Niece and Nephew Live with Me but Don't Want to Anymore

Of course the kids "aren't crazy over" you - you are the disciplinarian. Which is sad that the entire role of disciplinarian fell to you. I am sorry but your husband needs to step up also and take over at least 50% of that from you.

Grandma needs to tell the child herself that she cannot live with her. Short of that, your husband needs to relay the message to the kids.

It is time for a family meeting with you, hubby, grandmother, bio-dad, and uncle. All of the adults need to be on the same page. If the kids are to continue living with you then every other adult in the family needs to give you 110% support and stop the under-mining.

Also, if your niece/nephew are not in counseling it is time. Family counseling for you all would help you all relate to other also.

It is a good thing that you do in caring for them. God Bless.

One thing you need to know about teenagers, and even preteens, is this: what they say they want is not necessarily what they really want.

They say they don't want to live at your house. You make them do their homework, you don't let them text the opposite sex late at night, you set standards for them. Their grandmother, by contrast, is fun! Why shouldn't they say they want to live with grandma? But she doesn't want to live with them.

So I'd say they're stuck with you. Is that a bad thing? Not really. So don't feel like a jerk. You're doing the job you need to do, and the job THEY need you to do. You won't get any appreciation for it until - well, until your niece and nephew are parents themselves, probably.

I recall a friend from some years back who married a second time. Her children would get mad at her and say, "We want to live with dad!" Both she and her husband would say, consistently, "That isn't an option" (for very good reasons). The children survived, and so did my friend.

I hope you'll get a lot of posts from mothers of teens, so you'll realize that this sort of behavior isn't unusual.

There's a book, for what it's worth, that I found just after my children grew too old to benefit from what was in it. You might be able to find it online (it probably isn't in print any more). It's written by James Kelly, who taught and administrated (and maybe still does) at Catholic high schools for boys. You don't have to be Catholic to learn a lot from it - it's a storehouse of common sense. The title is "Respecting the Man the Boy Will Become," and the wisdom can apply to girls as well.

D., I think you're awesome. I also think what you are describing is pretty normal teenage stuff.

"Niece, I love you so much. I want to give you everything in life. I want to help you have the best life possible. Every minute of every day I am thinking about you. I don't like it that you're texting boys (or anyone, right?) late at night because I want you to get the sleep you need and feel good everyday, it's terrifying to me that you might get hurt. I hope you'll talk to me about anything and everything, ok? No judgement, no punishment, whatever is on your mind, we'll just talk it out. I hope you'll trust me"

As far as the texting late goes, there IS a natural consequence for staying up too late. Is it the boy part you don't like? Ask her about them. Create an environment she feels safe in to talk to you about boys. She's 14, not 6.

I hear so much love in your post. These kids are lucky to have you. I would not put too much stock in the 'living with Grandma' issue. It'll blow by.

:)

They miss their mom. Their life took a major when she died and they can not ever go back. Raising teens is always difficult and then add to it that you are raising your neice and nephew. Even if they never say it I am sure they think "what would mom do?"
You need to sit down with them and have a heart to heart talk. You need to explain to them you love them and only want what is best for them. You are young to have a teen girl living with you and I am sure you remember what it's like being a teen girl. No matter how accomlished she is, no matter how beautiful she is, no matter how well she does in school ---- she is still the girl who's Mom died. On those days when she has important events happening homecoming, prom, first date, graduation, she's the girl who's aunt is stepping in as Mom.
One thing you may want to point out to her is that her Mom loved her and that love will never die. Her Mom will always be with her in spirit.
Instead of worring about what they don't have show them what they do have. They have a home and and family that loves them.

I think that your niece and nephew are at a really hard time in their lives right now. Their mother died, their father chooses drugs over them and they are in the most difficult stage of their lives... teenage and pre-teen years. Of course they want to go live with grandma because they think they will have it easier over there, well it is very obvious that grandma doesnt want her life interrupted, she is to busy with her finer things in life attitude and probably is enjoying life with her new husband/boyfriend. Think about this. If you and your husband died in a car wreck who would you want caring for your kids? A grandma that gives them what they want, probably will ignore them, and doesnt really give a hoot about them or someone that will teach them morals, values, resp, love, caring and respect in life? Sure your life is hard, you gained two beautiful children that are probably sad, scared, mad at the world since losing their mother and knowing their father doesnt want anything to do with them. That is not their fault. Please dont pack their bags and send them away to grandma's house. She wouldnt have time for them. You are doing a fabulous thing by taking on your SIL's children... there is a reward for that.... good luck!

Here's what you say to them: "Oh well guys, grandma says she can't take you guys right now. I guess you're stuck with me!"

You are a great person to take these kids in. You might just be their salvation. Here is my advice: The next few years are probably not going to be very pleasant. The teenage hormones are going to kick in, and they will probably unfairly blame you for a lot of things. You won't get a lot of positive things from them, but you will give them a stable, loving home (though it's often hard to love a teenager).

So, can you take a deep breath, and get through the next few years? You are doing the right and the good thing. You are what these kids need. Keep up the good work. Nothing is your fault. You're doing great!

D., those two children are phenomenally blessed to have you as their role model and savior in this world!!!! Please, please start believing that.

Of course they want to go to someone else's house where there are fewer rules and restrictions.

Your niece and nephew lack the maturity to see that those freedoms are not in their best interest right now.

And believe all of us here, even if they did go, they'd be griping to return at some point.

Again, bless you for taking these lost children into your heart and home and providing healthy, normal boundaries. You are not the 'bad guy', so please remove that phrase from your vocabulary, especially when speaking about yourself. The bio dad is the real loser and bad guy in this tough situation. Never you.

Do not think a bigger home and nice things equates to happiness. In their immature view of the world, it probably does. But will they be equally loved and monitored there?

Remember also, that all children 'test' their parents. And your niece and nephew are testing you. You're it. Be calm, be loving and be yourself. You sound wonderful.

The grandmother said she couldn't take them. Not your fault. Of course kids want to go where they think they have free reign. Im sure they will be better off at your house. especially entering the teen years.

Don't you dare feel guilty. Let grandma tell them they can't come and live with her. The grass always looks greener on the other side. You can get some of the same reactions and responses from your biokids too. Trust me I know. My son wanted to move out of our house and life with his dad, (the fun parent). Fortunately or unfortunately his dad just wants to be his buddy and parent part time. My son has quickly learned that he has no where to go until he can get out on his own. Everyone loves him but no other adult in his life wants to parent him but me and his stepdad.

Family counseling may help if the the involved parties are willing to put in the hard work.

Please let all the kids know they are free to go but your home has no revolving door and they can't come back to live but are welcome to visit.

This generation is very ungrateful. I would want to get to the heart of the 14 year old's problem. In 4 short years she will be considered and adult in most states. It is your job to get her ready. I say let her talk to boys, she will need that skill. Monitor and mentor her. Enlist your village to reinforce your values and provide her with a safe haven to open up with. Try to get hubby more involved in talking to her about boys and men and really prepare her for her future.

Get her to talk about her future. I love the idea of creating a vision board for her future. This should be a project you can work on together. Ask her where she sees herself in 5 years? Create images for her vision for the future. If she is more busy thinking about her future the less troublesome she may be to herself when she is actively doing something in her present to alter and change her future.

Hang in there and don't take it personally. It's really not personal. She is at that age where she must reject the mother figure in her life to try to gain an identity for herself. Yeah it's painful for you but you will come out the other side with flying colors. You are raising her into adulthood which is not for the faint at heart but for the brave and strong. Hang in there, this is a marathon not a sprint.

I think that they are at common ages where kids want what looks greener. You are facing the same issue that many divorced parents do. I would get them counseling so they can work through the issues of having parents that cannot raise them, possibly feeling like outsiders in your family (not that you are doing anything wrong, but that they know they are not your kids) and having no control where they live. The fact is grandma said no. Or grandpa did and she relayed that message. I would tell the child that I'm sorry she's disappointed, but her grandparents cannot take them.

My SS was 11 and asked to move with his mom. She turned him down. She later made 2 plays for custody of SD (favorites much?). He was heartbroken, understandably. But sometimes where you want to be isn't where you need to be. Even though SD wanted to go, what she really wanted was her mom's attention and thought if she was there, she'd have more. What she didn't realize is that her mom is great for short durations, but couldn't even manage and entire summer without cutting it short. She just couldn't do the day to day things a kid needs. DH said that his ex could petition the court and let them decide. Ultimately SD stayed here. Your niece may simply want things (material goods) or time or space without your kids. All of which are valid feelings, but it doesn't equal a change of household.

So look for a counselor so they can work through what they need to work through. And as far as resenting you? Maybe because you're a good mom and her own mom isn't there and it's not about YOU but your place. You can't take 14 yr old girls too personally. Her grandparents' decision is nobody's "fault" even if it feels that way.

It is NOT your fault that the kids dont get to go live with their grandmother. It sounds like to me that Grandma is all talk, and just wanted to look like the good guy who gets to spoil the kids and not take actual responsibility.
Even if the kids dont "want" to be with you, it doesnt matter. You are what they have, and it sounds like you are doing a great job. The best you can. They may not appreciate that now, but they are teens, and close to. That is the age of rebellion in some kids, and with one who lost their mother so young it must be tough. I honestly think that your niece might resent you because she just misses her mom.

Have you thought about getting these kids any counseling? This might help them work through their issues with the whole situation. It must be terribly hard on all of you to have to deal with this, but you need to hang in there. The children are better with you where there are rules, expectations, and stability. You are a good Mom. You are providing for their needs and all else.

I think that you need to have a family meeting all together. Sit everyone down and talk about expectations in this house, such as everyone handing in their phones to you and your husband at bedtime so that no one can secretly text boys in the night. And just to sort out anything that needs to get out in the open. And just to let them know that you and they aren't going anywhere and that you love them.

You are doing great, just hang in there! I hope things get better for all of you.

Honey-Chile.... Teen. Ager.

As a teen I was looking up boarding schools to live elsewhere. Also my aunts, uncles, friends... And I had a GOLDEN childhood. With phenom parents. That I fought like cats and dogs with from 14-17 (then enlisted and left home at 17).

The 14yo is your first experience with a young adult.. Which often just 'goes badly'. ESP when there are little ones, like really little, in the same house. Like MY mum (who is now my best friend), you're sleep deprived, ANC 4-5ths of your time is corralling toddlers.
PERSONAL advice?

Look up Bat Mitzvahs. As in the rights and responsibilities transferred onto young adults in the Jewish culture.

Look up the book hot to listen so kids will talk, and how to talk so kids will listen.

Just from experience: you can EITHER try to law down the law and treat teens like kids, and deal with rebellion... OR have them step up. Give them enough rope to hang themselves by. Yes. They will occasionally screw up BIG time. Better now, when its not as heavy as it will bd at 18-19, and she's still got you as a saftey net and mentor.

Just my .02

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think the 14 year old is acting, well, like a 14 year old. Not all 14 year olds like their mothers, and you want her to like her aunt who is trying to mother her? She's a teenager, who thinks she knows it all and feels like an adult. She doesn't get that she's really still a child and has a long ways to go still. LOL Kids/Teens always want what benefits them, and everything is always greener elsewhere. It happens all the time with divorced parents, etc.
Continue to raise her, just demand her respect. Someday, when the hormones quit raging, she'll love you for it.
I read this the other day "If you think the grass is greener over there, maybe you need to water your grass".
And, when our kids pull the "but Joey's mom bought him a *whatever*" or "Joey's mom let him go to *wherever*" - we'd jokingly say, "I'm sorry Joey's mom doesn't love Joey as much as we love you!"