I am frustrated and I need advice.
I live in a suburban community with about 100 homes. It is a very safe neighborhood with lots of kids. Our community is all cul de sac, so there are rarely strangers driving through our streets.
I live right up agaisnt a small community park. My back yard gate opens up to the park. The park is tucked in the community, and the only way to get to it is by foot (no street right up against it). I can see the whole park from my kitchen/living room window, so I let my 6.5 yo DD go out alone (although she doesn't like playing alone, she will go out only if she sees her friends playing).
I have a neighbor who has a 4 yo and a 6 yo. The 6 yo girl is my DD's best friend and they love to play with each other. The 4 yo is a little boy, and he and the girls don't play that well together (the girls want to do girly or big kid stuff, and the 4 yo ends up getting upset).
The problem I have is, this neighbor lives across my house and so she cannot see the park from her house. I've seen the girls play together away from the 4 yo boy and this boy often runs home crying saying that the girls won't play with him. For him to go home, he has to cross the street (granted, it is a quiet neighborhood, but I don't think it is safe for a 4 yo to cross the street alone yet).
When this happens, the mom calls me and asks me if I can see the girls in the park. I feel annoyed because I feel pressured to keep on eye on her kids when she does this. If she doesn't want her son to feel left out, I think she should come out and play with him by pushing him on the swings or something.
Just yesterday, the girls needed to use the toilet, so they came in for a couple of minutes. During that 2-3 minutes, the little boy got upset and ran home and told his mom "the girls just left him and I don't know where they are." Of course his mom called me and asked if I could see the girls in the park. By the time she called me, the girls were back in the park, so I said "Yes, I can see them." The boy came out alone again in less than 5 minutes.
This sort of thing has been going on for more than half a year, and I have tried talking to this mom gently. I said "Maybe he needs a friend his age with a grown-up to play with him in the park since he often ends up feeling left alone?" But the mom just says "Oh, he's ok." or "I'm not really a play-with-little-kids type of mom."
Don't get me wrong. This mom is actually a very loving person to her children. She is sensible most of the time--just not when it comes to letting her kids play outside alone. I don't want to make this into a big deal like calling a child protective services or anything. But, I am getting tired of getting calls from her and feeling obligated to check on her kids... Should I just suck up and be generous? Or should I do something?
Wow, she better get over herself and pretend to be a "play with little kids type of mom" pretty darn quick, or she may end up with no little kids to play with.
Tell her you can't possibly keep tabs on her 4 year old son. I would tell her it makes you uncomfortable that she expects you to be responsible for him, and if she can't be out there with him herself, then he shouldn't be out there period.
Instead of making gentle suggestions like ,"maybe.." just tell her upfront. It's fine she isn't a 'playing with little kids" type woman. She doesn't need to be on the ground rolling around with a child, but can still sit on a bench and watch for strangers, or more than likely, cars, getting bullied, or him falling off of a slide and breaking his arm, and most commonly, him feeling left out and left up to his own lonely devices when the older kids run off.
Wow, that's hard. A lot depends on how you think this mom would take it if you seriously talk to her about it and how much you want to stay friends with her! It is very difficult to have that kind of conversation without sounding critical, which will just make her defensive.
But- in the end, this is a safety issue. Four IS too young to be playing alone, in the park, even a safe one, and six year old girls cannot be expected to mind a four year old either.
I would go over specifically to talk to her about this, or invite her to your house. Tell her firmly that you just don't feel comfortable trying to look out for her son, simply because you CAN'T ALWAYS SEE HIM, and that even though you understand she has never asked you specifically to do so, you feel responsible when she calls to ask you where he is or if you see him, etc.
Tell her that you would feel JUST TERRIBLE if something happened to her sweet little boy and you didn't see it or couldn't get to him in time.
You can't really tell the woman " Mom up and get out there and watch or play with your own kid!" I mean, you COULD, but it most likely won't get her to do it. Aside from the dangers of crazy people- which are always a possibility, you have all kinds of other things that can happen: traffic, a hole in the ground (how do you think those kids on TV news fall down wells??) stray dogs, bullies- the bad possibilities that can happen to an unattended four year old outside are pretty endless and all pretty horrible.
I am NOT a helicopter parent at all. My own son is almost 11 and very self sufficient. I was always the mom watching from the side of the playground to see how he dealt with something- but not stepping in unless I needed to. But I would never have just sent him to play in a park at age four.
Talk to the mom and try to be clear that you aren't criticizing her, but that you do think it is a safety issue and it is making you very uncomfortable. Hopefully that will make her reevaluate. If not- then I guess you are stuck looking out for this kid, because his mom isn't! You will be 'on the side of the angels' if you do- a kid's safety comes first!
Good luck!
I wonder what would happen if you didn't pick up the phone? Do you think that she'd go over and check for herself? I ask because not picking up the phone is probably the easiest, least confrontational way to handle this, but I wouldn't want to do that if it meant that the 4 year old would be really left totally unsupervised.
The other (admittedly kind of passive aggressive) way that you could handle this would be to talk to the 6 year old and tell them that you have to take a shower/make dinner/do your hair or something and so she needs to be extra responsible for her little brother when they're at the park. If you do this every time, it will probably get back to mom, but you've done nothing "wrong." Maybe she'd get the "hint."
I'm just trying to think of ways that you don't have to be in charge of her kids, while also not jeopardizing your relationship with her because of your daughter's friendship. This is a toughie.
Good luck.
This is not your responsibility, but don't expect it to stop unless you say something! Be honest with her and let her know that it makes you uncomfortable and suggest that maybe you rotate days. She can bring a book to the park or something to do, but a 4 yr old should NOT be left unsupervised on playground equipment. Then again, neither should two 6 yrs old. Not so much the "stranger danger", but the maturity of leaving three little ones with climbing equipment seems a little unwise.
Hmmmm....as everyone knows I don't subscribe to "What If" thinking. Clearly, no "what if he gets snatched, or run over by aliens who fell from the sky on Tuesday when the moon was full" is going on. The neighborhood is safe.
But the boy is a big PITA (pain in the @ss). Since he's a PITA and doesn't play well by himself, he should be with someone, as you've suggested.
I'd be straight with her. When she calls yet again about her son, heave a big sigh and launch into a rehearsed speech about how you won't be watching out for her son...it's not that he's unsafe. You've proven he's not unsafe, but he's not ready to be left by himself either.
When letting kids play outside, safety is one issue, yes, but maturity goes hand in hand. He's not mature enough to handle it.
Write down in simple language what you want to say. Memorize it, practice in front of the mirror and then tell her. I personally have a hard time putting my foot down, but when push comes to shove, as it has in this case, you need to. GL!!
Have to agree with the poster who suggested not answering the phone.
I would never let my 4 or 6 yr old out there by themselves, but that's just me. And I'm super paranoid.
My heart is also breaking for that poor little guy! But there's not much you can do about that.
I would refuse to take responsibility for her daughter (even though she's playing with yours). God forbid, what if something happened? To either kid? You KNOW you'd be the first person she asked. Then what?
I would just make myself unavailable when that phone rings.
Honestly, I'd probably still watch them, because I'd die if something happened, but I'd stop letting her put you in that position.
And you don't owe her an explanation for it, either. If she asks, you could say you were watching outside and didn't hear the phone. Or something like that.
I had to stop reading your letter when the chest pains began. Go to family watchdog.com and print out the registered sex offenders in your neighborhood and surrounding area -and hand it to your goofball neighbor! If you think that a four year old is a match for a preditor-or a six year old, for that matter, you are seriously mistaken-and Child Protective Services would agree with me. No four year old is eqipped to be left alone.
Updated
In addition to my previous posting, keep in mind-sex offenders aren't hanging out at the old age home or in front of the social security office-they're in neighborhoods and cul-de-sacs and school yards and play grounds!!!! Do you really think they care where you live? It's about opportunity-and clearly, the odds are in their favor-boys, in particular, are most likely to be their victims-but believe me-a girl will serve the purpose. What panic stricken mother is a reliable eye witness? Right-that's what they're counting on! If your neighbor doesn't want to play with her son-then she needs to hire someone to do it-or keep him inside where he is sort of safe. Does she resent feeding and clothing him, as well?
Just a thought, why don't you tell the other mother "No, I can't see the girls" when she calls (even if you can). Then she'll be forced to go check on them herself. She can't really call you out for being irresponsible--she's the one who is basically sending them out to the park on their own.
If that's too passive-aggresive for you, I would talk to her about it. Even if it's just to tell her what you're telling us. I thought your post was very thoughtful and well-written, so if you can communicate with this other mom as effectively as you've written your feelings in this post, your stance on the subject will be crystal clear. At least then if she continues with the same behavior, you would have made your point of view known to her and could easily bring it up if it continues to bother you.
there's so much inbetween calling CPS and continuing to be annoyed and worried. no, i would not just suck it up and be generous. i'd be courteous but very upfront.
i wasn't a play-with-little-kids sort of mom either so i get that, but 4 is too young to be completely unsupervised if not in his own yard, and the girls are too young to be in charge of him. either quit answering the phone when she calls, or tell her that you are not comfortable having to watch out the window for a child this young.
you don't have to run herd on her kids or blast her. just decline the ongoing assumption that you're the watchdog.
khairete
S.
I've had a varient of this problem myself; a neighbor of ours whose daughter was friends with my daughter (they are 9 and 10) started letting her youngest (who is 5) tag along. The younger kid is not able to do all the older girls want to do, and whenever she felt left out would run home crying to her mom. I didn't mind the littler one hang out at my house some times, but I didn't feel able to supervise her as much as she needed to be supervised, which was more than the older kids needed. I finally went over to the neighbor's and said, "Can we work out a system where (older daughter) can come over sometimes without (younger daughter)?" Result: the mom said that where Big Sister went, Little Sister went also, and after that she didn't speak to me for about three months. There is no winning in some situations. Just suck it up and tell this mom what you can and cannot do....but do bear in mind it may have an effect on your daughter's friendship with her oldest. That's what happened with us, sad to say. But the worst thing for everyone is for there to be any ambiguity about whether or not you're watching. If you can't, or don't want to, tell her. If there's a better way to deal with this, I'd love to hear it, but I don't see anything so far that strikes me as a brilliant solution. (Correction: the mom STILL isn't speaking to me.)
It is certainly not your job to watch somebody else's children. It is a HUGE responsibility. I am overly protective so I go everywhere with my daughter. I take her to the park and it kills me to see children playing unattended. I feel like I have to look out for everyone's kids. I was at the park once, and this boy fell and stabbed himself with the steering wheel of his bike. No parent around!!! He could barely breathe! I was scared and angry. Playgrounds seem innocent, but we have to be cautious. Just be honest with your neighbor.
Well.. I wouldn't call child protective services for this one. You are going to get a family that is basically a good family in a lot of trouble. People have different ideas of how much risk it too much risk for their kids. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing what she's doing, but I don't think it deserves being investigated or feeling under the threat of having their kids taken. Plus, if you do that, it will end any cordiality between your family and hers. She's figuring that you're keeping an eye on your daughter anyway, so she calls you. If I were you, I would either suck it up or tell her point blank that you are not comfortable feeling responsible for her kids, esp. the 4-year old.
We have people in our neighborhood that let their 3 and 5 yr olds run around without supervision. They run into the road without looking. One time my dad, who lives on the same street, was driving and saw one run across the road without looking so he stopped the car, figuring the other one would soon be darting out. She came out of the house, saw him sitting there and went in to get her dad, who chased his car down the street screaming at him, figuring him to be a predator, not realizing that his kids were really the problem. The community association had a meeting to discuss this family and another one, and the parents came and got very upset that people were upset with their kids. I have a 4 yo and a 7 yo, and I would never let either of them play unsupervised. The 4 yo knows no boundaries and even in a safe neighborhood there are people that can wander in. Unfortunately the world is not the same place as it was when we were little. I would tell her all the dangers that are present and that she needs to keep an eye on her child unless you invite him over for a play date.
Just tell her you CANNOT watch ALL the kids, much less hers.
AND tell her bluntly, you do not want to be responsible, by default, for her kids.
The 4 year old is alone... no supervision.....
Tell her, you have your own daily schedule and things to do, you CANNOT be on-call... to watch her children.
Just be blunt. Because she cannot take a hint.
And if something happens to HER kids.... she'd probably hold you responsible.
You are not responsible for her son and you need to tell her that. Do not answer the phone the next time she calls you to ask if you can see the kids. If you don't answer the phone, she'll have to either go look herself or figure out another way of handling the situation -- which is exactly what she should be doing anyway.
....Um, your 6 year old should not be playing outside alone either. Watching from a window is not good enough. You and the other mom should both be out with your children in the park.
Hi,
Yes, you are in a very uncomfortable situation. I would speak with the mom and say that while you enjoy watching the girls from time-to time, your responsibility is to your child, not hers. If she is going to have her 4 yr old come and play at the park, then she needs to be with him. You can't be responsible for watching him all the time. You trust your daughter enough at her age to play alone, but your not a babysitter and its not fair for her to assume you will just watch him all the time along with the girls. Explain to her that you can see your child from your window, but have gotten fed up with the phone calls and such regarding her son and his wearabouts. She may be pissed off, but so what? She is the parent and should be watching her kids-both of them and not rely on you to do it. You have things to do too! Good luck.
Molly
I hate when I see these posts like this where parents aren't watching their kids. It makes me sick. It only takes a second for someone to get out of their car and grab that little boy! Don't answer her calls everytime. That way she has to go check on her kids herself.
One of my pet peeve's is a mother leaving her child unattended. Especially outside. The possibilities of something terrible happening is huge. I used to live across the street from a mother who had an 20 month old. I could see her house out my front window. I watched many times as she let him play out front (in an un-fenced in yard) and she would run inside for a minute, leaving him alone. Many times I saw him head for the road, and just as I was about to run out my front door to grab him myself, she would pop back outside. He could have so easily been hit by a car. I would try to give her gentle hints that it was dangerous, but she continued to do it anyway. I was so happy when we moved. I was always afraid that little boy would get hit by a car and I would witness it. It was very stressful. Some mom's just don't get it. I would definately say something to this woman. Lord forbid, her daughter would disappear out of the park, who do you think she is going to blame? She will want to know why you weren't "watching" them. Its too stressful for you to have that responsibility on your shoulders. Either stop answering the phone when she calls, or just be blunt with her. Either way, the lady needs to wake up. Just because you live in a cul-de-sac does not mean that you are immune to crime. Good luck.
She doesn't have to be a "play with little kids type of mom", but she needs to at least be a "watch and be responsible for your own kids" mom! I would tell her at this point (and it would be hard not to be exasperated) that I really couldn't make sure I was keeping an eye on the 4 year old all the time, and that he obviously got upset a lot when it was just him and the girls, so if she was going to let him go over there to play -she needed to be with him.
wow...i read this and was disturbed. i personally would do something. it is one thing to have a kid to your house for a play date then clearly you are responsible for them. but at a park...accidents happen all the time...what if something were to happen to him - falling off monkey bars (breaking a leg) happened to a friend of mine's kid and both parents were with her at the park and another friend had an incident on a slide. you need to be upfront with her. she needs to be out there within viewing distance.
