Not Minding...

Something has changed, him. 3 yr olds are a whole subject all their own.
Search Mamapedia and you will find they are discussed more frequently than any other age. You will also find a wealth of information that will help you deal with this age.

You and his dad need to pick a parenting philosophy and stick with it. Love and Logic is a good book and disapline style. There are many others.

When they are babies, you know you need help. You are new to parenting and babies and have a lot to learn. This stage is the same. Get it right here and you will have a great 5yr old. But you have at least two years of crucial parenting right now. You are teaching him how to interact with his world.
What is acceptable behavior and what is not.
What are his responsibilities to you and others.
How to be respectful.
I am not going to lie to you. You are the biggest factor in his success. Educate yourself.

Pretty typical, he's testing his boundaries, very normal for his age. The Tyrannical Three's (almost over for us) have been at least 5 times worse than the Terrible Two's.

Whatever discipline for misbehavior you use it needs to be the same across the board: your home, Dad's and the sitter's, and it needs to be consistent each and every time. Time outs can be increased for repeat behaviors, things taken away for longer or different privileges taken away. What does he truly value?

As far as the hitting, get a handle on it NOW. No one likes a hitter. My guy had a problem with it the first couple of months of preschool (at 3 and 4 months) and it wasn't tolerated from Day 1. Whatever adult he is with needs to take his hands firmly in their own, look into his eyes and say, "We do not hit. We use our voices when we are angry or frustrated." Your son may have a vocabulary of a million words, but he needs to learn to identify his feelings and use those words to voice them, rather than expressing agression, as my guy did. Believe me, he will be a happier child when he can do that.

Don't expect overnight success, training a child takes years, it's an ongoing, repetitive process. But I'd rather work on behavior now than when they're in their teens ;)

In my experience, 3 is the toughest age (at least, until teenagers... I don't have a teenager yet). They really start testing boundaries at that age! Honestly at that age I used spanking/swatting on the butt. It seemed quick, effective, got the point across. I didn't have to do it many times before both my girls got the hint that what I say goes. Once they were a little older, I used reasoning/talking/consequences, so I haven't spanked in a while, but at that age, it seemed appropriate to me. And it worked.

How you administer time outs and taking away things is even more important than doing it. Do you immediately respond when he misbehaves?

First set him up for success. He's over hyper so do you stop him, hold onto his hand or shoulder, and look him directly in the eyes when you tell him to do or not do something? Talking to him across the room does not get his attention.

When he back talks, do you immediately tell him that is inappropriate and ask for an apology each and every time? My grandkids do not respond to time outs. Never have. So we send them to their rooms until they're able to come out, apologize, and do what we asked. It really doesn't matter that they have toys with which to play. The idea is to separate them from their negative behavior, give them a chance to regroup and comply.

Have you trained him not to hit by taking hold of his hand while telling him "we do not hit. Use your words, I'm angry." and then if they hit again, give him a time out or send him to his room.

This is a lesson that has to be repeated over and over. Actually, teaching him to behave is on ongoing process. He will never, as a child, always listen and obey. We have to immediately and consistently give consequences after first teaching them the appropriate way to behave.

Remember he is new to this world, his brain and body are a little bit more mature so he understands a LITTLE bit better now than he did at 2. He's discovered that he does have some power. It's up to us to show him how to use his power which means giving him choices when we can. We can even say, you can choose to pick up your toys now or sit in the time out chair for 3 minutes. Then enforce his choice.

Do these things calmly, without anger or frustration, as much as possible. When we get angry and yell or use an angry tone of voice, the issue becomes emotional which makes learning difficult.

When you take things away be sure that taking the thing away is related to the misbehavior. If he doesn't pick up his toys, then you pick them up and they go away for a specific period of time. Or if he throws a toy, it goes away. But if he's back talking, don't take away a toy. The two are not related. He only learns that you take away toys. He doesn't learn how to behave.

I highly recommend books with Love and Logic in the title. They're written by Foster Cline. I also recommend 1,2,3 Magic.

Potty training may be causing some of this. How are you training him? Do you and/or him get frustrated, intense over making sure he gets to the potty on time or that he never have an accident? Is he actually ready for potty training? Many 3 year olds, especially boys, aren't ready by 3.

Parenting a child takes a lot of personal one on one attention. We cannot expect a 3 yo to immediately drop what he's doing, listen, and comply. We have to get his attention and see that he follows thru. We have to give consistent and immediate consequences when he doesn't behave. If he's not listening, we have to get his attention. If he out and out refuses we need to guide him into doing it. It helps to be involved with him to get him started in doing what we ask. We cannot say, go brush your teeth or go pick up your toys and expect him to do it without some help from us.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

Three is a tough age. Sometimes tougher than the "terrible two's".

Something HAS changed. He's trying to get your attention by acting out. You need to talk with him - not TO him - and ask him what's going on.

WHY are you talking back to me?
WHY are you hitting? We use our words, not our hands.

You and your ex-husband (?) need to be on the same page and consistent with parenting. He can't be allowed to do one thing at your house that would get him in trouble at his dad's house and vice versa.

When did the split/divorce occur? If it's just been in the last few months - that could account for his acting out as well.

Potty training - if they are not ready - is a huge factor as well. If he's not giving you the cues that he is ready - then do not push him. I know that it's hard not having him potty trained but pushing him will only create discourse in the family.

You need to be consistent. It's hard. I know. You need to talk with his daddy and find out if anything has changed at his house - a W. coming over? ANYTHING that might have caused him to be upset. Then you BOTH need to come to an agreement on discipline and routine. If he's NOT allowed to play a certain game at your house - then it can and will confuse him to play that game at his dad's house. You both need to be on the same page!!! Can't say that enough!

Keep it Simple. But TALK WITH HIM... get down on his level...don't stand above him. Look him in the eye and LISTEN when he answers you. Help him talk this out.

Good luck!

It's normal at this age for toddlers to start trying to push the envelope. He's looking for boudaries so be very clear and firm with your expectations and discipline. You will find that if you are, the next 10 years will be much easier than they otherwise would be.

I firmly believe that children get their "platform" of discipline within the first 3 years. After that, we are building off that platform. The better platform, the better the next 10 years will be. My GD's father was very strict with her from birth to age 3. As a result, she is one of the best behaved children I know! NEVER any back talk, NEVER any hitting, NEVER openly difiant. Why? Because she was taught not to and she KNEW what the consequences were and now that good behavior is just part of who she is. I am raising her now and take my hat off to her dad just about EVERY DAY.