NO To Babysitting!

"Oh, Friend, that's a nice idea, but my parents would skin me alive if I took the kids to anyone else! They just love their special time with the grandkids."

Just say, "I'm sorry, but Johnny is a handful and I don't think I have the energy to keep up with him! Sorry! 😁"

I would do it once, and then the next time they ask just say "Sorry, but Jr. didn't listen to me at all last time I had him." Then you can say you gave it a shot.

Just be honest. - I had/have this kid your are describing. Avoiding the parents or the question is hurtful. Honesty is the best policy.

Lee:

If these people are friends? You need to tell them the truth. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, it will be awkward. But they need to know how you feel so they can either try and correct the problem or decide they don't want to be friends anymore....

IF they don't get a clue because FAMILY won't watch their kids - they need a wake up call. Unfortunately, it sounds like you might need to give them that wake up call.

Tell them EXACTLY what you told us. We love spending time with you guys outside our home. We feel that Mikey has problems that we cannot handle and do not want him in our home that long. Mikey has hurt our dog, broken toys (we understand that happens) however, there is too much going on with him and we don't feel comfortable having him in our home anymore.

Yes, this conversation will be hard. Yes, it might hurt them. However, they need to get their "wake up call" from someone.....

Good luck!

We have had couples bring up the babysitting swap with us before. We just said no thanks and that our babysitting is covered. We use family or pay a sitter.

If you and your husband are both on board then this is an easy one. You just bring it up to your friend that you both talked about it and there isn't a need because you have family to watch your kids. End of story.

Could you just sort of laugh it off with a "oh, we already have that covered, but thanks anyway!" ?

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If you really want to do them a kindness, and have tough skin so you can handle any repercussions despite how you don't want to hurt their feelings, then you could do what AV suggested, and go ahead and specifically mention his behavior issues. It is easy to deny if no one confirms that THAT is, in fact, the reason nobody will help them out with their kids. How exactly you would word something that might take it beyond that (like, "have you had him tested?") would probably be sure to sour the relationship. But at least if you open the door with "we can't handle his behavior" they might start thinking that maybe there is something "off" there.

Maybe if they at least acknowledge his hyperactivity (lip service to no candy/caffeine) then you could go so far as to say something like: "His behavior is more than we can handle for that amount of time. Have you ever thought about an evaluation or trying any medication?"

It's risky, but at some point, they are going to have to face it. If you don't want to be the one to do it, then just stick with the facts: We just can't handle him.

Considering there could be issues driving the boy's behavior I would have talked to them long ago about what is going on.

You have to figure the boy has the same parents as the girl, two kids parented the same, it tends to be structural issues causing the problem.

Sorry, kind of dancing around saying has he been tested for, well a couple mental disorders come to mind. All of them represented by my children...

You can say, "That isn't going to work for us, sorry." If they already know that there is a problem with the boy's behavior, you can cite that, too. "Your son is destructive and difficult to handle. I'm sorry, but I do not feel comfortable watching him."

I also like Momma W's response. Simple.

I would be honest and say it makes you too tired when you watch all of the kids yourselves. No need to single out the one child that way and it's the truth. Many families don't do sleepovers or watch other peoples kids, because it really is a lot of work.

I'm going to be devil's advocate. They are asking YOU because you are "good friends." They obviously need a break. Would it really be that horrendous to do it say once every six weeks? If you know it's coming, you could put together some things for the kids to do that would entertain the boy I'm sure.

I just feel for these parents who don't have anyone else to help them out. I'm sure they are exhausted too.

I would just tell them you're not interested. Honesty is the best policy.

It really sounds to me like their son is a good candidate for having ADHD. Our son was like that when he was younger and still is at 10 years old when his medication isn't active. Completely exhausting, hyperactivity x1000, total lack of impulse control.

Since it sounds like they haven't done a thing to address their son's issues, you may be doing them a huge favor as good friends to be honest when they ask. "I feel awkward saying this at all, but figured you'd want honesty. We really just don't feel capable of managing your son's extreme hyperactivity. We'd really worry we couldn't keep him safe." That's being honest, while also showing concern about their son.

Good luck!

If they are such good friends, why haven't you already asked what does their pediatrician think of his behavior? What do his teachers think? Ask them if they are worried? Let them know kindly that you are worried about how he will succeed in school and you are concerned about the stress the parents must be under. If they were raging alcoholics would you just pretend they weren't? I know it's a diff situation- but either you care about this family OR you care about them liking you.

Have a nice chat with them.
Explain you just can't handle their son in your home.
You owe it to your kids, and your pets to protect them.
If they continue to press you, just smile and say "Sorry! Not going to happen!".
It's possible they might be in denial that he has a problem.
They really might cling to that denial - to the point where they cut you off rather than face up to the fact their son needs some sort of evaluation or help.
They are going to go through this again and again until he either gets some help or he grows up and moves out.
They might ride this merry go round a long time, but you don't have to.

Personally - I'd back off from the friendship - maybe even end it.
If they have so little regard for you, your kids, your pets and your home (their behavior at ignoring their son while he's acting up) - I wouldn't want them as friends in the first place.

I've seen my BFF's 4 year old monster sitting on their kitchen table, NAKED on several occasions. Need I say more? I feel your pain, but I love my friend.

I'd let her know the truth. Say, honestly, we love your kids but little Bobby is a lot to take on for an entire night. Perhaps you can just do a few evening hours over at their house so when he wrecks it, it's their stuff.

Also, what about getting a sitter to help you out. I know it will cost you but at least it will keep you sane.

As much as I want you to keep hold of your sanity, friends are very important. You never know when something comes up where you really need their help.

Say that you have agreed that we are not having sitters outside of the family, but thanks for the idea, maybe you can ask another family to do that with you.

ETA: Ya know Leelee... this is just a mess of an issue. The parents seem to have nothing in common, parenting wise, with you or your kids.
Their son, is a "brat." And if he has other issues, who knows. Its not like you can tell them to send their kid to a Psychologist or tell them to take parenting classes.
They don't do anything to correct their boy. He will be this way. And is. And it will not suddenly improve. Meanwhile, he wreaks havoc in your home and onto your kids and the dog and your property.
So, do you sacrifice your home/your kids... to their son? Or not?
With a friend I had, her own parents, did NOT want to babysit her son. Yah, that 8 year old boy that broke something in our home. Even her own parents, did not want to babysit him. Because, he is a ball of trouble. And the Mom does nothing about it. Then she gets all offended, when someone does tell her like it is, with her son.
Oh well is what I say.
I ain't gonna let my own kids or my home, get damaged by him.
Even other parents say he is just TROUBLE.

OH and your friends... want to bring their DOG OVER TO YOUR HOUSE TOO???? What the hell?
Just say no.
They are users. They are probably just wanting a break from their own son... and their dog and their daughter. And they think that "you"... will give in.
Do not let them use you this way.
What next? They are going to have you watch their kids AND the dog... and then go on vacation out of town themselves???
And want you to babysit?
Um, no. Way.

**And the other thing is: even if you DO go along with it and switch off babysitting with them.. would you even want your own kids to be at their house for them to babysit your kids and have your kids sleep over at their house?
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You know, if that were me and I was in your situation:
I would, since they are "friends"... I WOULD tell them that I simply cannot handle their boy.
With my friends, I can say that.
And, IF there happens to be a kid at our house, that is like that boy... then *I* do, correct the child and treat him like my own.
I do not let it, continue.
My friends, KNOW that.
But fortunately, we do not have friends kids that are like that.
Only once, did that happen. But the Mom of the boy, just chose to ignore her son's bad behavior. And even if her own family tells her that her boy is so difficult, she chooses to just, let him be that way.
We don't invite them over, anymore.
Her boy actually BROKE a very expensive item in our home. And the boy is 8. It was not, an accident.

Really Leelee.... you do NOT have to.... babysit their kid.
Just tell them.
And unless you want to be their son's "Social Worker".... then you need to, just say, no.
I personally would NOT do that.
Nor give in to their "hints" about babysitting and definitely NO sleep overs. With, their kids.
Who knows what the boy's problem is. It is not your "burden" to figure out. You are not his parent.
And it could just be, that he is just, a trouble maker.

When he is like this at your home... do you not, TELL the parents what he did? ie: hurts your dog, breaks your child's toys, slams doors, jumps on furniture, makes big messes everywhere??????
If that were me, I would tell the parents AT the time that they came to pick him up.

**ETA: and perhaps, their own family doesn't want to babysit her son either, because of the way he is.
I REALLY would NOT... get into the habit... of "babysitting" their kids or having them over for play-dates.
I would not, personally, have a kid over at my house, that is so disruptive and damaging, to my own kids and our belongings.
And I would say, in a kind manner, that I cannot handle their son. And that with my own kids, it is too much.
And STICK to your guns. Don't let them... finagle you into it.

"oh, that's not going to work for us. We are lucky to have family close by to watch our kids in the evenings. Maybe ask your family or check on care.com or something?"
"oh please? it would be great!"
"We love getting together at the park/beach/playground, but we like the kids to stay with our parents in the evening." (said with a smile)
If they keep on asking, then you get to be more blunt.
"I am sorry. Your son is very difficult for us to handle."
L.

Always follow your mommy heart and brain...it is telling you what you should do. You have no obligation to do this if you do not want to.

It could be the boy needs to grow up more. Could be lack of parenting or a different style..or it could be a emotional problem he has, but again, not your responsibility, unless you want to do this.

I have found even though it is hard, to just say. I am not great with kids that are so active. I just do not want to chance our friendship on this if it does not turn out well. How about I help you find a sitter?

LeeLee, I think if it were me having to deal with this, I'd just be honest and put the thing to bed once and for all. "Yeah, I know you've mentioned this several times, but I really don't want to." Have a "go-to" subject ready to turn to.

Now, if she asks you why, just tell her that you love her kids, but her son is too hard to deal with because he jumps all over your furniture and slams doors and won't listen. She really needs someone who loves her say it to her with kindness. You might say to her that perhaps she should talk to her pediatrician about it.

If she gets her nose out of joint, then that's just too bad. Other people are going to be far more direct with her and probably not very nice...

Just say, I'm sorry Mary, Tom and I don't want to do a babysitting swap bc we just can't handle your son. He's too much for us. I hope you don't mind. Maybe one of your friends with a boy his age will be interested in doing this with you. (That way you are kind of putting it on you and not blaming their parenting!) If they keep pushing just say, I'm so sorry...we just aren't interested in doing that. We love hanging out with you guys though!

I think that as long as they are not asking directly, you don't owe them any response to that non-request. If they ask directly, then just tell them that you will use your own sitter or plan a date night with only the grown-ups.

I don't know exactly how your conversation would go. My husband and I are like family with one couple who has twin boys. They put me in a tailspin every time I see them. I've never known any other two children so like the Tazmanian Devil. When they ask when we're getting together and offer to share a sitter, we tell them that we'll plan for an adult night out and leave our son with the people he knows and trusts. When they offer to keep him so we can go out, we thank them and say that his grandmother has first dibs. I always make it about taking my son where we already know that he's happy.

Otherwise, I would suggest that you always meet at a neutral place and try to stay away from their son. I honestly can't imagine somebody insisting on sending their kids to stay at my house.

I agree with wild woman. It won't be easy to deal with this no matter what you do. I know they're friends, but you have to think of your own children and how they're affected and will be even more so as time goes on -- not to mention your sanity.

It may be that these people may want you to be the discipline for their dog and child. Sometimes people want to put their kids on to someone else that will do the work they're not willing to do or cannot do.

They need to get a grip and get it now. It's very telling when relatives don't want to babysit.

Sending the best for a peaceful solution.

He may act differently when they are not around and because you will be stern. However, you do not want to subject your kids to him in his unstructured home. So--no.