Hi, Karen --
I'm sorry for all of you affected by this event. I'm sure it's really rocked everyone's world who cares about this wonderful woman.
When I was in my early 20s, I went through a very difficult time. I made some decisions that were a matter of psychological survival for myself, but I did so without confiding in anyone but my Mom and Grandmother. As a result, several of my "friends" took my actions as serious affront -- that I hadn't told them my plans or confided in them. It was such a shock to me - at a time when I was already going through more than I could bear -- that some of the people I'd considered my close friends took my response to my own difficulty as a slam against them, and they really punished me for it.
So, my advice to you is just this -- remember that this is about your friend and her family, and this difficult time may mean that in order for you to be the best friend you can be, you are going to be doing a lot of giving - or at least not doing a lot of expecting anything from her. I can tell from your post that you're a caring person, and I expect that you're already inclined to give your friend whatever space and care and peace you can. That's what she will need. I would try to be as calm and encouraging to her husband and family as possible, to be a listening ear and maybe especially an extra set of hands to help with things that still need to go on in life that your friend is not present to do. If your neighborhood can come together as a support system, just giving and trying not to intrude too much in the "dirty laundry," you could literally save their lives.
Sometimes, people are so predisposed to trying to make everyone happy that they sacrifice themselves in the process. It sounds to me as if your friend may have done this, since you've said she's a wonderful person and friend. She may just need some space to sort out whatever pressures have been going on in her head.
I'd say to just reassure her that you love her for the person that she is, not for anything she does or provides. She may need to know that everyone's love for her isn't based on anything but simply the wonderful person she is. The only friend of mine who stuck with me through my difficult time said to me, "I don't know that the decision you made was the right one for you, but I am here for you and I support you in whatever you feel you need to do for yourself." He and I are still close friends, as we have been for nearly 20 years. His compassion and my faith that he cared about my inner well-being was the thing that allowed me to feel loved and supported. I know you can do the same, giving generously of yourself and your concern, for your friend.
I wish you the best,
H.