Needing Words of Wisdom with 2Nd Baby

I felt exactly the same way. Logically you know you can love two, but in your heart its just hard to imagine having the same intense feelings for a second. After my son was actually born I didn't get to see my daughter for 4 days because I was in the hospital and they wouldn't let children visit. I was depressed about this. When I finally saw her it was at my in-laws house (on Thanksgiving) and she was busy playing with her cousin, so I didn't get the reaction from her that I expected, like hugging and kissing me and running toward me. She just sort of said "mama" and continued playing. Well I had a total meltdown in the bathroom thinking irrationally that she didn't even miss me and everything would be totally different now. It took a couple weeks but when everything settled down and I realized I was just being hormonal and she did miss me when I was gone as much as I missed her. And your love will expand instead of being split. Yes your attention is divided sometimes but everyone will adjust in time. And your first child will have a sibling to love and play with too.

I felt this way. Obsessed about it. Read about it and researched it. Come to find out, it was a much easier transition than I thought possible.We just went through this. My daughter was born in a month before my son turned 3. I was pleasantly surprised at how well the transition went.

You will absolutely love your baby as much as you older son! There is no doubt about that. A mother's hear has plenty of room!

I made a big deal out of my son being the big brother and how this was "our" baby. He helped get her room ready. I would let him help me clean...I used Chlorox wipes while he scrubbed with baby wipes. I picked three burp cloths I liked and he picked what we bought out of those three. I was attempting to avoid any jealousy or abandonment issues.

We did get our son a "big brother" gift. We bought him a toddler camera. Originally, we planned to give it to him at the hospital, but since I was induced, we decided to give it to him the night before. We told him it was his job to help get extra pictures of his new baby sister. We made a big deal out of the fact that it was a big brother gift. Our theory was that while everyone oohed and aahhhed over the baby, he would be distracted by the camera and not get terribly jealous...we knew he would get bored. I think he took pictures of everything but his sister! (the floor, trash cans, my IVs, etc.), but it worked perfectly, he had something to do while he was at the hospital.

His Aunt also filled a little cardboard suitcase with things to occupy him if he is waiting around at the hospital - coloring books, cars, stories etc. I think all the toys were purchased at the dollar store, but he really enjoyed that little suitcase.

I breastfed...that was a little trickier for me to figure out how to include my son. While we were at the hospital, I just let him sit close and watch. It gave me a chance to explain what was happening. When we got home I started having him help by setting the boppy pillow on my lap. I started feeding her in our recliner, because I learned that he could climb up and sit on the foot rest. Many times I would feed his sister and he would climb up and rests his head on the boppy on the other side. We would sit a chat or if he was willing to turn the pages, I'd read to them. And sometimes we just watch some cartoons together. I have really enjoyed that time with my kids.

I made sure to have a step stool near the changing table so he could watch what's going on. That was a great idea. He loves it...he talks and entertains his sister during diaper changes. It also makes it where he can reach the diaper basket. He enjoys bringing me diapers when I ask. She is now 18 months old and he still helps with diaper changes.

When we brought our daughter home, I knew those first few days would be the toughest on him. I knew I would be consumed with taking care of baby. We tried to prepare him for that before hand - often with books about babies (McDuff and the Baby was most helpful). We had help to entertain him, but I made sure that no matter what - I put him to bed. I made the time to lay with him talk, cuddle and play. A few times that meant that he went to bed later, working around the new baby, but it didn't matter. For that first week I think that time was much more valuably spent together than staying on some sort of schedule.

I was really concerned about the transition before our daughter arrived. I researched and asked questions...I think I over thought things. The transition was rather easy, I think he was as excited about the new addition as we were. Sure, we had a few rough days...days where big brother was out of sorts and cranky. And days where he wanted to be cuddled and carried and told me to "put down the baby". But overall it was absolutely wonderful. Congratulations!!!

Oh, totally!!! And my first was/is an ANGEL BABY!! We almost lost her at birth, she was in the NICU, and now needs therapies to recover from a stroke during delivery. So you can imagine how I felt about splitting the love I felt for my only precious baby with another one, when I found out I was pregnant again. I asked my mom (who had 4 of us) how it's possible to love another baby the same way or to share love with other kids when you can't imagine taking it away from your first born. And as always, mom was right. You develop new feelings of love and attachment for the next baby and it doesn't diminish the feelings you have for the first. The only area you may feel guilty about (at least I do) is the time you spend with each one. It seems there never is enough time to spend with each child. So you take advantage of every cuddly moment with each one and you do lots of hugs with both kids (all, depending of how many you have) and say lots of "Mommy loves ALL her kiddos!" Which is what I do regularly. I also notice that you get different things from one kid than from the other(s)... one loves to have my arm around her and cuddle, the other one doesn't. But I get different bursts of love and attention from the other one that are unique to her. I'm about to have baby #3 (my first boy!) and now find myself very excited to see what having a boy is all about, compared to my 2 girls. Also I now know you CAN share love equally and feel just as attached to all of your children, now that I've "been there." You'll do just fine! Just wait! Congrats!! :)

I love the way Dr. Phil puts it. He says we have a different "love account" for each person in our lives, and we draw on those accounts. Every love is different, and no one draws love from another account. Our everyday experiences fill the accounts. A new baby means you are opening a new account! It will be a different love for you, and for your son. He's opening a new account, too!

Our situation was a little different because our kids are only 21 months apart, so our son really didn't have the chance to get accustomed to being the only child too long before his sister arrived.

You will find that you'll hold a special place in your heart for your first child. But, you'll love the second child completely differently. They'll have different personalities, different interests, different needs.

My only advice to help maintain balance is to make sure to reserve special time for your older child as often as possible. Make a standing date for reading books in the evening one-on-one with either Mommy or Daddy or once/week to do something special like a trip to the park. I'd also recommend having him help as much as possible and praise him for being so helpful when the baby needs such a different kind of attention.

Luckily, we have one son and one daughter, so I can tell them each that they're my favorite boy or my favorite girl without having to worry about jealousy or competition down the road.

Good luck! You'll do beautifully.

My husband worried about that when I was pregnant with our second boy. He is such a doting dad and also a full-time caregiver (works evenings, so he does everything). It is amazing how your family feels more and more complete as it grows. Just like when you add your first and you wonder, "will be still be friends? will se still have time to be a couple?" your heart just has more and more to go around, and when your older child starts realizing how great it is to be a big brother, and wants his little brother to take his baths with him, to share his room, to use his silverware correctly, it gets that much better.

I have three children, each planned for and anticipated and loved each one without a second thought. If you feel anxious, you will influence your son who may feel what you feel. Act happy and excited and share that with him, telling him about his new sister or brother. Kids love babies and it's normal for a familly to grow, adding siblings. Yes, the dynamics will change, but you can still continue to give him "his time" alone at times and there will be times with the whole family that he'll share with his baby sister or brother. Your first child is all your know so it's normal for you to compare, but every child is special and wonderful and look forward to the joys of a new baby, new child in your home. Congratulations and good luck!

It is normal to feel like this , you love your child so much you try to rationalise in your head how you could love someone else the same , but you do , as soon as that baby arrives you have the overwhelming floods of love for them. Your son is a good age to understand that he is going to have a brother , and a good age to help you with getting diapers or a blanket , this will make him feel like the "big brother" he is if you let him help you and you telling him how good a big brother he is for helping you with the baby. I won't tell you that you won't get any resentment from him , because you may well do , he's had you all to himself for 4 yrs , but he will get over it and you just need to remember to take some time for just him , when the baby is sleeping sit and do something with your son , read a book , help him to make something , also when you are feeding the baby is a good time to have your son sit with and read to him , just remember to tell him that you love him and are proud of him.

Congratulation on your new baby!

I have 4 kids and your thoughts are normal. I do have some suggestions to help your son adapt to a new baby.

First, refer to the baby as his brother or sister or as "our" baby. I had the book "What to Expect While you are Expecting" and I would sit down with the kids and talk about what was going on inside with the baby. I kept them involved with the name picking. I also let eveyone guess what day the baby would be born on, how much it would weigh etc.

Talk to your son about his feelings. You can get a great age appropriate book at the book store about becoming a big brother. It explains how wonderful it is to be a big brother and all the things big brothers get to do that babies dont' get to do.

I also encouraged (but didn't push) my children to be involved when the baby came home. Help get diapers for changing time, help with bath time etc. It is also good to have a "special time" for big brother and you. When baby goes down for nap forget about the laundry for 10 minutes and have a quick cuddle time or a quick story time. Make sure you acknowledge what a wonderful big brother he is being.

You can expect some sort of regression because it is perfectly normal. I had to constantly remind my children that I did love when they were little, but I REALLY love them being big and I give them examples ( I love when we talk, i love when you help me pick up toys, I love when you draw me pictures and share a slice of pizza with me).

Congrats on your soon to be new addition. Get some rest and don't doubt your ability as a mother!!

Honestly, I never felt I wouldn't love my second son as much as I did my first, but I've spoken with lots that felt that way. I am 100% positive you will love and adore this child as much as you do your first. Parents have an endless supply of love no matter how many children they have. Your son will probably have a hard time for a while and will more than likely take it out on you. My son was 3 when his brother was born and he wasn't too thrilled and did act up a bit, but we kept the routine as normal as possible. We overlooked the little misbehaviors, but didn't allow him to go wild. We stuck by our rules, so he had a sense of normalcy. Everything will turn out fine, just give it time. Good luck!!

Hi H.,

Yes, children go through this and are fine. In fact they are better because it stretches them and they learn so much about life. Little ones will grow and flourish with every change, even bad ones, if we teach them how to move through it and forward. Your little one will not think you will love him less. Even if there are fleeting moments of jealousy it will give you the opportunity to share how much you love him even more. Make sure he knows this baby is a gift for him as well as you and Daddy.

I did think briefly that I loved things the way they were and it might change my relationship with my daughter. It didn't. She and I both did just fine!

God bless,

M.

My best friend sent me this when I was expecting number two. So sweet and so true.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. —Author Unknown

I just had my second daughter 3 weeks ago and I also have a 4 year old little girl. I was so worried about all the same things you are talking about. But thank goodness my older daughter loves everything about her sister and is a huge helper!! She holds the baby all the time!
I do reassure my older daughter that no matter what I love her and I think she gets that because I say it so much!! I think her helping also makes it better too. I also always tell her things she did when she was a baby compared to the baby.
Oh, and don't worry about not loving this one more or less, because it will come natural and when you see them together it is even better!

I had the same thoughts, my boys are almost 3 years apart. Just make sure you save time every day to play with your oldest son, we even bought a special gift for him to open in the hospital and that really helped. Also include big brother in as much as you can with helping the baby. He will be able to hold the bottle or even go and get diapers and things for you. That really helped/helps my son feel important and needed. I thought I wouldn't be able to love them the same amount either but when my youngest was born that all changed. I love them both equally and it is the greatest feeling in the world. Good luck, congrats, and god bless.

I had that exact conversation with my midwife. My first son still holds an amazing place in my heart and he always will, but I can't imagine not having my now 6 month old second child in my life. I love him as much as I love number 1. It is normal to feel that way and I've heard you wonder that about number two, but by numbers three and up, you don't worry so much because you know you will.

My boys are close and I tandem nursed, so I don't have that much insight into bringing a baby home with a 4 year old. Just involve him as much as possible at the hospital (or at home if it's a homebirth). I packed surprises in my bag for my son to get at the hospital and he came home to an exciting toy when we came back from the hospital. I made sure to read "I'm a big brother now". A really cute book that he wasn't too interested in, but wanted to read a lot once baby brother was here. I try to give him lots of mommy time when possible.

I lucked out because number 2 is a great sleeper and so after a few weeks, I could go back to doing my bedtime routine with my first son and he and I enjoyed that. Grandma and grandpa also came to pick him up and take him special places.

I've noticed a bit of jealousy, but he always makes sure his baby brother is with us and going to be coming on all family activities.

Enjoy! Good luck and congratulations!