Needing Advice

I would be honest with him. He may very well feel the same way meaning he is a bit uncomfortable having little girls over. If he's a reasonable guy, he'll understand.

go along with her on the playdate to his house. Hang out with the dad, talk to him, and that way you can see what his parenting style is like.

My DD is 5 also and I would never leave her alone in someone's house I didn't know - male or female.

Good luck.

i agree with the previous responder, who suggests having your husband go along with your daughter. i think men can "read other men" better than we women can. if your husband feels good about the man, listen.

Hi. I completely understand your dilemma. In fact, although I have 3 boys, we do not allow any over-nighters. (Unless with family). I would say to ALWAYS go with how you feel. EVEN if it means offending the father, which as a father, it shouldn't. But better to offend him than risk explaining to your daughter the consequences, should there be any. I think if you generalize you should be okay. For ex- "We don't allow our daughters to play in homes where there isn't a woman, or older girl at home. Even if there are teen-age boys in homes of friends that we know very well, without the mom there, we say no." You can also explain that this is as much to teach your daughters what appropriate circumstances are as to protect them. Also, if you explain that it is nothing personal, but a consistent standard that you must maintain. Understanding, and regretting his personal situation as unique, it does make it difficult to explain why another situation would not be okay, should you make any allowances.
Again, the father should be understanding. I would probably also at the very start tell him that it is very difficult for you to have the conversation because you are concerned that he may think it is a personal reflection of him, when in fact, you want to be sure that he knows it absolutely is not.
If he's offended. Good thing you listened to your feelings!

BTW... I am a single mom. I did not take any offense to what you said as being directed at single parents. And I would hope that there weren't any single parents who would choose to take offense at your statement.

Also, You may want to be careful as a married woman going to a single man's home. I know! So many crazy things to think about. Good Luck! I'm sure you will know what best to do.

I think it's great you'll go over there to get to know him. We had a friend who was a stay at home dad and the Mommy and Me group we were in said it was just for mommies. He was so lonely, and so were his kids! They just wanted to have friends. If you still have reservations after you get to know him, you can have your husband double check and then make a decision. Enjoy the friendships your whole family will build!

You need to be comfortable with a parent before you leave your child with them. Why don't you try inviting him and his daughter over for dinner and while the girls play you can get to know him a bit. If you're still uncomfortable then let him know that. He will probably take it personally. Part of him will understand from a parents point of view, but the other part will be offended. You shouldn't mistrust him without knowing him. Hope this helps.

For the first visit, just go with your daughter to the playdate. Get to know the dad. There does come a time when you need to let go, a little bit. It is hard to do. You need to know that you have taught your daughter what she needs to know to be away from you. Not all single men will hurt little girls.

You should never do anything you feel uncomfortable with but maybe you should make an effort to get to know this single dad more so you would trust him. I guess my first thought is how is this different than a single mom. I would hope you would have the same reaction regardless of the gender of the parent if you don't know them. Plan playdates together until you better get to know the parent better and you feel comfortable allowing your child to play there with out you (if that is possible). Being a single dad does not make him a predator, regardless you should feel comfortable with where your child is at all times but make an effort to trust this neighbor just as you would any parent of a child your daughter wishes to play with.

A.,

I would come out and be honest with him and tell him right off the bat that you not trying to offend him in anyway yet your daughter is your world and you are uncomfortable about the situation.

When I first moved here, I had to tell my roommate (male) the same thing because I have a 5 year old but at the time she was 3.5 He respected my honesty and I also had to explain how my older sister was molested when she was young. I kinda made him feel threatened too because I told him that my daughter and I got a phrase that if something like that ever happens to her, she has to come say the phrase(I will not say the phrase but it is easy enough for her to remember and I continue to reminder her no matter how old she gets) and when she does ONLY we (mom and daughter) will know what she means and she would only have to point the person out.

I also went on to say that if something ever happened like that...it would me and her fathe that they will have to deal with because she is our pride and joy!.

I assume you and your children are close you should invest in a phrase for all of them that way it would be all of you alls secret and if you do decide to eventually let her go over there and play that you remind her of the phrase every chance you get. Good Luck!!!

Firstly, in this situation, I would go with my instincts, which in this case is you feeling uncomfortable. While unfortunate that we live in a very judgemental society, you can't afford to be wrong when it comes to this kind of situation and your daughter. As for telling the Dad, I would say something like, "My daughter doesn't really like playdates without me around when she's in an unfamiliar place" or you prefer to keep an eye on her when shes play-dating. You could even say it's you. Eg: "I always worry when shes playing somewhere new so I dont really like to send her anywhere, because I'm neurotic that way" And if all else fails, you could just tell him you don't really know him very well, and these days being what they are, you'd rather not. HTH and good luck :)

Hi A.,

Jsut responding to your question on Mamasource. I would go with the appropriateness of the dad, has he been acting appropriately with regard to the children? If so, I don't see any reason why he wouldn't act appropriately with your little one. Has he done anything that gives you concern? If still concerned for whatever reason, maybe you could make up some excuse, and just meet them in the parks or some public place with the kids to play til you get to know him better. Ma;ybe he is a wonderful father! M.

ps - my little boy plays with a child of a retired single dad who lives nearby. It has been working out very well. Go with the comfort level of your child and see how she reacts and how she says the visit was.

My suggestion is that the play date be set up at a time when your husband can hang out with your neighbor and watch football. You can suggest it under the auspices of you needing some one on one time with your younger daughter. This way your husband can monitor the situation and get some guy time with your neighbor. My husband used to do that with the guys in the neighborhood who had their kids over the weekend. I am sure that this man just wants to reciprocate, but until you have a stronger sense of his parenting and character it is always best for one of you to be there. I would recommend this in any situation where your child is spending time with their friends parents. We do not let our boys (who are teenagers now) go to anyones house without us having the opportunity to first build a relationship of trust with the parents.

Don't do it if you don't feel comfortable--trust your heart! He's probably just fine, but just let him know you don't do drop off play dates much yet, and you always like to come with her the first several times she plays at someone else's house.

listen to your intuition and don't worry about hurting this mans feelings he is a grown man and can handle it. Just say you are not comfortable with your daughters being at his house unless you or your husband are there.

I think you are wise to be hesitant. I also think, though, that if his daughter and yours are such good friends you should make an effort to get to know him. Maybe before your daughter goes over there you should invite him and his daughter over to your house for lunch to get to know them better. If you still have an uneasy feeling about it just tell him that until your daughter is older you have rules that she's only to play at your house. No matter who the other parents are.

I always believe in going with your gut. So, maybe you need to spend some time with both families together so you and your husband and really get to know this guy. On a flip side though, I work full time and my husband is the stay at home. He continually gets left out, feels isolated and my two little girls unfortunatly get the brunt of it and miss out on play dates and other social activities because women tend to shy away from males and females don't really like to include men. It would be nice if it was more of a stay at home vs work at home and not female vs male.

Can you make it a "family playdate" and bring over coffee and donuts or something? That way you can get to know him - make him feel welcome in the neighborhood, and further scope out your feelings about him.

You seem to hardly know this neighbor? Although, his daughter comes over and play with your daughter quite often, I would believe you spoken to him, correct? Is there any reason you would not trust him? Or is it the media that has scared you? Most people are honest.

I can understand your concern thou, and I'm pretty sure he would be concerned himself being alone with two girls, because unfortunately, our society has made it that way and with all due respect, quite understandably.

I would suggest you have a talk with him and tell him your concerns. I'm sure he will understand, if not, well, then you'll have to make a decision upon that. Hopefully you can get to know each other. Perhaps have him over for dinner. Eventually you could start letting your daughter play at his house for maybe 1/2 hr, or you can be there with her, joining him for a cup of coffee. Good Luck.

I just wonder is it fair for you to assume that something is wrong with him doing the same thing you are? Being a single father doesnt mean he is wierd it means he is a man who has taken responsibility for his children. ASk yourself how would you feel if something happened and you were caring for your children alone. what would you tell your children if they wanted a friend to come over and the parents response was the same as the one you are having now.maybe you should tr to get to know him. He apparently feels comfortable enough to allow his children in your home. I bet with some research you would find most of the time when something bad happens to a child it is not a single dad involved. quite often it is a relative or close family friend. and often a man with a wife .

My kids are younger so I have not encountered this yet but I am uncomfortable letting them go anywhere with people I really don't know. I suggest doing play dates where you are there till you are comfortable. Also offer for her to come to your house as well. My daughter is 3 so I can't imagine I'd be comfortable either and to me its not about him being older or a single dad just about leaving my child with people I really do not know.

my son is now 17 and this has ALWAYS been the rule. he doesnt hang out with friends or go to their homes until both my husband and i have met the parents and have had them over to our home for dinner. if they dont have time to have dinner with us then they are probably too busy to supervise the kids anyway. we have been doing that since he started being social. i think you should get to know him before you send your daughter there and just tell him, this is our rule and when we feel comfortable she will be allowed to go to yor house. if he is a good parent he will understand your concern. he may turn out to be an awsome person .

Hi A.,

I would never let my children go to others houses without knowing the parent or parents. My two oldest sons are in College now, but for my daughter (high school)the rule still applies. My kids are all very intuitive about people so I must have done something right. It hurts my heart though that you would think differently about a "single" parent. I was a "single" parent who was very attentive and loving, and after people got to know me they would send their children over to play, as a matter of fact I would not allow children whose parent or parents I didn't know to come over. Please be careful before judging who is a caring parent and who is not.
"single" parents are people too :)
peace, T.

Hi A.,
Why don't you go over to the neighbor's house with your daughter? That way, you could honor the request, get to know the single dad a bit better, and feel comfortable about your daughter's safety.
Much love yo you and your girls,
H.

You should never do nything that you feel uncomfortable about. Exspecially in vegas. you never know who or what could happn My philosophy is go with your gut. I am a victim of the unknow and i would never want anyone to ever go through what had to go thru.. my mom never new til I was 18 yrs old and i finally told her. I have lived thru this my whole childhood life.

God bless,
T.

Just let him know you have rules you have laid out for them to follow as they grow up and how your going to stick to them, be sure and tell your daughters what the rules are before you tell him and make sure they understand them and that your only looking out for them as they grow up.
Hope this is of some help to you.

Go with your daughter to her play dates. The father might also be uncomfortable with the idea of someone elses kids playing in his house with out their parents their, and welcome the fact that you want to be there. It may seem unfair, but this is the world that we live in.

Follow your gut instinct. Be honest or come up with any excuse that sounds good. How about, "We choose to have our daughter have play dates only at our home. Unless the girls are in school together how would he knoe otherwise? Blame it on the other sibling--she would feel left out so we play here. When it comes to sleep overs use the nightmare excuse. "Shegets nightmares when we are not at home." If he is from an older generation he may not be aware of all the child safety issues and may respond well to blunt honesty. Or try this..."We know another single dad whom my child has a friend with and we do not feel comfortable with her at his home so for consistency sake and to prevent confusion we choose to have all playdates here.