Recently my husband had a heart attack and I couldn't believe how badly his children acted during the entire situation. They are older (35+ years old and older) and this is his second marriage. They tried to control the entire situation and didn't respect his advanced directive (his children said that their father was DNR which was not the case). They tried to overrule my instructions and didn't follow the hospital rules. While my husband was hospitalized, the children were there constantly but not very helpful. Now that he has been released from the hospital, his children have faded back into their own lives without much more than an occasional telephone call. This has all been very fustrating for me and also my husband.
Once my husband recovered, he asked how things went with the children. At first I sugar coated the situation but he heard things from others that lead him to ask pointed questions about the behaviors of his adult children. He confronted each of his children who all said that they didn't do anything wrong and that his requests were wrong and he should adjust his directives to be more what they expected! My husband was shocked and very hurt by their responses. He found out that one of his children and his brother had even gone so far as to try to get a court ordered guardian appointed to overrule his advanced directive and change him to DNR status.
This situation was stressful to begin with (unexpected heart attack) but compounded by the inappropriate behavior of his children. My husband wrote letters to all his children telling those who helped thank you and those who disreagrded his directive that he was disappointed. He has since changed his advanced directive to eliminate any information going to his children or his brothers/sisters (some relations are in the medical field which caused problems with them all second-guessing the physicians). He has also made sure that ALL his caregivers have copies of the new attorney-prepared advanced directive and that they ALL know his wishes should another medical situation arise.
Problem: His children are furious that they can't be involved and don't see that it was their own actions that caused the problem in the first place by not respecting the advanced directives put in place prior to the heart attack. Several are not speaking to their father even going as far as to block his e-mail and eliminating him on their Facebook pages. My husband is very sad and is hurting which doesn't help his continued recovery.
Do we just wait this out? I don't think he did anything wrong by telling his children that their behaviour was inappropriate and that they need to respect his wishes and directives. They may not like that he is married but we have been together 10+ years and they haven't said anything before this situation happened. I know it is natural to want to take care of a parent, but this? Your responses would be appreciated.
UPDATE: My Husband did explain to his children what his wishes were well before he had his heart attack. (Their mother [previously divorced from my husband] passed away without defining her wishes so he felt that he should define what he wanted and tell them all so that they knew.) They don't like what he wants. They specifically knew he was NOT DNR but felt that it would be easier if "we all let him go peacefully". He wasn't ready to "go" yet and fortunately recovered. Specifically he wants to decide for himself what treatments he has or doesn't have, he doesn't want his medical situation posted on Facebook, he doesn't want anyone to tell unrelated people the gorey details of his hospitalization and to understand that he wants every attempt to live (food, water, medication, therapy). On Father's Day, his children were discussing what they got in the will if he died in front of him which was one of the points that set my husband off. It is a difficult situation but I think his wishes should be respected and that they shouldn't get a court ordered guardian for a reasonably healthy 69 year old man because they are ready to let him go.
Unfortunately half of the children are not speaking to their father and the other half seem to have no problems with his decisions. After the Father's Day situation, one child has petitioned to have a guardian appointed because he doesn't feel that his father is making the right choices medically. Now we have attorneys and others involved. The court ordered expert consultations which seem to indicate that the the child has gone overboard without justification. The examiner told us that he felt that my husband was clearly in control of his facilties and would put that in his report. More court is in the future but we think (and more importantly our attorney's believe) that my husband's wishes will ultimately prevail - even without the blessings of some of his children. All we can do now is go forward in a sad situation. We can only hope that some of the children come around. Thank you for all your help and encouragement.
Wow, if this group is that easily set off they are probably litigious too. I'd make sure that your husband not just make clear his directives but also do a pre-need for his memorial services and make his will airtight. 69 is nowhere near old these days! His children have no respect and he has every right to determine these things for himself.
Right from the sart when you wrote his kids wanted him as a DNR I knew they wanted his money. How horrible and sad for your husband to see that these are his children. Secondly for you , you must help your husband to let this go and try to recooperate. His cardiologist should have warned you that heart attack patients are very suseptible to depression. The near death experience can send many people to a deep depression. If you must be an advocate for your husbands well being you need to tell the kids that they are doing their father harm and until their dad is fully recovered they are not welcome in the home or to contact the father. That you will contact them when your husband is healthy enough to deal with them. I am so sorry he and you have to deal with these selfish people, but it is paramount to his recovery that you keep him stress free and in good spirits. I know from what I speak.
How horrible, and how sad... And how GRACEFULLY the 2 of you have handled this.
I stand corrected. They suck! Move to Hawaii and blow thier inheritance! Sorry I spoke out of turn.
S.,
This really seems to be about your relationship with the children. Some of them seem to resent you. I'm so sorry.
I would say don't make things worse by keeping the pot stirred up. Let things settle. Your husband has the legal directives in place. I'm sure he loves his children, and of course you. A lot of people care about him too, although obviously in some misguided ways, but he has maintained control. Just do your best to get along.
