Need Help to Get over This ( MIL Issue ).

Could there be something going on in her life that you don't know about? An illness? Loss of income? Death of a friend? Some kind of depression?

Has she been to visit the baby?

And how often do you acknowledge things happening in her life? Just wondering. Maybe she's disappointed that you don't realize some hardship she's going through. Maybe you've forgotten something important in her life. Maybe she's lost a good friend you're unaware of. Maybe there's something you just don't know about...

So there has been zero acknowledgement of the baby? None, zip, zero?

Or has there been acknowledgement but just not in the form of something physical?

Honestly, the more kids I had (8 total) the less 'stuff' there was. Of course I was told congratulations verbally, but card's/gifts, those kinda things slowly dwindled away. I know this is true for a lot of my larger family friends, and you are now considered a 'large' family. The first kid, is always a party, the second kid is a get together, the 3rd kid it's a meet and greet, after that well what are you expecting, it not like it's a 'new' thing. The 5th kid get's "Oh so you had another one".

I know that sounds horrible, but it's just the way it is.

EDITED TO ADD......................................

My MIL is a nut, but she is a good grandma. She has not bought a single new baby anything, not as a gift for being born. She does buy them things, but not trinkets to recognize their birth.

You really come across as materialistic, you say it's not about the gift and yet it is. The problem is that you ARE expecting something, and it's not her job to fulfill that expectation. Not with something physical, if she said 'congrat's' then she has done all that she needs to do.

ANOTHER EDIT...

It comes off that way because you aren't happy with just a verbal congrat's. She doesn't owe you or your DD a card with a note in it. Please don't get me wrong, I do understand your hurt, but again it falls back to your expectations, and sadly people won't always live up to them.

The more you think about it, the more hurt you will be. It has to do with you and not your MIL. You had an expectation that she did not meet and now you are feeling hurt. Do you see where I'm going here? I do not know why she is acting this way, but it really has nothing to do with you.There may be a reason why she is unable to share this event. Focus on your 3 sons and new daughter and be happy. She can join in with your joy if she is able to.

I would be more worried about her than angry if I were you.

Please do not take this personally. there's something awry in your MIL's mind. There's not a grandmother out there who wouldnt' want to be all over a first baby girl. There's a deep problem - maybe she miscarried a baby girl many years ago, or has intense resentments about things. maybe she's just jealous of you - you have her wonderful son, and now a perfect family, obviously, you don't have financial concerns and she does, etc. Mental health problems take all kinds of forms - you can't figure it out - she might not understand it - but it is definitely strange.

I truly believe that more than half of eveyone has some kind of mental helath problem - depression, anxiety, paranoia, OCD, etc - you MIL clearly has something that she has not dealt with that just can't get her to accept your sweet little bundle of pinkness & femininity. Instead spend time and your emotions around people who love your family - all of them - and don't worry aobut your MIL. I have a feeling that eventually she'll get past whatever problem sh ehas and she'll love your baby.

"If she truly feels awkward about buying the baby something after we've loaned them money, wouldn't you all think she would at least then acknowledge the lack of gift? "

No, because borrowing money - particularly from one's child - changes the dynamic of the relationship. People in this position tend to avoid interaction when possible. Sometimes the relationship never recovers.

That said, it isn't possible to know what is up with your MIL unless you want to ask her outright. That may or may not go well. Mostly, you'll just have to decide that you're not going to let it bother you. All the power in this scenario is in your hands.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!

After our first daughter, our other daughters never got a gift until their first birthday unless there was a holiday for gift-giving before then. But she gave in so many other ways. She's just from a different culture (off the boat Italian) and is in her late 70's so a gift for everything for every child in order to validate validate validate just isn't on her radar. I don't expect it, even if it stings a little sometimes if I compare to what it looks like her daughters' children get. But my daughters are her only son's children, so they get a little extra money at birthdays and Christmas. She gives them an extra strong hug making them think she's strangling them. She compliments them more, criticizes them more, than her daughters' children. She's more gentle in tone with them.

I don't worry about what she spends on them because she doesn't have much money. She shows them love in her own way. It took me a long, long time to figure that out. I wanted her to show them love the way my mom does or the way my own grandmothers did to me. But she's not them and she's not me. You can't force someone to be someone they're not. So I adjusted my expectations. I accepted her for who she is. I don't have to feel like I need to compare or forgive so much now. I look for the ways that she DOES show love... it's just that they're different than the ways I was looking for originally.

It's ok to feel how you feel but at this point you have to ask yourself what you'll gain by harboring this hurt. You can't go back in time and change things and it would be unfair to make your MIL feel bad since she can't change it now. I'm sure it was just an oversight on her part. Please give her the grace of forgiveness and you the peace in your heart knowing that you've been a wonderful daughter in law.

Who knows? My MIL has only seen my son now 2.7 months once, in August. My FIL has seen him twice. Why did my husband's grandmother make a really big deal out of giving us our wedding gift, for it to be a melamine blue and white picnic tray (yes, I'm serious) from Target? I mean we even had a special brunch with the family and everything because she was so excited.

And, why are they now excited about our 4 year old daughter when they hadn't seen her since she was an infant? Who knows is the only answer I have come up with. Some people are just "different" or odd....I would just accept it and move on. I know it's hard, but it is the best thing to do for your baby and yourself!

Have you talked to her about it?
Honestly, she may just not be as "into" being a grandma as you think she should be.
Not every woman loves being a grandmother, or maybe the novelty has worn off. Who knows? The only way to find out is to have a conversation with her.

Maybe your MiL is depressed. That can take away people's enjoyment in major life events as well as very basic things. A friend's father was able to attend her wedding, but too depressed to walk her down the aisle,dance with her, or make a toast. Her uncle did those things instead. It was very painful for everyone to watch. But I imagine that her father suffered most of all. He got better a while later, but he'll never get that day back.
Maybe she or your FiL is facing a health crisis that you are unaware of.

Added after your "so what happened": It seems you truly expect a tangible gift, however small, or else grandma doesn't make the grade. Have you simply ASKED her about it? "MIL, I'm surprised--when each boy was born you sent a gift but haven't acknowledge Daughter with one." Personally I would not do that, since it is frankly demanding a present, but you have very clear expectations of a gift. She may not be aware that you need a physical present from her in order to consider her officially Grandma to your fourth child and a decent MIL to you. Can you see that that is how your focus on a gift appears to others?

You say you "can't think of anything that would keep me from giving my first granddaughter something tangible." But that statement is about YOU -- and she is not you. Stop expecting her to be and stop expecting her to read your mind -- or alternatively, be frank about your demands, and tell her to gift up, grandma.

Wow.

Original reply:
It would help to know -- did she do anything like you describe when your sons were born? Did she send a "card with a sweet note" for each and every boy? If so, I get where you're coming from, and it would be right of your husband -- not you -- to say nicely, "Hey, mom, when each boy was born you at least sent a card. What's up?"

But I want to suggest that grandma might have other things going on -- yes, I know nothing is as important to you as your baby, but if she is an older grandma, has your husband checked in with her lately and in detail on her health, her finances, whether she needs work done around the house, whether she is worried about anything that is distracting her?

It's very easy, in the throes of happiness and being very busy when a new baby comes, to forget for a while that grandparents are older folks who have worries and issues. She might not be paying attention to your baby because she, herself, needs some form of help but is reluctant to ask -- "I know they're so busy with the baby, I don't want to bother them, I don't want to be a burden" and so on. Older folks often think this way and it's not wrong of them; they were raised to "not be a burden." Rather than being hurt by this, please consider that it may be totally unintentional -- it seems unlikely that she would, on purpose and knowingly, slight a six-month-old of either gender. If you and she had some tensions that you're not mentioning here, that's different, or if she flat-out has said "I like boys better" that's different too (and something your husband has to tell her to keep to herself from now on). But if nothing like those things is present -- your husband should check in on her and see if all is well.

Also ask yourself if your expectations about getting the baby things are realistic. Maybe grandma had money to get the boys stuff when they were babies and doesn't have as much now, or is getting scared of spending as she gets older and realizes she may need to save up for care, etc. You won't know unless husband really talks with her.

I can sure understand that this hurts. No matter what else is true about the situation, the hurt you feel is generated by your own thoughts, wishes, expectations, hopes, etc. Those are the only part of this problem that you have any chance of controlling – it simply isn't your business whether your MIL feels the kind of love that you wish she would. Any more than it's her business to expect you to adopt her way of feeling about anything.

It sounds like your kids are not missing the relationship that isn't there. How could they? This is what they know, and the people the know, and it doesn't cause them suffering unless you or their dad complains about what they're missing. Kids just don't have the broader experiences to know all the wonderful things some families can be. (Nor do they know all the horrible things some families can be.) Isn't that a relief?

So, since it sounds like most of your suffering is on behalf of your children, it would serve your whole family well to look at that and let it go. What does it serve? If you seriously in search of a strategy to let go, check out this site for a process that has helped me and thousands of people do exactly that: http://www.thework.com/index.php. There are free resources you can download, and many videos of people doing the work, so you can get a feel for whether it might help you.

Wishing you well.

I don't personally understand it, because I can't wait for grandkids, but not everyone is excited by grandkids. If she's not into granddaughters, there isn't a thing you can do about it.

Was she particularly excited by her grandsons?

Not everyone is particularly nurturing. Some people probably never should have even had their own kids. But why be hurt about that? It's not about you, or your baby -- she's probably just not that into kids.

OR, she might be going through things in her own life that you don't know about.

Let it go, and focus on the people who DO share your joy.

Any idea why? Did she think you shouldn't have been having any more children? What does your husband say? Does he understand his mother?

How does she treat your boys? Does she see them often? Does she hold it against you that you have a special needs child? Is she angry that this last baby was unplanned? Does she think you and your husband can't afford another baby?

I couldn't figure out what the issue might be from your past posts, so sorry. I don't have what I'd consider good advice for you, except perhaps to not expect anything from her. That way you aren't hurt as much if you have no real expectations...

Just keep loving your kids and your husband, and if you can't let it go, talk to a counselor. It will help.

I have a few questions. Does she ignore the baby? Does she pretend that she doesn't exist? Does she never ask about the baby or hold her when you do visit?

If no, then I don't see what the problem is. So what that you haven't received a card or gift for the baby. It's probably the embarrassment over not having any money. And you just need to let it go.

But if your MIL hasn't acknowledged the baby AT ALL - as in she pretends the baby doesn't even exist - that is hurtful behavior. And I would say your MIL needs professional help.

ETA:

Thank you for answering my questions. What you have to remember is your MIL is not your mother. Stop comparing their behaviors. My MIL isn't interested in our kids as much as her daughter's kids. And you know, that is her loss! I'm not going to be all wounded and wring my hands over her lack of interest. You shouldn't either.

My grandsons have two grandmas - me and their paternal grandmother. I do not shower them with lavish gifts and never have - not even as babies. My 17 year old grandson and I recently had a conversation where he told me that "we", he and I, have a REAL relationship because we talk whereas the other grandma only gives them stuff. He doesn't consider that he really has a relationship with her.

So, please don't count her out yet. She very well just may not be into "babies" anymore. I know I'm not. Don't care to hold them and glad to see them leave when mommy takes them home. They are just a lot of work. Doesn't mean I don't love them, but I will have my relationship with them when they get a bit older. And it hasn't hurt my relationship with any of them. I am EXTREMELY close to all of my grandchildren, whether I was completely involved in their infancy or not.

I'm also not a "card" person. It would not even occur to me to send you a card.

Focus more on your new baby than how you want your MIL to act about or towards the baby. All you can do is invite her to activities involving the baby and if she comes fine. If she doesn't she can never say you didn't involve her. Just because you are excited about baby#4 doesn't mean that she is too. I wanted my mom to be all excited about the birth of my daughter (her second grandchild, only girl) and she was simply indifferent for a long time. Not sure why and I was too busy being a mother to a newborn to even care or ask her. She was present and involved when she chose to be. I didn't understand "why" she was like this, but I knew that it would eat me alive....if I let it. The more you spend your time and thoughts on this - that's time you've taken from your new baby. The MIL might come around and then again might not. Just give it time.....to dissolve. Good luck.