OMG!!! My Four Year Old Is Drivinf Me Nuts!!!

Well! I read everyone's responses. I can honestly say I feel your frustration as my son turned 4 this past June. The 1 difference between me and the rest of you mom's is that my son is the BABY of the family, not the other way around. I also have a daughter who is 10. My daughter didn't go thru a lot of the "frustrating 4's", maybe it was because she was an only child at the time. But a couple month's after she turned 5, her father and I split and I found out I was pregnant with my son. That is when she changed! My kids are exactly 6 years (& 3 wks) apart. My daughter did resent him as he took a lot of attention from me. He was a great baby but had a lot of health problems from the age of 1 1/2 - 3yrs old (when he finally had his tonsils and adenoids removed and tubes placed in both ears). He also has seasonal allergies and asthma.

Things are not perfect between my daughter and me, but they are better. One-on-one time is the key because they need to feel that they are still special and that you love them just as much as the new baby.

Now if someone can tell me what to do with my super-active, highly energetic, too charming, too cute-to-be-a-boy 4-yr old that would be great! I read what the other lady said about the food dye's and I might look into that. I know my son doesn't have ADHD, (I looked into it...) but he does seem so fearless sometimes! He thinks he can do anything and more. He swears he is my daughter's age (that he can do anything she can do!) He will climb up 13 stairs outside the rail and thinks if he jumps he will be fine! He doesn't listen well (and we know its not his hearing anymore as that was repaired with the surgery). My son does get a nap at school (he's in pre-K at the same private school my daughter goes too). My son was an awesome kid and I would say changed when he was about 3 1/2. This has been an extremely frustrating year for me as well, especially being a single mom! My son has tantrums, attitude, pouts, thinks I should buy him everything he sees that he likes, he argues, he doesn't sleep through the night either (he will wake up in the middle of the night and climb into bed with me).

All I can say is consistency, consistency, consistency! I constantly tell him I love him, but that his behavior is NOT acceptable and I will not tolerate it! I have left the store in the middle of a tantrum! You have to be stern so that he knows you are not a pushover! I turn off the tv, won't let him ride his bike or play outside, there have to be consequences for bad behavior and HUGE praise when he is good! I ask my son everyday how was his behavior at school and he is doing better! He has his rough days once in a while and I am trying to monitor what he eats for breakfast in the morning to see if that is a trigger.

Hang in there! I am glad to know that I am NOT the only one going thru this either! Do monitor sugar intake and look into the food dye's!

We had this with our 4 year old daughter when we brought our son home and tried the same things. We found (after much exhaustive trial) that we got the best results when we responded calmly and firmly to her behavior and, as the others have said, made sure to find some time for her to feel that she had our attention. Its hard at night, she still wakes up and can get jealous if I'm feeding the baby, so I've had to adjust some things. She's still ruder then she used to be and more frustrated with bigger tantrums (we never had those before either), but I've read that a lot of this is just 4-year old independence. We've just started being much clearer on our expectations and reiterate then before we go anywhere and if she misbehaves there are clear and consistent consequences while we stay calm (which can be really hard when they are hitting you). And we tell her we love her, but don't like her behavior right now, constantly emphasizing that we still love her.

Hi there, I read your post and wanted to throw an idea out there. Your son may feel a bit replaced and abandonded with the addition of his sister. On top of that he's going through normal 4 yo changes, gaining independence, getting smarter and just getting so much more active. My suggestion would be to try to carve some special time out for him each day and give hime some positive quality time. Maybe incorporate him in taking care of the baby so he has some input into his new sister's life (you may be doing this but it wasn't mentioned so I'm throwing it out there). It sounds like his behaviour is only getting negative responses, and I have a feeling he'll respond well to an increase in positive attention. Hope it helps.

I heard someone call it the "fightful fours" and it's worse than the terrible two's-sooo true! I swear my daughter turned 4 and difficult all on the same day. She's almost 5 and getting much better with the tantrums that she never had when she was younger. She also had a little brother-which only added to it. I started having "girls night out" and sleepovers with mom once a week. It seems to really help, we pick one night a week that just her and I go out for ice cream, McDonald's, shopping, park, anything and then she gets to sleep in bed with me that night. She looks so forward to it, that I can threaten to cancel our plans if she acts up! She feels so special and is so sweat, I look forward to the calm, happy time with her just as much. Give it a try with your son, we make a big deal about picking the night and activity that we are going to do, it sounds crazy, but we "re-connect" when it's just us, and no punishments. I can then remind her the rest of the week how good she is on our night's out! Good luck!

OMG!!!Im kinda going thr;ough the same thing, but son is 4 and daughter is almost 3....son is always why, and i dont want to and tantrums tantrums omg like i feel like im the only mom out htere that is having this problem, well thamk you for sharing that Im not the only one....Im not sure what to tell you, my son will not sleep all noght in his own bed always ends up in our bed know matter what we do...goes to be by himself but ends up in our bed....my husband only get 5 hours of sleep everynight and drived 80 miles one way to work...so its frustrating.....as for the tantrums I try to deter him as i see it coming on sometimes it works and sometime s it doesnt....sometimes i just send him to his room and i have to be very stern and tell him to stay there, and say "you stay in your room until moomy somes and talkes to you" and most of the time that works, it gives him time to settle down.....if not,,,sometimes he comes out of his room and i have to say that your gonna be in trouble if you stay in your room until i come and talk to you....and that usually works....but some days I end up in the bathroom crying because he breaks me down....I have never meet a 4year old with such determination and hard headedness it really tuff...sorry for my rambiling...hope this helps a little...( oh my son doesnt nap either.so that doesnt help...)he is in preschool 3days a week which helps)

D.

My daughter is 6 now and has certainly had her share of behavior ups and downs... here is something that really worked for me at that age:
Make a stoplight- nothing fancy, just a black rectangle and 3 colored circles- out of paper. You can attach the "lights" with velcro (the $$ store usually has some round bits, or try wal-mart.. it's really cheap)

Then make a cup or jar with little slips of paper that say different "treats" (not necessarily food or money-related,) such as: pretend "camp out" with Mommy (build a fire pit with blocks and roll out a sleeping bag and sing songs, etc.
Or, a trip to the library or another indoor play-area, make a special craft together, etc. If he gets all green lights (or certain amount) each week (doesn't have to turn the color to yellow/red any,) then he gets to pick a slip of paper from the cup.

Another thing that really helped me was researching allergies. I realized that as my daughter got older, she was eating more and more junk food from places like grandparents, preschool, etc. Turns out she is VERY sensitive to food dyes and they make her feel bad, which in turn makes her VERY moody and aggressive. Red #40 is a big no-no in our house now, and Yellow #5 seems to make her a little sensitive as well.

Ooops- edited to say also, that she did not sleep through the night until she was 5 yrs old and I figured out the food dyes thing- it is sooooo worth it to try that avenue! You'd be surprised at the things that have food dye once you start looking at the labels closely!

Let us know how things turn out.
-Amanda

I agree with Heather. Have some one-on-one time every day. Then really set the limits with the time-outs or quiet times. Just make him get back into his chair or bed. Spanking will make it worse. He seems to be having a very hard time adjusting to your baby. The hardest part for me is to be consistent with the limit setting.
A.

It sounds like your 4 year old just misses having his Mommy and Daddy to himself. You should still firmly discipline him as mentioned below, but also make a conscious effort for you and/or both you and your husband to spend special time alone with him each day to bond and reassure him. Maybe after the baby goes to bed at night let him stay up a little later to spend time with you. Some positive reinforcement goes a long way too, i.e.: "When the baby gets big, she is going to be so smart and so good just like you, and she is so lucky to have such a great big brother."

Someone once told me that the best thing to do as a parent is to try and view the world from your child's eyes. Right now, your little guy is used to having two loving parents all to himself. Imagine if the two people you loved most suddenly had their attention drastically shifted elsewhere. Please don't feel bad about this but rather realize his whole world has been turned upside down. It will take some time and lots of TLC, but your little angel will be back. Good luck and try to stay positive.

Dear A.,

I feel your pain! I agree with checking out the book 1,2,3, Magic from the library. Another book is How to Make Your Children Mind without Losing Yours. I agree that spanking doesn't work. My son was doing all of this not to long ago and we don't have a baby in the house. One of the best tips I could ever get was this...

When your child is throwing a fit, get down to his level. Tell him that he is allowed to throw a fit, but in his room. When he is done he may come out. The first couple of times we did this he would keep coming out of his room. After about 3 days he realized that as long as he was screaming, crying or being bad, he was in his room.

Now all I have to do is tell him when he first starts to go to his room. When he is done and calmed down. I talk to him. If your parents are letting him get what ever he wants that doesn't help. Kids need and want boundries. They don't want to be in charge even if they act like they do. I had to talk to my parents and my grandma about letting him get away with ever thing. When he was in one of his moods I dropped him off and said I would be back in a couple of hours and told them to have fun. After that they have rules and boundries for him. I had to get tuff for my son's sake.

As for quiet time. Have you tried letting him watch a movie. I give my son some books, legos and his leap pad. I tell him that he has to be quiet until I come and get him. Sometimes I let him lay on the couch.

Have you thought about putting him in preschool. My son loves it and he is only 3 1/2. He's learning and comes home a little wore out on his two days a week.

Good Luck
B.

I think you need to pick one discipline idea and stick with it sternly. Each and every time your son misbehaves in any way, you need to give him an unpleasant consequence (take a toy away, time out, etc.) Stop trying new things and stick to one. You will go through a lot of him crying until he gets used to the idea that NO AMOUNT OF BAD BEHAVIOR IS OK. Stick to your guns and he will not want to pay the price anymore.

I also ditto the one on one time with your son, even if it's only a half hour block of time. Have your husband do the same. I think you will be pleasently surprised. Good Luck, H..

I agree with the person who suggested more one on one time with your son, without baby. My older son was 6 when I had my younger one and he didn't act out so much but was moody and jealous and I started taking him to a movie or out to eat just the two of us and it helped.

Also, check out a book called "1,2,3 Magic" It is a pretty simple program but the key is consistency and follow through. The book is a quick read and gives you ideas on how to handle different situations.I saw quick improvement with my son when he started the four year old brat stage. It's also very important that both parents are on the same page as far as any discipline. My husband and I both read the book. They might have a video also.

Please try to remember to make it clear to your son that you disapprove of his behavior but that you love him. He is not a "bad boy" but rather a boy who is behaving badly. This is really important when there is a new baby, as you don't want him to resent the baby.

Hang in there! We've all been there and you will get through it.

I swear you have my son. I am going through the exact same things as you, you described my 4 yr old to a T. I am going to have to say that 4 is way worse than 2. At one point of the craziness I took ALL his toys from him, not one left for him to play with and locked them up in a closet for a week and told him when he starts behaving like a big boy again he can have some back so one by one I would bring out a toy and that seemed to work. You have to take away privledges that he really likes, ie. T.V. a certain toy and do time outs in a chair.
The sleep thing if you figure out how to have him sleep through the night let me in on the secret because my 18 month old is finally sleeping through the night and now my 4 yr old is getting up. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I really want a night were it is undisturbed.
My sister of 3 boys says it's just the "4" stage and this too will pass, but good gracious WHEN????????? Good luck and if you ever need to vent I am here, us moms have to stick together for the love of our kids.
Hang in there it should pass

Hi A.,

I think you need to spend some one on one time with him. Have someone watch your baby while you do special things with him. I have been going through the same thing with my daughter who is 3 1/2 she will be 4 in January and my youngest is 1 1/2. I understand it's hard when you are tired and run down with a new baby. Maybe at quiet time or nap time lay down with him and read a book. I tell her while the baby takes a nap it's mommy and Samantha time and we do things together. I let her pick. It seems to help.

Good luck!

Hi A.,

I stopped using time outs when my daughter was 3. It doesn't work when they start giving themselves time outs. What works for me is I talk to her at eye level and make sure we make eye contact. Then I give her options and one is taking away a priviledge (something that is reasonable) and I follow through. If she acting like a wild child I do a three count and on three she will loose a priviledge, she know this and she will usually listen at that point. When she wants to play and her timing is inappropriate I let her that there's a time to play and a time when we don't then I explain why. Good Luck!!