Needing Advice About Keeping My Son with Current Childcare

I would do both. I would have my parents watch my child half of the time and then use another person/daycare for the rest of the time. I think that is the ideal situation. You would have the chance to save some of the money that full time daycare would cost. Plus you would keep a little more distance which can be good for all relationships involved.

You are lucky to have parents who want to help you out. But, a little distance can be a good thing.

D....sounds like a really tough situation. I run a home daycare and feel socialization is really important, but so is family and FREE daycare is very hard to turn down (and it sounds like your parents are doing lots of fun and educational things w/ your son) Is there any way you could maybe put him in a home or center daycare part time? So, he could still see grandparents (and this would give them 2 or 3 days a week to maybe see other grandchildren) but also be exposed to a more structured environment and be around little ones his own age? If you find one you are comfortable w/ and know he is safe, it will be worth the cost. Just a thought...and remember that parents can often say or do things that offend, but they mean well and are trying, so try not to let it upset you and explain that it is NOT personal, you just want your son to make some new friends, but feel it is really important he still get to be w/ them too and maybe on their free time they can see his cousins...you know best how to approach that subject. Good luck and I hope everything works out ok for you!

Most child development experts recommend a constant carer from 0-3, so you may want to hang on a little longer with your current arrangement. Do you have some other children with home care in your area that could come over to play during the winter months for socialization etc. And you can organize play dates on the weekend.
With respect to the family, can you have a family get together? or talk to your mom about this? These issues are hard.

Hi D.....My opinion is you need to do what is best for your child. If you think they are bringing alot of negativity around your son then get him out of there. I know it is your parents but that is not good for your son to be around that. You do whatever is best for your child. And you may be able to get some help from your state for daycare. My state does it (IL) I don't know about other states. So that may be something to check into. Just do what is best for your little boy.

The issues with your mom will not go away if your son is in outside childcare. Don't make the move thinking it will make your mom stop criticizing you.

I like the idea of part time at both places, then you are not totally dependent on either one.

Good luck. Keep reminding yourself you are a good mother and you don't need your mom's approval.

What a rock vs. hard place scenario you're having to figure out! I don't really know what I'd do in your situation, although I can imagine what it would be like. Right now we are struggling SO much in order to keep me home with the kids, but I know that if I got day care for them it would just cost most of my paycheck to pay for that too - and I'd love to go back to school myself. If I had free childcare, I'd be working and/or back in school - and I'd be hard-pressed to give it up.

I know what my husband would tell me to do though - is make two lists. On one list write down all the positive aspects of the situation (i.e. - it's free, you can go to classes, they take good care of him, etc.) and in the other, list all the negatives too. Then rank each of them 0-10 as to how "important" of a bonus or concern they are to you (i.e. zero = not important/no concern and ten = extremely important/major concern). Once you are finished, total the two columns and see which one ranks higher. That will tell you a lot. Alternatively, you could compare how important other things you might have to give up (like school hours to work) would be if you took your son out of their care and put him into daycare instead.

I'd also think about what you'd expect out of a day care you were paying for and compare that to what you are getting out of your current situation. Where are they meeting or exceeding your expectations and where are they falling short of your requirements? There are crappy childcare places out there and some really good ones. You could go and check out a few places too, to get a comparison.

I would just stop, take a step back, and try to assess the situation from a more logical standpoint. That's the best you can do with family sometimes, as it IS emotional.

One other poster already mentioned that there are some programs out there for day care assistance too - You could look into that. If you are concerned about his speech, you may also be able to get into a program relating to that - I know there are assisted programs for that in some areas. Check with the state web sites and run some google searches for child programs in your area - you may come up with something.

Good luck!

Good Morning D..
I went through a simular situation and personally, I wish that I would have went with the day care, the damage is done and this is something,that I am living with the rest of my life.In life we have to learn to break the cycle. Life is to short and teaching our children to love unconditionally come from us. Take control of your son. Your bills will always be there. Have faith you can do it.

D.,
Hello. I am a mother of a two year old boy, and I am kind of in your same situation with the whole grandparents watching him deal.... I understand completley. Have you thought about finding a friend or a babysitter to watch him instead of childcare? Childcare is soooo expensive and sure if you have another child it will automatically add to your expences, but i DEFINATLEY think that grandparents watching your baby isnt working out. If they're going to tell you your a bad mother over a strawberry, then seriously, it's time for a change. You don't need to be stressed out all the time... life is stressful enough in itself, but for them to add to it over silly things isn't good for you or your child. i've found when I'm stressed out all the time I'm not as useful to my son as i am when im in a good mood. I'd think aobut finding a sitter. I work full time as a childcare provider, but I get quite a deal of money each month to do this... there are people out there willing to care for children for not much at all.... do some background checks and reference checks, and i think it will all work out for the better.
Kinest regards and GOOD LUCK- Mrs.N.

I just wanted to point out one thing to consider when making your decision. Please remember that as much as your parents might drive you crazy, when you're in a daycare situation there are MANY things can drive you crazy. Depending on where you put the kids, the other kids can be a problem, the people who run it can be a problem, the way the other parents raise their kids can be a problem...sometimes it feels never-ending. I've never had family who can watch my son so I've been forced to deal with day care. I've found at-home day care to be better.

Having said that, sometimes day care can be nicer because when you have a problem or issue, you can go to the director to discuss it. When it's your mom, that's not always so easy to do!

I switched at-home daycares when my son was 3. I agonized over the decision and it ended up being the absolute best thing I could have done. Sometimes you just have to go with your instincts. Best of luck with your decision.

Could you try talking to your sister? What about sharing daycare with her? Do a mix with your parents 2 days, 3 days ...?

I think you are in a tough situation and I can only speak from one side of the situation. My mother was a single mom with my father no where in sight so for about the first 5 years of my life, my grandparents were my caregivers. Even as I got older I would spend a lot of time with my grandparents and even took vacations with them every summer. As I got older I would still spend a lot of time with them and when I was more independent would willing help them with their needs (mowing the lawn, running errands). Even to this day, my grandmother is almost like my mother more than my grandmother and I cherish that closeness since both my parents have passed away. I know a lot of people who have relationships with the grandparents as adults that don't even come close to having the bond that you can gain from spending so much time with them growing up.

However, I can also understand having the frustration of a situation where it is stressing you out. Have you considered a compromise such as daycare a couple days a week? This way your child gets the best of both worlds. Daycare will help with socialization skills such as sharing and interaction. You can always tell your parents that is why you are doing it and if it doesn't work out, hopefully they will still have the desire to help out full time.

It seems like you are in a tough situation. Is there a way to balance between daycare and where he is currently. By his age, he really does need to be around other children on a frequent basis for socialization. (I have 10+years in daycare, and have two little ones of my own) Eventhough I stay at home, I have chosen to send my children to park district activities when they were around 2 1/2 and then to preschool at 3 1/2 for the socialization aspect. I definitely understand the issue about the money. Maybe if you go looking for daycare-home based or a center that offers a more personable approace-you would know if it was the right thing to do. Good luck.

I think you're very fortunate to have parents who are willing to care for your child, for free!

It's easy to assume that your 2 1/2 year old will take to childcare, but many experience serious separation anxiety. Talk about stress to you! I tried child care, at very nice, expensive places with both of my kids at that age and they both cried and cried so much that it just wasn't worth it.

If you're serious about childcare you may want to test the waters first, before saying anything to your parents, stop by a child care facility and see how your child reacts to being left alone.

My kids both started pre-school at 3 1/2, so before long you may be able to go that route.

Good luck! B.

That's a tough situation.

I would lean toward trying to suck it up around your Mom and keep your son with them. If they are really good with him and take him to classes and out to play so that he does get some time around other kids, then I would try to deal with the other stuff. He won't be this young long and it's great for them both (grandparents and child) to have this bonding time before he's in school full-time.

It would be really good for you and your husband to be able to get out of debt and in a better financial situation going forward and, from what you've written, this seems a small price to pay.

I also don't think that allowing your parents to care for your son can be seen as somehow condoning how they behave toward their other grandchildren, but, if you have a good relationship with your sister, maybe you could get her take on the situation?

However, I do agree with Jen that if you believe there is potential for your parents to something like freeze you and your son out if you do something that displeases them, then that changes the situation substantially. I don't know what caused the rift with your sister, but for them to not speak to their other daughter and to take it so far as to not see their newest grandchild, that sort of smacks of control issues, to me.

If you continue to let them provide free childcare, are they likely to use it as emotional blackmail in the future? (i.e., we've done this great thing for you for so long, now you owe us...) If that's the case, then, it would be a dealbreaker for me.

I feel really bad for your situation. But nothing is worth having your child raised in negativity. These are his formative years and I would put him in some other form of daycare immediately.

You may be able to find some daycare or stay at home mom who doesn't charge too much or where you can do some sort of trade-off. Even if it's temporary til you get your feet back on the ground. You will never get this time back for your son. For me it was more expensive to work than to be a stay-at-home mom. You may want to crunch some numbers to be sure that's not an option for you. You could even consider working part-time when your husband is home.

Lastly, I think you should reconsider having another child til you work this out especially if money is a factor. The stress of both issues with a new baby and even the pregnacy would be insurmountable.

Good luck and God bless.

Hi D.,

I read your story and wanted to comment. First, you are terribly stressed and no wonder why, working full-time, bills, school, and your son. When we get so stressed the smallest things become the biggest things and when we have so much responsibility we begin to think everything is our responsibility. So, what I'm taking is that your issues concerning your mom and your sister need to be put aside, cause it's not your responsibility to make your mom visit her grand children, and if you do want her to do that then just start asking her to make more effort on your sisters behalf. As far as your relationship with your sister...we all see things through different angles. If you asked 3 people who witness an accident what happened you will not get the same response. I hope I'm making sense. No matter what you experienced growing up....you're sister is still your blood. The best way to get over past pain is to pray for that person. Trust me on this one...I know first hand (cheating ex). It will do wonders! and forgive her for everything too. Forgive is not forgetting but rather relieving them of having to pay for what they have caused.
As far as childcare goes...I think if the above two issues were not there, you probably wouldn't have an issue with childcare. If your mom were continuously demeaning your parenting skills based on the way she wants you to parent then there would be reason to put your son in childcare, but older people are snippy and sometimes rude. So, I'd stick with your parents, just take care of the major issues at hand and make your life work for you. I think it's wonderful you and your hubby are planning a new baby. Don't make it a financial burnden by eliminating a great resource for you guys!
Hope this helps!
Take care,
C.

Take the financial burden. Your stress will start to spill over, not only causing problem with you mother, but potentially with you sister, than eventually it will come between you and you husband, and possibly child. You can find descently priced child care if you look in the right places. Good luck, keep strng, and pray and everything will turn out fine.

You are definitely in one of those situations where you will probably feel like you don't win either way. However, I never had my mother babysit. So if you can continue the relationship as is do so, as time flies and the little one will be in school. Also, even if they do not respond continue your relationship or reestablish one with your other family members.And since you didn't state exactly why your parent won't talk to your other family member perhaps you can stay in the neutral seat as they appear to have their own issues. It took awhile for me to learn this: They are the only family you get and until I experienced the death of a parent I didn't realize that my family was just as dysfunctional and wonderful as the next.
If your child has a bad diaper rash due to your parents not putting them on right perhaps a good discussion is in order. Also however, babies tug and pull at the diapers making it look like no one knows how to put them on and if you all survived your childhood I am sure baby will too.
I have been working in the education system for many years, and more time with your children was my goal also. But I have been a substitute and a teacher aide and tutor. Regular teachers, administration, etc. have to plan lessons, grade papers, and go to conferences. If your stress level is bad you might consider this,and subbing always helped me because I could take the time off (but it is less money and stressful during the daytime unless you have a goal that is different than what I picked up in your note. Summers off is somewhat of a misnomer as you have to keep yourself updated and certified so you have to continue your education. All in all I think you have kind of nice set up and I admire you for all you are doing with working and baby and school. You sound like a really wonderful mom who cares about a lot of people and things will work out. You could be creative with some new ways to destress. How about a nice hot bubble bath? aaaah....

I don't think you should feel guilty that your son has a great relationship with loving grandparents. When he is older, he can make his own judgments about how they are with his aunt. People are complicated - but children don't need to know all of that.

The childcare question, I don't know. Childcare for two can be really expensive. I can understand why you would resent that sort of attitude from your mother, but preschool age is coming up for your son - it might be a good time to make a change. What does your husband think about it?

Personally I don't think having your mom care for your son condones her actions towards your sister. But I am concerned if she can freeze out your sister on a whim that she might do the same to you - which would be hurtful to your kids. I think I'd want to protect my kids from that sort of flakiness. If it's just something between your mom and sister only, though, that might be different.

I would think about putting him in preschool when he is 3 for maybe 3 days a week and let you parents take care of him the other 2. This may be a good combo both moneywise and your son will still get to see his grandparents.
On the issue with your sister, perhaps you should just lay it all out on the table and be honest with your parents on how you feel. You may be quite surprised.

Good Luck and let us know what you decide.

I think you should continue letting him stay with your parents for different reasons 1)that is his blood...his family...more so the people you can turn to no matter what crisis in life. are you really ready just to present your child with new faces at daycare, and people that dont know his likes and dislikes? and secondly, i think you just need to RELAX and keep in mind that YOU are important...let things be the way they are right now...let it go and surrender to life, let things happen and try not mixing things up so soon. you should be acceptive of all the free help you can get right now while you are in school and focusing on your changing career path...GOOD FOR YOU!! plus i think you would still be stressed after putting him in daycare over feeling guilty towards your parents.

You might want to consider entering him in the part-time PreK programs that are free in your neighborhood public schools to help reduce some of the burden on your parents, while given your son son more social time with others. Apply ASAP to get him into next Falls classes. And about having a second, that's something you will need to figue out, infant daycare is so expensive and it would be very hard for your parents to handle two kids. Nanny share might be a good option.

First and foremost do they love your child and take care of him with all of their heart. If so no childcare place or babysitter will replace that. Also you say something about speech and socialization. Have him evaluated by your school district to see if he needs early childhood services. Or enroll him in a park district activity. Does the diaper catch what is needed or is it a mess, do they leave him that way?
Unless these days you are made of money, save where you can and when you see him make it the best time for him.

Not a big fan of family childcare. I feel it is a conflict of interest. But childcare is so expensive and it is hard to find good help. What do you do? Here's some ideas:
1) does your school have childcare? Will it assist you?
2)What about the part-time thing?
3)Is there a neighbor that could watch him? I have a great neighbor who supplements her income watching two kids. She is great and she is right across the street. Plus it is extremely affordable (families can be emotionally expensive). My SIL also did this while she worked before she had her second.
4)Tough it out for a year..and give your self some time to pay off the debt and make an alternate plan and find other care...check out community resources...a church?
5) My mom returned to work when I was in preschool. I had two older sibs, and so my mom hired an "empty nester" to stay with us until she got home from work. It worked out for everybody.
This is such a hard decision, but you should take the time to make the decision that is right for your family!! Good luck

I'm confused. Are your parents great with him or do they not know how to put on a diaper and don't teach him what they should?

At that age you may want to look at the socialization that a group daycare could provide. But if they are bringing him to classes then he can get that from those things.

Is he cared for how you want? If no, then move him. If yes, then leave him.

N.

I have been in similar situations. When my almost 10 year old son was a baby, he went to my mother in law's house five to six days a week. She was amazing with him (she should be, she raised 9 kids!) They had so much fun together and did crafts and walks, and to top it all off it was free. There were things about it that I did not like, though. For instance, she didn't feed him the most nutricious diet a mother could hope for. I think he ate mac and cheese or hot dogs or whatever he asked for every day. And there were ALWAYS cookies. I would tell her that I'd be picking him up at four and we will be going home to have dinner at five, and when I got there he'd be finishing up a cookie snack. It bothered me, because he'd never eat dinner, but I talked to her and she got a little better. But everything that bothered me aside, it was a wonderful experience for my son. He and his grandma have a wonderful relationship and I am so glad he had such a wonderful childhood. He even skipped preschool (we were really broke!) and he turned out fine in kindergarten. It was a bit of an adjustment, but he figured out how to make friends pretty quickly. If you're worried about socializing your son, how about asking your mom to take him to playgroups? Or, if you really want him in daycare, what about only two days a week? I would not take your son away from your parents full time. We live 2 hours away from grandma now and I wish I could give my two younger kids the gift of grandma time I gave my oldest.

As far as your sister is concerned, it is beyond your control. I don't want to get too long winded here, but there are some sibling issues in my family, too. Maybe they're jealous that my inlaws got the kids more often, but my sister is clearly their favorite. I have just accepted that they will pay for her rent, cell phone, car payment, etc and I don't even get a birhtday card. Maybe parents just gravitate to the child with the most need? Mine haven't moved out yet so I don't know! :-)
In any case, whatever you do with your parents will not change how they deal with your sister. If I were you I would lose the guilt and enjoy a good relationship with your mom at this time in your life.

Good luck!

Hi D.,
We as moms are always second guessing our decisions for our children, especially if we work. Please know that the most important thing is that your child is well cared for and is a positive nurturing environment, if this is not the case, then you need to rethink things. It will soon be time that you will decide that your son is ready to move on the the next level and attend preschool and then Kindergarten, etc... and things will work themselves out as he grows up and goes to school. For now, please separate your parents care taking from your parents personal issues from your childhood and with your sister as they are not related. It is up to you to intiate a conversation with your parents at some point regarding their behavior with your sister to get it off your chest and to find out what the real deal is, but again, this is separate. Having family taking care of children has its positives and negatives. Yes, it is great to have your children with family and save all the money, but on the other hand, they feel they can give advice, tell you how to raise your children and sometimes don't do things exactly how you would like, it is a trade off and it is up to you to decide if it is worth it. We all want the best for our children and the right answer is the one that makes you and your family the happiest. Life is way too short not to be happy. Good Luck.

Hi,
First, be realistic , your parents have shifted more favor toward you because they are estranged from your sister. I have been in this situation with my own mother and it took my brothers and I, our father and others nearly 30 odd years to realize what my mother was doing and then admit that our mother saw strength in division. If we were all mad at each other but we all loved her she was happy. My 24 year old daughter is now estranged from me, my brothers, her grandparents on both sides but my daughter still talks to my mother. My brother and I don't allow our children around her now because this is where playtime on our childrens' minds begin with her. This vicious cycle will affect your children and it WILL continue through your children. We are all now estranged from my mother.

Second, Continue to receive the free childcare from your parents but you and your husband should plan to put your son into childcare. You should first decide whether you will allow your parents to keep your son for 6 months or 1 year or whatever you and your husband decide but you should decide something, it will make it more real for both your parents and you and your husband. Make financial preparations to ease the added expense into your budget.

Next, talk to your parents and let them know you and your husband's intentions and give them a final date so that they are aware and can prepare likewise.

Last, let your parents know that you love them but that you don't agree with how they are handling the situation with your sister and that it is affecting your family.

I hope my situation will be of some help to you.

You need to list the positives in your life and if something is causing you stress, you have to determine the change that you need to make. Sometimes it's as simple as working to change your attitude - it's really the only thing we can change in ANY situation.

The way I see your positives: Great husband, wonderful son, mother who watches your child full-time, spoil them rotten, saving money big time on child care! ...etc....

The negatives: Their critizism and negativity, lack of mom/sister/grandchildren relationship (not your problem!) inept diaper skills...etc...

Would you have to stick this situation out 2 more years - you are already having angst about it???? Sounds like you benefit, BIG TIME, from your parents involvement in your lives. There will always be give and take.

As far as mom/sister relationship - and who was the favorite and who was not.... that's all in the past! My life, in a nutshell: My husband was 4 of 5 in his family - always the really good son but number 5 in the "favorite" category. Yet, we were the ones who opened our home when my mother-in-law couldn't live alone anymore in her home. We took care of ALL her personal needs, NO ONE BARELY VISITED HER FOR TWO YEARS-called, but, couldn't even come on Mother's day. WHY???? Because of their twisted jealousy of Mom having a new favorite! HUH????? We worked to remodel and sell her home...etc... all the while, we listened to her dail phone calls from her "other children" At the end, before she died, I believe she did have a deep respect for my husband/her son.

My point..... you can invite all of them to your house as a nice gesture and a neutral spot (doesn't matter if you live closer/she lives farther!) however, if your sister resents her relationship with her mom, (and resents you possibly for moving into the "favorite" spot), she needs to work to repair it, not you. Don't get yourself in the middle of it and should your mom begin ANY negative discussion regarding your sister abruptly end it. Keep your conversation positive. Maybe she feels your sister doesn't make time for her??? You're enabling the situation by letting your mom dump on your sister, via you. You may be concerned about getting your mom upset and you may not be the favorite by taking this stand but it's the chance you take for doing the right thing. If your mom doesn't have any outlet for negative talk, she'll either find someone else to share her negativity with or actually have a conversation with your sister and your sister could initiate it. Don't continue to make this your problem. Life's too short and your sister needs to mend this, if this is her desire. The won't be around forever.

Lastly, if your son needs speech/social evaluation, go to your local school district. At three years old, many districts offer these evaluations free - you just have to make that appointment and schedule it. Whether you believe that he needs any help in any area, it's good to get the evaluation and may help with determining the path that you want to take for a child care change/or not. Good luck.

A couple of things come to mind:

- your mom sounds like someone who needs to be needed; you may have been more independent during childhood which resulted in her desire to dote more on your sister. Now you need her and she's very happy to be there. your sister may be in a better financial situation, not going back to school, etc.

- everyone loves to the best of their ability, we all just have different abilities.

- you can't fix your parent's relationship with your sister, only she can.

- you can work on getting a better working relationship with your parents on care tips for your son; it's a matter of figuring out what approach works with them. if what I said earlier is true, then approaching things you want changed with "i really need your help on something...." or "i'm so lucky to have you two to help us through this tough time.." "i have a huge favor to ask of you.." it's all in how you phrase it.

- sit down with your husband and write down your short and long term goals and then make a list titled 'if money weren't an issue' - this is the fun one - but a good exercise. Write them separately and then go over them together. see where you match up and where your priorities are different. where is he with the childcare? is your stress affecting the marriage? create a joint set of goals and post it where you both can see it. check in 6 months and i'll bet you'll be past those goals and already done with some of the 1 year ones. it works to put the goals in front of yourselves.

You're a wonderful, loving, thoughtful mother who is working to put herself in a great situation for raising children. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't worry about all these things. It speaks to who you are. I'm sure you'll find the right path for your family.

AH