I have a group of 3 girl friends (plus me) who have been friends since we were in kindergarten. Every year we go on a girls weekend. I do all of the planning. We all set a date and pick a city but other than that I make all the arrangements. Every year we go on this trip and within 24 hours of arriving I wish I hadn't gone. One of my friends teases everyone in a friendly, funny sort of way. Somehow this opens things up for the other 2 to start teasing me in a non-friendly way. They just put me down under the "guise" of teasing but I'm not an idiot, I can see right through that. After giving it some thought I think the 2 are jealous of me. I know how that sounds but the stuff they tease about is an effort to make themselves look better and me worse and it's so petty. By the end of the trip I vow never to go on another girls weekend with them (in my head I make this vow) but the next year I do it again. I think I'm hopeful that things will be better the next year. Every year it's the same. I love these girls and would do anything for them. Individually, I get along with all of them fine. Even when we get together for 24 hours or less things are usually OK. Girls weekend is typically a nightmare for me.
I'll admit that I'm not very thick skinned. I don't handle teasing very well to begin with but when it's malicious I just shut down and get pissed off. I don't typically say anything much back to them because I know it's a moot point with them and because I don't want to say anything I'll later regret. I also want to be bigger than they are and not be dragged to their level. I love these girls and value our friendship but I don't think they feel the same or if they do they don't appear to make our friendship a priority at all. I feel like they always feel like their competing against each other instead of lifting each other up and supporting each other.
This year we set a date and a city and all that. I made the arrangements, discussed it with them SEVERAL times to be sure we're all on the same page and now 6 weeks before we're supposed to go they tell me they thought we were only going away from Fri-Sun and can't stay any longer because of (work, kids, time off etc..). Now, our weekends for the last 12 years have ALWAYS been Fri - Tues or Thurs-Mon. ALWAYS. Wouldn't a better time to have discussed this been when I verified and re-verified with them BEFORE buying our airfare? Anyway, I don't think I'm going to go this year. If this is the irritation I'm getting before we go is it even worth it to go? I got my flight on miles so I'm only out $35. Am I being thin skinned or am I justified?
** Additionally - I have told them how I feel several times and they just poo poo it. They don't apologize or change their behavior or want to know exactly what it is I'm feeling. They basically tell me to suck it up and deal with it. That's why I no longer say anything to them. It just eggs them on further.
Why are they still friends? Or were they ever friends?? We all have flaws and make mistakes but if they are vindictive and cruel why do you put up with it. Don't go on the trip. If its the same every year and you will be ridiculed why bother?
k
There's a saying: "I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was."
Maybe you are thin-skinned. But when you make arrangements and at the last minute (more or less) the others start wanting something else, that has nothing to do with the thickness (or lack thereof) of your skin.
Friendships are not cast in stone. They're more like water - always in motion.
If you decide not to go this year, don't do it out of hurt feelings. Think it through. You don't have to please the others, or defend whatever decision you make. But make a decision with no regrets - I mean real regrets, not just the "wish it had gone some other way" ones.
If this is the time to bow out of the annual festivity, you can contact them and say, "I'm sorry the arrangements don't work for you. Feel free to rearrange them yourselves. I hope you'll all have a wonderful weekend together." And make that ALL. You don't need to discuss it further or let them try to change your decision (if they want to - they might be relieved!). Just quickly make some plans with your family for that weekend so you can honestly say you have something else to do.
It's junior-high-ish to get into long emotional discussions with them about who hurt whom, who said what, and whose fault it is. Just cut the cord. From what you write, I think you'd like to keep fond memories of these longtime buddies, but I don't think you really like them as people now.
I would cancel this trip, I would rather put the money towards myself like one day nice local beach resort/spa. It seems like you hold on to these friends because you know them all your life...friendship is a two way street, life as a wife and as a mom is to valuable to waste. Sometime people grow apart, if they don't meet you half way just let it go. It seems like you are a very sweet person and they dont appriciate you. Surround yourself with friends who will uplift you, inspire you and incourage you to be a good person you are.
I kind of wonder if for several years the girls have been going along to get along and then get there and decide to turn their anger about the event outwards. I have seen this kind of behavior in my family where everyone seems to quietly seethe about getting together but they do it anyway and then when they get together they do things to sabotage the event like complain outwardly about someone's choice of restaurant or hotel or whatever. I think that it sounds like from their actions the time for the girls weekend has come and gone. I also think from my view once I had a family I could not imagine spending 5 whole days with anyone but them and even at that after 5 days I have had enough of them too. If you feel that they purposefully torpedoed you with the lack of communication about the length of the weekend perhaps you should have a discussion about this and how hurtful you found it. If you feel it was a simple oversight on their part and not purposeful sabotage perhaps you can explore if 3 days together is less stress and more fun for all. You don't mention specific things they say or so so its hard to tell if you are being thin skinned. Again I think its probably a matter of not wanting to be there for that length of time but not feeling free to say anything outward
Don't go.
THe one who calls you and actually listens to you is a true friend, or the one who says I understand, I'm not going either.
Friendships are not to tear you down, that is not a friend.
I think it's time to stand up for yourself. They seem to enjoy walking all over you. Be strong.
Look if you don't stand up for yourself why would they? You are the only one who can stop this. When start on something, look at the person and say "ya know for the several years you have made these remarks, why? Are you jealous?" Put it back on them. Ask them why they are doing it? It just might be they don't realize they are doing it because you haven't said anything.
I would go. As for the length of time, resend the e-mails and say, here is where this was discussed. I can't change the flight arrangements, you do it. Put it back on them.
As for next year, I would tell them I'm not available. And if you decide to go, let someone else be the "travel agent".
a little bit of both...
the fact that you don't stand up for yourself only helps egg them on. Kind of like school yard bullys - or even the bullys we get on here - you give them food for fodder and they are all over it...however, when you stand up to them and tell them to back off - or give it right back to them - it isn't as much fun for them...
So in the future when someone is teasing you - either stand up for yourself and give it back - friend or no - or you can play dead and continue getting your feelings hurt..
for this year? I would go - if it's only me - I would LOVE a weekend away from the family to collect my thoughts and just "be"....so go...don't worry if they aren't going...do this for YOU.
If you decide to go on the trip, it does not mean that you have to spend all of your time with them. Do what you want to do. Relax, go sight seeing or to a museum or the beach or whatever YOU want to do. If you are together and comments start to turn ugly, stand up and say "this has been so much fun for me. I have to go now" and leave. One of my favorite things to say to someone who says hurtful things in a teasing or joking way is "it always surprises me how pretty you can look when saying something so ugly." The general response is silence which gives you the perfect opportunity to gracefully walk away. And it might be time to do just that. But that decision is all yours. Good luck.
Why do you put yourself through this every year? Sometimes old friendships are just meant to be casual once ini a very long while things. I have many old friends who I no longer see except at funerals or the life events of the kids of mutual friends. Life is too short to put yourself through this stuff.
At this point you've already made the flight - why don't you go - spend the 2 days with the friends and when they leave enjoy the time along in that city and go to a museum or take a tour. Have a little "you" time. Or have your husband join you.
Whatever you do, do not make plans for next year!
I would not go.
The girls might be very jealous of you, even if you don't understand it.
I had a friend who several people told me talked about me and tried to have relationships with guys I dated. I didn't want to lose the friendship or the safety I felt in having my friends from childhood. I couldn't face reality until I made new friends who built me up and I felt good being around. Then her comments were too much and we grew apart. I miss the idea of having a friend from K, but not the drama.
When your friends show you who they are believe them! I too held onto a friendship that was the same and I overlooked her remarks and put downs for the sake of it being what she would always say "it's just my opinion" until I turned into her and started to shut her down with every remark, she could not handle it and It made me feel bad becaue that is not me. We went our separate ways and that was the best because I kept saying that I was not being a good friend to her because I started to barely like her. Save yourself the anxiety and stay home.
