No Subject... - Puxico,MO

"How can I help my fiance understand my toddler better?!" You probably can't-but if someone who is a parent-step or otherwise-actual or implied, cares enough, they will pick up a book on parenting (of which there are millions) and study it and devote the rest of their life attempting to apply what they learned. Anyone who feels persecuted by a two year old should get started right away.

Yes--he does sound like he's being an immature jerk--so tell him THAT.
Sad that a someone you're engaged to has so little regard for your child that he can't even learn some basics. If you weren't expecting HIS child, I'd tell you to run far and away!
Hopefully, (since he has shown NO interest in relating to the human already ON the planet) once the baby comes, he'll learn the way most dads do--baptism by fire.
I feel very sorry for your son. PLEASE make sure that child is not slighted.

My concern is that he'll use this new pregnancy as an excuse not to bond better with your current toddler. He'll get to start from scratch with his very own new baby and just let you raise your firstborn. I hope that it doesn't work out that way, but that seems to be where you're headed. I wonder how he became your fiance before being able to connect with your child. I wonder what made you decide that you should choose him as parent for your children. I'm not judging, just wondering what the thought process was. I didn't read above that you actually saw the effort from him before deciding to have a baby together or that you see the effort now. If he already knows everything, then you might not be able to help him. Good luck.

Ditto Krista P.

Except the part that I'm a psychologist. :)

How is your fiancé good with him, but takes typical toddler behavior personally?

I think you might need to ask him to lose the attitude and grow up. If he has an attitude now, it's only gonna get worse when the baby comes.

EDIT: You can also try to tell them that a child isn't a miniature adult and in order for a child to understand politeness and logic an adult has to teach them that. I had to tell my husband this a time or two because he gets frustrated, too. Some people get kids, some people need a little more massaging in order for them to understand how a child works.

i agree with everything Krista said as well.

Get What to Expect, the Toddler Years or similar and go through it together. The other thing is that you/he needs to remember that the child is 2 - and things done or said are not to be taken in the same context as an adult. Parenting is a marathon. It's building a house bit by bit. You don't slap a roof on a house and expect it to stand with no foundation. You might turn to him and say, "So...how's that working for you?" when he gets frustrated. Point out a different suggestion. Show him what works with that child. Kids never get the exact same memo. All prior experience is a guideline.

Everyone is GOOD with kidz as long as they are wonderful, the true colors come out when the child/children misbehave! A thousand book hours of learning don't teach someone how to interact with a living, breathing, misbehavin' toddler!

I don't think ANYONE should be required to hug someone they don't want to hug! Do YOU want to be required to hug someone you'd rather not???? Does your fiancee???

This is YOUR child, YOU have to set boundaries for this man with your child, I would be willing to take bets that unless you & he get your parenting ideas together now that when this new child comes into the picture the arguments are going to escalate to a frenzied state of madness for you!

I do agree that when your son is in a situation, 'to hug or not to hug' that allowing him to simply turn and go in the opposite direction IS disrespectful, you need to explain to him (kindly & alone without interuptions) that he must stay & say hello & then perhaps ask you, 'may I go & play now, mama?' or something along that line, it would help if you could be there with him holding his hand & hug the granma hello or something along those lines.

Congrats on the new baby! Good luck with the situation!

He may be a psychologist, but he's not a CHILD psychologist, is he? If not, then he needs to climb down off his pedestal and admit he doesn't know everything. I suggest taking parenting classes together - Love and Logic sounds like the method that would work for you. Your fiance is out of line with the expecting hugging - I think what you said is correct. There is also a possibility that she wears perfume or something that puts him off that adults aren't as sensitive to. Your son should do as he's told, BUT there are cases like the hugging where what he's being told is just a POWER STRUGGLE and not a "real" issue. Somehow your fiance and you need to get on the same page with this. Parenting and discipline is not about POWER, it's about education - teaching the child to be successful with life skills.

As a psychologist I would think he would know that forcing affection can be harmful. He doesn't want to instil acceptance of unwanted touching, does he? Can you appeal to him logically with this? Tell him that affection should be spontaneous and if he doesn't push the issue the hugs will come.

As for the doing something he is told well, your child should be beginning to learn that. Don't climb on top of the table. Please find your shoes. Let's put your toys away, etc.

The book "What To Expect, The Toddler Years."

Your Fiance has to remember, that HE is the adult, and the child is a child.
The child, is not fully developed... emotionally nor physically.
The human brain, is NOT even fully developed until 26 years old.
It takes, ALL of childhood, for a "Parent" to teach their child, things.

"Expectations" of a child, HAS TO BE, age appropriate.
Otherwise, your Fiance, will continue to be, too hard on the child or your Fiance will continue to get frustrated, and take things personally.

Being a Parent, means, LOVING your child and accepting them, even when they do not do what "you" want. That is what a parent is... it is NOT situational. It means, being there for your child, NO matter what. Good or bad. It is not just "playing" with a child. It means, being a good role-model and teaching your child things, and realizing, that a child is still learning... from you, good or bad. It is a 24 hour, 7 days a week thing.

KEEP in mind, that at 2 years old, the "emotions" of a child is NOT EVEN FULLY DEVELOPED, yet. And they don't even know how to communicate yet. Not even some adults have that ability. A child ALSO needs to be taught... about the "names" for feelings and how to communicate. They do not know how, yet. A parent teaches them that.

A child, is not a dog, that you train or punish, like a pet.
It is a child. A human being.
Your Fiance, CANNOT expect, a child to be, a robot.

HE has to, learn to parent.
And how to accept, a child for being a child.
Otherwise, he will have a rocky relationship, with his child.
And that is not good.
It will affect, the child in adverse ways.

Your Fiance has to realize... how to be a parent. He is full of expectations... but does not know how... to parent.

Your Fiance ALSO has to realize... that kids make mistakes. Unintentional. NO KID IS PERFECT. That is what childhood is for. To have the parent there for them, and to GUIDE them. Not just expect things.

I really hope, your Fiance does not turn your son into a pent-up frustrated, boy, who can't even say how he feels. Because, your Fiance seems to "quash" your son and a child's natural spirit.
Boys... NEED TO LEARN, how to communicate and how to express themselves. Just like a girl. Otherwise, they will be, rigid pent-up emotionally frustrated, individuals.
The stereotype of boys having to be "strong and silent" is a real detriment.

You said, your Fiance is great with your son, as long as he is behaving. Well, that is really not very nurturing, for your son. It is negative.
Kids... no matter what, has good days and bad days. JUST like an adult. You cannot just "love" a child, only when they are perfect, and reject them when they are not.

Without more specifics, it's hard to know. Is it perhaps just a difference in beliefs with respect to parenting (he's the type who expects more and you are the type to be more relaxed)?

You say he does well with your son, but then you state he takes things personally and has an attitude. Under what circumstances does your fiance's attitude occur? Is it when your son is tired, cranky, or otherwise having a toddler meltdown? Is it in response to the way he perceives your handling of these behaviors? Maybe it's just that he doesn't know how to handle these types of toddler behaviors, or maybe it's that he thinks your son is not being taught or guided toward other more socially acceptable behaviors..... It's just impossible to say without any more information than you've presented here.

You don't say how long you've been together or how long your fiance has been in your son's life. Growing together as a family takes time, and if your fiance hasn't been there from the beginning, he just doesn't have the same history with your son as you do. He probably doesn't do the day-in and day-out parenting that you do and just doesn't have the amount of experience you have. That all just takes time and, well, experience!

If he's truly a "psychologist," meaning he has a doctorate in psychology, it's hard to believe he has no clue about child development. Or, perhaps his degree is in organizational psychology or experimental psychology? I'm a clinical psychologist, and even though the majority of my career has been spent dealing with adults, I had to have years of supervised experience with kids as well as adults during my training.

Regardless of his status as a psychologist, he should be willing to invest the time to do some more reading on toddler behavior and child development, in general, especially since this is his first personal experience with a child. No professional has all the answers. Particularly when it comes to our own children, we often need to take a step back and seek a more objective approach and be open to more information.

For the sake of peace in your family, he should be willing do to this. I say this not only as a mom and a psychologist, but also as a step-mom to three children.

Best of luck to all of you!

J. F.

ETA: After reading your added comments and updates, I believe that you need to have an on-going discussion about your parenting styles. While there are often some individual differences in parenting styles between parents, you do have to be on the same general page and share similar goals for behavior. It's just going to be learning process for you both. It takes time for this to develop and come together.

It sounds like what you are doing is sensible and works now while your son is very young and you are training him to make good choices. However, you should keep in mind that there will be times in the future when your son won't get a second chance (this will come later, for instance, in school) to make the right decision. You will also find that there may be instances where giving him a "second chance" is not appropriate (e.g. he hits or throws something at the new baby). Not saying this will happen, just be prepared for circumstances where you have to correct him without giving him an option or choice. It's all part of learning.

On the other side of the coin, if your fiance expects children to do everything correctly the first time they are told, he is in for a long and grueling time in parent boot camp! : ) Again, with all due respect to his professional achievements, it is just going to take some more personal experience and a willingness to learn more about infant, toddler, and child behavior.

If you two cannot come to some mutual stance on this, I strongly suggest some time with a Marriage and Family Therapist. They are great at helping families blend and set up reasonable, practical goals.

I'm kind of torn on this one.

I do side with your fiance in that your son should do as he's told. I also do not go for this second chance or 1-2-3 garbage. I fully believe that if a child KNOWS he's going to get a second chance, he/she will push it until that second chance every time. You will never have a child who does what he's told the first time. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal now, but he's only two and you have only been doing this for a VERY short time. Wait until he's 13 and for 12 years you've had to say EVERYTHING two times. You won't think it's so lovely then.

As for the hugs, again I side with your finace. The children in our family are EXPECTED to greet all family elders with a hug upon entering a room. Failure to do so will result in a consequence. It's a matter of respect.

We don't expect them to hug strangers so I don't think they will start to believe that unwanted touching is okay and they definitely do not resent hugs, but they ALL greet family elders with hug.

What kind of psychologist would think that forcing a child to give attention and hugs, is healthy? What kind of psychologist takes behavior from a 2 year old personally? Did he not take psychology 101? I mean, come on...that's a total cop-out. Seriously, he KNOWS better. If he doesn't, he needs to find a new career.

With that said YOU and YOUR child were a family FIRST. He does not get to come in and change your family. He gets to come in and FIT into it. Your fiance (please, don't marry this man if he won't be the kind of father he needs to be. Why people procreate with someone who has not shown he can be a consistent parent, I don't know. Different post, for a different time...I suppose.) He gets to LEARN how to be a parent with you, not force his parenting upon your child. He's still taking things personally after seven months. That means, he is NOT listening to you, and co-parenting. That means, he is parenting how he wants, and disregarding the mother of a
child that is not yet his. He and you together, need to sit and have active discussions daily. His expectations of your child, are silly. meaning, your toddler isn't going to be a little adult, and that's what he wants. He can't just be good with him, when it's easy.

**FORCED HUGS ARE NOT RESPECT. They are disrespecting the child. Children need to obey and respect, yes. However, a parent also has to show respect to their child. I don't want to hug people all the time, why should I force my child to hug someone? So long as a child is showing respect by acknowledging and greeting someone, physical contact should never be forced. I worked at an Advocacy center for sexually abused children, and that is one of the first things workers, children, parents, (etc) are taught. Punishing a child for not giving physical contact is wrong. Parents who do this are making a mistake.