It seems to always be something with my husband and his job. I actually have a great job in terms of hours and pay. If he had my job, I would definitely be a stay at home mom. So he doesn't have to work that hard etc but he's so ambitious. Sometimes I think it bothers me mostly because we don't actually need his job to be super successful and it's backwards that my job always comes last as it's technically more important to our family finances. But then I think maybe money doesn't matter - being married to a workaholic likely stinks in general. I often consider it just selfish in his part. How do other people deal with it? Has anyone been able to change their workaholic husband?
EDIT: I appreciate the kind and/or constructive responses. To clarify a bit more - he was like this before kids but I thought it was bc he'd launched his own company and had the flexibility to work all the time. He works so much bc he seeks out more and more responsibility so in a way it's required. I actually could handle it if it seemed to make him happy but most of the time he's stressed and miserable about it. So if I'm crabby - he's worse! So let's see - we don't need him to make a lot of money and most of the time his job makes him unhappy. Obviously he's doing it for self-esteem reasons and it drives him insane that I make more than him but am I going to quit and then we have the stress of no health insurance at times etc? Not good either. I tell him quite often how smart I think he is - he is super smart! I suppose counseling for him as I don't think this is healthy or I just live with it.
Wow - Kimbery and Janae. I guess some people can always find a way to slam someone. I put in the part about my job making more money bc I anticipated people asking if my husband worked all the time for the money. I know there are probably lots of men out there working as many hours as my husband bc it's the only way to pay for the house etc. Since that's not our situation, it seems sometimes to be a shame that my husband is never around. And maybe it's true he doesn't want to be around me much. Thanks for pointing that out. I can be crabby when I'm tired from working full-time and doing 95% of the household and child care/management. If he was out on the golf course all the time, then I'd have more of a legitimate concern? I try to be supportive of his work ethic but it's also frustrating bc life shouldn't be all about work. If it is for him, then maybe he and I aren't right for each other. I won't leave bc of the kids but not sure wanting to enjoy our family makes me the obnoxious and self-centered person you describe me to be. I keep my job bc it's reliable and maintains health care etc. But as another mom put it, I'l continue to be Super Mom while he has little to no responsibility as a husband and father. Thanks
Workaholics use work to validate them as successful. If you can steer him to think he's successful in other things to validate his manly-ness he wont find the job so important anymore. Is that easy to do? NO!
First of all you cannot change anyone. They have to change for themselves, if they do it for someone else, then they probably won't stay that way and they will feel resentment.
Try talking more to your husband how you feel. Maybe his job is part of his identity. Maybe he feels lacking since he knows your job carries you guys, so doing his job gives him the satisfaction he needs internally.
Big sigh to start out. I come from a long line of workaholics. My grandfather was an obstetrician during the baby boom. He delivered 60 babies a month. If you think about it, that is intense, because the deliveries come at all hours, and are on top of daily appointments. He used to routinely fall asleep at the dinner table. My father was an ophthalmologist, and either did 12 surgeries per day or saw about 60 patients per day. I am not kidding. He was exhausted every night. The hard thing about workaholism is that it is so acceptable to our society. He is so successful! He makes lots!! If it were a drinking or gambling addiction no one would say it was ok. But the difficult truth in my opinion is that anything you do so excessively that it is ruining other parts of your life is a problem. My dad was completely blown away when I left for college. He didn't even know I was graduating high school! He looked so sad when I pulled out of the driveway. I don't know if people can change. I suspect maybe, but only if they can really see the issue and really want to. My grandpa never changed. My dad died at 60 and regretted it in his last weeks. They were really good men, but I have tried not to date a workaholic. My only advice is try to get him to see what he is missing out on, time with kids, your relationship, time for hobbies and reflection and to be a person. Good luck and apologies if this sounds down, it brings sad memories.
Make sure he knows that NO O. has ever requested this epitaph for their gravestone: I wish I had spent more time at work.
Your entire post was about you and how much more important your job is than his. Perhaps your husband is stressed about how much more you value your own career and how you devalue what he contributes. Perhaps you aren't asking the right questions.
Edit: This post does not "slam" you. I was simply pointing out something you may not have thought. I am sorry if you don't understand the difference.
Your husband will only change if HE wants to change. Likely, his entire identity is wrapped up in his work. It's how he sees himself and its how others see him.
Look at his parents.... is one of them a workaholic? Or, did they tell him he wouldn't amount to anything and that's why he is determined to be more?
"A-holics" can only change if they get to the root of the issue. otherwise they will change trade one "A-holic" in on another "A-holic" and that can be just as bad, or worse.
Does he want to change? Does he want to be at home more? Those are the questions you should ask. YOU can't change him.
Good Luck
B.
My husband used to be a workaholic, but age has mellowed him a bit. As our children have gotten a bit older he is realizing how quickly the years go by and he doesn't want to miss out on everything. Now he still works a lot, but he's home more often than he used to be. He is in sales, and he used to work on his day off a lot of the time because he didn't want to miss a sale. Now he is always home on his day off because he doesn't want to miss out on time with us. One thing that used to really get to him when he was working a lot was the song "Cat's in the Cradle," (When you coming home dad? I don't know when, but we'll get together then . . .). He hated that song because he was afraid it was telling the story of his life. It got him to change his ways. I was careful to be supportive of him without nagging. I just let him know that I loved having him around and missed him when he was working. I hope your husband changes. I know how hard it is. ((Hugs))
I have to concur with a couple of the other ladies that have said he might need a self esteem boost and may be getting or trying to get validation, identity and self-pride through that means. Maybe especially because you are the primary wage earner (not that I blame you for that or for putting it in your question, I think it's an important part of the background). I was a workaholic - and basically it was about pride, self esteem, identity. It was a big mistake because I wasn't developing other areas of my life... even more than that it was my excuse to not develop other areas of my life. Your husband needs help to break this cycle and get back in the big wide world that has so much more in it than anyone's job. I would talk with him about some boundaries around the job before he cuts himself off from other important things. He will likely need a lot of coaxing but it will be good for him and your family if you can help him.
I had a similiar problem - and the solution was having my husband take a less stressful job. Not sure that is an option for you - but mine was working 60 hours a week - plus getting on the computer and working all hours into the night - his management supported and encouraged him to do so. We took a 2 week vacation and they sent him with a laptop and bought a special tool so he could get wireless via satellite since we were in a state park.
it ultimately came down to two things - his health and our marriage. We were on the verge of divorce and he was constantly getting sick - physically - and had mental issues (anger, lashing out, etc) as a result of all the stress.
We talked, an opportunity arose, and he left his preferred industry of 18 years and took a new job in a less stressful environment. The change wasn't immediate (it's hard to go from 60 plus hours a week to a regular 40 hour) but after a few months he was my old husband again- less stressed, more happy and able to be HOME and not working - this was the biggest plus.
not sure this is an option for you - but it might be worth putting out there.
Good luck
AS IS...Respect him for who he is right now.
I wouldn't try to change him because perhaps you aren't everything he wanted either and maybe he is at work because he really prefers not to be around you and how negative you are about him and his work ethic.
Long story short, give him compliments, speak and think respectfully of him and what he contributes to your life. Some of the change you are looking for will need to begin with you. Start there and see where that takes you, my grandmother always said, "Stay sweet because sweet always gets you what you need."
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My husband used to be such a workaholic but he did slowly change over time. His dad is this way, although his dad is still a workaholic. He said growing up he didn't spend much time with his dad bc he was always working. He did realize he did not want to be like his dad but he just could not or did not want to change for a long time. We were together for about 10 years before he changed. It was a huge issue for me and I really had a hard time with it. Now I realize it was easier that it was before kids bc if he was doing that after we had kids it would really make me upset. I am not sure exactly why he changed. He finished grad school and a postdoc and after getting a good job I think he slowly became very confident in what he does and does not feel the need to prove himself anymore. Right before having kids he learned to downhill ski and he started realizing he missed out on a lot of good times when I would go skiing with friends and he would stay home and work. Then his best friend died in a freak accident and I think he started looking at life a little differently after that. Then we had kids and he hated being away and missing anything. He still has slight workaholic tendencies but he is soooo much better than he used to be. I don't think any of that really helps you. How do you help your husband 1. gain confidence and self esteem in his work life so he does not need to prove himself and 2. see the value of spending quality family time with you and the kids instead of working. Maybe therapy would help him. Does your husband admit he has a problem or does he not see it as a problem? It's so hard....I really know what you are going through and I hope it gets better for you.
You have asked two different questions so I'll answer them both.
Can a workaholic change? (Your initial question). yes!
Can you change your workaholic husband (your second question). No! You cannot change another person, so do not waste your time. You will fail. HE has to change and he has to want to do it. He can decide to and make a conscious effort, but you cannot do this for him. We cannot control other people, even if we love them. This is not in your control.
Most workaholic men I know have been removed as head of the home and don't know how to get it back (or know that they even need it.)
We are a military family so I am going to give you a military example.
Husband gets deployed and mom has to take over the family. She must be both mom and dad to the kids, she has to do it all. Before this mom and dad are King and Queen, but now, mom is Queen of the castle and dad isn't a king anymore, he is a prince. This is demoralizing to a man. He had a need to be KING, not prince. So what does he do? He goes somewhere where he is King... work. Most military men are noteworthy in their field, so they can do that right and get praised for it.
This can also be done slowly... ever say,"Oh that isn't how we discipline little Bobby! We are trying to do positive reinforcement" when your husband trys to get Bobby from throwing blocks and he puts him in timeout the "wrong" way? You have just told your husband that he doesn't know how to raise his child... you M. have just shut him down from EVER trying to stop Bobby again. There are 100's of things you can do that with... dishes, the laundry, were he takes off his shoes... of course he flees to work. He M. not even know why he likes work so much.
I suggest reading "the power of a praying wife". it is very good.
LOL, I was a workaholic and the only way I changed, was resigning and changing careers. Thank goodness I did because I never knew what sanity felt like away from the office.
