Not Sure How to Handle This...

Dear Dawn,

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. Grieving the loss of an unborn child can be such a lonely feeling because it is a grief that many people don't understand and can't relate to. I had a very similar situation after my first miscarriage. A friend became pregnant soon after and wanted to share her excitement with me every time we talked. I finally told her that it was hard for me to hear about her pregnancy because I was still grieving the loss of my own pregnancy. She was very understanding and patient with me. Unfortunately, I never reached the point where I felt healed enough to share in her joy. I do think that it created distance between us that we have never completely recovered from. My advice would be to tell her that you are happy for her and want to share in her joy, but you will need her to give you some time to recover from your loss. Then I would suggest that you make an effort once in a while (when you feel strong enough) to ask her about how her pregnancy is going. Take care! The pain will go away with time.

We had a similar situation with nieghbors. One couple has infertility issues and was trying to adopt for at least 5 years. Another couple instantly got pregnant. The infertile wife asked the other to give her a little space. I think that was fine... BUT, with a really close neighborhood the pregnant mommy decided to make it a big deal and was very upset by her comments telling everyone. Then about 5 months along, found out their baby had trisomy X. They had to do early labor and lost the baby. Then the infertile mom tried to say some consoling words but too much uncomfortableness had passed. The family that just lost there little one concieved again and now have a healthy little girl. A few months after her first b-day, the adoptive parents finally got there little girl. And guess what? The two girls now share the same b-day!!! They are the exact same age. Wierd...

Anyway, I do think you should say something. Just that you do wish her the absolute best and am happy for her (even if you don't feel that) but just need time to grieve the loss of your child. She may not realize that it really is like someone died for you. Don't say 'need some space' b/c then she will never want to come to you for anything. I agree that after a few weeks you should try to ask about her pregnancy to ease back into things, but only once you are ready.

I wish the best for you!
Amanda

wow, you're right. she probably is clueless as to how inconsiderate she's being. Although I can't imagine what rational person would think it's a good idea to go on and on about a situation like this and not know that their friend must be devastating????

You should definately tell her. let her know that you are very happy for her and that you wish her all the best and you want to be involved in her happiness....just not so much.

I agree with the previous responder. I too went through a similar situation. It is a very hard time in your life and your friend needs to understand that. Be gentle and non-confrontational, but you need to let her know how you are feeling right now dealing with your loss. She is probably totally clueless and not intending to be hurtful, but she needs to be clued-in. Hopefully this will help you and she have an enjoyable trip to the beach. If she just can't see past her own happiness to her friend, then a break might be needed for your on emotional well being. Take care of yourself!