New Mom and Dad Relationship

Tell him to take a week (or a day or so) off and he takes care of the baby and the house just like you do... to the "T". You go out and do what you want with girlfriends, window-shopping, whatever.

He'll be singing a different tune if he knows his day begins and never seems to end. Plus, encourage him to read-up on the hormonal changes that women go through after having a baby. Our energy is sapped because we are adjusting to breastfeeding, always listening for the "baby alarm", and recovering from pregnancy. Although almost every women goes through childbirth does not mean it is not a dramatic event. It can take perhaps 2 years for the body to return to it's pre-baby state (which is why OBGYN's suggest waiting 2 years before having #2).

Furthermore, tell him you need a life too. Beign stuck in a house, even though you love being a mom, is closterphobic because you don't have access to any other person than baby. You need to be able to have a sitter come over so you can get out and shop without baby, see a girlfriend, go to Borders to read, anything. You need an adult life outside the house.

I've been EXACTLY where you are, and unfortunately my marriage suffered as a result of built up resentment and anger. Fortunately, my husband and I are working things out, but I hope you never have to suffer like I have.

The best advice I can offer is to be the best mom you can, and definitely find a friend or relative or other trusted caretaker, so you and your husband can have a DATE NIGHT once a week. Hopefully, you can also get a regular afternoon off for yourself. If nothing else, just do the date night. It gives you and your husband the opportunity to stay connected to each other, and to be together the way you used to be able to, and to relate to each other outside of the daily logistics of family and work and home.

My husband is just like yours, and the best thing I have learned is to consistently acknowledge and appreciate his everyday efforts. It may seem silly, but you may be surprised when he returns the appreciation for all you do. Just give it a shot.

Wishing you the best.

If your hubby has some vacation time or sick days ask him to use a few up. Have him stay home with the baby and you go and get some mom time for yourself. My husband is a diesel mechanic and works from 3:30 p.m. till who knows what time. Sometimes he is on call as well and he'll get called out to fix a truck or trucks after working all day. That was hard for me when I had two small children plus a new born. I eventually asked him to take a couple of vacation days so he could help me out and see what I go through everyday. He did and that made him realize that it wasn't as easy as he thought it was to be at home all day with 3 kids. He had a lot more appreciation for what I did once he tried it out. When he did this I made time for myself to go out and just walk around different stores and look at stuff without having kids in tow. I would also take a nice long hot relaxing bubble bath later in the evening while he watched the little ones. Just tell him you are getting overwhelemed yourself and would like him to take some time off to help you out. He'll have a different outlook on you being a full time mom and he should have more appreciation towards what you do when he gets a taste of it for himself.

my baby is now 5 months old. my husband works almost as hard as yours. just remember that you are having a lot more fun than he is all day. the warm fuzzy feelings of nurturing your child should overide all of the other stuff. enjoy your time w/your child and forget your husband for awhile. just get off his back for now-he'll come running back to you. when he sees how much fun you're having, he'll want to join in. stay positive and run a fun place for him to come home to. he'll make an effort to join in on the fun unless he's a total stick in the mud. too bad for him if he does not value your new job. you like it, right? good luck ;-)

This is a tough adjustment for everyone! I have a very similar situation and also had a really hard time adjusting to being homebound with a baby. My husand works 2 jobs and is in school 2 nights a week right now. While going through similar frustrations my aunt gave me some great advice...when you can, go out and run a quick errand and leave the baby home with your husband. She assured me that everything would be ok. I still thought it sounded very cruel until she literally forced me out the door. I was only gone for about 30 min and to my surprise came home to a very happy baby and a very poud Daddy! It turned out that I was taking ALOT of the responsiblilty on myself and not asking or giving my husband a chance to learn what to do. As a result he didnt know where to step in or how to help. Our oldest is going to be 2 in a few months and when I had our son (who is now 7 mo) I was greatly concerened that things would fall back where they had with our daughter. My husband surprised me and still does. I had to let go and almost force him into the circle of things so that he could learn. He is now very confident and when he IS home I hand him over a kiddo and tell him "I need to make dinner. Can you please help out with the kids and take care of them until we are ready to eat." Or something to that effect. I do still find that I have to encourage him though. He isnt the best at asking where he can help...

Good luck! Hope this helps some.

P.S. The not working frustration does go away! Think of it this way...YOU HAVE THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD! YOUR CHILD IS OUR FUTURE AND YOU HAVE A BLANK CANVAS IN FRONT OF YOU. YOUR CHILD WILL GROW TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TAUGHT AND INSTILLED IN HIM/HER. THE RESULTS OF THAT ARE ENDLESS. I CANT THINK OF A MORE REWARDING JOB!

I think what you just said was perfect. Try it out on him and maybe he can come up with some ideas too. I'm not so sure if fathers have any idea how much work it is to raise a child. The emotional strain is unlike anything I dealt with when I was working full time. Throw in the crazy roller coaster post partum emotions and being more or less isolated from adult contact, it's a wonder we don't go crazy! It is a very hard adjustment for all of you. Just let him know you are feeling, you don't want it to turn into resentment. Trust me, you are not alone with how you are feeling.

It doesn't matter how much they work or how many hours they put in....many men just don't see the need to help. I only know one man of all my family and friends that does anything worthwhile around the house. And I often wonder if he's real. She's a lazy hound, but I love herr so maybe that's why he does thing.s

At any rate, no matter the condition my hubby does as little as possible. He was laid off for nine months and I was pregnant working full time...I would come home and he had done nothing all day. He didn't cook one meal, do a single load of clothes, or anything. It still infuriates me at times and it comes up from time to time if I blow my top about his lack of help...he always has an excuse and I sometimes have to point out that no matter the circumstances he has never done much.

But I love him. MY hubby like yours works hard, he doesn't run around, he doesn't spend his free time at the bars or with friends, he's great with the girls when he's home...and so on. I try to focus on the positive and ignore the negatives...though at times it gets very hard. I find myself withdrawn at times...and frankly when he starts getting frisky I often think "why should I". I'm tired and I don't feel like it". I've told him more than a few times that if he wants to get frisky he better do some dishes....he never does, but oh well.

I know I'm not being much help but I thought I would share some of my frustrations so you would know you are not alone. That old saying about marriage being 50/50 was such a lie. Of course, to them spending time at work makes up their 50%...I wonder how they would feel if the roles were reversed. I do believe that most men think what we do at home is nothing compared to what they do at work. Of course, it being so easy and all they still can't muster the effort to help.

So pray a lot. Focus on the positive. Count your blessings. Try not to meltdown like I do...it doesn't really help at all. Stay strong and try to be happy.

Hi! I am a stay at home mom as well with our first child, now 2. (I would never trade this decision for anything, even thought I truely miss my old job) Anyhow, I understand exactly what you were writing....my husband too works long hours. Ever since my daughter was born, I have made special attempts to literally show (not tell) him how much we appreciate him.....from leaving a plate of cookies out for him to just having our daughter scribble with crayons a card for him. He really appreciates this. On the flip side, it was hard for me to have him understand the demanding job of being a mom. Therefore, whenever he has the slightest opening of time at home he play and take care of our daughter while I go have alone time (usually grocery shopping!) :) It is a good break for me and he now relizes that you can't just sit and "watch a ballgame" with her. Sometimes i even ask him to do a load of laundry while I'm out - that really make him sweat! :) Talk talk talk....I made the mistake of keeping all that stuff in until it blew....now that we talk more he appreciates me more and there seems to be less "nagging". In the end we both relize that each one is important. Good luck!

Do as one of my freinds did. Get him to stay home from work one day or call in sick. Once the alarm goes off get up get dressed and then tell him that you will be leaveing for the day. Tell him today is going to be stay at home dad day. This made my freinds husband realize being at home all day with a new baby and all the home responsablities was not easy. I know this seems harsh but for her it worked.

Or

Sit down and talk to him about this these are issues that must be addressed soon or you will be telling the same story as I do.. I had a ex hubby that sounds like your hubby. Worked all the time even on his days off.Guess what I could not take it no more and we got divorced.

What you do is very significant! "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world"

I doubt that there has ever been a man who at the end of his life said, "Golly, I wish I had spent more time at the office"

If your husband can get a vision of the eternal nature of the family...he would understand that the greatest work he will ever do is within the walls of his own home!

Your husband may think he is showing you his love by earning more money (staying longer hours at the office).
When he knows you value his presence...you light up when he enters the room, you do special things for him, he comes before the baby in your eyes...he will begin to change his attitude.

Be loving and patient!

This is going to sound awful but when you want a dog to do something over again, you say goodboy goodboy. Makes them want to do it again. Men aren't much different. When he finally does something with the baby say oh thank you, you don't even know how much you just helped me. (Just imagine that you're rolling your eyes... try not to ACTUALLY roll your eyes while repeating this.;) I've found that if they get a little pat on the head that they may do it again later. ;)
J.

You are both working long hrs, and there may be resentment on both sides. You because you have to basically be a single mom, and him that he is working long hrs to afford you to be home with the baby.

Could you afford a babysitter for a night out, or even a few hours so you can reconnect and talk about this. Resentment can linger and cause problems for a marriage.

Good luck

Just like other posters my Husband and I went through this as well. Though, I have a little different take. First good for you for recognizing the need to ask for advice before the resentment builds.

Second, with regards to your feeling that he looks at you differently, is it really him who sees you this way or you? It sounds awful, but I realized when I had those feelings it was about my own sense of value in the home. We had always contributed 50/50 financially and all of a sudden I no longer had that security. I was feeling as though I was now totally dependent on him for all financial needs which for me was really unsettling. One day I finally broke down into tears asking for money to buy new clothes and we finally talked about how I was feeling, though I made sure not use the word "you" or tell him that "he made me feel x", and to focus more on why I was responsible for these feelings I was having. His response was amazing. This conversation brought out why and how much he values my "job" in our home, and how he works so much because he sees my value. Around this time we decided to take time for us, and began our "date night" bi-weekly with our son going to grandma's. Currently Im pregnant so we upped date night to weekly because we both know that it will be a while once the new baby is born for me to be comfortable leaving her. All of a sudden he also realized that I don't get to leave work at the end of the day, and that cleaning up all of his messes and not having his help when he is home was really making my job harder. While I understand that it was my choice to be a homemaker, he needs to still be a father and husband when he is home. So we discussed what his "chores" at home are so that I feel ike he is also contributing and I don't have to ask him to do stuff and feel like Im nagging him. He takes out the garbage for me, and carries the laundry downstairs and upstairs for me. I only ever ask him once to do anything around the house and give him a timeline when I need it done. It almost always gets done on time now. but he let me know that when I repeat my requests I nag. Now I know I expect very little of him with regard to helping out at home, but Im never disappointed, and he is doing more and more and our relationship is getting better and better. Every night after dinner, he takes the baby for father son time while I do the dishes. Weekend's are tough, but at least my husbands hours are not so long and we all get more time to spend as a family.

Third, with regards to helping out with the baby, many men look at new babies as "mom's job" and can't really connect in their heads as to how to bond with them till they are bigger and able to play. This is not to say that they don't love them just as much, some just can't get that nurturing thing down. It used to drive me crazy that when my husband took the baby, he would place the kid in the swing and get on the computer. Asking him to do stuff for the baby to help me was like pulling teeth and he seemed bored everytime I asked him to hold him. There was no doubt in my mind that he loved our son, but he just didn't know how to interact with him. I would give suggestions, and lists of things to do, but nothing seemed to help, till all of a sudden our son was mobile, and could pick up and recognize toys. Now I can't tear the two of them apart once my husband gets home. They spend the entire evening playing, and even when hubby is on the computer relaxing our son is climbing on his lap and wanting to do everything with Daddy. These things just seem to work themselves out.
Becoming parents is no easy task, and learning how to do it together is even harder. Lots of communication, less blame, and removing the "parental competition" ("I do x more than you" stuff) is what solidifies and enriches the transition. Learning those cues is the hard part. It takes time to get comfortable in your new roles, just remember that you love him, and that it will get better.

Well, I find talking it out always does the trick. I know exactly how you feel about not feeling equal to him as far as work goes, but it is true our job is by far much harder and stressful. Through the years hubby and I have talked quite a bit. Now , we've agreed that we I need him I call him and he is home within 30 min. Or if I need help around the house I just ask, and he's completely happy to help. He too works long hours, working for family business makes it even harder. I'm usually "very" understanding when he's working late and calls to tell me, and when he's home he'll apoligize and usually tries to make it up to me, maybe by coming home early the next day, or getting me a card. Just little things. Just try talking to him, that is very important, otherwise your asking for more stress and trouble. And it shouldn't be that way with a baby in the house. Good luck.

Dear New Mom,
I to went through this. My husband worked all hours, I had given up my work to stay home (the best decision for me), but too felt bad asking for much needed help. He also, I felt, lost respect or value in my chosen work at home. Having worked and stayed at home with my kids at different times I feel it is much more difficult in some ways to stay home. Unless you make it a full time job it is hard to stay in touch with others and feel even human at times. Hang in there. I found withdrawing only made it worse and we ended up with a wall that took a long time to take down. We found help in counseling. My husband had a hard time with the change from carefree guy to dad and all that went with it. Also having a third party say he still had responsibilities with the baby helped in my situation. You can also call it bonding time :)when he helps with the baby. Sometimes it is all in how you say it. Best of luck!
L., mom of 5(yikes still sounds scary every time I say it)

Aah, the joys and trials of being a new parent! Honey, we've all been there and done that. All beginnings are difficult and this one marks the spot. Parenting and being a stay at home mom is not all people think it is made out to be. Glorious for doing the best for your child, but not so glorious for the strings attached. Often this resentment is really dangerous cause it can lead to so much more spiraling downwards of the relationship when not caught early on and it sounds like you are doing exactly that. Good for you for being so aware and on top of it. Unfortanately a lot falls on us as SAHM and sometimes we need to lift our chins high and bare it. Other times just make time for you and your spouse cause that is so essential. You get so distant since you are in such different worlds if you don't make time for the relationship. I wish you lots of luck and you'll make it through this - it gets better ahead. Hang in there!