I was stunned to recently learn that I am not invited to a close friend's baby shower. I've known this friend for at least 9 years, and we've been in a cooking group together, have worked and traveled together, and I attended her wedding. She and her husband just borrowed my crib and other baby items, and I asked if she was being thrown a baby shower. She responded that she was, but made no mention for me to save the date. The next day, she sent me a thank you e-mail for the baby items and said she hoped I would visit her after the baby was born. There was no mention of the shower. I asked a mutual friend to subtly find out if I was invited, to which my expectant friend responded, "No, because I didn't want to obligate her (me) to buy me a baby gift on top of loaning me the baby items." What?!? She could have invited me and asked me not to bring a gift, etc., but I think that was just a poor excuse for slighting me. She didn't say that the guest list was limited and even it it was, I expected to be invited since I thought we were close friends and that she would appreciate borrowing my baby items. I am deeply hurt and wanted some advice --- should I just let this go and accept her "true colors" or gently confront her with my feelings? This seems so unlike her to do this, as she has included me in her other special events. Maybe I am taking this way too personally, but I could use your advice. Thank you so much!
Ladies, I can't thank you enough for your wonderful advice and encouragement! If I had the time, I would individually write you with my gratitude. Well, I took your advice and called my friend to express my feelings since it was really eating me up. I tried not to beat around the bush or put her on the defensive, and she was very receptive to what I had to say. She felt badly that I felt slighted, but I could tell that this wasn't her intention when she explained that she didn't want to make a big deal of the shower and was keeping the guest list to her local friends. She didn't even invite her mom and sisters! My friend explained that I had given her so many baby items that she truly didn't want to burden me further, but later admitted that she should have invited me and allow me to decide if I wanted to attend. It was helpful to understand her thought process, although I think she could have considered more carefully about who to invite. She told me that she valued our friendship and preferred having one-on-one time with me .... which was something she doesn't do with many of the shower guests. I got a sense also that the guests are a cliquish group that prefer to socialize among themselves --- interesting. Anyway, I feel much better clearing the air, understanding her thought process, and hearing her affirm our friendship. Ladies, thanks again for your listening ears and caring support; you are amazing!!!
A., you need to call her and confront the situation - it's eating you up and the best thing to do is deal with the issue head on. Just call her and ask her if she's okay, since you've been worried that something is wrong since you did not get the shower invite.
Good luck - call her.
Hi A.
I would ask her directly, let her know your feelings. Sometimes women do things that they think are doing something for the right reasons by how they think they would feel but then forget to look at all the sides of the coin to be sure they are not in fact stepping on toes. It is my bet she just dosent want you to feel like she is asking way too much. A babyshower to most, is just a party for gifts to be given for the baby and you have given way more than just the small bundle she would expect for a shower. Look at it the other way, maybe she respects you tons and feels that an invite is just asking too much. Keep in mind too that hormones are ruling her world and making her over protective in many respects...A simple open and honest chat should clear this right up....and DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL, jeesh, we do that too much these days!!
HUGS TO YOU DEAR< NOW GO AND CHAT WITH YOUR FRIEND>
C.
I think it was rude and incondiserate of her not to invite you! And I would be hurt too, if it was me, no you are not taking it personally, you just saved the alot of money by letting them borrow your crib, ect... I would ask her if there was an oversite. Be very nice about it, like you haven't even spoke to the mutual friend. See what her response is and go from there, let her know that you are hurt that she did not include you and see what she says. Let her explain her reasoning and then explain your feelings, if her reason isn't satisfying to you, then just realize she was never a good friend to you as you have been to her. I am sorry you are having to go through this you sound like a very kind hearted generous person who should be treated with a little more gratitude! Hope it all works out for you!
Hi A.,
I would ask her in a polite & non-confrontational manner, just explaining that you were hurt.
As a side note, and it may apply or it may not, but I just had my baby shower and realized that I had forgotten multiple people. As we all know that when we're pregnant, we forget a TON of things so my brain was fried, I missed some of my co-workers, some of my family and a couple of my closest friends. I felt horrible when I realized my mistake because they weren't at the shower, and am in the process of sending an apology out to each of them for my oversight. It may have just been a mistake on your friends part.
Good luck.
B.
A.
I would feel incredibly hurt as well. You know this person best, what would happen if you confronted her? Would it be something better left alone? ANd if you did just leave it at that, how would that affect you? If it is one of your close friends, then it is worth bringing up to her, and if she IS in fact that close to you, she will appreciate you bringing it up instead of having it in the back of your mind for a while and being hurt about it. I am hoping that it is a minor oversight (although I know that's a stretch to believe that it is) I think there is a very tactful way that you could express your feelings, and let her know how her decision made you feel (So you wouldn't have this thought festering in you and making you uncomfortable) and possibly clear the whole thing up! HOwever, if she's not really that close of a friend, it's not worth the trouble for either of you....
You know your situation best...I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that it was a case of "pregnancy brain" on her part and just forgot...
Hello,
I would talk to your friend directly and ask her about the shower. I am sure the mutual friend is extremely honest, but its always good to hear something from the horse's mouth. Maybe in talking with her, she will understand you would not take an invitation as an obligation to buy her a gift. Sometimes we make quick(un-informed) decisions not realizing how they make other people feel or affect them and this may be the case with your friend.
Hopefully it was just a misunderstanding and everything can be resolved. Best of luck to you.
I totally understand how you feel. Step back and ask yourself which is more important to you: your friend or you being slighted. As an akward recepient of gifts and fanfare when I got married and when we welcomed our daughter, I may have made similar mistakes though I tried very hard not to. Please overlook that you were slighted (and you were but I'm quite sure not intentional) and show compassion to someone like me who is just trying not to take advantage of someone they really care for and respect. A., as odd as it sounds, I'm sure it was out of concern for putting you out by possibly requiring you to give yet again, she made this mistake. If she learns about how she actually hurt your feelings rather than sparing your feelings, she'll really feel badly. Hang in there. I've been on both sides and it stinks. I'm sure after you think about it, you'll realize the relationship is more important than your hurt feelings.
I agree with the last reponse. you are not out of place to ask why and you need to. i would feel hurt as well.
A.
Your friend sounds a little like a self centered person. First of all who throws themselves a baby shower? Weird? It sounds like she just wants the "cool" kids at this party. Anyway, your friend sounds like someone who you may want to disconnect from because you might get hurt a lot from her. Just my thoughts on the situation. She probably is not worth being upset over.
B.
Actually, I have a few friends who are so meaningful to me that I really do selfishly want them "all to myself" rather than having them visit me with a group of friends. When they are here in a group setting, I sort of miss out on that special "one on one" with them, ya know? With others around, they are a little hesitant to completely be themselves, and then I end up missing out on 'real' them, especially if they can only visit me once or twice a year. Plus, I am always just a little self-conscience in group settings, even though I enjoy group settings, and so they are not really getting all of me either, so the one on one is much better and more fun. Just some thoughts.
D. N. xo
A. i would be hurt as well especially if she was a close friend, but unfortunately true colors do come out in a person that is close to us. I think you should talk to her and let her know how you feel about it, and let her know that she could have handle differently, If she gets mad at you for being honest at least you will feel better to get it off your chest, but if she is really a good friend she will apolize for what she have done. Sometimes people don't relize what their doing or how much they hurt other people sometimes. Good luck to you and i hope your friendship will be strong enough to work through the problem.
A.- You cannot control someone else's thoughts and judgment but, if it were me, I would have invited you and said the following..."You have been such a good friend and given me so much, so I want you to come but please do not bring another present. However, the shower would not be the same without you there". That is just me! I experienced the same thing lately with a friend who came to my daughter's Bat Mitzvah and did not invite me to her wedding. She said it was just family and one or two long-time friends. To this day, it still bothers me a little but I am moving past it. I only mention it because I know how you felt! Be well and move on! All the best. D.
You know, when you are having a baby you are not limited to having only one shower. Get together with another friend and throw her another shower - this one for really close friends. And invite her mother and sisters for crying out loud. A friend of mine just threw one for her first grandchild. She had it after he arrived and new mommy, new daddy, and the baby all attended. We had a great time and it was fun to see the baby.
Dear A.,
If you were not invited to the shower, this woman most likely does not consider you a “close” friend. Her reasons for NOT inviting you are pathetic and flimsy. (she didn’t want to “burden” you further….she didn’t want to make a “big deal” out of the shower…she prefers to spend “one on one” time with you.) You called her, and she was caught off guard and probably embarrassed.
I’m pretty sure that you did not consider your generosity to this woman a burden. I’m equally sure your feelings are probably still hurt.
When I read your message, I immediately thought of a friend of mine, with whom I mostly spend ONLY “one-on-one” time with. I do like this woman, but she is prone to monopolizing the entire conversation and simply “must” be the center of attention at all times, no matter what occasion. If we are in a restaurant, she feels compelled to introduce herself to perfect strangers and what ever the topic of conversation is; it “always” ends up about her. No matter how fine the restaurant is, she “always” finds something to complain about.
I have tried to include her at social and family events (because she has so few friends and no family in the area.) She is usually invited once and never again. I asked my sister if I could invite her to Thanksgiving dinner, and got an immediate NO, citing all the above.
My friend is a generous and loving person, but can only be taken in small doses. I don’t know you, but I wanted to mention my experience with a friend, who considers me a “close” friend because I care about her and try to keep in touch at least twice a month. If anything sounds familiar, it may be something to ponder and might help avoid future hurt feelings. I would strongly recommend, in future, if you are not invited to a party, don’t call and ask why. Also, if your crib has sentimental value, I would reconsider “loaning” it out.
I am very sorry your feelings were hurt.
Blessings…….
I would not be happy either; regardless of whether you have given her plenty doesn't mean she shouldn't have invited you. This seems quite odd to me.
You definitely should have been invited and as you said, she should have told you not to bring a gift. Knowing you, you probably would have brought one any way; but who cares. Doesn't she know that you are expressing joy for her in this exciting time.
I wonder about people some time.
