Helping Family & Death... Sensitive Situation.

Well.... even if it is hard for your Fiance too, there is a "pecking order" so to speak. And the Wife of the Man in the hospital, is first.
How is SHE doing? She will be a Widow...

Then, the immediate family is also first, regarding what THEY need and wish for, upon a death. Not the friends. Even if the friend is like family.

And I guess, your Fiance considers himself like family, and he is considering they have all been BFF's for 20 years.
Still, he is not immediate family, AND this is not "His" Dad, that is going to die.
So no matter what, he does have to respect that, and the immediate family's need, for privacy.

*My late Dad was ill before he died. And in and out of the Hospital.
The last thing I wanted, was to have other people lingering around our home, or the hospital, no matter how well we knew them. Even if it was relatives.
All I wanted, was to be left alone, with my own Spouse and family. That's it.
Also, because my Dad was in the ICU of the Hospital, ONLY immediate family, could visit him anyway. It is very restrictive, about who can visit.
AND, as a family, they can request "no visitors" besides family.
For me, I knew my Dad was going to die. I was there before he died and when he died.
The LAST thing I wanted, was to have a non-family member, lingering around the room when my Dad died. It is a private matter. Very intimate and private. I had NO idea, when exactly my Dad was going to die. I just knew that he would die. And, even my Mom, ONLY wanted immediate family there.

So, I can understand this situation. Because I lived it.

There are Boundaries, at times like this... no matter how long you have known someone and no matter how close you are.

But, your Fiance has a sense of loyalty to them and closeness. He knew them for over 20 years. But so, If that were my Fiance... and I knew that about the family's wishes.. I, would talk to him.
Of course.
You can just say you are wondering about it. You don't have to tell him that someone else told you that. He may get hurt feelings.

And yes, emotions are always changing at times like this. Every given moment... it can change.
But ultimately, when there is a death or someone is ill and in the hospital dying, a person will say "let me know if you need anything... " to the family... And It is then up to the family of the deceased/or hospitalized, to decide, what help/when they want help and if they want company.
Friends/other relatives, should not become a focal point.

When someone passes, there is so much to do, so many details. If you can encourage your fiance to do more than simply sit at his friend's side, that might be helpful. Encourage your fiance to have a full tank of gas in his car, and plenty of change for parking meters and vending machines. He can go pick up food, or offer to go to the airport to meet family coming in from far away, or make phone calls, or give rides to people who may want to come to the hospital or the home but who may be elderly or too distraught to drive, or do errands that the grieving family need to do. He can make sure his friend and his friend's wife have a fresh cup of coffee, or that they have a meal. If he's organized, have him keep track of condolences that will begin arriving so thank-yous can be sent later. Being active and helpful, without intruding or prying, will be something your fiance can do for his friend. And if your fiance specifically tells his friend that he is ready and prepared and willing to do these things, his friend might really be glad to know that.

I don't think you should hint to your Fiance - just tell him. Say that the wife told you that her hubby will want to be alone. Then, reassure the hubby thet you are there for ANYTHING should you need them. You need to respect their feelings. Tell your hubby that. ut by all means, call and ask the wife what you can do (even while he is ICU). Bring food over, watch the kids, and be on call at all times for them.

Good luck!

I think if your fiance was there at the hospital would be a kind gesture and a good thing. HOWEVER.. he should be away, like in the waiting room (basically what SH said). And I say this only if he is like super close to the family, as in like a brother.

It's the aftermath when people usually want to be alone. A person can grieve in silence, by quietly sitting next to a person. Also, your fiance can be supportive from a distance. I would explain it to him that his friend wants alone time to grieve...that doesn't necessarily mean constant solitude though.

When my dad died, it drove me insane when other people claimed to be almost more grieved than I was, like they were needy for attention is how it comes off.... but then they disappeared and never even showed an ounce of support. I so could have punched them in the face.

It's a fine balance your fiance needs to tread. He really needs to be sensitive to his friend's emotions.

My mother-in-law passed away last Tuesday 3/22. The immediate family gathered for days. There were times in the first few days that friends of the family would stop by but it was always brief and usually with arms full of small things like food, snacks for the adults and kids, drinks, etc. The visit from non-family members would last from 5 minutes to 30 but then they would be on their way. We were grateful for the support of so many people who loved her but also grateful that they understood to pay their respects, show their love for those of us left behind and let us mourn the first few days as a family. By the time her viewing arrived we were able to spend a bit more time with people which has increased a bit each day. Immediate family needs time together...just them.

My prayers are with you all at this difficult time.

I think it would be nice for your guy to go and sit with/support/share with his friend. I think it will be apparent if he's overstaying his welcome b/c they are such good friends.
I think it would be nice if he went to the hospital before the death. And maybe a visit afterward.
If he could encourage his friend to express his love and gratitude to his father while he's still here....awesome.

I watched my dad die two year ago spent 15 days in the hospital with him I may different but the last thing I needed was another person asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. my best friend came up the first day then she just called to check, after he died and I got home that is when the break came and she was there. My husband was with me in the last few hours. I think as a good friend he needs to be there after, trust me it will all surface a few hours after ward and that is when he will need a friend.

I would suggest that your fiance call his friend and just offer his support if he needs it. Let the friend who's father is passing make the first move in asking for help. I just went through this when my brother passed away. It felt good to have friends offer to help out with the kids and meals. It's really hard to talk about it when your so close to it. The emotions are crazy and one minute he may feel like a friend and the next he really truly will want to be alone and process everything that is happening.

Good Luck & Prayers are with you all!

No one ever felt bad about people being there for support, however a lot of people have felt deserted when friends stayed away. Sounds like the wife in this situation may be trying to subtlely drive a wedge between her husband and your fiance'. After 20 years of male friendship, let your fiance' do what he feels is correct. You are correct that men and women deal with emotional issues differently, so don't count on your friend to know what is the best thing for 2 men to do for each other. She may not know the full relationship shared by the 3 men involved - her father in law could have been a 2nd father to your fiance' and made a part of that family long before she married into it herself.
You offering to help with the children is a good idea - for you and your relationship with your friend. However, you and your friend need to stay out of the guys' relationship and let them be there for each other and grieve in their way, not yours.
Everyone should go to the funeral when it happens - funerals are all about supporting the survivors and celebrating the life of the deceased. If they don't want the children there AND the children don't want to be there, then you should watch them during that time as part of your support for the family.
Anytime someone wants to control another person's actions or access to someone, it sends up all sorts of red flags for the relationship. Tread carefully whatever you decide to do in this situation.

Since they have known each other for 20 years, why is the wife passing the info to you? I think your fiance can simply talk to his friend..."Man, I want to be there with you, but I understand if you need this time to be with your family. I am willing to help with arrangements, food, child cares, etc...." Men do deal differently so it may be better if they just sorted it out between themselves, without you and your friend's wife.
I pray that you all have peace during this difficult time.

Hi R., I can completely relate to your situation--my mother died suddenly in December. It was 5 weeks from being healthy to when she was in hospice care and it came down to "when" rather than "if." I've never been through anything so tragic, emotional and overwhelming.

There are no rules in this situation. It's a crisis and people just need to do what they can do. One minute your husband's friend may need your husband and the next he may not want the closeness. It's all OK. What makes it tough is that your husband (and it sounds like you) are in shock and grieving as well. You may also need emotional support from others or the involved family. Take care of yourselves as well as your friends.

If I put myself in your situation I'd ask his wife what he needs and try to be the intermediary. Gently tell your husband that his friend may need space if that is what is needed. But, remember your husband may be sad also and he may be looking for comfort from you or his friend. In my experience the four of you will probably band together and support each other.

Immediately after death there are so many plans to be made and kids to take care of. You will be on auto pilot and help get the things accomplished. After a few weeks your friend will need lots of support--let him talk about the loss if he wants to, or let him just be alone to contemplate it all if that's what he needs. (And this may all happen in one week--its so crazy!). Take things day by day. What someone needs one day is not the same the next.

One solid piece of advice--i really appreciated quick texts from friends such as "how is everything today?" or "How are you doing?" or "Can I bring you dinner tonight?" It left me room to text back and explain or vent in my own words, and to know friends were thinking of me without expecting me to talk and go into things in person.

I'd be happy to talk with you more about it. You are all in my prayers.

i'm so sorry for everyone's difficult time here. it's a tough position for your guy to be in. he is not only there to support his friend, but dealing with his own grief as well. so very hard.
i think you're right, though. your friend wouldn't have mentioned it to you unless she was trusting you to help with this. it's not enough to hint. you have to sit your fiance down and gently tell him to let them have their time. afterwards is when you will both be badly needed. despite your fiance's personal grief (which i know your friends recognize and will acknowledge) the main thing right now is to get through this transition in the way they most want and need.
get the casseroles ready.
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khairete
S.