New Partner

I hope I am not sounding to harsh. But your first responsibility is to your children and to Their happiness and peace of mind. In my opionon you need to wait until your youngest is 18. I wish you the best!

You are only 40 years old. You have every right to find happiness again. I think it would be good for your kids to have a male influence in their lives. It's been 3 years, and nobody can tell you that you're being disloyal to your husband. Yes, your kids will grieve for their father, but they also have the right to move on and keep their memories, but also to make some new ones.

TALK to the man in your life. Talk to your kids. See how everyone is feeling, and figure out together where to go from here. But, ultimately...you have to take control of your OWN life and happiness, and do what is best for you.

Good luck!

I think you need to have a talk with your kids and the man seperately. Once you feel everyone is on the same page sit down with your boyfriend and kids together to set the rules and such. You kids are at the age where the phrase "you're not my father" is going to come into play. It may seem that won't be an issue but living together is always different. So you're best to take it slow and make sure everyone knows what thier role in the house is. That way there are no fights later on. I wish you the best!

hello elizbeth
yes you are righht your kids will alway grieve there father my mother has been gone17 year and i still grieve her lost but it dose gwt eaiser little by little .how do your kids feal about moving in together?are they ready for that ?are you wanting him to move in to your house or you four move in to his house or are you wanting to move in to a new house ? if you are fealing this way i would bring it up to him and see if he is ready for that well good luck and hope all turn out the way you want it

I think you should talk to your new partner about it first, and see how he feels about it. But before you move forward with anything, you should talk to your own children about it and see how they would feel if he lived with you guys. Ask them how they would feel if he was to live there, and give them sincere and honest examples of how everyone could benefit from it. Good luck. Your situation must be so hard.

E.,
I do agree with Diane also. The only think I'd add in, is that if you and your boyfriend do decide to marry, I'd make sure to seperatly ask your children how they feel about it (NOT permission, your the mom, but let them express their opinions to you privatly before proceeding).

C.

Hi E.,

I would first talk to your patner about what he thinks about moving in togeather. If he agrees and would like to move in. I would then sit and talk with your children, have him talk with his children, even the 20 year old. Make sure you take in how they feel and what they think, and than maybe sit down as a whole and talk about what everybody thinks, feels, fears and so on. You are right, they will always miss their dad. But as long as they know your partnet is not trying to take their dads place. I think all should be well. Keep us updated. Good-Luck

I agree with Terri B!

You deserve happiness.

I am with Diane here. I am a grown child of a very similar circumstance. My mom and stepfather were long time family friends. She was friends with his wife, who sadly died of cancer. My mother had not dated anyone since her divorce, and his daughter and I were friends, which lead to the two of them spending some amount of time together, actually quite quickly after her passing.
The timing wasn't perfect, but his kids, also in their teens eventually knew this relationship and marriage was in their and their father's best interest. Some people need companionship more than food, ya know? Anyways, with four teens in the house, a live in situation would not have been good. It was really hard that first year, and the committment of marriage is the only way that we would have come through in one piece. We are now 17 years into this and I don't think any one of us would change a thing. Your kids are always going to resist change, we sure did, but they should only be given a reasonable amount of consideration in matters like this. If your boyfriend is good for you then he will be good for them. If there is any instability there then it is still not the time, trust me on that one.
Good luck,
W. P

I believe you have every right to be happy; everyone does. What is the time limit on grieving? None. You may always grieve your husband, but that doesn't mean you can't love another. Your kids will also grieve him forever, but they too can love another. I'm wondering if you've thought about ALL the steps you're planning to take. I have the unpopular opinion here, I think. I would not set the example to my kids, especially my daughters, that "moving in" with each other is ok. I believe if you can make a commitment to move in together, that you should be making a commitment of marriage. Are you wanting him to move in because you think that if it doesn't work out that it will be "easier" to have him leave than if you asked for a divorce? If it doesn't work out, you and your kids will be devastated anyway, no matter if it's a divorce or simply him leaving. I believe parents have a responsibility to model moral behaviors and to me marriage is the moral answer and cohabitating is not. I would never want my daughters to think it's ok to move in with a guy, to "test the waters". They would be moving in together because hopefully they love each other. If they love each other enough, than the lifetime commitment of marriage should be the decision to make.

I realize not everyone shares my opinion; but you did ask for opinions.

God Bless you and your decisions.

You should talk to your kids about it and see how they feel. Its nice they have already known this guy for quite a long time. Tell them you havent made the decision yet, but have been thinking about it and you want to know that they are okay with it. Im sure they will appreciate you talking to them first. Then, if they are okay with it, talk to your bf and see if hes up to it too. Good luck