Not Agreeing

I would explain to your husband that you love both him and his son and you do all you do because you want the best for them both. Alot of the time, this approach is better than fighting and yelling. I would lay it all out on the table. You are acting as a mother to this teenager when it comes to providing for him and you expect him to allow you to act as a mother to him when it comes to discipline and decision making. Would he override his son's mother if they were together? With the step-daughter only being 20 and already having 2 kids of her own, would make me question my parenting skills if I were him. You can't be a mom when it's convenient for everyone else. It's a full-time job and in order for your step-son to respect you, your husband has to respect you. If he didn't feel you were capable of handling his son, he should have never married you. You have a right to have your opinion heard and taken into consideration. I have 4 children of my own and my husband has 2 boys that live with us as well as a daughter that lives with her mother and we work as a team to teach them right from wrong and we sit down and decide if they can or can't do something they are asking. When you two decided to get married, he became both your child, not just his anymore. Children are a packaged deal. Communication with your husband is the key because if your step-son sees you two fighting all the time over parenting, he will continue to try to keep that friction between the two of you in order to keep the spotlight off him. In order for any family especially a "blended family" to work, there has to be COMMUNICATION and RESPECT. Without it, there will never be peace and harmony in the household. Good luck.

I would tell him that you have a child together and you don't want your child to act like that. Make it known that the same rules need apply to the 15 year old that applies to everybody else in the house and that you're not going to kiss this 15 year old's but just because it's his kid and if you have to do everything yourself then you might as well be by yourself. Either he gets his priorities in order or you and your son are gone.

you're in a hard situation for sure. it IS your house, too, but if you step back a little, you'll argue less. I'd seriously recommend family counseling. you don't want to get to the place where your marraige is at risk because of fighting over a teenager. the 15 year old is going to see the fighting and try and use it to his advantage. that's what my stepson did at that age. although, i got my stepdaughter at the age of 9 (she's 17 now) and i ended up being more of a parent to her than her dad did.
good luck

K.,
I am a step mom of a 16yr old who has lived with us for the past 8yrs. My husband and I generally agree on how to parent, but when we don't I voice my opinion to him in private, but he has the final say. I can normally tell that my input has influenced his decisions even if he does not acknowledge it. In general we have basic house rules that everyone has to follow and Isaiah knows that his father will back me on any decisions I make (even if in private we disagree). This helps alot. Also, his mother is not involved on a daily basis due to living in another state. I think this makes a huge difference. If his mother was more involved I would probably step back a little. I think since Isaiah and I have a good relationship it makes it easier for both of us.

K.,
I have not been in your situation yet but I do know one thing is that you and your husband need to sit down and talk about rules for your house and how you feel about what he is doing. You need to let your husband know that the way he is with the 15 yr old that your 10 yr old thinks it will be ok for him too. You need to come up with some ideas that will help him understand what you are feeling and how it is affecting you and your son too.

K. you just need to have a talk with your husband tell him how you feel. Then give him the choose to either letting you in on the decesions or the 15yr old will have to start fending for himself. (Cleaning, washing, cooking, etc..) You've been married for 8yrs now, he has to respect your input.

My mother and her husband had this same problem with his children. What worked for them was sitting down together and making "house rules" that apply to all of the children (keeping in mind age differences). They wrote them out and posted them on the refridgerator so that everyone could see them and be reminded. It really helped because the kids didn't feel like their step-mom was "making up rules" just to be mean. It also helped their dad be more consistant in his parenting role.

The trick is for you and your husband to agree on house rules. You might want to start small. Create a cerfew for your sons, define chores they are expected to do, put on paper the amount of television/video games/movies they are allowed to watch. These simple things (even if they have already been established) can be the bridge to more complicated issues.

Hello K., I have been in my step daughters life for 10 years now but I have only been her step mom for 8 years, but you I had to learn some rules just like she had to learn some rules. Yes this was her father and my house and what we said goes here and if she didn't like then don't come back it what I told her and that made for a messy relationship between the ex,the stepkid,me,and the hubby. But I voiced my myself because I am an opionated woman and I hold nothing back and I will flat tell you what I think and if you don't like the rules of this house then go else where if you think it is better. Well, After a few years of battling and both the step daughter and I growing up and stop bickering and trying to show one another who was going to do this and that well now I could not have a more beautiful relationship with her... it is like the past never happened.
At times there were things she would want and I would tell her daddy no she can't get that because we have the other 2 to think about also he would be like uh uh... you know typical male... and then when the discipline came oh excuse my mouth but oh hell he would not even dare lift a finger to do any of that to her, so I had not only be the bad wicked step mom but the disciplinary person as well, and that was even worse, so she just thought I was horrible and you can see why since daddy didn't do anything and do this day he will not discipline her I do it.... just not to long ago she had gotten into trouble with her mom and her mom and get along very well and when I say this I mean well!!!!! Ok, just a month ago she had gotten into trouble over something and had to come to our house and stay for the weekend and she had walked in the back door after her mom and gave her mom a dirty look and I jumped her butt about that and she (the stepdaughter) sassed talked me and I jumped her in front of her parents and neither one said a thing to me, and so her mom left and I had a long talk with her and I seriously got her butt good and chewed her she is 17 as well and I told my hubby the same thing his ex wife told me he needs to grow a back bone and he said yeah to get away from you I said ok theres the door buddy. I said the only reason you are mad is because I said something to you about discipline your kid and you will notdo it at all anytime never I mean never all you do is sweet talk her so somebody has to do it for you and you have a wife that is going to do it for you and then I told him that my 2 daughters and his 1 daughter which I then in turn said our 3 daughters are not going to turn out like these idiots out here on the street they will have respect for others and manners and if I ever here or see disrespect from any of them any where oh they better duck and run cause mom is comin'.
I guess K. you could say in this house I live in since I am the strong voice the opionated one who stands up and holds my on I run the house but when my husband has enough then he takes the reins but he has to get mad to do it and that isn't often, so I discipline the girls and I sometimes ask for his in put but not to much cause he babies them to much for me, I was raised by a Marine Drill Staff SGT. daddy so I am strict and I do give them space but they know what mom means.
I wish you the best and hope all goes well.

K.

I have been and am still in a similar situation...my step son is also 15, and my son is 14, my husband and i have fought about how to discipline the boys, and how we discipline is different we have only been together 3 years...i tend to voice my opinion, and i dont think you are wrong to tall him how you feel...i think if he lives with you whether you are the step mom it doesnt matter you are still his guardian, and have a say in how he is raised and what he does as long as he is under your roof...just maybe try to present it to your husband, that you dont feel this is right and why ...let him know this is just your opinion and let him know you feel the need to voice your concerns, and hope he will consider them...you dont want to but in too much as the step parent, but yet it is your house to, and you dont want your younger son to see him getting away with things and thinking he cantoo...hope this helps...that is how i handle the things with us and the kids...and we have many different opinions when it comes to how we raised our kids...feel free to email me if you want and we can talk more

L.