Not One of the "Cool Kids"

If my kid did that, I would want to know. If only to know how many kids to expect to arrive at the party!

Birthday parties terrify me all around.

Not responding, is the usual response now-a -days....I am a 50 yr old grandmother of 9.Go to the party with your son and stand beside your son and "show" everyone you intend to stand by your child....no matter what.They will see your son is as cool as everyone else in time. Respect as well as disrespect start at home.Seeing your son being respectful of others may just be the example they all need. LOL C. B.

I know it is hard. I had similar issues with my son last year in Kindergarten. What I try to do is down play the importance of these other kids and their opinions. I try to make sure that I don't act like it's that important to me. I tell him about times when I had friends who were unkind and what I did about it. Kids are unpredictable, and cannot be expected to always do the right thing. I think it's important to tell my son that it is more to do with the other child, and their issues than it is about him (my son).

My heart breaks for you and your son. If you feel that enough is enough, I would suggest you meet with your son's teacher. Ask her how your son and the boys in his class are interacting with each other in class, does she notice any bullying. I would ask her to keep an eye and ear out and to give you an update a few days later. Since she is with your son the most during the day maybe she is seeing something. If the bullying persists then you may want to go to the principal or to the parent(s) yourself.
I hope the best for you.

That's a horible thing for someone to say! I think his mother should know about this. If I were his Mother, I would want to know that my child said this. So this 9 yr old is taking advise from a 5 yr old? That's weird. Anyway, I hope the mother makes her son apologize to your son. My boys are sensative too. I have a 7 and 9 yr old in Wright City Schools. If nothing happens from this, I would make him feel better by having one of his close friends spend the night the same night as the other boy's party, this way his mind will be on HIS fun and not rejection.
God Bless,
C.

I saw that you said that one of the kids claim that they think your son is weird. I know that as his mom, and being the one who raised him; you may not see what it is that child is talking about. To you what ever this is could just be one of those things that makes your son who he is, and so you are unaware of it. Talk to him about it. Ask him what it is that these kids think is so weird about him. You see some kids get picked on for reasons that are quite fixable, and to those who are doing the picking it could look to them as if he's acually trying to be some kind of freak, but to him and you it's just a quark. If you can find out what it is maybe you could help him work on resolving the issue, and explain to him why it dosen't seem normal to others. You never know it could be something that he's doing only at school, but something could damage his social status for many years, and those kinds of things can haunt them for the rest of thier lives. As I said you might not even be aware of it yourself. It seems that some of the kids would like to try to become his friend, but can't get past this one thing. If that dosen't work I would definatly step in, and go to the mothers of these children. Maybe together you set up play dates that would give these children a chance to get to know him one on one away from school. Or get them all together and take him and these boys or just of couple of them somewhere realy fun that they never get to go or do with thier parents. Then they could see the coolness in being his friend. Drastic times call for drastic measures. You have to fix his social problem now before he carries it the whole way, and ends up making him a different kind of adult than the one he could be. He needs the confidence of being accepted.

Hi S.... boy do I know how you feel! My son is also 9 and in the 3rd grade and he started having problems this year and never has before. This is what I think... at this age they are going through that "awkward" stage, trying to identify who they are and recognizing things. My son had several run-ins with other boys being down right mean. Of course at first I wanted to go to the school and throw a fit because it hurt me too (maybe more). I hated seeing him be so sad about not fitting in but then I remembered that I too went through that stage in Elementary school. I had to get in that mind frame again and remember how I would have felt if my mom or dad showed up at my school and embarrassed me OR made things much worse. If I gained anything out of being picked on a time or two it was how to be strong and independant as well as learn right from wrong. I think the more "real" things our kids go through the more they learn about life. So, I talked to my son about how treating people that way is wrong but not everyone knows how to be right all the time. I told him that it will pass and he has to show them that it doesn't bother him and this is just one of lifes burdens. I do believe there is a line that kids can cross though but when it comes to just mean words I told him it only hurts if he gives them the power to hurt him. I told him to just look at them... smile... and walk away. I mean, how will our children ever get through life if they have never had to deal with anyone difficult or mean?
I know it's easier said than done but I truely believe we as parents have to let our kids experience the bad to appreciate the good. So far, raising my son that way has really made him a great kid. Some may call that being passive to problems that happen at school but I call it shaping him to be a better person.
Hope this helps and let me know how things go!
L. K

S.,
I have a 6 year old who is kind of going through the same thing at school. It is one of the hardest things for me to understand, she is a little different, somehow, than the other girls, but she has such a good heart, I hate to see her being shunned by the other girls.

Anyway, not too long ago I was listening to a radio program and there was a lady that had been bullied as a child and that now gives speeches to kids around the country. One of her suggestions was to find other kids for the child to be with outside of the school setting. She suggested getting them involved with an activity in a neighboring town, if necessary, so there would be none of the kids from school there. The kid can then make new friends that won't be influenced by those that already have formed a negative opinion. She said that this can give the kid that is being teased the self confidence to know that it is not just them but really a problem that the other kids have. It will also give them the confidence that they can make friends. It makes sense to me.

My daughter is involved with a gymnastics program once a week and does not seem to have a problem with any of those kids, so I am hoping that this will help her, as well. I will probably try to keep her in some kind of activity like this where she can make her own friends and encourage the friendships that make her feel good about herself. I hope that this helps her to tolerate the way kids at school are behaving and maybe will eventually help them to change their opinion of her, as these school friends are going to be with us for a long while, I'm afraid.

I've had that talk about how a true friend behaves with my older girls as well, many times. I think it is an important and difficult lesson to teach, because as adults, it hurts us when friendships go sour, too.

I know I have not really answered any of your questions about how to handle your current situation, I just wanted you to know that I can sympathize with your situation. It IS heart breaking as a mom to see other kids being hurtful to your child.

I wish you and your son the best of luck!

S.,

I have 2 10 year old boys and there are times that the kids are nice to one and not the other. The more sensitive one, Cody, is usually the one that they pick on - telling him that he isn't good enough to play with them, and like your son it really hurts his feelings - so much so that he would say he had a stomach ache and not want to go to school. During the parent teacher conferences I brought up the subject, which embarrassed him a bit, but he opened up and admitted that they were indeed picking on him. She had no idea and was going to keep a closer eye on the situation and advise the other teachers as well so they could watch it on the playground.

As for the birthday party, maybe call the mom and ask? Let her know that he was invited, then uninvited and now he's confused about whether to come or not, I would also ask about what type of gifts he is wanting???

D.

I feel for you & your son. That is how I was treated in Elementary school. There were lots of 'clicks' in my school. One day 1 group would accept me & the next day I had to find another group to play with at recess. It was hard & I only had one real friend growing up & she went to a different school. Both my husband & I were the 'loners' in school (not in a 'click'). It was hard, but now I would never wish popularity on my boys, b/c they could be influnced into things they shouldn't do (as all kids can). Middle & High school were much better as I met more friends & less 'clicks'. My only freind did turn into a popular girl in High School & her life has been a bit of a downward spiral ever since.
I know this probly doesn't help, but I just wanted you to know that others have gone through the same thing in school & have turned out just fine & emotionally healthy!

God Bless!

Hi S.,

I remember when my son was three and was looking out the living room window and ask "how come nobody will play with me?". He was younger than them and wasn't allowed to play in the street. I got a tear in my eye then too. That was 14 years ago. Both of my sons went through times like that in school and church unfortunately. I wouldn't talk to the parents. I would try to help my son find a friend or two that fits him. Then I would just try to find ways for them to do more things together. Go to anything at school that you can and watch who talks to him. Encourage those friendships.

In life there will be lots of people that just don't like us. (and that we don't want to be around particularly) We need to be able to accept this and move on. People that don't see the benefit of us are the ones missing out. (as we are missing out on the ones we shun)

Both of my sons are friendly with most people but only have a couple of really close friends.

God Bless,
L. B

Hi,

Kids can be so MEAN! My daughter is in first grade and has had problems as well. She has mild autism and has had some kids say she was weird. One issue a teacher brought it to my attention and they discussed the issue with the kids and she said the kids didn't mean any harm and considered my daughter a friend but maybe didn't understand what they were saying or that it hurt my daughter. Another incident was from a classmates sister saying my daughter was weird and I told my daughter to inform the teacher/adult in charge if it happens again because I feel it's unacceptable. My daughter knows that she is not to treat others that way & I don't belive SHE should accept being treated that way. Our school has rules posted about stuff like this so I think they support the kids & parents in issues like this. If it happens at school I would deal with the teacher/school with the issue if it happens outside the school I would speak to the parents however sometimes the parents are part or all of the problem since they may be the example their children have learned from. I hope you find some help or solution it's not right to tear another person down to may yourself feel bigger and it hurts kids so bad when they're treated that way. I think we're just at the beginning of all this with my daughter & I don't look forward to things getting worse or harder as she gets older. She also wears glasses and someone has teased her about them and she doesn't want to wear them now but she has to and she's too young for contacts yet..

Good luck!
L.

I can totally relate to your dilemma. My daughter is in the 2nd grade. For practically most of the year, she's come home upset about something one of her girl "friends" has said at school. It's the, you're my friend today, but tomorrow I might totally ignore you, type of situation. They're so finicky it drives me crazy! And I know it's not just girls who are this way! My friend's son has experienced the same kind of thing as our kids. It's been so hard to see her get hurt and we've also had the talks about how you choose your friends, and how you need to choose wisely, and if kids don't treat you right, they're not really your friend. She seems to understand, but keeps hanging around the same girls. We've just decided that as hard as it is to see your kids hurt, part of growing and maturing is navigating these tough times. She knows whats right and that she shouldn't lay down and let people walk all over her, but that she should also be nice to others even if they aren't nice to her. I guess there's no easy answer other than to be there for them when their feelings get hurt and to provide them with the best advise we have. The way I look at it, at least they're talkig to us!! Some kids don't tell their parents anything! But if we step in and "save the day" they'll learn that mom or dad will always be there to make things okay, and unfortunately, we can't. I'm sure the other boys mom would be equally devastated to hear her son had hurt someone else's feelings. She could be teaching him the exact things we are, yet that boy is going to make his own decisions. We did, however, let our daughter's teacher know what was going on, just so that if there was a situation that she felt she couldn't handle on her own, she knew her teacher would be there to listen, help, or intervene. And there is hope! My daughter seems to have found a girl at school that she can trust and she looks forward to seeing her everyday now! We've prayed most of the year for this! I hope this girl is as good a friend as she's getting:)Sorry for the long response. Hope something in this helped you out!!

Some kids, especially good, sensitive kids, seem to be targets of this type of bullying.
Several things may be happening here:
If the other kids grew up together in a different neighborhood, go to the same church, or have participated in the sam e extra-curricular activities, and your son has not, this could separate him from the pack.
Certain kids are okay by themselves, but can be really rotton when they're with a group.
Suggestions:
If you know the parents and you feel you can talk to them, do so. If you don't know the parents, it can be touchy. Some parents may not handle the situation well, and it can make things worse.
If this takes place at school, talk to the teacher(s). Find out what they've observed and ask them to keep an eye on the situation, maybe they can even find opportunity to separate the pack and put these kids in a situation where they have to work with people who aren't in their group.
Get your son to talk to you more about this situation. What does he see as going on? Does he have any idea why they think he's "weird" or differet?
Is your son involved in any extra-curricular activities? Scouts, sports, church or other activities that he is interested in may make him new friends, build more confidence, etc. Don't over-schedule. One good activity can be quite time-consuming. Try to be a participant in this activity as well. Ask the leader or coach what you can do to help. This way you can observe how things go with the other kids and may give you more insight. If you son is new in an activity, let the adult in charge know what happens at school. Ask them to look out for this problem and ask to keep you posted.
Most importantly, keep the line of communication open with your son. Let him know how truly wonderful he is.

Hopefully there is more than 3 boys in your sons class, i have a third grader and there is only that many boys with the 11 girls. He is one of the cool kids and even if nobody else thinks it he does and to me that is all that matters. I as his mom would want to know if he was bulling or being hateful to another kid. We have talkes about treating others the way you want to be treated but who really knows what they do when mom is not around. I also know that if i got a phone call telling me that my kid was being mean to a kid, my horns would come out and i would be defensive. so let the parents know but use caution. Maybe a card inviting mom and son over for a snack and talk, while there watch the boys and throw it out there. I hope things get better for your guy and remember that in the end what your son sees you doing for him will teach him to do it for himself.

Yes, you should consult with the other childs mother because she may not know what is going on & nor what her child(ren) is doing to affect your son & maybe someone elses kid. You also might look into some programs for your son like the boys & girls club, cub scouts or even a youth sport team of some sort. He deserves the chance to make friends & another good one is a youth group through a church. Good luck & God Bless!

I agree with Kim P. Going to the kid's parents could escalate the insults. Do talk to his teacher and find out how he is behaving in class and if he's doing things that are considered weird or socially unacceptable. If there is something he does, it may be easy to address. Kids at that age are often completely unaware of how they come across to other people.

I also agree with the person who said to work on comebacks to insults. A good comeback can not only diffuse a situation, but can help him gain respect.

I was taunted as a child, especially in middle school. I used to work on good comebacks at home. Having those in my back pocket really helped with the mean kids.

Also, as much flack as I got in school for being smaller than everyone else, and underdeveloped and awkward and dorky and ugly - I managed to live through school, be happy and not succumb to peer pressure. The reason I got through it was my family. My mother thought I was wonderful and beautiful, and so did my grandparents. The adults in my life who meant the world to me were always full of praise and support - even for the things that other people considered weird (my strange sense of humor). My mother also told me that people who make fun of other people are insecure and I should feel sorry for them. There is no reason for someone to make fun of other people if they feel good about themselves. Knowing that shielded me from buying into what kids were saying to me and about me. I knew I was ok.

Lots of kids fall outside of what others deem as normal, but often those kids build more character and grow up to be true individuals, who are proud of who they are.

Hi, S.. I could have cried when I read this! Kids can be so hurtful. My son is turning 8 tomorrow, and I hear stories from him about people saying hurtful things to others. I did not know boys were so cruel in this way- girls tend to be, so I was surprised that boys are too. I am amazed that boys form such strong cliques now also. Have you had boys from his class over, or is he in the Boy Scouts or other activities with other boys? This has helped my son, since boys from his class are in the scouts too. I would not address the boys statement with his parents, but I would call and invite the birthday boy over to your house. Then, he will see that your son is not weird, but his own brother is! I think alot of this is common with this age, as they are learning to pick friends that they share interests with. I know I have to let some things roll off, since I know I am getting only the hurtful part of the story from my son. It usually turns out that there is more to the story than what I know. Ask your son who he really likes in his class and plan some playdates with them over the summer- even including their parents. Once parents find out your family unit is strong, they tend to help out when there are social issues between kids. No parent wants to hear that their child is being called names. I would say the only time to inform the parent is if it happens continuouly, or if the other boy refuses to play with your son (at your house) because of his brothers comments. Good Luck!

Intervening on your son's behalf by going to the other parents is a big mistake! It could actually make things worse for him with the other kids, and he could end up depending on you to solve his problems in the future. Going behind the scenes to talk to his teacher is fine (you should be prepared to find out something about your son and his relationship with other children that you may not like), as long as she/he does not share any of what you discuss with your son or the other children. Children must learn to solve their own problems. It's always good to support your child by telling him that people can be very mean, but you also need to tell him to look for other friends; that not everyone is liked by everyone else. It can be a cold, cruel world out there--even in elementary school--and while experiencing that at an early age is tough, it will make him better able to handle what he'll encounter in the future.