Needs to Learn to Be Alone. I Worry for Her Future Relationships.

Hi D.:
I don't find it surprising at all,that your daughter still likes sleeping with you.Why,when you and she spend the majority of your nights alone,would either of you choose to be separated? With the man of the house not there for protection,she felt safe,and comforted being near you. Who said it was benificial or imperitive,that your child stay on her side of the wall,by herself,and you on the other?I understand your husband wanting to sleep with his wife alone, but he needs to understand,that part of his problem,is a direct result of the hours he must work. You created a close bond with your daughter,and this is not a negative thing. As a matter of fact,its a wonderful beginning for your relationship with her.By the time girls reach their teens,many have issues with their mothers. It's quite possible,that this time you've spent together.Relying on each other for support,while dads been busy away,may be the best thing that ever happened to you both.Because you provide care for other children in your home all week,I'd think that your daughter may feel a little cheated as well.When she sees you preoccupied with those children,maybe she see's her alone time,quality time with you, snuggling up at night. She's not afraid to sleep alone,that's her time. Where she has you all to herself.You sound like a busy mother,who tries desperately to fit all in and make everybody happy.It's obvious,that you adore your daughter and are concerned about her becoming A more independent individual.If I were you,I'd make sure I set aside special time for the two of you a few times a week.Wether it was to go shopping,or just to go treat yourselves to a sundae,and laugh and chat.I'd also get her involved in something outside the home. What ever she might enjoy.Dance,or drama,sports or art. Anything,that would help build self esteem,and help her to feel more independent.As far as her bedtime. I'd talk with her, and tell her,that you want her to enjoy her room you fixed for her,and that you want her to feel she can have a friend over once in a while for (sleepovers)I'd giggle and Make light of the fact,you can't fit her AND her friends in your bed. lol. So she needs to start getting use to using her bedroom.If need be. Let her lay with you a short time until she gets use to it.Or you could lay with her in her bed a short time and leave.I wish you and your darlin daughter the best. J. M.

D.,

It sounds like you both need some 'me' time. Is she interested in anything outside of school? Art, music, sports or friends that do activities? Try encouraging her to try new things or get out and play with other kids.

Also, she's not too young to talk to...talk to her about bedtime, and sleeping. Ask her why she comes to your room. Give her love and guidance, and show her that it's okay to be away from Mommy. Sit with her and read to her, or rub her back while she falls asleep. Let her know you're there if she NEEDS you, but otherwise it's good for her to sleep on her own.

Personally, my son and I co-sleep in variations and it's whatever he needs at the moment. But, he's only 30 months and I hope he's on his own by school age.

My sister was a clinger, and my Mom for sometime encouraged it and then went overboard trying to get her to be 'independent'. Once they communicated and my sister explained what SHE was interested in she found her niche.

She may also be feeling your stress. I know tough it is to have someone in your life that works swing or night shifts and how that can affect your day. Also, you have a daycare in your home and this may be putting a strain on how she feels about your closeness. You take care of someone else's kids ALL day, and she misses you when she's at school and just wants to be with you. My Mom was a teacher when we were kids, and sometimes it felt like she spent more time worrying about her students and how they were doing...not really true, but you get the idea.

I think independence needs to be nutured and taught...show her that you are fine without her and teach her thow to be okay without you...it will all work itself out.

Don't stress about it, and talk to your husband about how you can both help her overcome this phase in her life with love and support. Dad should be a part of the solution too!

Good Luck.

Well, how lucky are YOU?!
You are reacting to something that you should feel blessed and important! It is not long that she wont want your attention or feel she needs it, and you will wonder where that little girl went.
People these days are so diagnostic, and want to put a label on everything. Before you know it, someone will say she needs therapy and get caught up in a senseless web on ridiculousness, when your daughter is just loving you and loving to be next to you.
Be her mama.

Sincerely,

Wendy

I had a daycare in my home when my boys were babies through preschoolers. I thought it was a great way for me to be able to afford to be a stay at home Mom, and as a Preschool Teacher, it was interesting for me too. I did give the older boy a chance to go somewhere else a couple of days a week, too, a learning preschool that was just for him. It was a good life for us, but I wonder whether it made my boy more insecure, never having me to himself. Will your daughter talk to you about how she feels about the Daycare kids? Could she be feeling like she never has you to herself, except at night? When the boys were 2 and 4, the younger one was diagnosed with Autism. We had discontinued the DayCare by this time because we had moved to a new town, but the diagnosis changed our lives forever, and the focus from them to now has been on getting him the treatment and services he needs. So the older one never did get his mommy back. He is a healthy, well adjusted (super-achieving) young man, going to one of the country's best Academies of higher learning, and the Autistic one is doing well too, attending High School where he sings in the choir and runs on the track team. But the older one and I still have a strained relationship, It is much better since he has been in college, and we communicate mostly through email, but he still has a deep seated resentment toward me that he will not explain, that goes a long way back. Girls are usually more forthcoming than boys about their feelings, so I am just saying, I wouldn't push her into spending time alone until you have gotten to the bottom of what her insecurity is about. My boy, I realized late in life, is very gregarious and unlike me, does not really enjoy time alone. I now think he spent far too much time a lone while he was growing up, and wish I had welcomed him more into my moments of solitude, which, as you can imagine, were few and far between. Good luck!

Hello D.,

You've gotten great advice so far. I'd suggest you change her routine at night. get some lavender oil and put a few drops in a tissue and put it in her room. rub her feet, legs, arms, back, neck. eliminate high fructose corn syrup from her diet. figure out if any foods/ medicine affect her (like allergy meds, etc). there is also, valerian calm for kids (herbs for kids brand). I used to give it to my son mixed in his morning chocolate milk. and sometimes even at evening time. that helped a lot. sometimes when they get ready for school, I put a drop of lavender oil on their shirt so they have a more relax day. it does not make them sleepy nor zomby like...I think it helps w/ anxiety/clinginess, etc.

be very careful that she does not feel rejected as you're traing to transition her to her bed. Good luck and patience! ~C.~

There is a REAL good book called "Sleep Solutions". You can find it on Amazon and even get it cheap used. As far as building independance, do you have her in sports, Girl Scouts or play group? Also, look for clubs in her school or going to church and making friends there...Hope it gets better for you. I know the strain this must be putting on your marriage. Keep your chin up :)

S.
http://www.ContentMommy.com

I think letting her co sleep and snuggle with you is the best thing you can do. Maybe she just wants her alone time with you since she shares you with other children during pre school hours. I would charish the times that she wants to be close knowing that as she goes into her early teens that will most likely change. She may even feel confused or challenged with the environment being inconsistent and feel as though she is being taken away from you when your husband comes home. I co-sleep with my twins and I notice that when I am really busy with my schedule that she wants to sleep closer to me and when she gets the time she needs she sleeps a bit further from me in the bed. Maybe this is a similar reaction in her needing to be closer with you. I think that maybe she feels more secure she will feel better being alone, but I would not push her into playing alone. I would view her closeness to you as a blessing. Also, does she have any friends her age that she can spend time with each week. I must admit that I am single so I do not have a husband that I share a bed with and disagree with in this matter so in that regard it is easier for me. I do have several happily married twin mom friends though that continue to co sleep with their children and make it work. Maybe there are variations that you could work with in her falling to sleep. Maybe you snuggle with her in her bed. I am sure you and your husband need that alone time. Thats the only challenge that I see and the best thing would be for you to agree on something and be consistent so that she does not feel as though she is being taken away from her mommy. Just some thoughts without knowing more detail. I hope it helps. I read Julia Ms post and totally agree with her. I thought she brought up some good points.

Hi D.. When I got married, the best piece of advice my mom gave me is that you have to put your marriage ahead of your children. If children see a good marriage then they feel secure, even if in the short term they feel mad or rejected that they are being pushed out of the bed. That is your husband's bed! It is not conducive to a good sex life or good sleep habits for any of you to have an eight year-old in bed with mom. Try sleeping in her bed with her until she falls asleep then go to your own bed and wait for your husband. Then after a few days let her try to fall asleep by herself. Trust me, the best gift you can give your child is a happy marriage and good sleep habits. If both parents do not agree on a way to handle something, the best bet is to go with what benefits the MARRIAGE most.

Also, try to have your husband spend more one-on-one time with your daughter. As she gets older she needs to know that Dad is comfortable with her as her body changes. This will give her more self-esteem and help her feel secure as well.

did you try a pet? to be resposible for someone/something helps "grow up" : )
V

Every child is different. Our daughter went back and forth between sleeping with us and not. In our case it was more my husband's idea than mine since for a while he was taking night classes and getting home late from his work because of how far he worked. At times it was at least time for him to be with her. She slept with us as a baby and then went to her bed where I would stay with her until she fell asleep. then she came back with us and stayed there for quite some time. When we wanted time to ourselves we would explain that she needed to go to sleep in her room for a while because we had things to do and we would come get her when we went to sleep. That worked fine. WE have an intercom system throughout the house and we just told her taht if she needed us she should buzz us and one of us would come to her. Then there was no problem with her wlking in. She is now 12 and has been in her own bed for at least 2 years. It went amazingly smoothly when we made the transition. I stayed with her a few times and then she decided she could do it on her own and didn't need me there anymore. It was crowded, but we really enjoyed being close to her and we slept pretty well. It has not had any bad effects on her. Perhaps you could suggest to your husband that there is a way to work around your time together. Good luck!

My daughter is the same like your daughter. She is 8 also, with the same self asteem issues. Is your daughter a middle child by chance? My husband also works later shifts and he gets upset if she's in our room. I gave her a choice to have me seat in her room till she sleeps or she can take her blow up bed into her sisters room. This works for me at least she is not in my room. I have three girls 10, 8, 17 months and they are all totally different. She just requires more love from you then other children might. Take it in stride and see if that works for you or not but just be patience and understand and she'll find her way and you'll miss that attention when she's older.

I read almost all of what everyone wrote and I agree on some points but not others. I think her falling asleep with you is fine but why don't you just mover her over to her bed after she falls asleep.

also have you talked with her and your husband aboout the sleeping arrangemnets. Do you mind if your daughter sleeps with you? I know on this website everyone always says that both parents have to be against it or for it for it o work. So if your husband doesn't like her sleeping in your bed then tell you daughter that she is a big girl and needs to sleep in her own bed. and That you will sit next to her bed but she needs to be in her bed at night. I only say this not to be mean or anything but if she is the clingy personality simular to my son I have a feeling unless you put an end to the cosleeping now she may be in your bed until she is 11 or 12. My son is very clingy and shy and he cosleeped with my husband and I for a year or so but it become uncomfortable for all of us so we told he he has to sleep in his bed and that was it. and now he is 4 and doing fine and loves his new bed.