I have a three and a half year old who is very "nosy", he needs to be right next to me the minute I pick up the phone, listens to conversations by getting very quiet, sneaking around the corner, etc. I am the step mom who spends the majority of the time with him, his mom feels that all she needs to do is talk to him about everything, no time outs etc, just "has a great relationship with him through communication", I'm all for communicating with him but hes a toddler and needs some structure, I just am unsure of how to deal with the nosiness? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Right now I ask him to go play when I am on the phone and he decides at that moment he needs to "be with me", I do not have adult conversations around him, I send him to play when he follows people down the hallway when they are going to bathroom and he wants to know what they are doing, and I send him to play when I am on the computer. I answer questions he asks when I feel they should be answered (i.e. appropriate kid questions). I play with him, talk to him, hug him so he is not lacking attention from me. Thanks for the help, just curious?
I so appreciate all the feedback, I have been in his life since he was thirteen months old and have raised five children of my own, plus have a two year old grandson I also watch every day. I have honestly not run into issues with my kids parroting conversations to the degree he does, he is extremely smart, I am in total love with him and he is like my own son, yes not being valued as a parent because I'm his "step MOm" is not easy but I it's not with him it's with the way the world sees step parents, I am also a child of divorce and I know the value of good relationship between the parents, my mother was not ideal and my step mom is more of a MOm than my own was, I respect and have a great relationship with his mother for him. I was more looking for whether it's typical and ways to work through it with him, since there are other people who are on my case because he is so "nosy" I wanted to get affirmation that it is what I believed, normal and that I was handling it appropriately. I appreciate all the feedback, know that I love and adore him, and that there is no difference between my kids and him, except I'm a heck of alot older and more patient! :-) I am who his mom choose as day care, they share fifty fifty custody, two days on three days off alternating every other week, I respect his mom and adore his dad, he is an added gift. Thank you for all the advice.
He sounds like a toddler, T.. Like every toddler I have ever met. They have no concept of privacy and are on you like a shadow. This isn't a discipline issue-- just the reality of living with toddlers. You have to *teach* them things like "Private time! I use the potty by myself. I'll see you in two minutes." and then praise-- 'thank you for waiting'.
Try to find a book on child development-- this is very common.
This isn't a nosy child... this is a normal 3.5 year old. At that age, kids simply want to be with you and know what you're doing. They don't have the boundaries that adults have, nor are they capable of developing them. You're doing just fine by trying to engage him in play before you start a phone conversation... but you need to realize that no matter what you do, he's three and a half and whatever you are talking about on the phone is more interesting that entertaining himself. Same thing for people going to the bathroom. He'd rather follow them than come up with something to play. And that is NORMAL. It's not something to punish or correct. Sure, you can gently direct him to where you'd rather he be... but past that, you're stuck. He'll outgrow it in a year or two.
welcome to mamapedia, T.!!
This isn't a nosy child, this is a TYPICAL child. Sorry - but 3 kids later - yeppers - the minute you are on the phone, the minute you want to go to the bathroom, whatever it is you WANT to do? They are in your face. That's normal.
He's three years old - sounds normal to me.
He's too young to be "nosy" He's probably just lonely and trying to figure out why he is with you and not his mother. Your letter is nicely written-but I'm picking up a strange vibe-like you haven't totally "bought in" to the step mom gig. He's a baby-were he a good bit older and able to recount your phone conversations and such-yes, he would then be considered nosy.
Baby gates and closed doors.
I haven't gone to the bathroom alone in years. If it's not one of my kids, it's one of my cats. Sometimes it's even my husband, but at least he knocks. :)
I suggest you get a book like 123 magic. Kids can learn that different households have different rules. You can tell him, "I'm on the phone. Please go play." Or "Please wait a minute." You can also say, "SS, Daddy doesn't need your help in the restroom." And then redirect him to something else. My DD used to lurk outside the door, especially when SD was home. I told her to give SD some privacy. I still tell DD when it's not her business or when she needs to wait b/c I'm on the phone. It will take time for him to learn what's appropriate in each home/ in society.
I'm a veteran SM of 10+ years. My DH was custodial. I'm a little irritated that another poster said that you haven't "bought into" the SM gig. I think you have...but that it's hard and it's not the same as having a child of your own, even if you love the stepchild and parent them from a young age. I think there is nothing wrong with instilling some boundaries that work for you and your household. You don't need to do everything just like his mom....or his dad.
Thank you for the responses, this helped me quite a bit. It reaffirmed what I figured anyway, and just want to add a note I am in no way upset with him, I just wanted to be sure I was handling this the right way so I can let other people who think I should handle it different know it's normal, I'm honored he wants to be with me so much:)
He's developmentally a pre-schooler and by that I mean he learns by listening and experiencing the world around him. If you truly want to have a private conversation I suggest you do it in your bedroom with the door closed or in the bathroom.
This is the natural thing for him to be doing. He's learning all sorts of things by being interested in his environment.
Ok now that everyone has told you this is normal, here are some actual options for you,.
You could tell the person on the phone you will call them back later, and then call them when he is napping.
You could place him in his room with the door closed. You could go to your room with the door closed..
See if you can email the person. Text them..
My daughter had a hard time with boundaries and privacy at that age. Her older siblings were at school and she would follow me like a ghost. I ended up playing a lot of games with her pertaining to privacy-like peekaboo with the door. She had to knock on the door and I answered with really fun peekaboos. It seemed to help and she got a lot better about understanding that sometimes I wouldn't answer right away.
She's now in Kidnergarten and thankfully understands boundaries and respects her classmates. There are times that talking to them only goes so far, showing them through play can be fun.
Excuse me, but 3 1/2 year olds can indeed be nosy. I had a friend whose child was like this. As soon as company came, he'd leave his toys and plant himself in the room and yell "Mommy, no talk! No talk!" As soon as company would leave, he'd ignore his mom and go back to his toys. He wanted to hear every single word the company said and got mad if his mom even looked at the company. Yikes...
You are doing fine expecting him to play some by himself. And giving him boundaries is very important. Continue to do that.
My kid is about that age. He isn't one to shadow me, but he does like to be involved in phone calls. I've taken to telling him that if he can play quietly elsewhere while on the phone, he gets the privilege of hanging it up. (pushing the red end button). It seems to be working for now.
Best,
F. B.
He isn't "nosy," he is curious. This is how he learns. He is learning vocabulary, non-verbal communication, appropriate behaviors, how the world woks, etc.. All of his questions are about learning and should be answered. There aren't inappropriate questions only inappropriate answers. A small child doesn't ask questions to be a bother, to be nosy, to be in someone's business, etc. They developmentally don't have that capacity. They are just wired to learn therefore they will ask lots and lots of questions. A child learns by exploring their environment, observing, asking tons of questions, and paying close attention to how the adults around them behave.
I also recommend 1-2-3 Magic.
