New to the Whole Parenting Thing.

At 16y/o most of the parenting has already been done...honestly.

I am a stepmom, my best advice is to be her friend. Open communication is the key!

There's an interesting idea out there that whatever age a child is when a new parent comes into the family, that's how long it takes for the family really reach equilibrium. So if a child were 4 when her parent re-married, things would really start to gel when the child is 8. With that in mind, you can see how a teenager isn't in the market developmentally for a new parent. Unless she's is really hungry for mother figure in her life, your role is probably closest to that of an aunt or big sister. The obvious fact about that is that unlike an aunt or big sister, you are now her dad's partner and unconsciously, she may feel that you are stepping into a place in the family that was partly hers. So don't be surprised if there's a little jealousy or resentment towards you that crops up - she'll probably be surprised to learn that she feels that way toward you and doesn't want to. Likewise, you will probably have moments where you feel jealous of the closeness and bond that they share - not only because you will never have that same history with your husband (she will always have been there before you) but also, you'll never have that closeness with her either. So when that feeling creeps up out of nowhere, recognize it as natural and predictable and just deal with it.

One thing that I didn't expect with my step-daugther is that I would feel some twinges of jealousy and resentment towards her friends' mothers. I have known my SD since she was 3 and married her dad when she was 6. She moved in with us when she was 13, and I have three biological sons. Throughout our relationship, because her mother was in the picture and the dynamics of the relationship between her mom, my husband and me were strained, my role in her life was minimalized. I was often reminded that I had no say in anything, no rights to her, and that she already had a mother. Fine, until her mother bailed. At that point it was unnatural to suddenly pretend that it was Ok for me to take over that role - she feels disloyal to her absentee mother in getting very close to me and having me "mother" her. In the meantime, she met new friends here and quickly became very close to those moms. Before I knew it, every time I turned around she and her friends were going with the friends' moms to shop, do their nails, etc. All of that girl stuff that she never wanted to do with me or I was told not to do! In your case, she probably already has a network of mother figures (aunts, friends' mothers, older gilrfriends) so while it may seem that you are the primary candidate to fill that role, you may find that in her mind, there is no open position or you will be job sharing with other women who have been in her life longer. Not a bad thing, but something to watch out for and understand.

Congratulations on your marriage! There are lots of good books out there on step-parenting. Follow their lead and for the most part, do what feels right and what's in her best interests. Even if there are things you disagree with or would do differently, your husband has managed to handle the situation very well to trust that he's got this pretty well covered. And she will only be under your roof full-time for a few more years, so even if things do get a bit strained down the road, know that you and your husband will have a lot more time and space for each other in a few short years. Best of luck to you!

I think at her age, love , communication, shopping, understanding, your time, shopping, dad time, caring, encouragement, direction , guidance and shopping.

Welcome Mama! I am a stepmom. Couple of main things to keep in mind: keep your expectations realistic, let your daughter lead the way in terms of defining your role ( for example, she might have all sorts of mixed feelings about moms and daughters), give her your blessing to feel whatever she feels about having you as her parent, love her no matter what even if she pushes you away sometimes, don't be surprised if you discover she has a deep emotional tie to her mom even after her mom dumped her, keep your sense of humor, take care of your marriage because stepfamilies are more likely to end in divorce than non stepfamilies, count your blessings...being a stepmom has forced me to be a better person than I would have been otherwise because it can be so dang hard but I would not change it for the world!

Don't try to be her mom - she may still have feelings for her mother (and maybe some resentment and maybe some sense of abandonment) and that's normal. Don't ask her to call you Mom. If she does sometimes, and other times calls you R., don't react either way. Her dad is still her primary parent and you must allow that relationship to continue.

Don't be her friend. You are not her peer. She has friends and must develop them/keep them. Don't expect her to tell you everything. You will be in the position of hearing things you need to tell her father, or that she will ask you NOT to tell her father, and that's awkward. If it's a feminine issue related to her periods or something, then you don't have to tell her father. But if it's a safety issue or an important behavioral issue, you're going to have to tell him. So don't position yourself as her friend and then find you might have to violate that.

Be her Stepmom! Sounds dumb, doesn't it? But it's a special relationship. She needs a woman in her life and it make take some time for you both to figure out what that means. A lot of it depends on how long she's been without her mother, if there have been any other women in her life, and what neglect she's experienced at the hands of her mother or any other women. If her father had any other relationships between her mom and you, then those women have "left" her, and she may be worried about you leaving too. Even if it's just her mother who left her, that's huge and she may hold back a little with you.

You have to be her confidante (when she'll allow it), her role model (as a wife and mother), her special person. You'll be driving her and teaching her to drive, taking her shopping, dealing with women's issues, watching her date, and trying to help her resist negative peer pressure. That's a lot. Let her know you love her and that this is a special time for you. But don't give her a job to do - her job is not to fill your desire for a child, even as that joy has come later in life for you. Her job is to grow up, get an education, and to have the best possible time doing that within the limits of safety and responsible behavior.

You may be seen by her and by her friends as someone who is "cool" - an adult who isn't a mom. Don't let them take advantage of that and think they can get away with stuff they can't get away with elsewhere, but if it's a benefit to them to have a special adult in their lives, allow it to happen and nurture it.

I am not a step parent but I have raised 2 teen boys. The best thing you can do is to model good choices, a great character and encourage her good relationship with her father. She is probably a little clueless as to what role you are going to play in her life. It sounds like your H has done well parenting her so by all means, let that continue. Be a loving mom, in that you see to her needs, help her when life gets her down, be her reasonable sounding board, encourage good health habits and be flexible with her.
Ask her what she sees as your role in her life. Help her see her future and make reasonable steps toward it. SAT is coming up soon if college is in her future. She's pretty much growed! Good luck!

Sit down and read her the question you've written here. Let her know how much you love her and how much you want to be a good step mom . It will mean so much and she will probably just tell you to "keep up the good work!"

Sounds like a perfect situation to ease into: you and she are already acquainted, she is not a difficult kid, so by the time something comes up, you may find yourself saying something to her and not even thinking about whether you're stepping over the line because it's a comfortable situation. in the meantime, if something does come up, of course talk to your hubby first if you have concerns, and it's possible that you will not agree with what he decides, but of course ultimately it'll be his decision as her father. (that's if it's not something that woudl be a deal-breaker for you, relationship-wise, but that would be another issue.) Good luck!!

I am not a step-parent so I am just advising from a gut.

Sit down with her and tell her how you feel. How much you already love her and how you want to be close. Admit that the Mom thing is new to you and you may make mistakes. You don't want to try and suddenly be her "Mom" (unless that is something she wants) you do plan on being her parent. You will do your best to take care of her and keep her best interests at heart. Admit that may mean sometimes you will discipline her, but that you hope she will understand it is because of how much you care for her. Tell her you are open for her to share her feelings anytime. Tell her you love her.