Needing Advice on How to Handle Siblings Who Were Not in Father's Will

Personaly, I would a) get an estate attny to go over the details of the inheiratance(sp?) and what it means. b) Get an accountnat or financial planner who specializes in these situations, you may be liable for taxes ect, and if and when and what you decide to do with the money, he/she will be able to advise you an the best way to accomplish it. And C) I would tell my siblings that the next person to ask about or mention it will have his portion donated to charity (a foundation for suicide victims would be good)

Dear J.,

I am so sorry for your loss. That is such a hard way to lose a parent, and I'm sure you are still grieving from the shock of his death as well as the difficult situation you are now in with your siblings.

I think it is wonderful that you intend to share the money, and I think that is the right thing to do. However, while everyone is still so emotional and torn up over your father's death, it might be a good idea to put it in a savings account or something similar, so that it is safe and can't be easily used. Then, after things have settled down and everyone is further past the initial shock and sadness, you can figure out the best way to share the money with them. I think it is very important for every child to receive some type of inheritance or acknowledgement of their legitimate place in the family, and it is normal for them to look for something - anything - that will validate their place in the family and their relationship with their father. Even though you were clearly the main caregiver, it will be a huge blessing you can give them to share this with them. Put it aside and write your siblings a short letter, explaining to them that you care about them and their feelings and that you intend to see that each person receives something from this money (I wouldn't be specific about amounts). Tell them in the letter that you are not trying to hold it over them or hold it up, but that you think everyone needs to cool off and get back to normal before you proceed. Tell them you love them and will do what is right, but nobody can tell you what that is - you have to come to that decision alone. And tell them also that, the more they antagonize you over it, the longer it will take to settle it! They need to know there is a boundary here - the money was left to you, and it is your right and obligation to decide how to handle it. While I know that legally you can keep it all, I admire you and respect you for knowing in your heart that the right thing to do is share it with them. It doesn't have to be an equal split, but they do need to receive something to give them a sense of peace, closure, and validation in the midst of a terrible tragedy that will take years to work through.

God bless you and all your family as you continue to grieve and work through the healing process. You have an important role in the healing of your family, and I wish you all the best.

I highly advise you to seek the assistance of a probate/tax attorney. I am a probate & tax attorney but I have a full time job as CFO of a co and can't assist you. I highly recommend Diane Reis in Plano; google her name for a web site. There are income tax and possible gift tax ramifications to your proposed gift to your siblings of a portion of the 401(k). It is your choice if you choose to make a gift to your siblings, and it is most common for siblings to be hurt during a time like this. Anger is one of the phases of grief and you are a good target because you have the money. Try to forgive them. But as to the 401(k), there is a better way to handle it if you choose to make the gift to your siblings. You can "disclaim" a portion of the gift (however much you want to allow to go to your siblings), and that much will pass to your siblings (although one has to read the beneficiary designation statement and the 401(k) docs to be sure). If you disclaim, then all income tax associated with the portion that goes to the siblings will be handled by the siblings. Also it takes the load off you as to their questions about the amount. If for ex you have two siblings, you could disclaim 2/3 of the 401(k) and then each of the other two would get 1/3; they would have to fill out their own paperwork to get their share of the 401(k) and deal directly with the company that administers the plan. You need an atty that can read the documents for you and help you to file the disclaimer - if that is what you choose to do. I am really sorry for your loss. Take good care of yourself and know that eventually your pain will be replaced with fond memories.

When you are greiving is no time to deal with this. Set the funds aside in a safe account and tell your siblings that after your father has been gone a year, you will deal with this side of things. If they fuss, remind them that this is your decision and that you are not up to making it right now. You do not have to give them any dollar amounts or anything else.

Personally, I think you need to understand the tax implementations of "giving" them money that was not left to them in the estate. I would thoroughly understand all of the implications before you make your decisions.

-L.

You looked after him until he died? I'm sorry - fair does not always mean equal. I would absolutely talk to a lawyer, and honestly, I'd keep half - they'll accuse you of it anyway - and let them do the paperwork to split the other half between them.

*hugs*
I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

S.

I can share an experience my mother had when my aunt died. She had quite a bit of money and had a Will naming the other 3 sisters that were still living. Somehow that will got changed (even though she was blind as a bat) and the other 2 sisters were the only beneficiaries under the Will. My mother took care of my aunt, changed diapers, etc because she was bedridden for over 5 years. I do not believe my aunt took her out of the will. I think my other aunts changed it and had her sign it without telling her that my mother was left out. Anyway, when my aunt died, one of my other aunts came up to my mother at the funeral and told her that she was not in the will in front of everyone. My mother was embarrased and heartbroken because she had taken care of her so long. I wrote my two aunts a letter and told them that even though my mother was not in the will that they could do the right thing and split it with her. THEY DID NOT! I have tried to do the Christian thing and forgive them but I have not been able to. It hurt my mother so badly.
I am not sure what kind of relationship he had with them but I would tell them that you are giving them part of the money even though you do not have to. I would not show them the paperwork. If they give you a hard time, don't give them anything. They should be grateful that you are willing to split the money between them. I hope things work out with you.

Sorry for your loss. I also had major problems when my mother passed away with my siblings. They flat out demanded that if I had an insurance policy on her I had to share it. They accused me of hiding money, taking things from the house you name it. My mother also commited suicide. She was diabetic and quit her insulin and ate nothing but chocolate and OJ till she had a seizure and went in a coma. They even accused me of knowing she was doing this and not trying to stop her. My first instinct was to share with them all. But they ruined my greiving process and never gave me the chance to suffer the loss. I had to make all arrangements everything and then they complained about everything I did. So in a nut shell. If you took sole care of him and final burderns were placed on you then honor your fathers wishes. Unless you absolutely need the money if there are grandkids you may be able to divide the money and it is no ones business how much it is. Take each portion that would have gone to siblings and place it in accounts for each of their children with your name on it with theirs. The parents can not touch it that way with out you. You will feel better for sharing and they can live with their selfiness. Good Luck

J.,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It seems as your father wanted you to take care of his business after he was gone. Since you were the one that took care of him and had gotten close, he entrusted you with his affairs. It is a huge responsiblity. Your siblings also need to understand that you will not get all the money from the profit sharing money because you will need to pay other expenses that your father has left behind.

I am sure your siblings are angry and I have seen first hand when a death of a family member can do to siblings and immediate family. However, your dad asked you to be beneficiary and to do with whatever needed to be done. Whem my husband's mother passed away, he was the executor - He gave money to the grandchildren and put it in a trust for college when they got older. His mother I am sure would have wanted that.

We have an irrevocable Living Trust which will not go into probate and not have all the taxes to pay. We also made sure that we specified where everything was to go. It is hard on the beneficary to make decisions when it is not written in stone, or should I say, the will.

I would let things settle down and see where it goes. Good luck and I'll be praying for your situation.

M..

I went thru something alot like this when my Dad died, 5 years ago. He had made our oldest sister of 6 his beneficiary. I know that his thoughts were that she would have the right mind to do what is right, which she did. After paying off what was needed, the money was split 6 ways.
Do what you know your Father would have wanted you to do!
God knows your heart and that you are a good person.
I pray that God has helped you thru alot of the pain and know that He is always there for you.

We have been in that position--only my husband was the one left out!!! His dad was a vindictive person and wanted to be in control of my husband. He changed the will and left it all to the older sister; both boys were left out. His dad said that the sister could include them "if she wanted to." That put her in an awkward position and created a rift in the family.

Never mind the fact that my husband worked for a period of time with his dad and split his ENTIRE commissions with his dad, who certainly did not carry his fair share of the work load. Never mind that my husband would have loved to have a few momentos from his mom and dad's lives and the farm where he grew up and worked.

Yes, the daughter lived near them--on land her father gave her--and was there to help. We tried to do what we could, but lived three hours away. She rejected most of our offers of help. And yes, she needed to have compensation for that.

The money wasn't even a concern for us. My husband can make the same amount easily. We never confronted her about the will. It was just the fact that your father would not want to include you and would rather "punish" you by not leaving you anyting.

You are in the same position. Your father put you in that position and you suffer the repercussions. If that was your father's positon, he should have notified everyone involved and explained it himself.

We would have a much higher opinion of my husband's sister if she would have left something to my husband. But she was mad at him (vindictive passed on) and won't talk to him. We didn't even mention that she got it all in the will. When it was set up, she said, "YOu mean I don't get anything until they are dead." Puts her in perspective!

I know I sound bitter. I personally do not want anything from any of them. But I felt that my kids should have a remembrance of their grandparents--and not necessarily money. That part makes me sad.

So....I don't know what to tell you do to. I guess try to include the grandkids--they didn't cause the rift. And if you like and get along with your siblings, you might want to give them a portion of the profit sharing money. I know that we have put our daughter as our beneficiary on some things because she was the oldest and of age at the time. Maybe that is the case and it never got changed? So many "IFs".

Good luck!

Ask around your friends/church members for a trusted honest attorney. By law if your Father's Will states you were to receive all of his particular money, the opposition has no right to it. But if you feel you need to share, I would split it in half... taking the first half for myself, and then dividing the second half with the opposition. The opposition must understand that you were the one taking care of your Father...

There is a reason for your Dad making you soley responsible for the money he had. There is nothing wrong with that. It's one last gester from him that he trusted you and that he was greatful for all that you did for him when he was alive. If I was you I wouldn't tell them nothing. If they really want to know then it's becomes even more obvious why he left you in charge. Tell them that if they really want to know they can hire lawyers to find out for them, but in the mean time you should grant your father his one last wish and be responsible for the money he left behind. Maybe he wanted to be sure that because you took care of him, that you were taken care of once he was gone. I admire your honesty for wanting to share the money, and at this point it is your decision to do so, but any other information, you should keep to yourself and let the others fen for themselves. I think it downright disgracful that your father's death is fresh and they are only concerned about a cut. You are the mature one in this, and you need to get mad and tell them how disgracful they are being at this time and let them know that you will include them, but the way YOU want to include them. THEY HAVE NO DEMANDS IN THIS and your father made that possible. STAND UP GIRL!!!

I am very sorry for your loss. My son, age 17, completed suicide. It is a loss I will never get over, but I have learned to carry on. I hope you can find a suicide support group. They are very helpful.
I think you should do with the money however you feel best. Do what is right and then no matter what is said, you will be conscience free. WWJD is the best policy.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What you ultimately decide to do is your decision alone; however, in the meantime - tell your siblings you are unable to discuss the "business" of your father's passing as you are still dealing with your grief. Tell them that you have not decided what you are going to do yet and that you will not dicuss it any further until you are ready. Assure them that you will contact them when you have made your decision. If it were me, I would add that any attempt to force me to discuss this further before I was ready would be unlikely to influence me to make a decision that would affect them favorably. Good luck and may God bless you and your family in this time of sadness.

J.,
So sorry to hear about your dad, how sad- glad you did get to spend that extra time with him. I'm sure he appreciated it.

I would suggest that if you have any friends who are lawyers - sit down and draft a letter stating the amount of the profit sharing and then the amount they can expect to receive and the amount of time it will be sent upon you receiving it.

Or you may be able to draft the letter and have it notarized and sent to them by certified mail.

Also include a copy of the beneficiary form if needed.

there is no telling why someone would only include one child on something like this- perhaps it was because he knew that you would share it anyway.

Hope this helps.

I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I think it is very kind of you to split the money with your siblings, though it sounds like you have no obligation to do so.
I hope someone here will have some sound advice on what to do in this situation. It is too bad your siblings are acting this way. Maybe there is something as to why your dad left you as the sole beneficiary after all? Good luck.

ps. The one resource I can think of for you is to go to www.daveramsey.com and look up endorsed local providers for a financial advisor. Maybe you can find a professional to help you get this sorted out to take some of the headache away!

I'm so sorry about your dad. My dad has been gone for 12 years now and I still miss him every single day.

When he died, he left different dollar amounts to my brother and me - for his own reasons. It was his money - he worked and saved for many years to leave us an inheritance. If he left money only to you, I'm sure he had good reasons to do so. It is kind of you to consider sharing, but not necessary.

Please contact a probate attorney though. There are financial implications involved in inheritance and sharing the money if you choose to do so. Don't let your brothers force you to do anything!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you. My Dad commited suicide 12 years ago and it is hard enough without having the family problems. I too had a greedy relative to deal with. You are doing them a favor and they should be grateful and thankful that you are willing to share. Give them what you want on your terms. Stay strong and do not let them push you into doing anything but what you want. Depending on his will they can only contest it if they were not named at all in it.
Good Luck!

J.,

First,I want to say that I will pray for you and your family and the stress that is being caused because of the death of your dad and selfishness of the 'money hungry" sibling(s). Your Dad "left" the money to you because he wanted you to have it; not to disburse his estate. I agree with the writer who says to put the money aside and advise your family that you want to grieve Dad's death first. After you feel capable of dealing with it then you will give them a portion of the money that YOU feel is appropriate because you want to, not because you have to. Also let them know that if they try to press you into anything sooner that person will not get anything. Your Dad may have given you the money to make up for some things that he wanted you to have for caring for him and sacrificing your time. You have 3 children and he may have wanted 1 or all of the kids to attend college and this was his way of making sure they could attend. Whatever you decide advise your family that you do not want them to bring up the money until you bring it up. I would also not provide them with paperwork. If they were intended for paperwork Dad would have included their name on it. Also make sure you deduct the gift tax from the amount that you share with them. (check with an attorney on that portion) You would hate to give them money and then your portion have to be used to pay the gift tax. Also I like the idea of you taking half and then splitting the other half between whoever is left or better yet putting it into accounts for their children if they have children. Your Dad intends for you to reap the benefits of the majority share. If not he would not have left it solely to you.

P.s. You didn't say, but my guess is the ones he did not leave the money to are wasteful and have lots of debt. Let us know how it goes. "Be strong", Joshua 1:9

Bless your heart, I would not want to be in that situation, but it sounds like if you took care of him after your mother died and he only put you as the beneficiary, then you should NOT feel bad about your siblings getting none. They are not entitled to anything just because it is there, and it is so dispicable that people act this way over money. Don't let anyone demand anything from you, and if you just can't deal with it now, put EVERY CENT into a 2 year CD and forget it for a while. Prayers for you.

Your father told you what he wanted. I think you should abide by his wishes. Other relatives greed should not be your concern now. Sharing was a generous thought, but it obviously has not be rewarded. Perhaps that is why your father made the choice that he did about the beneficiary. Take comfort in knowing that you were there for him when he needed you.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you miss your dad very much.

My BIL experienced the same thing, only he persuaded his dad to include the other siblings in the will, even though they had all refused to have anything to do with their dad after their parents divorced. My BIL is the only one who chose to live with their dad, and the other kids were mad at him. One sister wouldn't even send my BIL photos of her children, because she knew he would show the pictures to their dad, and she was spiteful enough not to want her dad to even know what his grandkids looked like.

Anyway, it was a long, sordid, sorry mess, with his siblings and mom conspiring against him at every turn. It finally got settled after a few years, but it was a bad time. My sister has tried to slowly reach out to the other kids in the family, because she is a very forgiving person, and that's helped a bit (though the mere fact that my BIL married my sister, a doctor, had the other kids demanding more money from the will, since my sister obviously makes a good living--I'm telling you, his family stinks). Now that my BIL is slowly recovering from a terrible disease, they haven't reached out to him. He tried to do the right thing by having his dad include the other kids in the will, and it came back to bite him.

Think long and hard about whether sharing the money with your siblings will make them react the same way as my BIL's family did, and have them demanding more and more at every single turn. A probate lawyer can help you make the wise decisions, but remember, some people view kindness and fairness as signs of weakness. I'm sorry to say this, but it is so.

If you are under no time frames/limits, i would tell everyone that you are still greiving and that 'all' matter, money or material will be handled at a later date.... Once everyone has calmed down. Do not do anythign under diress ro by demand. Take time to take control...whether it is 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years. Be open and tell them that you had every intention of splitting the money but you are so hurt by their reaction and treatment that you really need some time to calm down. If you decide you do not want to handle it you can give someone else the power to do so but make sure you are ready. The attorney or trustee can mediate for you. You can also speak with an attorney who can help set the money up in different accounts/trust if you decide to give them some of the money. The attorney can help you 'attach the strings' so to say. You can limits of age, or when they can draw or how much at a time. You can always say too that your dad left you a personal letter on how he wanted you to handle everything. Sorry but death does funny things to the living. It really changes people and brings out the good and the bad. Good luck!

ALSO, ANY PERSON CAN SUE YOU...TAKE YOU TO COURT OVER THE WILL OR MONEY/ITEMS INVOLVED. IT CAN BE TIED UP FOR YEARS THAT WAY. WHATEVER YOU DO...DO IT WITH A PAPER TRAIL AND HOPEFULLY WITH AN ATTORNEY PRESENT. THINK ANNA NICOLE SMITH!

First, I am sorry for your loss particularly because this type of thing is more difficult. I hope you find comfort in him not being in emotional pain anymore.

To be honest, you cannot have a conversation with these people, there will be fighting in my X's family among the children and ridiculously, there will be no money worth the b.s.

I would write them a letter and then let it go. As another indicated, you are not going to know the amount until the will goes through probate so I would not even address how much money you may be dealing with.

As far as the content of the letter I would tell them that you cared for your father because it was the right thing to do and now, you are not capable of knowing his mind, whether he willed you the money because of the sacrifices you made or because he trusted you to do the right thing with it. You are trying to do the right thing in the difficult situation your father inadvertently put you in and the family should be pulling together rather than fighting with each other.

From there, you have to follow your heart. If you feel that the money should be split with the children equally or whatever, that is your choice but you can tell them that you do not feel appropriate not splitting the money. Another way to solve the problem is to split the money equally among the grandchildren to be put in trust for them. This way your siblings really can't say a darned thing because what you are doing you don't have to do and it will benefit their kids, essentially ifs they gripe, it makes them seem more greedy than they already are, picking your dad's bones.

I would also make it clear that you are not going to discuss the matter. When the time comes you will make the decision that is best for everyone involved and if they don't like it that is really too bad because you are doing the right thing and don't need their blessing just as you didn't get their help or blessing when you cared for your father.

Wow, you have a lot of issues. I am sorry about the loss of your father. Take extra care of yourself this year. What to do about the profitsharing? Remember, you have no legal obligation to share this, so whatever you do is from the kindness of your heart. What would you want done if the situation was reversed? What do you think your dad would have wanted you to do? I am a little concerned about the response of your sibling. Is it one or more?? If they are being very demanding, will they even be satisfied if you share?? They may be upset about the money and being left out of the will!! Were there any other distribution of assets from the estate--old life insurance policies??

Do you have any nieces or nephews, if you do not have a pressing need for the money, what about setting up a college fund for each of the grandchildren?
Good luck, pray about it and decide. Also, get counseling for yourself and your kids-suicide of a loved one can leave a lot of unresolved issues.

My mother once asked me what I would do if she and my father left all their money to my brother. After a few contemplative moments, I said it was their money and they should have every right to do with it as they please. If you looked after him and the other two did not, I'm sure your father wanted to reward you with your loyalty. Your siblings are putting undue pressure on you for something your father chose to reward you with. My first suggestion would be to tell your siblings that you were completely surprised by this as you didn't know it existed either and that you feel it was his way of saying thank you for all your loyalty and hardwork helping him over the years. If you still get flack, I would suggest contacting a lawyer for your own safety. My husband and his brother and sister had to do just that with a family member who stole from a very wonderful woman because he thought no one else deserved it. Its an awful thing to have family at odds with each other.

I wish you the best of luck and peace of mind. I wish I could say more, but sometimes your own first instinct is the right one.

You need to ask an probate/estate attorney for help. I would split it for sure.... you have to live with them the rest of your life and you don't want them to be mad.

I don't know that you have to be fair, but if you don't split it evenly, you would always know and that might bother you.

We just went through something similar when my husband's mother died without a will everyone wanted to share their opinion about what they should get and what others shouldn't get. We let the lawyers work it out after trying to work it out as a family did not work. If your father put only your name in the will that is not your fault. You did not ask him to do it and he did not inform you he was doing it. If your sibiling has a problem with that you can't help that. You did not ask for any of this to happen. While you both are his children his last wishes are his. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you find peace with this situation so you can grieve for your father instead of worry about your sibling. If you are concerned about this to the extent that it is causing you pain then consult a lawyer in the matter. Maybe if you are willing to share a small portion then the lawyer can draw up papers that state you are giving them money as a gift and they are no longer to come to you for any more of the inheritance money. Again I am so sorry for your loss.

Get an attorney, but divide the money and if the siblings want an accounting, provide it to them. I know it is hard, my husband when through this in 2007, but it really is worth saving the relationships. I know they put you in a tough place and you have a right to be upset and angry, but is the money worth losing your siblings over? When my grandparents died on my father's side, my father was left nothing and got nothing, not even a picture, and his siblings kept everything. There was a lot of anger and hurt feelings. It took my father almost 45 years to reconcile with his family, in the mean time 2 of his brothers had past away before the reconciliation. My father and his siblings regret the time they spent mad at each other and regret their actions. It may also help to see a counselor and try to get other members of your family to join. It will help with the loss of your father and dealing with the current situation.

Remember that Texas inheratance taxes are insane. Don't tell them a number until it has all been paid for. And then dot your i's and cross your t's with everything nothing tears a family apart like death and money. I'll be praying for you.

first...i feel for you, i cant imagine what you are going through. it is difficult enough to deal w/ a death, but then the family struggle afterwards is heartbreaking.

if you choose to share with them that is YOUR choice. you can do it on your time table in the amount that you want. however, i do think you should share with them how pressured, stressed and upset this situation is making you. maybe they dont realize it or need to hear it straight from your mouth. you are being very kind and generous to them by offering to share with them. however, it is an offer, not an obligation and i wish they saw it that way too! maybe tell them how you feel and you worry about you right now.....the money can be dealt with later if you arent ready to do it now! good luck!!!

Wow! What a tough situation. I feel for you...I really do. I think your siblings are incredibly hurt by all of this and are probably not thinking too clearly. Losing your father the way you did must have been awful. You are so right in the fact that you don't have to share with them but I believe you are doing the right thing by sharing with them. If they want proof of how much it is, give it to them. Clear your name...show them you are doing a good thing. Unless...you might be sharing it but not 50/50. Then that is a decision you will have to make and they will have to live with. Good luck.

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss.

My personal opinion is to get a probate attorney to help you sort through this. Also, I would make NO major financial decisions or changes for about a year or at least put off making major decisions as long as possible. This advice is routinely advised so that you can make final decisions on the facts not emotion. It gives you time to get your head straight.

My reasoning for putting off the decisions......everyone is emotional right now and everyone handles grief differently. Money creates some evil in some people and I honestly believe when going through emotional grieving, many people simply do not think straight and they might not mean to come across the way they are being interpreted. Many people make decisions based on emotions which is the wrong way to make a decision here. You need sound advice so that you can make the best decision on what to do.

From reading your post...YOU have been the primary caregiver and yes you do deserve the major benefit which most states would rule in your favor. It is honorable of you to think of your siblings and that is where I would suggest probate or at least a mediator to help your family during this time of grief.

Best wishes to your family.

Its amazing how money will bring out the "true self" in people. When my mom died (11 years ago)I told my dad I didn't want a cent unless he wanted to put some away in a trust for my kids...He didn't, then recently I found an old retirement account of my moms that dad forgot about. I called him and asked him if he would split it with me ( for the kids) and mysister who is in college. He freaked and went on a huge rant about how we were asking him to "sign away his future" ...nevermind that he blew the enitre $700,000 settlement he received after mom died in less than 5 years! I just decided that whatever...money was more important to him.

Then when my grandpa died last September the estate was supposed to be split 50% to my aunt and the other 50% between my sister and I. Right before he died he told me he changed it to leave it all to my aunt who has A daughter that is 18 and needs to go to college...I have 5 kids.... well I didnt say a word. It is his miney after all and even though I knew she was the one to talk him into changing it it was still his money. Of course I wont want to be the one dealing with my grandmother in heaven over THAT one! :o) So when we were at the house my aunt just informs us "Pop changed the will and left everything to me" I still said nothing. Oddly enough SHE was the one that kept harrassing me and my sister about NOT being in the will?? WTH? She even went as far as to send an itmeized list to me of any and all money she assumes we received during his lifetime. I mean WHAT? So I just sent her a note telling her obviously money was more important to her than family and that was fine. I hope it makes her a good friend.I also told her she knew what she did was wrong by having him change the willa s he was dying of lung cancer in a nursing home but it just defines the kin dof person she truly is and that is the kind of person I choose to NOT raise my children around and have a nice life.

Money makes people crazy. I lost out on close to a million dollars in money rfom my grandparents, but you know, I would rather not have a penny than be that kind of person.

If your family wants to behave like spoiled children, let them. I would really have to examine whether or not any dollar amount I gave them would be enough to satisfy them. I am betting not. So really probably whatever you do will still leave you in a bad light with them, so put it away for your own children and let them eat each other before they try to eat you.

First of all, so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you. I don't know if you've ever listened to Dr. Laura, but she will tell you that you should NOT divide the money. As you said, your dad had the opportunity to divide it in his will and CHOSE not to. You should HONOR his wishes and tell those greedy sibling(s) to get over it. You took care of him, not them. I hate the greed that comes out after a death and sorry you have to deal with this in your time of greiving.
You can always call Dr. Laura Slessinger(?)herself and ask. I'm sure her number is on the web. She hads very valid opinions on these matters.
Best of luck to you and God Bless,
J.