Odd Behavior of a Family Member

I have to ask is he autism spectrum or something similar?

That could have been perfectly normal behavior for my 13 year old if I wasn't constantly correcting him. He just doesn't intuitively get that behavior is not normal for a teenager. He doesn't mean anything by it but he has no idea it is creepy. He still doesn't understand why it is creepy but accepts it is and doesn't act that way.

Okay Andy doesn't slap people on the butt, at all, still....If he had not been taught his whole life what is or is not appropriate he would be exactly as you described.

If he isn't diagnosed you may want to suggest he get tested because what you described is a child who doesn't see social boundaries.

Oh, just want to say you are not being overprotective. I know my son and I know why he acts the way he does and I tell people what is going on after I correct him when something new comes up. If I saw a child acting like my son and no one corrected him or explained it I would think what a creepy kid myself, ya know?

You need to talk to his parents first. Let them know that they need to talk to their son about what appropriate touching looks like. Let them know that you are uncomfortable and why.

See where it goes from there.

Yeah, this boy needs to be reported to someone. Even if it's just to a school counselor, who can ask him some questions. Whether he has a sexual attraction to young girls, general behavior issues, or something going on mentally...I don't think any of this is normal.

Please don't allow your daughter to be close to him, or around him. It's rarely a stranger who harms a child. It's almost always someone close. You are right to be concerned. You owe your daughter protection first. Who cares what family thinks.

ETA: My answer was under the assumption you would know if your family member had autism, or something similar. If he does, clearly he needs to still be taught boundaries. I would still be protective around him, since he may not be able to control impulses. When I was 19, I worked at a dog kennel. They hired a 17 year old guy, who was on the spectrum. Dogs being therapeutic and all. I was instructed I shouldn't be alone with him. Not that he was going to deliberately try to harm me, but because in the past, he had trouble with impulse control. They actually let him go, because he tried to force a kiss on a girl. He really had no idea why that was wrong, but it still is wrong. Hence, needing protection even after a diagnosis and awareness.

Listen to your gut.

Nobody ever says "wow, I really wish I had ignored that nagging feeling".

Even if you're wrong, you'll have peace of mind.

Your mothers intuition is working, follow it always!

Ditto Bug.
No, it isn't normal behavior at all. And that is why your mommy alarms are going off like gangbusters.

of course you protect your daughter from this. there's no need to 'get onto him' or treat him poorly. his issues should probably be discussed calmly with his parents, but he won't be helped if you treat him like a pervert. he may simply be socially inept.
but your daughter absolutely should not be subjected to this. and you should be working with HER on stopping it as well. she should use a loud firm voice and say 'NO. I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT. PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME.' and you are there to back her up.
stay calm and handle it courteously and extremely firmly.
khairete
S.

Follow your instincts. My sister had this experience as a child by a family friend, around the same age difference. Since it was a family friend it was less frequent, but it was also more surreptitious and no one ever knew whatwas going on. Eventually it went into the molestation realm as he "took it out" if you know what I mean. She has had major control issues for life due to this experience and the loss of control she felt when he would hold her down for tickle torture or whatever. It has taken her YEARS, I mean well into adulthood, to come to terms with her experience and the effect it had on her life.
I'm not trying to scare you, it just sounds very similar to her experience.
The difference is it all happened in secret and my parents didn't know, you luckily have your eyes wide open. The secret shame my sister carried weighed on her for years. Yes trust your instincts and do not leave her alone with him, not for a second. Step in when he pushes the boundaries and make the boundaries clear and spoken (just as much for your daughters sake as his). Watch closely your daughters reaction, she may not mind at all a kiss and a hug from this relative, but she may hate being held too long. Absolutely no slaps on the butt that's just mean (and invading personal body areas). That you should really stay firm on. Absolutely watch like a hawk and don't feel bad if you look overzealous to the kid or his parents, small price to pay for protecting your daughter. The most important thing is o be open and matter-of-fact with your daughter about his behavior toward her. Example: "we don't like when he slaps you on the butt do we? It's OK to tell him NO, and that's what mommy is going to do too" I think its the shame factor that really messes with people, so if nothing is ever happening in secret, and you talk about it often and take the shame out of it, you will do the best you can for the situation.
And never, never let them out of your sight together.
I hate to be fear monger but I've seen the effects of what that kind of "play" had on my sister, and I wouldn't wish others to go through it.

This is not normal. Have you discussed this with his parents? If not, please do so immediately.

You are right to be concerned and don't leave her or any child alone with him.

As for what's up with the kid...any chance he's developmentally delayed or has something not easily detectable like Asperger's? The way you describe his behavior, I'm thinking he may have a social skills problem/disorder versus a problem like being criminally perverted. Sounds like he doesn't have a clue about personal space or appropriate behavior around people of different ages or sexes.

If you are close with his parents, ask about it. I'm sure they're already aware, but they should work harder to help him navigate appropriately. While it is alarming to you, in the end, it's the kid who is going to suffer. It's a problem that needs to be addressed and it's the parent's responsibility to help him learn appropriate behavior in public.

At worse, he may be a sicko. Once again, if you put the parents on notice in a kind way, they'll hopefully do something about it or stop bringing the kid to family functions.

Tough situation indeed, but I think artfully talking to the parents is necessary for the safety of everyone involved.

Uh, talk to his parents already. Tell them what you've observed and how inappropriate his behavior is. Hopefully, they'll get him some help.

Do not leave her alone with him - ever!

Keep her away from him. You are not being overprotective.

It would be helpful to him to talk to him (away from any situation, and maybe to his parents at the same time if that is an option) and say this is what you've done, and you must never touch her again.

He and the parents will claim that you are over-reacting. That doesn't matter. What matters is your little girl. Step in now. Protect her now.

Listen to your gut...

keep your daughter away from him.

Talk to his parents and tell them you would like them to step in and let him know this is not appropriate behavior for a child of his age acting this way with a child of her age.

If they don't do anything then next time you see him do it... pull him away and go for a walk with just the two of you and you explain it to him. If he acts younger he may be mentally younger also (?) and you need to let him know what is right and wrong since his parents aren't doing it. Hopefully with a good explanation and a heart to heart he will get it and stop.

If his parents get mad just gently explain that you are looking out for your daughters needs and safety. Remind them you gave them a chance to do it first.

I do agree to follow your instincts as everyone else has said! Is this boy functioning on all cylinders, is he autistic or does he have any mental deficiency that you know of? If he does have one of those issues, it could simply be explained by a lack of social knowledge. A lot of those kids have trouble relating appropriately.

Regardless, you absolutely need to speak to his parents, even if that means confronting your brother or sister or other close family member. Don't accuse him or them of anything but express your concern over his inappropriate affection, mention that you have spoken to him about it and it doesn't seem to be helping. Ask for their help in managing this behavior.

Oh no!! You have told him to back off and leave her alone and he is not listening. Talk to his parents right away and address that this is inappropriate, give them the opportunity to make it stop now. I'm not really worried about them feeling that he is singled out or having his feelings hurt.

If everything in you is telling you to keep your daughter away from him then do it. There is no reason your daughter needs to be around this, even if he is a close relative. I doubt you will ever regret protecting your daughter.

I agree with the others your mom inituition is telling you something, listen to it and keep her away from him.

If you feel comfortable, talk to his parents about it. Just beaware that they may become defensive and angry with you.
But, your daughter must come first, if they get mad, oh well, atleast your daughter is safe.
Take it from me, I've been in a similiar situation!

Whoa whoa whoa.. slow down. Don't go reporting anything to anyone, especially a family member. You don't want to offend anyone or make anyone feel as if their child is getting singled out. I would take both of his parents aside privately and ask them if he has a behavior issue you are not aware of. Maybe this boy is special needs and doesn't realize what he is doing is not appropriate. Sometimes parents of special needs kiddos don't always come foward with important information about their child for fear of rejection or dislike of their child. I know, been there, done that. I agree, you have every right to protect your child so I would continue to do so, but you also need to find out exactly what is going on with the 15 yr old family member, because if this is the case then you can move forward in the right direction.
My SN daughter is 5 and she loves kisses and hugs and is over friendly with people she doesn't know, so it is my job to watch her and make sure she doesnt make other people feel uncomfortable. She also has a habit of staring at people, she finds them intriguing, she finds them interesting, so if we go somewhere and she finds someone that she is attracted too, then she stares. So I queitly tell them that she is my SN daughter and this is her way of communicating with people. Once i say that, then they become more relaxed. Good luck!

If this boy is a teenager I would talk to his parents maybe but I would also talk to him. He's a person almost an adult although immature. He may not have been taught how to handle his new feelings about girls and just be allowed to act on any feelings if his parents didn't teach him. I would tell him that you don't want him kissing your daughter and touching her except to say hi and give her a hug maybe. Tell him it's not that you dislike him but that it's just not appropriate. Tell him this firmly and just say it like you are his parent. Then see what happens from that and if it continues you definitely need to talk with the parents. It could be he's more comfortable with younger kids since he's immature acting but on the other hand you don't want older girls being grabbed either. Be sure you say it kindly and hug him after the talk so he gets the idea that you care about him but not his behavior and hope that works. It may be deeper than that but do go by your intuition.

This is scary, and no you are not paranoid. You are listening to your instincts SCREAMING at you. You have to listen to your intuition. Tell his parents that, until they can get his behavior under control, that he is to not come around. It's that one moment, that you are not watching, that the line gets crossed. It can only take one second.
The only other advice I have is to get her into taekwondo- something to teach the basics of self-defense. She has to be able to go into attack mode if needed to get this kid off of her. Even though you watch him like a hawk, you never know when there will be a time where you aren't present (esp since this is family). Talk to her about inappropriate contact, and what to do if he does it again. It can be something as easy as screaming at the top of her lungs, or poking him in the eyes. Family or not, this is has to stop. At the very least, if she retaliates, he will learn to leave her alone.

I would definately remain alert and have your own talk with the boy. Your house, your rules, (not your house- then your child, your rules). You post freaked me out and I am a stranger. Not sure of the situation with the parents, and no offense when I say if they let that stuff go on, it is enabling the boy to act inappropriately. This is such a shame for the boy even, because it will create problems throughout his life. Last words, protect your little girl as you have been. Mothers sixth sense is stronger than ever in these matters. I would suggest putting down the law. Start out simple, about germs etc when talking to him. If he persists after a bit stronger approach, you will HAVE TO address the parents. Safety first. :) Good luck.

I think you should put it right out there to him and the parents... say "Hey boy, you're perving out a bit... don't need to touch my daughter in that manner, that isn't right." If anyone dare to say something to me after I said that to them, bring it on. I would say, come on, he's almost 15 years old and he's trying to tongue my 4 year old daughter, you don't touch her booty like that. If he's not a perv, then that will bother him enough to NEVER do it or imply it again. Plus mommy and daddy will be a little embarrassed or should be.

I know it's family, but you are right, your concern is your daughter and I think you are right on key!

Thank you all for your responses!!! I have already talked to my daughter about inappropriate touching and she know what to do when it happens. She is not allowed to go any where without me if that particular family member is going to be around. We are going to address this with them and if it doesn't change immediately, my daughter will not be going any where near him again!!! As for the response about IMO and him maybe just wanting to love on her... it is not like you are thinking. She has several cousins (boys and girls) that do love her dearly and love to carry her around and give her "A" hug and kiss when they see her and play with her, but this is so completely different from that and soooo uncomfortable!!! It makes me a nervous wreck to have him around her. I do not accuse him of anything. I just make it clear when he needs to back off. Hopefully talking to him/his parents will resolve the behavior. If not, we will not be attending anymore family functions where he will be present. Thanks again!!!

You should be concerned about his behavior. Have you talked to his parents about what is going on? That is not normal.