Never Seeing Eye to Eye...

My mother is really crazy. She is bipolar, mean, nasty, and a lot more.

When I had my first child I knew what had to be done. I was not going to let her screw up my children like she tried to do to me.
So I had to walk away, for good.

My life is better for doing so.

I wish you the best.

I almost cried reading this..I couldn't get through it all.

I can't imagine NOT talking to my mom....she's a HUGE part of my life....she doesn't like to talk on the phone - but she WILL talk with me.

My mother has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader my whole life - sometimes quietly cheering and other times in my face cheering....I can't imagine my mother EVER calling me names like your mom did!!

I'm SOOOOOOOO sorry!!!! I will share my mom with you!!!

Aww..I am so sad for you about this. I can't imagine how this must hurt. And now that you have kids of your own you realize the overpowering maternal love that we have for our kids and it really hits home how awful your mom is that she can't feel this. Honestly it sounds like she might even have a mental problem-or two!
It sounds like you are handling her just right. Just keep standing your ground and try to have as little contact as possible with her. I wouldn't let my kids with her alone either.

I could tell you stories that would curl your hair. My mom was bi polar and add to that she had no idea how to deal with a kids with ADD. I would tell her the kids picked on me at school and she told me I deserved it for whatever thing she was berating me for that week.

When I was 16 she told me that my brother and I should not try to come between her and dad, that he loves her but was just stuck with us. That was just too much and told her I thank god I am not genetically related to her because at least I know I won't be like her when I grow up. I was adopted by the way.

She started doing the same stuff to my older kids and I didn't allow her to see them for over a year. My younger two only knew her as crazy grandma since she developed Altzheimers when my youngest wasn't a year old. My brother and I agreed, god was punishing her for everything she did.

She died in January, I am finally at peace with her. This post was actually hard to type, I just don't feel anger anymore, I actually feel love. Kinda strange I suppose. I just wanted you to know you weren't alone. I also wanted you to know that it is okay to do what you need to stay emotionally healthy. :)

You have to give yourself HUGE credit for turning out normal with a mother who never validates you or gives you positive input. YOU ARE AMAZING! I would be a quivering mass of insecurity. Who takes away info about college from their own child? Who calls their own kid a fat little pig? Good for you for knowing that you do not have to cater to everyone at this party, and certainly follow you own schedule of events. If people need to leave early then they realize they may have to miss certain parts.
I am so sorry you have not known motherly love, but now you feel it from the other side and your heart knows what is right and what is wrong. Looking at this from the outside, I would say, have as little to do with her as possible. Yes she is your mother and everyone expects their mother to love them and do anything for them. Obviously the one who gave birth to you is not a real mother to you. For your own sanity and happiness, it is probably best to view her as having a mental illness and that she is doing the best she can, but her best is simply not good enough. I like CherylO's comment of sharing her mother with you. My mother is on her last legs at 88 but she is someone I look up to for always doing what she felt was right and giving us tough but unwavering love in order to teach us how to live our lives. I wish I could share her love with you too. (((((((hugs))))))))

Very controlling and manipulative.You can't change the past so try not to dwell on it. Learn from it and know what kind of mother you don't want to be. My friend is in the situation you are in. She mentally checked out from her mom. She still sees her on occasion, but she's indifferent to her. Nothing she says can hurt her. She says she's free of her now. The world sometimes is how you perceive it. You did right when you just got off the phone. You can't control what she says or does but you can control your reaction to it. Turn your energy to your family and do things your way. She had her time and now it's your time with your family.

Hang in there and stay strong ((((( hugs ))))))) and definitely do not open those presents any sooner than you had planned : )

Your mom is a verbal and emotional abuser. She may be mentally ill or she learned to be this way in her childhood and thinks it's 'normal'.

Find some positive mental attitude books and other types of self help books. Look into counseling so can learn how to deal with her. Sometimes being confrontational or standing up to her is the best thing you can do. When she puts you down--get up and walk out of the room or hang up the phone. Tell her in no uncertain terms 'I am done with your attitude, if you can't say something nice then shut your mouth'. Keep cutting her off until she learns that it doesn't work anymore.

Hugs for you for living thru what horrible things shes done to you. You dont always get the M. you need or want. You get what you get. You just have to accept her for what she is and if its not good for you and your kids, then you limit how often you see her. Back away and make the most of your life. When she is involved, you can be as polite as possible but dont expect anything from her. I wonder what her relationship was with her parents. She may have been treated even worse and you would have sympathy for her. Poor thing, she must be miserable being her.

I'm so so sorry. I also have a mom with issues. She is constantly thinking of herself and now that I have heard about narcissistic personality disorder I have read a lot about it and realize she is on that spectrum. She is always thinking about the way she looks. She always speaks without thinking first about what she is saying so often what she says is hurtful. I look back on my childhood and think about how I struggled with my self esteem. My father left when I was young and did not have much to do with my brother and I. I'd be struggling and my mom was so unthinking with how she dealt with me. She never really focused on me or asked how my day was and really took the time to find out. I'd try to bring up something very upsetting to me and she'd shrug it off. She still does this. She will then instantly launch into a story about herself. She would go on and on about how popular she was and tell these stories about how all the boys were fighting for her when I was struggling with being an unpopular kid. I didn't think much about it then but now I think, wow, how unsensitive was that? I love my mom but I think she could have done better in so many ways. I don't want to cut her out of my life, but if I lived close to her I would definitely set boundaries and keep my distance as much as possible. As an adult I live in a different state and we just talk on the phone regularly and visit each other on occasion. I know she will never change. I just strive to be a better, more compassionate, and more connected mom to my own children.

I'm so sorry you grew up like that. I'm sorry that she emotionally and verbally abused you. She sounds excessively controlling and competitive, and I have to admit that while I'm not a psychiatrist I found myself wondering if she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If not that, there's something severely wrong with a mother who chooses to treat her own child that way.

I have friends whose own mothers were a bit "cold" to them growing up, or contentious, but they have a decent if not distant relationship now. I have a couple of online friends who have mothers exactly as you describe and they're in some pretty intensive therapy and counseling for it. It's messed up their ability to look at themselves with love and with positive self-esteem. Their egos are in the toilet and they have very little self-worth.

My relationship with my mom is decent, although it could be better. I have issues because my father was a beast and I grew up with domestic violence. I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused and my mother didn't protect me nor did she divorce my father. So it's affecting my current relationship with her in some ways now. Especially with some current family problems that are going on as we speak.

Anyway, you're perfectly within your rights to cut her out of your life because she's toxic. You've tried to confront her and she's always going to deny what she did and what she does, so I don't think continually confronting her will do much good. It'll just frustrate you. Write it all down in a journal and hold on to it. But go ahead and cut ties with her.

Change your numbers, your e-mail, block her technologically. If she mails you something in the snail mail, don't open it but mark it "return to sender." If she tries to contact you through people, ask them not to pass along messages from her. If you see her at family functions be polite but behave as if she's an acquaintance and not your mother. If she comes to your home, don't let her in. You can tell her to get off your property and if she doesn't leave and even gets threatening then you can call 911 and have her removed. Do whatever it takes for her to get the message.

"thanks for your input, i'll consider it"
she sounds like a b**, there's a book out there about walking on egg shells w/people w/personality disorders: read it.
its called "walking on egg shells"

are you my long lost sister??? just kidding. but really, i'm 44 and an only child. my mom lives about a mile from me. she is the same way. i had to move in with her when i got divorced 5 years ago...so not fun. and it really got bad when i met my now husband, i think she is jealous as she only married when i was about 4 and it only lasted less than 2 years. so she is not a big man "fan" if that makes sense. so my hubby is great and she has been terrible since i met him. i can't just disown her, i'm her only child, and my 2 kids are her only grand kids. but what has really worked the last 4 years is that i have learned that i really can't say anything to her of any importance. i basically have to chat about the weather and ask about her job and keep info about the kids to the basics. otherwise she uses it against me! so now we really only see her on holidays/bday and sometimes the kids will spend the night at her house. but we keep our visits short and its been much better that way. maybe you can do the same? when she goes off about your cousin, just say, i will call my cousin and take care of it. literally remove her from these conversations, end them as quickly as possible. you do what is best for you and your hubby and kids and the rest doesn't matter. if your cousin has to leave early and miss half the party, who cares. and i'm sure they are used to making do with what is served and may even pack some things they can eat so who cares? not your problem to cater to them or your mom. this hit me when I was 39 and kicking out my crappy ex. life is too short to spend it unhappy and unfortunately, we don't have great moms, so we have to do what we can and my choice was to limit my contact with her without completely disowning her and i don't think she even KNOWS i've done this! So i hope you find something that will work for you. good luck!

My MIL and FIL had nothing nice to say about me from the time I started dating their daughter. My FIL was still cussing me on his death bed. I took my wife to see him and stood by his bed with the rest of the children while he berated me in front of everyone. I was nice to him all the way to his last breath. My BILs each came up to me afterwards, separately, and apologized to me for their father's tirade and behavior. (So did my MIL. ;-D ) My being nice finally paid off. My MIL went from mean and nasty to neutral after about 15 years. Now I'm her favorite SIL. They didn't like my frugality, but accepted my money when they had hard times and needed the money my frugality provided.

You can accomplish this with your mom if you take the same approach. Water, as soft and pliable as it is, can wear away granite. (Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon.) Be nice, be kind.

I would have thanked your mom for her input and suggestions and said something like, "Thanks mom, I'll keep that in mind." The day of the party I would have told your mom that I had some vegan food for the cousin. If she asked what, I'd have told her about the salad and what ever else.

BTW, only children seem to have a harder time than if they had multiple brothers and sisters in situations with a mom like yours. Your mom may think buying stuff for you shows love because she was treated that way by her parents. You are lucky to recognize that and have the intelligence to break the cycle. I'm glad you don't show your kids that is the way to show love. (Just a thought: When a husband wants to show his wife he loves her he is more apt to buy her something, jewelry, roses, a pretty sweater, than he is to wash the dishes or write her poetry.)

I hope you never get so mad at your children that you call them names like your mom called you. And if you accidently do, I know you will be humble enough to apologize so they won't think ill of you later on in life.

Good luck to you and yours.