Not So Helpful Hubby

Men do not understand, "I need help".

They understand, "I need you to wash the basket of whites and the basket of towels", "The baskets are already in the laundry room." When they are dry, bring them in here and fold them while you watch your shows."

"I need you to run to the store and pick up this list of items. Follow the list and if you do not know what it is call me." Hand him a list that is as specific as needed and clear hand writing.

"Hold the baby while I take my shower."

(poke poke with your elbow) "Wake up, the baby is crying, go and change her diaper and give her, her bottle."

"When your show is over, I need you to vacuum this room" Then lay the cord on his lap. (Give him a kiss)

Always thank him. Let him know it was a huge help.

Be very specific. Start by asking him to do one thing. Make dinner, wash dishes, change the baby, etc. I'm not trying to be mean, but many men cannot simply jump in. They need direction. Also, let him know that you need a couple hours to yourself once in awhile. It will help you to feel refreshed and give him a chance to live in your shoes for a little while.

I hired a cleaning person to come in one day a week while I worked and the kids were at a sitters. It made all the difference.
The things that drive you nuts are simply below his radar...that doesn't mean they are not important.
My cleaning person cost me about one hundred dollars a week, but it was worth it cause it saved my sanity.
You might want to present this to your husband;" Either I am going to hire someone to help me with the housework, or you can help me with it, which would you prefer?"

BE EVIL sometimes all they need is a kick in the pants...I read on here from several other posts that hubbies don't help out around the house.What do they do sit on the couch and watch TV all day?DO you and other moms do all the housework including the outside work the repairs on cars,house etc how does it get done?
Here in my house I'm the caretaker of the children i'm the sahm I do the shopping,cleaning,laundry,dishes,vacuum,long list of other things.Yes i'am tired but I also get to stay home and take a nap whenever shower,take time for myself daily I make it my time.My hubby has more work than I do he works on our house, yard work, painting, fixing something,making a new cabinet or shelf I never see him(he is out in the garage) unless it's time for a glass of ice tea bathroom break or he's too tired to work anymore after putting in 10-14 hrs of work daily Mon.-Fri.Sat.& Sun. he is just as busy but at times I do get disgusted that he doesn't wake up at nite for the crying baby or toddler diaper changes,bathing,changing clothes putting shoes on the kids.I have now realized that he is very capable of doing these in his own way not mine so I step out of the way & let him handle it the way he wants to & knows how to.
Working nights is hard on the body and mind he is tired but what they don't realize is that while they are sleeping or at work your up several times a night as well losing sleep.Does he have a cell phone and able to take calls while he is at work?Tell him that your going to call him every time you get up for a few weeks and let him see the valuable time your investing on taking care of the children yourself and him on very little sleep and your grumpy and frustrated you need some additional help from him even it it's a few things like dishes feeding the baby changing a diaper.

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It will also help you with your "affection" question you posted.

Such a common story....
Did he help with the other kids? My husband and I had this argument alot when our first was born, but I didnt work. So you have even more reason to be angry. Keep telling him, YOU NEED HELP. And if he doesnt get it, then I'd simply stop doing things like washing HIS clothes, picking up things from the store he needs, etc anything that may pertain to him. If he's not going to consider your feelings, why consider his? Petty I know but sometimes thats the only thing that works. Men can be such stubborn pains in the butt! Sometimes you have to play thier game right back! I finally posted a sign that read I was also off the clock at 5p.m. mon-fri, and I didnt work holiday or weekends either ( LOL ) he was ticked at first, but he got it :)

I'm sorry, but some of these responses, such as "don't criticize him" or "he's so tired" are making me sick. I wish I knew how to help you, but I honestly don't. I do agree with the people that have been saying that you might need to tell him specifically what he needs to help with (but not every time). My husband and I both work outside of the home and have 3 kids with another on the way. My husband made the comment last night that the memories of how his mother did everything for his dad while he sat around make him sick. We have our own chores (which is why I said maybe you both need to sit down and discuss what needs to be done and who is going to do it). In our house, my husband knows that he is in charge of all dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, while I do all laundry. We do have a cleaning service come in so we don't have to do major cleaning. I just know that having 3 kids, especially a newborn, and now working again, no one can really compare to you at being tired and I don't think that's a very good excuse.

Alot of good responses here, so I'd like to make one quick suggestion. You're 7 weeks post partum, so sex is looming on the horizon. Remind him gently that the most romantic thing he can do to make sure you have the time and energy for sex is to help you out with kids, housework, whatever. Just follow the good advice given here--be specific.

If you could, it might be helpful if you could have a pre-teen or a teen come in for a couple of hours every other day or so and interact with the older children, so that you could have a minute to yourself, or do some things around the house.
OR, you might just do what you can, let the rest go, and see if your husband can cope with that.
With a new baby, it is imperative that you care for it and the other children first and the rest comes last.
Stressing over his lack of help does YOU no good, and I am looking out for your mental health.
I have been there (six children in 10 years and a very big house etc.)...my husband worked very hard and traveled a lot but I did not have to work outside the home, so I was very thankful.

What kind of work does he do nights? I worked nights just 5 days/week and could not get enough good sleep during the daytime to carry me thru the week. I was single and slept nearly the whole day and night my first night off. I was a police officer on patrol.

So both of you are really tired. Try taking a more positive approach. Sit down with him at a time when you're both reasonably rested and won't be interrupted and empathize with him. Tell him that you do understand how tired he is. Explain how tired you are too. Suggest that the two of you find a way to organize life so that both of you share and neither one of you feels like they're doing all the work. If he hasn't taken care of the children for any length of time you'll probably need to describe what your days and nights are like.

Do not criticize him in any way. Tell him you realize he's really tired but so are you and you do need his help. Once he agrees to provide some help then talk about chores and which ones he's like to do. I suggest that you make a list of everything that has to be done every day, every week, every month. Then both of you spend some time thinking about the lists and ways to divy them up.

This will probably take 2-3 sessions to build the basics and the several weeks to work the kinks out. Keep in mind that both of you need to give each other lots of praise, accept the way the other person does their chores, and never criticize or blame. It's a bit like motivating children. Everyone thrives on praise. Everyone gets frustrated, irritated, and even angry when they feel criticized. These negative feelings then prevent us from working well together.

Keep reminding yourself that he and you are on the same side even tho he's not had the experience or training, or even the expectation that he help at home. This generation is coming out close to a generation in which wives worked in the home and husbands outside the home. We;re still dealing with that perception. It takes time to make changes.

While you're working this out, schedule in time for just the two of you to do something fun together. Brush off your senses of humor and try to find the funny side when things go wrong.

And, each of you, also need some time for yourself.

All of this takes planning. When we just live from day to day without thought of how to make the days better we do get in a rut that is difficult to get out of.

Remember to ask him to help in a friendly tone of voice. When you need something specific done tell him what it is. If he doesn't do it, tell him how that hurt you. Leave out the sarcastic and angry words. Focus always on the fact that both of you are doing the best that you can do and that both of you can make changes together when you're working together instead of trying to force someone or just expecting someone to do something.

You said you told him how you feel. That is so good. I would probably go one step further. Tell him again the areas you are struggling with. Ask him for his advice on how to overcome these areas. Ask him what his priorities are for his home. Ask him what things he thinks you should spend your time taking care of. Let the rest go. Perhaps you are trying to do too much. I can't even imagine the burden you have with a newborn, 2 other young children, and work! Do you have to work? It seems that that time would be best served taking care of your family. But, I do understand that sometimes there truly is not an option. I always struggle at this point postpartum because I feel like I should be able to do it all, but I just don't have the strength. Your husband has a brutal schedule also, working 6 days a week. So hard for all of you! Seriously, ask him his opinion on this. You may be surprised at his answer. Be kind and loving during this conversation, truly seeking his counsel, not already knowing the "right" answer. He is your husband, worthy of respect and honor, even though he is not perfect (none are). Blessings to you, and congratulations!!

Tell him that if he can't help then you'll get a cleaning service.

My husband has always been kind of clueless when it comes to housework too. It seems like I always see the mess, and I need to do something about it, and he just doesn't see it. I have learned that it helps to be very specific and bring things to his attention, like "Please unload the dishwasher and re-load it" and "The living room rug and couch need vacuuming." It does irk me still though, because I work full-time and he's been out of work and is opting to stay home with our 3-year-old, rather than pay for daycare. I feel like, OK, so if this is going to be your "job" and you are going to be Mr. Mom, why do I have to keep reminding you of things and pointing out what needs to be done? It does lead to arguments and nagging sometimes but I think it's just how the male mind works. There are days I try to have sense of humor about it. There are days I start suggesting we get a cleaning person to come in every 1 or 2 weeks (and if he does end up going back to work at some point, I just might do that).

I do try to appreciate him for what he does do and let him know that. He is in charge of all the outdoor work like mowing the lawn and stuff like that. He is also quite the handyman and he's done all the painting in our new house we moved into a year ago, as well as crown molding, installing blinds, tile backsplash in the kitchen, and building the deck out back. So sometimes I choose to say something if I think it's warranted and sometimes I choose to let it slide. But in general I have found it helps to ask for specific things, like would you please do X or Y, rather than just saying you are overwhelmed and need more help - a woman will get that but guys just can't seem to understand our language sometimes.

You need to make a list of household chores that you could use some help with. DON'T list 20 things, maybe 5 or six. Talk about how much you need his help and how much it will HELP your relationship as well as your relationships w/ your kids.

If you have a child that's old enough to go to football practice, it's not too early to start giving him some light chores, too......taking out trash, etc. If he thinks dad can get by w/ doing nothing, so will he. Dad needs to realize he's got kids looking up to him......boys will model what their father do to help or not. The girls will decide that it's not a man's job to help and think they have to do it all themselves.

TEACH THEM THAT A MARRIAGE IS A PARTNERSHIP AND MODEL BEHAVIOR THAT TEACHES THAT.