. I was 40 and my husband 48 when our daughter was born, so we were in a time crunch to decide whether to have another one, and we talked to a lot of people about their experiences as only children. The feedback we got was positive - nobody said they wished they had siblings. Our situation is a lttle different from yours in that we have a lot of family around, including some cousins that are our daughter's age, so she'll have playmates. Bottom line, you have to do what feels right for you. And you really have time, in a few years you may feel differently and may be in a different financial position. Good luck.

Look at it from the other side: you could have 2 kids who do not get along. I have 2 girls who get along 90% of the time so we are lucky, but they both have friends who have younger siblings that annoy them. I work with parents whose 2 little boys are always bashing each others heads in with toys they are fighting over. I cried the night before my 2nd was born wondering how on earth I was going to be able to give my beloved first born enough time and attention - and she got a lot less attention and time and cuddles the next year no matter how hard we tried to be "equal" - a baby just demands your attention. You should pat yourself on the back for recognizing all the factors that go into a happy childhood and not simply hoping "everything will work out".

I have several friends that were only children. While young and into their adult years, they formed very strong friendshiops, encouraged by their parents.My only- child friends are delightful, thoughtful, well--adjusted adults. They have very strong ties, though not familial ones that I trust will least til the end of their lives.
Far far better to have as many children as you can handle than to give your child a sibling he/she may grow up to dislike intensely.

R.

Your son has the both of you! Try to get involved in some groups- we have one daughter who is 20 months and she is all we are having also. All of your points are great for deciding not to have another-good for you for recognizing them! I am so sick of people telling me I HAVE to have another child- NO, I don't- I was also an only child and had a great childhood-your son will too! Look around at libraries that offer free classes, join a Mommy and Me class- things like that will help.

Hi K.,
My husband and I have decided to have just one after about 5 years of trying for another. Our son is now 8. It can be hard to accept in the beginning (I don't have a many friends with just 1) but really, it's right choice for some people. Sometimes the choice is out of your hands. You want to provide the best you can for your son and you will do that. There is no written law that says parents need to have more than one child.
Be strong, be together in your decision and never feel bad that you are doing your absolute best for your family.
Hope this helps,
E. K.

K.,
My husband (age 45) and I (age 35) have 2 beautiful kiddos, ages 7m and 2 years. First pregnancy was a breeze, second was more challenging. No matter how many children, there is always enough love to go around. Having said that, each child beyond the first is more time, work, energy (somedays easier than others) and money.
Knowing how things went with your last pregnancy, if you all decide to get pregnant again, you can work closely with your Ob/Gyn before you get pregnant regarding managing potential complications like post-partum depression.
Bottom line, only you and your husband can decide what is right for you and your family. No matter what you decide don't beat yourself up with guilt. Things have a way of working out the way the are meant to.

It is our nature to want to have children. Don't get me wrong, not every woman has that but for the most part, it's who we are. So wanting another isn't out of charecter. Honestly, I wanted a big family, had our 2nd who was a daughter and never desired another. Yet my DH at that point had changed his mind and now wanted the big family. Almost 4 years later and we're having #3. It took me a while to even get use to the fact I was pregnant and warm up to it. In the begining I even told family it was DH's baby. Something changed in me and now I'm in love with the fact we're having a girl and will try again for a boy after this. My big family dreams are back.
Life seems to take us all different places. Have you talked to your DH about your concerns of having another? I think you should if you haven't. He may be feeling the same...he may not as well. But he's there to love you.
About postpartum, Did you breast feed? I think that can help because your bonding right there but that's only my experience. I have 2, first child didn't experience it one bit...that I know of, it's been 12 years. My daughter, I had it the opposite as yours. I couldn't let her out of my sight let alone out of my arms. A few times family came over to let me take a shower...that was the worse for me. Let them hold my baby! Even my DH had to pry her away from me to be able to hold her himself. I posted a note on the door for people not to come in because it was flu & cold season. I didn't leave the house for about 3 months, other than DR's visits and maybe once or twice to my mothers house.
My point, you may never experience the same again, you may experience it in a completely different way...you wont know until it's upon you. Talk to your DR and see what they say, they may have some interesting imput.
I'm not sure how encouraging or comforting this was, but I couldn't say nothing. Your not alone...
Is there a Moms group in your area you could join? My mother met her best friend because they had thier firsts at the same time in the hospital together...then their seconds and the thirds were a few months apart. We've moved away but they are still great friends of each of ours! (Mothers & children...who are all now parents)

I am an only child and while I wanted siblings to help me make medical Decisions about my mom. I heard horror stories from friends when siblings disagreed. Siblings aren't a majic bullet that will make your child's life better - the skills to make friends are!

Hi K.,

I think you are making a responsible choice in having one child. I would be sure he has plenty of time to play with other children and has plenty of time with you and your husband. I am of the opinion that the world is overpopulated with humans. I would suggest adoption/foster parenting as possible options. There are lots of children out there who need a home and loving family. It seems though that you are quite busy and financially strapped currently, so those may not be possible options currently.

As for your post-partum depression, I am of the belief that it is caused by nutritional deficiencies. Be sure to get plenty of B vitamins, vitamin D from fish oils, omega - 3 fatty acids from fish oils or wild game or grass-fed beef, etc., and minerals - especially magnesium and calcium. Also get plenty of exercise - go for family walks in the sun for 30 minutes.

Good luck,
: ) Maureen