Older Kids

I don't have a solution but a suggestion. I just found this website from a link from another website which I can't remember what it was. Anyways it's called: thetotaltransformation.com I can't find the article on this website but an article about how to deal with unmotivated kids was on the website I can't remember, and it came from thetotaltransformation.com website. You may be able to seach for the topic how to deal with back talking kids.
good luck
C.
A little bout me:
I homeschool my 4 children(11-b,9-b,7-b,5-g) Married for 14 years to a wonderful husband.

M.,
I have a son that just turned 13, and have noticed that the "backtalk" has increased a bit over the last 2 or 3 months or so. If it is a genuine point he is trying to make with me I can respect that, but sometimes it is nothing more than trying to get the last word in. That is just not acceptable to me.

Fist of all with the homework. That comes first here, if he has homework he gets a pass on his other chores until its done. I routinely check his grades online, and we pay for the grades on his report card. $10 for an A $5 for a B $0 for a C. He pays US $5 for any D's and $10 for any E's. If he gets all A's all year we have an incentive of a $100.00 bonus. So far this has not been collected, lol.

As far a daily chores, we expect him to do what is asked/required of him. He usually needs numerous reminders to do things, but I think with him it is more a matter of his age than of disobedience. He is SOOOOOOO unorganized lately!! But by the end of the day if his work is not done he gives up privileges(like computer or tv time) or fun things he has planned to do. I know it can be frustrating as lately I have been the recipient of numerous eye rolls!

School has always been a struggle for him, but he does try, and he is a good kid, I try to keep in mind that being an adolescent was hard when I was going through it, but I think its 100 times harder for kids today than it was then!

Good luck to you and God Bless!

Welcome to the world of having a teenager. It's a terrible time, because they're feeling their way around. They aren't adolescents but not adults either.

First, it's your household and you have a right to set rules and expect them to be adhered to. But maybe there a male he feels comfortable talking to. Guys don't always feel good about talking to females. If there's any way possible to find out, maybe from teachers?, then talk to the teachers. Maybe he's having some learning issues and that often affects doing their homework. Sometimes not. My oldest didn't like school either. He had the smarts, but for some reason didn't cotton to it well. Never said why. But he is finding now that taking some courses would be a good thing and help advance him in the working world.
Sometimes on Supernanny there are excellent examples given and applied for teens. It's always worth watching. I recommend it.
But make it clear that talking back is disrespectful and you don't deserve it. And don't tolerate it either.
Good luck.

M.,

Sounds like every other teen aged boy to me. My son also had a problem with school and grades at that age. I must admit it was a long hard road. The back talking did get better, but the more of his friends I met, I realized it was the people (and parents of those children) that he hung around. As far as school at 14 yr 9 months, they can take drivers ed. It is a privlege in which I told him if he couldn't be responable enough to carry a C plus or better he wasn't ready to be behind the wheel of a car. It took a while (and I was tired of taking him everywhere) but eventually the grades got better ( I never gave in). It took him almost a year to get the grades up but it worked.
He is a good boy, he is very active in sports but just had a hard time with school. He is now graduated and has a job.
So keep your head up, it does get better. Promise

Oh the dreaded TEENAGER! You will probably not get him back to "normal" until he is a few years older. Pray a lot and keep your sense of humor. We were all that age once!

S.

It would appear that your lad is trying to communicate his experience and not succeeding -- just as you are clearly trying to connect with him and not spanning the gap.

Overall, my advice is to listen at least twice as much as you talk, and when you talk don't give information or instructions but ask questions that help you clarify what he's trying to tell you. Try hard to ignore the snotty tone of voice and harsh words, just as you would ignore a whiney 2yo's voice when they're frustrated in trying to tell you something they lack the words for. The frustration is supplying the tone, your task is to listen for the message beyond the frustration.

Most kids have trouble at school around the time their brains are re-organizing themselves in preparation for the major brain development that makes it possible to do abstract operations (when they can see themselves and their lives from the outside for the first time ever). There is some considerable brain damage done, and the children end up with a limited capacity to access short-term memory, they are in the process of losing a lot of their childhood memories, and they lose impulse control and the ability to understand cause and effect -- for a while. The whole period lasts about 14 months, with the worst of it happening through about 6 months.

Frankly, there is a lot about school to dislike: bullying (either as a victim or as a powerless witness), expectations, social pressure to conform and to stand out, irrelevant and outdated material, dictatorial teachers, tyrannical administrators, stupid rules, a massive lack of respect for students as individual human beings... None of it is necessarily a valid reason to quit or rebel, but only the people who are empowered to respond accurately to their environments will be able to master them. I mean: if you can hear and respect his dislike as valid, perhaps he (with or without your aid) can learn to deal with it instead of complaining about it or hoping it will go away.

Make sure that you are spending fun time with him, doing things that he likes to do. Work on building a strong loving relationship between the two of you and he will be more likely to listen and be respectful.

Hi There,

I know how you feel. I have a 15 year old. The following book is wonderful. Local libraries should carry it. I borrowed it from the Ann Arbor public library.

Parenting teens with love and logic : preparing adolescents
for responsible adulthood Cline, Foster

Hang in there.

Hi M.,

I too have a 14yr old son; I don't have much of a solution for you. I just wanted you to know you are not alone on this. My son will not do anything around the house unless you tell him 5 or 6 times, or yell. It drives me crazy. We can tell him 1,000 times not to eat in his room cause he never brings the dishes back out. He still does it. It seems like no matter what we have tired nothing has worked. We have grounded him a ton of times. He will not clean his room unless it benefits him. So we have changed that some. If he does not help around the house and clean his room all week he does nothing on the weekends. He does talk back some, not to bad but some. The home work thing was a huge issue with us. He has gotten better this year for some odd reason, but it used to be a fight in our house EVERY night with him. So I feel your pain. I have not read your other responses yet, but I am going to. So goodluck to you I know what your are going through. I wish I had an answer for you but sometimes it is nice to know your not alone. That what you are going through is somewhat normal.

I have a 14 year old that used to give me a hard time as well. I started telling him that if he kept talking back to me I would take all his video games away. Then I went to vido games and tv, then I went to his cell phone and finally I hold over his head I won't allow him to take drivers training unless he can prove to me he is respectful, honest and a hard worker. I only had to follow through with the video games and tv before he started turning himself around. I haven't had a problem lately. Key is to stay calm and follow through.

Hope this helps - S.

Hi M.. I actually chuckled when I read your posting because it is a day in my life. All I can say to you is.....he is a normal 14 yr old kid!!! I have one too. he also is 14 and has a mouth on him and went from being an honor roll student to getting all D's and one C in the first quarter of this year. My sister experienced the same thing with her son when he was this age as well. He is now 17 and doing great. I think there are a lot of different routes you can take. For me, I try VERY hard to balance the discipline with out straining our relationship for the long haul. At this age, I think they really need boundaries and consistency but they also need to know they can trust us and that we love and are here for them. And for me, I try not to take it personal. Their hormones and all the changes in their lives right now are hard for them. I just work to really balance my parenting and demands for the respect I'm due, with trying to be understanding of what he might be dealing with.
If it makes you feel any better, I have seen my son improve a lot from about 6 months ago when this started. This is YOUR child and YOUR home, so I think you have to listen to your heart and your son. The answer on how to best handle this is probably between those to things :o)
You could also read the book , "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy". It discusses their brain development at this age and explains (sometimes with great comic relief) how they don't even know how to control their mouths/tempers/impulses. And it gives great advice on how you should respond. It's written by Dr. Mike Bradley and here his website... http://www.yesyourteeniscrazy.com/ I'm not that far into the book, but my sister read it and credits it for the progress she made with her son when he was this age and going through this.
I can't say that the way I parent is right for everyone, but it works for us. Yesterday my son came to me and told me that he had made a good choice, although it was hard for him, and even though he felt peer pressure to do the "wrong" thing, that because he and I had sat and talked about the particular situation, he decided to do the "right" thing and not fight this 16 year old kid who likes my son's girlfriend (teenage drama!!). But he actually said to me "if you hadn't talked to me about it, I would have been out there waiting for him after school, but I just went and got on the bus". My son is in the 8th grade and this boy is in the 10th grade. My son is very athletic and "strong" and I definately feel, as does he, that he could more than hold his own in a fight with this boy....so the fact that he made the decision not out of fear but rather because it was the "right" thing to do and he chose to be the bigger person was wonderful. The relevance to this situation though is that, when this all started happening a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that my son was VERY irritable and was talking back to me and rolling his eyes and sucking his teeth and all those things I'm sure you have seen. And I started noticing that it would happen worse after he would get off the computer. So, I started asking what was going on, and got on his myspace and then basically just "cornered" him until he gave in and started telling me what was going on with this boy and etc. For me, I have noticed his attitude gets worse when he is dealing with something else. I had my son when I was 18, so it hasn't been that long that I was a teenager myself and I would not want to repeat that for anything!!! But, one thing my parents missed was really talking to me. they missed a lot of opportunities to "parent" me and to guide and direct me because they were to hung up on my "attitude" and how I "talked" to them. I understand having stern expectations and not letting your teen get away with being disrespectful, but in my experience as a teenager with my parents and as a parent to my own, I think this time in their lives is crucial for how they learn to deal with stress and pressure and sometimes they just need extra love and these moments are really a good time to be talking to them. I'm SURE you will get very different views on here, but do what you feel in your heart is the best for YOUR child. They are all different as I'm sure you know since you have others and just keep faith. TAKE CARE!!!

M.,

I am so grateful that you put this request out. I am 51 and my son is 14. I have been so frustrated with my son. He doesn't want to talk to me. I have tried questions that he can't answer yes or no, but to no avail the communication isn't there. Also, his common sense seems to have disappeared, with regards to chores.

He is smart...he gets As and Bs and overall a good kid. But yes this an interesting time.

So THANK YOU to all you moms for the good advice and book suggestions.

It is good to know we are not alone!

M.

I was having the same problem with my 12-year-old daughter. I started to spend special time with her. Watching movies, going to lunch, or sometimes just taking a walk. I tell her that she is my best friend. She has responded to this very well. I ask her to clean her room nicely. I give her positive reinforcement when she cleans or does her homework. I also help her with her homework quite often. She knows that I am extremely proud of her. Just love him and tell him that it really hurts your feelings when he talks back to you. You'll be very surprised at how well kids respond to this. He might just think he's too old to ask for attention and feels sad about it. Good luck and I hope things get better.

My son is almost 18. What I have learned most is that there is a critical point when the *parent* needs to step back a little, and the *friend* needs to step forward. That said, it's not a black/white issue that has clear signs of when to be parent/friend. Your son isn't going to come to you and say "You know what, mom, (whatever) is really bothering me today.". They simply don't know how to do that, and if they do, we often don't know how to just listen and not try to fix it (or parent it). Guidance becomes very tricky during the teenage years because everything is BIG and seems substantial to them, whereas we know better because of the wonderful gift of hindsight!

Listen, listen, listen...and learn what questions to ask so your teen will talk. You CAN learn how to push the right buttons and gain some trust with your teen, but it might come at the price of keeping your mouth shut and biting your tongue...sometimes til it bleeds!

Good luck~
~L.

I am so glad that you posted this. I have been having the same trouble. I saw the book recommended and went right away and ordered it.

All that being said, things have really improved when I grounded my son. His grades dropped(he didn't want me to babysit his grades so I didnt' and he didn't turn in the work), so I grounded him until he brought them up... that's no computer, phone, tv, video games or friends until they are up... he is still in his sports, and school activities. I check the grades weekly now, and as long as the work in turned in and his grades on the homework are b or better, he can do what he wants, he starts slipping again, and he is grounded again.

This has helped his attitude also. Now he is out of his not talking back so much. I also had a talk with his father (we are divorced and asked him to have a chat with him)

Also, I started listening more and not talking as much.When he rolls his eyes, I know that he isn't feeling heard. That doesn't mean that I change my position, but when he is done talking, I let him know why I am concerned and have realized that I need to loosen the reigns a bit, and give him a little more breathing room.

Good luck!!

Hi M.,

He maybe having issues in/out of school with other children, issues he feels you may not understand. Children/Teenagers need a outlet,if he is not invovled in any activities or sport encourage him to do so, if he is not sure what his hobbies are then encourage him to try everything until he finds out what he likes to do most. Art, Photography, music ect......GOD bless!