Parenting teens is so much more difficult - and they can be so fresh. But it is their job to push back and they want to find out where the limits and boundaries are. I wish I could tell you I'm doing fabulously at this teen parenting - but there are good days and bad days.
I think the big thing is that we parents give our kids so many things but we don't use them as leverage properly. Our job is to train our kids to become responsibile adults. What responsible adult has someone else paying for their cell phone, internet, clothing, etc?
With my kids the cellphone, TV, video game and computer are the biggest tools for discipline. We pay $5 extra on the cell phones to have the ability to turn them off at certain times of the day (after 10 and before 7). There's no ability to send picture on the kids' cell phones (they complain frequently). There are no TVs or video games in bedrooms and computers can only be used when we can see the screen (if we want to - although we almost never look). All technology is subject to random audit (we'll read texts once in a great while, check history on the computer, etc.) If we find texts or history wiped out we assume they've attempted to hide something - but they know that assumption in advance. To tell the truth we hardly ever check them - but on occasion we do jsut to keep them on their toes.
To keep them from watching TV or playing video games if they're being disciplined, we have gone as far as removing/hiding remote controls, the computer mouse, the box for the TV. Sure it makes our life difficult but that's part of the deal. When my daughter (almost 16) was going through a really tough time, trying to get physical with us, REALLY fresh mouth, deleting texts, defying us, trying out alchohol, etc. we got pretty strict, turned off the cell phone when she wouldn't give it to us, took the computer (brought it to my office), etc. She could use the old family computer for homework, etc. She got worse initially - screamed, threatened to harm herself - to harm us, flipped out, etc. We were already working with a counselor so we had been dealing with her issues already. But once she realized our boundaries were not going to move and we were the parents, not her - she slowly began to come around. It's been a year and she's a different kid. We still have our teen vs. parenting moments - but we're in a much better place.
Now my son - he's just starting to get to that place - so we'll have to go through it with him too. It is soooooo NOT easy. There are kids who will just not learn the easy way - they're "stove touchers" the ones who have to burn their hand becuase they won't listen to you tell them not to touch the stove.
Sounds to me like your son may have some element of attention deficit disorder - and school may be a huge challenge now that here are multiple teachers and classes to track. Then once he gets behind it's seems impossible to catch back up. hearing from his parents that he's lazy, sneaky or whatever is just something that's heartbreaking. He probably feels like a failure. My heart is breaking for him - he's screaming out in the only way he knows how - for some love and boundaries.
Tell him you know it's tough to catch up once you get a little behind - but that this is one of those challenges in life that he can do. That it will take lots of effort but once done it will feel so good to have the accomplishment under his belt. School testing will often not catch many learning disabilities. The organization skills are tough for kids with ADD and my school was clueless as to how to recognise it with my son. Once diagnosed it was a miracle! Also - we pay for my daughter's Trig tutor and it's done a world of good not only for her grades but for her confidence. She can do really well at something very hard and it feels great to her.
Please take the time to make sure your son knows you are on his side and want to help him succeed in life. Identify things that he's really good at - some kids will be amazing electricians or contractors and won't be good at college. I have a cousin who is a millioinaire many times over but he was a horrible student - but is super smart and hard working. He began as a contractor and ended up building mansions for the super rich. He just needed to find that thing he was meant to do. Now at age 59 he's retired and running a huge food pantry and job assistance mission in Florida. He HATED school - but he was really really good at other things.
Do some research and help your son discover the things he's good at - maybe reading and math are tough but he's got great people skills, or spacial perception (building, engineering), maybe he's got very good musical skills. It could be that he's just convinced he's a loser and will never do well - so why bother trying? Encourage him, give him hugs when he's not expecting it. Tell him you know he's got awesome abilities and that you will outlast him - no matter what. He won't tell you but he will feel a greater sense of security knowing that. Say no to him if it's warrnted. I remember telling my daughter she couldn't go to a party and she was really mad. But I asked her, didn't she feel, deep down a sense of security knowing she didn't have to worry about what she knew would be risky behaviors at the party, and didn't she feel relieved knowing she could blame it on her parnets? Yes - was her eventual answer even though she told me she didn't want to admit it. Don't expect him to admit it.
Check out celebratecalm.com - see if any of their workshops will be in your area. helps to see the world through his eyes. he's not a bad kid - he's just trapped in this spiral now and doesn't know how to get out - he's only been on the planet for 14 years...
And pray - God really does care about the details of our lives - and He has a great plan for your son's life. Just keeping asking God for his direction, wisdom, discernment and help and allow yourself to consider the unusual.
<deep sigh...> And we thought toilet training was tough huh? This teen age stuff makes me really appreciate my mom - way more than the diaper changing stage!
