No Parent at Preschool Valentines Day Party

When my dd was in preschool, I didn't even realize parents were supposed to come (my first kid),

Then I find out I was the only mom not there. Guilt trip. But My dd was totally okay with it. She's more aware of it now though that she's older. She likes me to come, but at the valentine party yesterday, I was one of the few parents there.

There's a lot of variability especially among working parents.

My experience with this is that it will only be as big a deal as you make it. Just ask was the party fun and leave it at that. party's at daycare at that age last for about 30 minutes. make a craft, maybe play a game, eat a treat and go home. when the kids get to kindergarten there are maybe 2 room moms who help with the party and thats it. don't make it a drama and it won't be.

There were 6 parents that attended my kindergarteners valentines day party today.. there are 24 in the class.

there were 10 parents that attended my first graders valentines day party.. there are 25 in the class.

As Grandma, I've attended many school functions and can tell you that at least half the class does not have a parent or grandparent there. This is the reality of working moms. The moms, grandmoms that are there include the other children in giving them attention.

It does make it harder on your little one because he thought Dad was coming. But it's OK. This won't be the first time he's disappointed. It's good to learn how to handle disappointment. Sympathize with him, apologize and move on.

Don't beat yourself up! I went to my kid's party today and there were quite a few kiddos who didn't have parents show up. Usually if I see a kid feeling bad at a class party, I'll make an extra effort to include him or her with me & my daughter.

Please don't feel guilty.

I was a single, working mom when my kids were in preschool. I attended NONE of these parties. Actually....only a few volunteer moms and dads ever did attend...because there simply wasn't room to have a bunch of parents milling around. Unless there was a note stating that parents should try to attend, I wouldn't be so worried about it.

You are not "emotionally neglecting" your child (really, Donna? Way to be understanding and supportive.). You love your child and do your best by him. He is in a loving environment.

What would I do? First, I would do my best to attend or send someone in my place. There have been times where I call up my mom and say, "Mom, DS has this thing at school. I can't attend because I have duty. Could you go?" And she usually can. Then I explain to DS that I can't go, but Nana will be there taking pictures for me so I can relive the entire thing when we get home. The most important thing is that you show an interest and ask about it later, allowing the child to tell you what happened. Perhaps, if you don't have family there, you could ask that a teacher take some pictures for you and text or email them.

God bless you and yours,
♥
C. Lee

I'd be willing to bet they only had a couple of parents there to help coral the kids after the sugar rush LOL Don't sweat it ... not EVERY school "function" is a must for parents ... and sugar ... you've got 13 more years of this stuff.

Edited to add: Donna ... REALLY?!?!?! Emotional neglect from not attending a PRE-SCHOOL valentines party? WHAT THE HECK? That's ridiculous.

You aren't the only one, M.. In my son's Kindergarten class, when they had a 'Grandparents/Special Friends' day, a few kids didn't have 'people' for them. My girlfriend decided to sit between my son and an unaccompanied child and be *both* of their 'special friends'. Hopefully, the other parents will be sympathetic and inclusive and understanding.

If we were in this situation, our son would be forewarned that no one would come, and we'd try to find a way to make another 'special' time with him at school, helping out/volunteering, etc.

I can guarantee that there were other parents who did not attend. Do not beat yourself up about it.

I'm a teacher, so I have to be in school while my own kids are in school. I rarely get to go to their school functions. My husband goes when he can, but he is in sales and can give up a sale to go to a school party.

My boys are in the 3rd and 9th grades, and they are both happy kids that love us. They grew up knowing that we couldn't be there for everything, and that we didn't love them any less simply because we weren't there for a party. My mom did go to a few important events in my place, but I don't see a Valentine's party being an event where we "must" be there.

I hope your 4yo had a good time at the party, and hope you feel better, too. :)

If 90% of all mothers work-do you really think your son was the only child there without a parent ? In times like these, do you have any other friend or family member that could step in?

I am a single parent.
I could not be at every function that pre-school and elementary, middle, now high school holds. Not and hold a job :)
I had an older, retired friend that filled in many times in pre-school. Other parents filled for me also. My son never felt left out or slighted.
As he got older, elementary aged, we talked about upcoming events and which ones he wanted me to attend. Field day was a must on his list as was awards days and school plays.
Middle school and High - band concerts are a must. Local band competitions, at least part of it are a must. I can skip the parades, football games, and pep band performances :)
My son understands that I work and cannot be there for everything.

You son probably did not feel slighted - it was a party, his classmates where all there, and I am sure not every parent attended.
As he gets older you will teach him to understand that adults have certain obligations that prevent them from attending each and every day time school function even though they want to be at every single one. You will work with your son to ensure that you attend the ones that are most important to him. You will work with the teachers to ensure inclusion of all children regardless of whether parents attend.

If you make a big deal of not being there today, then it will be a big deal to him. When he talks about the party don't apologize for not being there - just tell him you are happy he had fun today at school and encourage him to tell you more.

You are definitely not alone. I bet there were other children whose parents couldn't attend. It is sad for our kiddos, but they do get over it. This is one of the worst parts of being a working parent. And I know what you mean about them having so much time off. There is no way we can take all that time and still remain employed.

But just so you don't feel so bad, I completely forgot to even get V-Day cards for my GD to pass out at school. Didn't even occur to me until this morning. I know my name is going to be Mud when I get home!

There were many things over the year where it was just not possible to be there. We did the best we could. If you can't go and DH can't go, you might want to let the grands have a turn, if they have the time.

The important thing, IMO, is to be sincere and tell him you would like to be there, but you were not able to. And don't set him up to expect anybody if it's unlikely you can attend. It was worse for my SD to get false promises from her mom and scan the crowd for her than it was to hear no and not expect her. I would talk to your DH about only promising to go if he truly can and not make the promise if he can't. If anyone let your son down, it was Dad, if Dad promised.

Otherwise, prioritize and attend what you can. In elementary school, so much was mid-morning and it was hard for working parents to attend. Most parents did not make it.

My son (pre-k) had his on Tuesday, we didn't even know parents were invited. He was upset, but we told him the truth...we would have been there if we could.

I'm the one who usually misses out on the events during the day at school, I work 45 minutes from home...my husband works from home. We try to make the events at least one of us...I rarely get to since they have them at weird times. I tell them the truth...mommy can't make this one (and sometimes neither can daddy)...not sure if he's your only but as my older one gets more involved in sports and other groups...I get involved in those too so that she still has the feeling I'm "there"...i.e. I'm her Girl Scout leader.

FAR from the only one.

And unless your school is TINY, its unlikely that your son watched ALL the other families come.

Our preschool was very active in parent involvement. Meaning about 1/3-1/2 at any given function. Its far more common in dual income areas for 1/10th. If that.

Its not just working parents, though, SAHPs often have other kids (at home, or at school needing to get from point A&B, including called home sick from school several times a year), doctors apts, familial obligations, class schedules, and other commitments.

But back to working parents...

- My dad was Navy. He arranged leave (except when he was deployed, no leave granted then!) for graduations. HIGH SCHOOL graduations.
- Doctors & Nurses in surgeries or emergencies
- Firefighters, Cops, & other first responders
- Pilots who can't trade out a shift & are on the wrong leg
- Minimum wage, miss a shift & fired
- Single parents working 2 jobs
- Politicians campaigning
- Journalists covering said campaign (or a different story)
- Tech before a launch
- Retail before Xmas
- CPAs in tax season

... The list goes on.

PART OF WHY THERE ARE SOOOOOOO MANY events, at different days/times is to allow for parent involvement.

My sons preschool had a biannual Soup Night. A weeknight & a weekend night. Also weekday mornings, afternoons, and weekend days.

They're not thinking every parent will be at every event.
They're thinking that every parent can get to at least 1, if not a couple.

Valentines Day Party?

Not a big deal. Your child is going to have a lot of events during their school years to come that you will not be able to attend. But when you show lots of interest this evening.. it will be just as exciting.

Do not beat your self up. My mom and dad, were NEVER able to attend my school events if it was during their work hours.. That was just not accepted back in the day.. I did not even notice.

At my son's preschool party, there were maybe 6 parents for a total of 25 kids. My son knew I was coming and I saw him looking around for me after I came in, but before I got a chance to say hi.

I don't think it's terrible that a party was missed by a parent. But, he was expecting someone, he was told mom or dad would come and he was looking for you.

In the future, he needs to know what to expect, either way. Hubbie dropped the ball here and it's a problem. If your son had been told that M. and daddy wouldn't be at the party today, he probably would have had a blast and not even cared. But he was expecting someone who did not show.

Even as a SAHM I am not able to go to most of my Kindergartener's school things, since they don't allow younger siblings to attend, and I have 2 other kids still at home.

I just remind my son that every family is different, and some things that some parents are able to do, others are unable to do. I usually make it up to him by doing something else special that day. Tonight I gave them my own Valentine's and some chocolate, which is something my parents never did for us when we were kids.

Of COURSE you're not the only parents who weren't there. Usually at that age, half the parents show up and half don't. The reality is that there are working parents out there. It's tough to make it to ALL school events ALL the time. So don't feel bad and don't worry.

And as they get older, fewer and fewer parents come to the school events. And it's not always because they don't want to...sometimes the KIDS don't want to have to *entertain* their parents at class parties, they'd rather just hang out with their friends.

As I've said in the past, we do what we have to do. If it means your work takes precedence over a school activity, so be it. It will not scar your son for life. He will see that work is important and that sometimes things DON'T go his way, but that school events can still be fun. You didn't make it to THIS party, but there will be plenty more. P.L.E.N.T.Y. He's only 4...you've got many years of school functions ahead of you to attend.

The invitations stop after preK. You may have invites in kinder or be asked for parent volunteers but you probably will not need to worry about attending them in the future. I am sure that there was no way that each parent was there and that he is just fine.

We as parents cannot always make it to school functions for various reasons. I have never been able to make it my 6 year old's school functions - he has been in school since he was 3. I am also not always able to make it to my daughter's functions either. It's a part of life. Luckily in our case my six year old doesn't understand the concept of well so and so's mom came but mine didn't because he is too wrapped in the event. My daughter on the other hand just knows that although mommy is home I cannot make it to her school functions. I'm sure your child will forgive you if needed but perhaps next time just let your child know that you're not sure someone will be able to make it to the event that way there shouldn't be hurt feelings. Do I like that I haven't been able to make it? Of course not but it's a fact of life no matter what we do we will not always be able to literally be there in person for every event or function in our children's lives.

Honestly, I'm sure there were other parents missing as well. I doubt your kid was the only one there without a parent. Kids need to learn that things come up and sometimes we can't always make it to things. Its hard when you are both working full time but you simply need to say, I hope I can be there but if something comes up and I don't make it, you will still have a good time and you can tell me all about it when we see each other. Life is full of disappointments but instead of trying to protect our kids from everything, we need to teach them so they can learn. Good luck.

usually, the teachers are great at pairing that child up with a buddy that does have a mom there. distraction is key at this age and unless your kid is one that cries easily over every little thing, i'm sure he would have been fne and played games and ate cupcakes and had fun.

I've been very lucky that my kids are pretty tough, or i guess i could say secure in my love for them. and also that this has rarely happened to us, where we could't get grandma or someone or even a class mates friend, to be the " audience" for mykids.

... don't worry.
All the years my kids were in Preschool, and now they are in elementary school (they are 6 and 10), there are always parents that cannot make it, to school functions/classroom parties etc.
As far as my kids' Teachers, they REALLY are great about, helping a child feel good, if they miss their parent there. Not all parents can attend EVERYTHING. It is life. Work. Schedules etc.
Its okay.

Ask your son's Teacher, how he did or how he was.
I am sure, IF he was "sad" the Teachers or other parents would have helped him feel like he fits in. I know I do.
I have never known a parent, looking on, that criticized a parent not being able to be there.

Everyday, I see kids who miss their parents, special occasions or not, in school. I work at my kids' school. And we always try to make the child feel SPECIAL... and tell them their parents love them very much, even if they are not there or could not make it.

Don't worry.
You are not the only ones.

He will be fine. I just missed a sports meet that two of my children were in today. And they've been training all season for this.

The only reason I'd be upset is if your son was expecting him and he didn't show. Otherwise, there are always kids that don't have their parents there.

I don't attend any school events and I am a stay at home mom. I can't. With 3 in 3 different preschools schools (well one is elementary now), plus a toddler and baby there is no way.

I did want to take my 6-year-old to the fun fair (he was so excited!) in the evening but then my husband would have to watch the kids after work, and he's too tired to do that. I wish I could be of help to you, but we're in the same situation of not attending anything.

Same thing here, party at 3:30... There was just no way either one of us was going to make it. I think only a few parents came though (if any).
One of the reasons being a working mom sucks... It is what it is.

It's so not worth beating yourself up over! Just as long as you do what you can, he will love you. And even if you can NEVER make these parties, he will grow up knowing how much you would have liked to be there - if you tell him so!

Kids are resilient. He's probably forgotten about it already. I bet if you make it up to him with a lollypop or something, he'll love it. Sorry I couldn't be there but let's sit down and have a lolly pop and you can tell me all about the party! One on one full-attention is even better!

I will always try to explain to my daughter first if we can't be at an event. It's nothing new so she gets it. She makes a comment here or there but I remind her that mommy works hard so that we can live comfortably and go on family vacations and other fun things. It's funny, when I got laid off last year she was very upset thinking that we could no longer afford anything. I had to set her straight on that one! We were fine. But now that I am working, we are better :)

When I was a SAHM and attended things at my childrens preschool and kindergarten events, I was one of the only parents who was able to most of the time if it occurred during the day. The school and the children understand that. The schools extend the invitation "just in case" a parent wants to take a lunch break and come visit during the small events, but honestly it's not expected and the teachers will tell you that it's nothing to feel badly or guilty about. If it's a necessary event they'll let you know.

Now that I'm working, even though it's only part time and my girls are all in school full time, it's harder to get to the small events AND the big events. There are so many big events for all three of them! Sometimes my husband and I have to split them up and sometimes we miss something.

Does that mean that sometimes I have a disappointed child? Sure. But the girls let me know if an event is really important to them, and in that case we make a concerted effort to attend. If it's required attendance, we go. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

My goal isn't to never disappoint my children. Stuff like this, if they do get disappointed, helps them learn to cope with that emotion. But honestly most of the time the girls don't care if we don't attend something that's at school during the day. My eldest daughter is the one whose feelings are hyper-sensitive and she wants us at every single event... she'd want me there for every major exam and project that she has to present, which is every other day. ;-)

In other words, give yourself a break. I'm sure you're more disappointed than your son. I don't think you have any reason to be sad.

TOTALLY don't sweat this. You can't be everywhere & it's better for your son that you have a job you need rather than be unemployed!

When my kids were little and I had to miss school events (note plural -- it happened more than once), I would apologize (with sincerity but not making too big a deal of it), acknowledge that Ihey were probably sad or angry (depended on the daughter -- each one would react differently) then ask about what I missed (How was the party? What did you do? What was your favorite part?). We'd talk about it but not make it too big an issue. It would blow over pretty rapidly. Sometimes, I think the key is to keep it easy & sincere but not place too much emphasis on it. Our kids take their cues from us.

When we've attended the kids party's at school there usually aren't many parents there at all. Parents have to work and they can't take off earning money to go to a school function. So don't feel bad, it's pretty normal.

I never knew that certain schools even invited parents to these parties. My son attended 3 separate schools (we lived out of state for 1 1/2 years) and parents were never even invited to parties. We were only invited for their Christmas pageants and one school had a "prom" in May. I bet some parents did not even realize they were supposed to come and your not alone. What does your child say?

I'm a SAHM, so I had the ability and free time.

When my sons were in preschool, I went on one field trip with each of them. I attended a special parents-party and their 'graduations'. Other than that, I didn't attend Vday/Halloween/Xmas/etc parties and stuff.

I was not needed or missed. The main difference here is that I didn't tell my kid I'd be there and then no show up. I'd be pretty ticked at my husband in your shoes.

I still feel that way and my son is 11 in 5th grade. LOL. It's just not possible to attend every event, especially with both of us working and the new baby. And I've noticed out of the 20 some kids in his class each year usually on 5 or so attend. As hard as it is it is a good life lesson, that sometime there will be disappointments and things don't always go our way, and we have to prioritize our duties, but it will be OK and we move on. You are working to take care of your family. That is important. Don't beat yourself up or let anyone else make you feel badly about it. Also, I know with my kids anyway, they pick up on my reactions. If I act really upset they get more upset, if I matter of factly explain it, they are calmer. He won't need therapy because of it. Mine is older now, but I just explain to him that I can't got to this because I have to work, took off for X, etc. and I've done this since he was in Kindergarten. But I still feel guilty but I let myself feel guilty on the drive home and once I'm home, guilt time is over. Good luck. Oh, and a nice cuddle fest after a missed event is kinda nice too. With the kid or the spouse:-)

I asked my daughter's pre-k teacher whether parents were planning to attends, as it appeared that we were invited. She said' well, you are welcome; it depends up to you." A very non-committal answer. When I discussed it further with her, she mentioned that 3 parents out of about 20 weer planning to attend. At that point, I said, "Ok, I will NOT be at the party." Are you sure that all the other kids' parents were there or if it was just some of them? That may help your eeling of guilt some. It isn't always practical to attend every event. If it is a significant event that I cannot attend, I ask a close friend or family member to attend or the parent of a close classmate to keep an eye out for her at the event, too.

Hi, M.:

Our society promotes emotional neglect of our children.
This is the result of the 1960's when the family was no longer a
priority.

You need to set your priorities.
Did you talk to your child about how she felt?
Did you ask her what she suggests if you both can't attend the next time she has something?

Did you talk to her teacher beforehand about your absence?
A concerned great grandmother.
D.

just had a preschool party for my 3 year old class yesterday and only 3 out of 9 parents came so chances are your child was in the majority. I think at that age they really don't notice. They're just too excited about eating cookies and getting candy hearts. It's okay. Be there as much as you can and when you can't don't beat yourself up.