Older Sister Very Jealous of Twin Sisters

Updated on December 08, 2010
B.C. asks from Minneapolis, MN
6 answers

I have three daughters. The oldest is almost 7 and the identical twin girls are 4. They are all very close but the oldest is unbelievably jealous of the bond her twin sisters share. She often says that she wishes there was just one of them or that the three of them were all different ages. She knows on an intellectual level that they can't help being twins but she feels permanently excluded because they are so darn tight with each other. As a result, she tries to be very controlling when the three play together and her jealousy turns to anger. She can be very mean to them because she's jealous which makes them retreat from her and become that much more in their own "twinny world" (as she calls it). We work very hard to insist that everyone be included and that they treat each other and us with respect but our oldest sees the twins each living with their best friend and it is hard to cope.

I realize that sibling jealousy and fighting is normal but I really think that the dynamic between them is unhealthy. So, to those out there with this family setup or those who grew up with twins or who are twins, any words of advice? I really believe that the fact that they are all girls and that the twins are identical just ratchets up the emotionally intensity of the situation. I would love to hear from others who have experience in this area.

Thanks so much for your insights!

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I probably should have written more info than I did as most of what has been suggested we already do. My oldest plays the cello, takes skating lessons, and is in Girl Scouts - all activities that are separate from and special "big girl" time. She has her own friends and we arrange playdates as possible although that can be difficult with everyone's busy schedules. We talk openly about feelings and have given her many options of appropriate ways to deal with her anger. We try to model healthy ways of dealing with our own feelings by leaving if we are angry or taking deep breaths, etc and labeling how we are feeling. We aren't saints but we do try. I don't know that a 6/7 year old has the maturity to be able to appreciate the specialness of being an individual... she just wants to be included in that twin bond. We do remind her regularly what an amazing role she has a big sister and sometimes she feels that way.
The twins are beginning to show different interests so we will continue to foster those through activities and we do try to split them up once in a while and send one to do something with big sister but logistically that doesn't happen too often. Our oldest gets plenty of one on one attention, in fact it's more the lack of one on one the twins get that concerns me for their development.

If you are out there, I'd still love to hear from people whose family mirrors mine with an older and twins or from those of you who are siblings to twins or who are twins. I suspect that once the twins hit first grade and everyone matures more and develops individually this situation will improve - I hope anyway!

Thanks again for your ideas! I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

More Answers

M.L.

answers from Houston on

Do you dress the twins alike? If so, maybe dress your oldest in matching clothes sometimes as well, or don't match the twins up as much.

Do you treat the twins like they are a pair? I know a mom that does this almost treats them like they are one person and I can see how it drives her other children crazy.

I think it's common for siblings of twins to feel jealous and hurt because they can never be 'as close' to the twins because they are such a pair.

I would encourage the girls to all play together apart from each other. Take one twin and the older sister out for breakfast, another day, to this as well and switch which twin you take. Introduce new hobbies they all may like. Help her foster relationships with both girls, but sometimes you may have to separate them a bit to do that otherwise she may eel like she is always trying to be part of the clique.

This advice is gearing more towards dealing with infant twins and sibling rivalry, but I think some of it may still be of help:

http://www.twinslist.org/sibling.htm

http://www.suite101.com/content/sibling-rivalry-among-twi...

Also, explain to your daughter they they are 4 years old, they are on a different level than she is anyways. Help provide ways for her to cope with her anger and help her realize that they won't want to be friends with her if she continues to be mean.

Expert advice for that here:
helping the angry child
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061700.asp

sibling rivalry:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T064200.asp

2 moms found this helpful

A.W.

answers from Kalamazoo on

Tell your 7 yr old that you'll be her "twin". You could get matching hats or shirts or something. A couple of words or insider pharase that only you two understand. She'll probably love it at first, then it will turn annoying and she'll appreciate being an individual! :)

2 moms found this helpful

A.J.

answers from Dallas on

I can tell you from every dynamic I've seen that 7 and 4 year olds generally have rivalry issues so even if it was just two girls, you'd be writing about the same symptoms just jealousy with one instead of twins.

The issues your 7 year old is facing are completely normal, even if you feel how she is coping with it is not. For coping strategies in any stressful situation you need 4 things:
Perspective - Buy her some general "girl emotions" books. The American Girl book on Feelings, the care and keeping of you is a good one and very age appropriate.
Self Esteem - Get her to believe in herself, don't just tell her is is awesome - then she becomes codependent on you to provide her self worth. Make sure she has things she can do alone that she feels she is good at (karate, soccer, dance, writing poetry, etc). Remind her and get her to remind herself that she is special just the way she is, without a twin and as the amazing big sister of twins.
Support - Coordinate with mothers of her schoolmates so that she has a couple playdates during the week or on weekends where she can play with girls her own age, one at a time probably. That way she has an opportunity to develop that "exclusive bond" she is craving.
Strategy - Sit down and explain that her feelings are normal but some of the ways she acts on those feelings are not appropriate, just because you haven't taught her the "tricks" to "fix". Come up with a short list of 3 or 4 alternative things she can say or do differently than the most common mistakes she is making now. For example - She is controlling, then angry, then her sisters ignore her and go play alone. Teach her that when she "feels" like she wants to be bossy, she should give her sisters 2 options for things they can do that she would also be ok with. Giving 4 yr olds 2 options is very age appropriate for them so they won't feel "bossed" and your daughter still gets to "guide" play and test out her leadership skills without alienating herself by being too demanding.

1 mom found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

I suggest that you remind your oldest that she relish in the fact that she is not a twin. She is an individual, the big sister who will get to do everything first (which the twins are sure to be envious of), no one to always be tagging along, and can really shine.

Help her to channel her feelings so the anger does not build up.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.G.

answers from Rapid City on

This is an easy fix. Set aside some time where you or dad take one of the twins with them and have a project to have the older girl do with the other twin at home, giving them time to bond. Switch the twins so each has special times with just big sis.

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N.R.

answers from Des Moines on

You need to help your daughter develop and find friends, hobbies, sports activities, etc., with children her own age so that she doesn't have to depend so much time with her 4 yr. old twin "competitions". There are so many things that a 7 yr. old can be involved in such as music lessons, soccer, programs at the library, etc. Be sure that YOU spent as much individual, alone time with your 7 yr. old as possible. She came first into the world and will always be your "Firstborn". Let her know that being a firstborn is a very special status. Have her do things around the house (because she is so much more "mature") to help you - things that the twins aren't capable of. Take her to eat somewhere alone, etc.

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