How Can I Help My Children Bond with Each Other?

Okay...maybe this is a little hokey...and it's a little thing...but when my kids (who are now 11 and 13) were very young....each night at bedtime, when I prayed with them....I would end the prayer with "and thank you for my best friend __________ (brother or sister's name)". It was a little way of ingraining in their minds how important their sibling was to them.

When they got a little older, if they got mad at each other, I would sit them down and make them say nice things about each other....one for each year of age. I.E....the 8 year old would have to find 8 nice things about his sister and she would have to find 5 nice things to say about her brother. Usually, they ended up laughing. Sometimes, I would make them put it in writing. I still have a few of the lists...bad handwriting and spelling mistakes and they are treasures.

My mom set my brother and I up to fight with each other and I swore it would never happen to my kids. And ya know...my kids (who are 2 years and 10 months apart) have each other's backs now. They support each other and love each other. They are not allowed to make fun of each other or pick on each other and they just accept that that's the way it is. I believe they have truly learned to love each other. They see how some of the neighbors treat their siblings and they comment on how wrong it is. Fights are rare in our house. I think there are a lot of little things you can do to foster good relationships as time goes on. Yours are a bit young now because it would be all one-sided, but it's never too early to think about it.

It's not unusual for a 4 year-old to be disinterested in an infant, but with time that will probably change. My kids are now 19, 17, 16 and 14 and are all extremely close. A few things that have helped along the way are maintaining tight control over how we speak to one another in the house. Derogatory language toward each other is never tolerated. They are not allowed to cut each other down and the use of words like "hate", "stupid", "dumb" and "weird" are forbidden. We have also been pretty strict about what they watch on TV and what movies they see, especially when they were younger. If a show or film depicted family members being rude and disrespectful toward each other (and there were many), they were simply not allowed to watch it. When they were old enough (early elementary school), the penalty for speaking harshly or rudely to one another was to clean one of the toilets in our home - this worked phenomenally well and really drove the message home. Also, like Pam M., I ingrained in my kids that they were each others best friends. I didn't force it on them, but in teachable moments (there are also many of these) reminded them that most of their friends will be for a season, but their siblings will be their closest friends for a lifetime. Set them up for sucess - encourage them to attend each other's events and cheer, make homemade birthday cards, do team chores where they have to work together. When my son (the oldest) started to drive, I gave him money to take each of his sisters (the younger three) out one at a time on a lunch date for 1:1 time. When one of my daughters was in a play, I bought roses for the other kids to give her. They loved giving them to her and she loved receiving them and knowing that her siblings had come to watch her. When my son's birthday fell on the day he had a football game, his sisters made posters and held them in the stands and cheered for him (I gave them the idea - they loved it and ran with it). I still remember him looking up from the sidelines and smiling. Things like that go a long way toward building closeness. My kids are all teenagers now and far from perfect. The hormones and moodiness in our house is overwhelming at times. Even so, they are extremely close. They may get testy with each other occasionally but for the most part they get along really well and love doing things together.

My kids are 2 years and 10 days apart. I bought my toddler a huge play kitchen and said it was a present from the new baby. Also, I am nursing the baby and so when I nurse the baby, my toddler gets a basket of "milk toys" that she only gets to play with when I am nursing the baby. No jealousy there because she gets special toys (or to watch a 10 min chapter of her Elmo DVD). Also, we go to family preschool every Friday. It's for siblings and families ages 0-4 years old. I know that the "music together" program has this as well. I also bought my toddler a baby doll, stroller, pack 'n play and hugh chair so whatever I am doing with the baby, she does with her baby. (Graco sells this play set and Maclaren has a play stroller. -we have a Maclaren stroller for the baby). Also Ergo Baby has a play Ergo for toddlers to wear. (I put the baby brother in the real Ergo.) I also let my toddler help me change her brother's diaper. I always remind her of what special things we did when she was a baby. I show her photos of places we went and things we did when she was her baby brother's age too. My toddler loves her baby brother, smothers him with kisses all the time (almost too much). And just today, the two of them were "talking" to each other, smiling and talking back and forth to one another for the first time. The also like to hold hands. It's so cute!

The best way is to let it happen naturally and not to push too much. They will eventually bond as they "team up" against you and Dad... lol.

Seriously though, it's just little things here and there. Not any one big lifestyle change you can make. When it is birthday time, buy a gift for your elder son "from" his little brother. Have little brother be the one to hand it to him when it is time to open the gifts. Also, help elder brother choose a gift for younger brother when it is his 1st birthday in July. Help him wrap it. I have always talked to our kids about "what do you think __ would like for their birthday?" and let them help choose something.
The other little things are all a matter of your words. Be very careful, particularly in light of your difficult beginning with colic, what words you use when you are talking about things involving the baby. Don't ever "blame" the baby for things: i.e., "we can't go to the pool today because the baby ___". "We have to leave now b/c the baby __." It really just isn't necessary to say why you can't do a fun activity sometimes. And if it means that you "blame" the baby to do so, then just don't explain. Choose your words wisely. Don't say anything to create negativity towards the baby. I was very very sick throughout both my pregnancies. When I couldn't sit in the floor and build lego's with my 2 yr old during the 2nd pregnancy, I didn't say "because of the baby".. or that the older one couldn't sit on my stomach when I was lying on the sofa (which he loved to do) "because of the baby inside" or anything like that. It was always because I felt ill. Or I was tired. Or I was ___. It was ME, not ever the baby.

Realize, too, that your baby isn't very interactive yet. Before you know it, your older son will be dragging him around the house doing things WITH him because it is fun and he'll have an admirer that LOVES doing things with him. Talk him up to his little brother... "ooh... just wait until you are old enough for __ to show you how to __." "one day you'll be big like __ and you'll be able to ___." "Did you see how __ just ____? He's awesome, isn't he?" I have pictures of my kids when my 4.5 yr old took his 1.5 yr old sister and dressed them both up as super heroes. He LOVED to dress up as characters, including Samurai Jack (Daddy's white T shirts and the vacuum attachment for a sword, lol) and he would OFTEN come up with a similar costume or sidekick costume for his little sister. One time they were BAtman and Robin (complete with baby blankets in appropriate colors for capes). The younger will look up to the older, and the older will learn to enjoy the attention.

Hang in there.

I also wanted to make sure my two daughters had a good bond because I was not close to my older brothers at all and was always so jealous of families that had close sibling relationships. Someone recommended the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" and it was worth the read. Gives tons of advice on how to avoid jealousy and resentment among siblings, perfectly logical feelings when you think about how they have to share and compete for the love of their favorite people in the world, you and your husband. Good luck!

I had the same problem with my kids when I had my 2nd. Most little girls love babies and playing with dolls, but everytime we would try to get my daughter to hold or play with the baby she would just push him off her lap. Happily they are 4 and 7 now and are pretty much inseperable. The younger one doesn't want to do anything without his sister being with him. She still has no problem doing things on her own, and they do argue a lot, but for the most part they get along great and those years of indifference are over.

After reading the comments of other moms I think the main problem is worry and feeling of needing perfection with love. Jealousey is a real and very human emotion. Too much is signaling a possible problem to notice while too little is probably refusing to experience openly and therefore even more of a problem down the road. Younger children do need protection when older children are experiencing strong enough anger and jealousey to feel the solution is anger toward the younger. Talking about what is ok and not is necessary and love with rules and praise. All important behaviors and feelings take years of parental support. That's why they aren't born adults.

Don't push it.. Remember that they are individual people and not all people bond with each other. They will develop a bond of their own. Right now, at 1 and 4, there is not a lot that they will have in common.

Again, don't push it. I still remember my mother pushing me to bond with my sister who was 2 years younger. I was not allowed to do anything unless my sister was involved. We still, to this day, have resentments and we're 58 and 60.

I don't know how much I can add to the good advice already, but I'd like to try.

First, congratulations on surviving a colicky baby. My first was colicky. I seriously questioned whether or not we would have another! But we did and I'm glad!

Mine are only 2.5 years apart and I too have questioned how I could get them to bond or what I could do with them together since I felt like I was always doing something with one or the other, but not both. As they've gotten a little older (they're 2 and 4.5 now), it's gotten easier to find things to do together and I find they play together A LOT more now.

As far as what to do, I'd think that previous advice about doing whatever the 4 year old enjoys that you can drag the 1 year old along for would work fine for now. Music/dancing was fun for both my kids at an early age and taking walks in the neighborhood worked great. My older child loved walking and exploring things and my younger happily sat in the stroller and took in all the new sights.

Also maybe if the older boy can help "teach" something to the younger, that sometimes works. Since he's not into baby stuff, maybe he can teach him big boy stuff (even if it's just your older boy doing something and your little guy "watching"). It depends on his personality, though. You would know best about that one.

Overall, I think just give it time and it will come more naturally as they're closer in ability.

B.

I know what you are going thru. My boys were about the same number of years apart. My oldest wanted to be an "only child". As for the colic, get some Coca-cola syrup from a fountain or pharmacy. It really works quick. It also works for throwing up from flu or samonella poisoning.

Just keep an eye on them. I caught my oldest picking up the baby in the swing and throwing it with all his might. He had an angry look on his face and I think he thought he might just get rid of the competition. Thank God, the swing protected him when the swing went flying and he hit the floor (in the swing). It is good to spend extra time with the older one and involve him in the care of the baby - with your supervision. When you are caring for the baby, talk to the older one and remind him of how he was also helpless when he was a little baby. Let him know that he was special, too, and that it is important to take care of the little helpless baby. Also, tell him that you are so glad he is so big and that you really appreciate it that he can now be helpful to you. Let him know that it's nice to have such a big boy to play with. When my boys were little, I found a book, "So, you have a baby Brother" and read it to him. It was helpful.

The best way to have them bond is to not push it. They're both still so young, and as they grow and the younger one is able to communicate more, they'll bond. :)
Don't fret over it, I know it's worrisome but its completely normal for a 4 year old to feel disconnected to a one year old.
Hang in there, momma!

My kids are also 3 years apart and for the first year or so my older one didn't want to have much to do with the baby. But now that she is almost two and very interactive, he is so attentive to her, shares his toys with her, incorporates her into his make believe and other games. It is so cute! Just give it time.

i wouldn't expect a lot of bonding at this stage - three years is a HUGE age difference at this point, and 1 year olds are not great at participating in much. maybe focus on doing things your 4 year old will enjoy - a train ride, a trip to the zoo or park, a petting zoo, chuck e cheese. the little one will enjoy being around different sights and sounds, no matter where you go. but just give them time. feeling jealous of the new baby is very common and could go on for awhile.

I would put the baby in a high chair and do crafts at the kitchen table with your son. You could give them both choc pudding to finger paint with and older bro gets a toy truck to drive in the mud.

you can read stories to both of them i would think. if you have to give the baby one to chew on while you read to brother.

ask bro to help bring you diapers, etc and praise him to high heaven when he helps.