Not Sure What to Do.. - Niagara Falls,NY

G.,
Did he have this work situation before you had children (or even before you were together)? If he did, then I think that it is going to be hard to get him to understand that you want him home. From his point of view, this will probably be something that you should have anticipated as it was what he was doing before you had the baby.

It sounds as if you need to have a conversation about how willing he is to change jobs. If he isn't willing it is going to become a huge problem if he feels forced to change. If he is resistent, then you should probably see what you can do without him to help you out when he is gone. For example, can you (or will he???) pay for someone to come and help you out a few nights a week or on weekends? Does your hospital have a program to help new moms? Mine does and I understand it is wonderful.

The bigger questions, of course, would be is he willing to change jobs and if he isn't are you willing to stay with him anyway. Before tackling those, try to find ways to make your life a little easier so you can think on those questions with a clearer head. Good luck!!!

G.,
Wow, your letter hit home. I was a military wife but my husband had always been on shore duty since our son was born and never ended up going out to sea. What did end up happening is he would work for weeks on end and I wouldn't see him at all. I resented it so much and could never help feeling that he was some how "personally" doing this to me. (Later I would find out I wasn't wrong in that assumption).

To make a long story short though, as hard as it was, I wouldn't change it. I can't recall how many times I broke down crying because I felt I just couldn't handle anymore. My sanity was always the phone. I would just call and talk to an adult for awhile, someone who understood what was going on, and I would feel better or at least be able to be calmer and handle my son more patiently.

In the end my husband and I divorced and now he is gone all the time. The fact is though, that it doesn't hurt and isn't half as hard as it used to be. I agree with the advice of everyone else. Find an outlet. For me a "group" wouldn't have worked but simple "phoning a friend" did.

If you ever want to talk or feel you are at a breaking point and need to talk, e-mail me and I'll give you my number. Sometimes just having someone make you laugh for five seconds or tell you that you are doing a good job is all it takes.

J.

G. raising children with or without the help of the dad is hard to begin with. Like the other response that you got asked, did he have this schedule prior to you guy's haveing children, or even before you got together with him? If he did, unfortunatly then this should have been thought about before the baby. Do you live near your parents, or maybe even his parents, or anyother relative that you could ask to help you out, maybe by taking the kids for a little while each week, so that you might get sometime to yourself?? If you don't live near anyone in your family, maybe you could talk to your boyfriend to see if maybe you guy's could move closer to your family, so that you could have some help. i also agree with the other response, see if your local hospital has a program that helps out. Good luck

Have you thought of also conecting with other moms, even maybe meeting some moms on here, and seting up play dates, it would be a great way for you to be with other adults, and for the children to have someone to play with.

I know it doesn't help with missing your boyfriend, and it's a shame he misses so much of the kids, but like the others said, if it's work related, there isn't much he can do...

Why is he out of town so much for so long?? Is it work related?

I recently have been having the same problem and my husband who works an hour away. I just recently asked him what part of having children has changed his life?If we were to leave now or God forbid something happened to us he could go on just like he did before we had kids.He really had to think about it. I stayed home with my daughter for a year before I put her in daycare and it was the best thing that I did.It gave me alot of time to focus on myself and just b/c you put them in daycare does not mean that you don't love them.Find things for you to do and let him know it needs to change or he might lose you if you are willing to go that far. What also helped was going back into the workforce. It didn't leave so much time for me to wonder where he is and why he is not home.Things now are not perfect but much improved.