Need Your Opinions And/or Suggestions

M. -
I have a daughter who smokes too. She knows how I feel about it. I realize, though, that there are so many good things about her... she will tackle this when she is able. You can't do it for her. Nicotine is supposed to be the hardest addiction to break. I've heard that Chantix really will work. Just watch for any side effects. They sound like a wonderful couple. Be their biggest supporter.

M.,

In my profile my answer to "The hardest thing about being a mom" is...minding my own business.

We do our best to raise our children and that is all we can do.

Do not beat yourself up over your daughters choice to smoke and don't blame her boyfriend. All of us are responsible for our own thought process and choice at the end of it. Hopefully she will get sick of the cost and smell and decide to stop.

I know it is hard but we have to "mind our own business". I stuggle with it daily. That's what being a mom is all about.

Hang in there...

Sweetheart,
I understand. My mom has smoked since she was 14...she turned 60 this year. She has the beginning of emphysema but still smokes in her home, car, you name it. I personally have had to find peace that God will take her when he is ready for her. She makes choices, so my children and I do not go to her home nor do we ride in her car. She understands she can not smoke in our home or vehicles and when the babies were little, she had to change clothes here in order to hold them. You taking on the ownership of this and so personally is not healthy. Find some resolution and peace about this being her choice....she knows what it can do to her....just love her and encourage her. The negative energy will prolong the habit. I commend her for not putting the child in the polluted air......that is what matters at this point since he can not defend himself from it. Truly surrendering this issue to God has given me peace and has broken down the wall of resentment I have to my mom....I need to be grateful for each day I have with her and make them count...smoking aside.

I could have written your post, with the exception of having smoked and used alcohol. My dad convinced me I'd die of cancer, and my mom convinced me I'd go to hell. Well. . anyway, I went through EXACTLY the same with my daughter--unmarried, pregnant, quit smoking during pregnancy and started back. She married the bum, got pg again, and he left in the 7th month of her pregnancy. Looking back, I can tell you that the smoking is really NOT the biggest problem in the world. Her relationship with Christ is. Pray for that and all the "symptoms" of rebellion will go away. Today my daughter is married again 12 years, has 2 more, goes to church, doesn't smoke, and loves the Lord. It's hard to watch, but they do "get it" eventually.

It is something that you have no control over and it is eating you up because you can't change it. Your daughter is a grown woman with her own life and she has made these choices. You will have to find a way to change your negative feelings into positive so that your health (physical and mental) won't be injured. Think of all the things that she and the fiance do that are positive and go with that. These feelings may have come from the things that happened to you in childhood with your dad and stepdad. There is a saying about accepting the things you can't change and change the things that you can. Don't beat yourself up. You never know when things will chane for the better. I will be thinking of you. The other S.

It bothers you so much because you love your daughter more than anything and it makes you angry because this is your baby's baby that has parents who smoke and you have no power to stop them. If they were endangering the baby's health or safety in anyway, you would have a right to step in, but since they aren't, it is their life and they have a right to make their own decisions. Good luck to you and congratulations on your grandbaby!

It bothers you because you want better for your daughter than you did for yourselves. We parents want our kids to avoid the mistakes that we made. Add to this that so much of our time and energy and love is poured into raising our children. They become an extension of ourselves. While we can say, "She's a grown-up. She has to make her own choices." It is much harder to actually follow that advice. Her actions bother you because you care.

Now you know that you cannot make choices for your child. However, you are still her mom and have some influence. I remember a time when I was making foolish choices. What helped me come around was love. My mother just loved me. She accepted me as I was at that time, while still silently hoping (and I'm sure praying) for a better me. But I didn't feel judged or rushed or pressured to do what she wanted. She didn't bring it up. She did a lot of listening and I'm sure tongue biting. Ultimately, I had to decide for myself to make the changes I needed, but that cushion of love certainly helped.

Here's the simple solution. Don't judge, don't preach and definitely don't give her ultimatums. She will come around in due time. If you want to keep a relationship with her and you grandchildren just be there for them and they will come around. It will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do because you have always had the ultimate control but she is an adult and will have and has made her choices. All you can do is show her your love. My daughter has done exactly the same thing and she knows this bothers me but I feel in my heart she will come around and see how this hurts me and will one day stop before it completely damages her health.
good luck to you.

M.,

This is a touchie subject to bring up becuase she is an adult and if you get on her about it she will push you away. Or at least I would if it was my mom. I would be insulted. I don't smoke or drink but I would feel like I was being attacked about my life and my way of doing things. I know you want to care for her. I lost loved ones this last year due to smoking and others before due to drinking.

I think that if the moment came that felt right, you could mention your conserns. I think that she probably will stop when she is ready. It usually takes both her and partner both to do it together. My sister smoked and it was hard for her when her husband smoked. She only smoked when she drank except when drinking. I hate that excuse. Why do you need a cigarette to enjoy a glass of wine or a beer! Anyways, she quite for her two boys too.

Ultimately, I think you will have to pray about it and think if it is really somethink you want to end up fighting about. In the end, it is going to be her choice and she probably won't quit for you asking. It didn't work for me on my grandmother, sister, mother or Nanny. I do wish you the best of luck though.

If she does listen, there are assistant programs. She can take medication that will help her not crave the nicotine with out puting nicotine in her system like the over the counter stuff. Best way to go.

God bless and I hope you get through to her.

What benefit does one get from smoking and drinking? None. Both are habits that does the body NO good! How much money is wasted on cigarettes/alcohol? Does the bills/morgtage get paid in a timely fashion? Is there money to do extra curricula things? Get a picture of a healthy lung/liver and then a smokers lung/alcoholic liver. Put these photos in an area where your daughter/her significant other can visualize them. Post as well the cost of beer or whatever alcohol beverage and a pack of cigarettes over a period of time. Schedule a tour of a cancer unit at a local hospital and have your daughter/the significant other take the tour with you. Also having a cigarette in your hands looks like an adult with a pacifer. The smell/smokers breath/dental damage.... groce.

Also, you might mention to your daughter/the significant other that researchers are discovering that smoking is a contributor to ADD/ADHD in children.

Take care and good luck.

Yes, it is gut-wrenching watching our daughters make big mistakes that we know from life experience are so harmful. That's the pain of parenthood! Since you obviously have only love in your thoughts (no other subliminal motives), why not speak the truth to her? Tell her what you told us? That you know she has to lead her own life and make her own choice and you will continue to love her and support her no matter what, but that it is very painful for you to watch her do what you did, knowing the consequences. And then just offer to help - assist her in finding a doctor to help her quit, or a hypnotherapist etc. Good luck.

It has to be incredibly hard to watch your child destroy or damage her body and what's worse is she's endangering her daughter's health as well. But, you have to be able to put her in God's hands. You raised her as best that you knew how and she is now an adult and makes her own choices. Remember, no matter how much you worry and fret about this, it does nothing to change her. It only hurts you. I've watched my parents go through many hurts because of the choices my sister made. I think the worst part has been watching them enable her. I would encourage you not to enable her in any way. Don't pay for her smokes! Also, you can pray for a time to sit down and talk with her. God can prepare both of your hearts to speak and hear what needs to be done. She is God's ultimately. He just gave her to you for a while. Allow Him to be in control of the situation and quit trying to take on the fixing of it. Be encouraged.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db...

This link is to an article called "When Children Go Astray" by Elder John K Carmack that has offers some wonderful, profound insights about this very thing. I highly recommend reading it.

Just some quick things to say from me:
Show her your love for her. You can love a person with out loving the choices they make.

Try to understand that as an individual she must make her own choices and accept the consequences of those choices.

Remember that as a parent, you have done the very best you can. Don't be overly harsh on yourself.

Pray. I don't know if you are a religious person, but prayer for her, your grandchild, her fiance, and yourself will go far.

The fact that it breaks your heart says that you are a great parent. Yes, she smokes. Now amount of telling her your family history, unfortunatly, will help. I know for a fact. My family is the same. I was a smoker and have had 2 kids and smoked. My mom has used every available moment to hint that I need to quit.
Your daughter won't quit until she is ready. It doesn't matter if the fiance smokes or not. Granted, it's not easy to quit when your significant still does smoke but when she's ready she will quit.
I am 34. I've been smoking since my senior year in high school. I qiut this past April. Why? All because of a dream. I had no intention of quitting until the dream. It scared me. I dreamt that my girls were not much older than they are now and I had throat cancer so bad that I could no longer talk to them. I woke up crying and started the patch a few days later.
In all your daughter does, remember how you were a a young adult. Take comfort in the fact she doesn't suject the kids directly. You only need to step in an voice the problems if the kids are in danger.
Your daughter will come around in her own time. Be there for her and support her and don't judge and don't be pushy or it will drive her against you.
Best of luck to you.

Hi M.,

Your situation with your daughter sounds very much like my relationship with my own mother. As a teenager I lied to my mom about partying, drinking and sex. Even when I was pregnant at 16 I was still trying to lie about it. I did have their support and I was able to become a strong, productive individual. I married my high school sweetheart, and I am one of the very few that it works out for.
Fast forward 13 years...the relationship with my mother is still strained. She can't seem to get over the bad choices "I made"...emphasis on I. I am now 30 years old, raising my family, working hard; and any time I make a choice that she doesn't agree with, she brings up the past...you partied, you drank, you had your son before you were married. Come on already!
The best solution for me has been to remove myself from her critisizm (spelling). I hardly talk to her, I don't take my kids to her house...and then she complains cause she doesn't see us...Hello-stop your complaining!! I will admit that I don't like to keep myself from her, but it's what's best for me and my sanity.
Now...I understand that you want to help your daughter improve her quality of life... Do you realize that your "teaching days" are over? I don't want to sound harsh...but she is an adult. She's going to do what she wants to do. You did what you knew to do when you were raising her, and now as a mother the best thing you can do for her...is not tell her what to do, but instead pray for her. While it would be good to share with her the effects of smoking/drinking, but at 22 years old she already knows.

From what I gather.... Do not think that your daughter's poor choices are a reflection of YOU. Or your job in raising her. You can not carry her burdens. You can not take on her offenses as if they were your own.
I will be praying for you. I would never wish for your relationship with your daughter to end up like mine with my mother.

D.

You have to let her live her own life.
Hopefully they do not smoke around your grandbaby.
If you push your issue with smoking on her she may turn away from you. or hide it.
There is plenty of information out there that smoking kills.As you said her CHOICES are breaking your heart. but remember she is an adult and making those choices.

The hardest thing to accept is the fact that she is now an adult. She will always be your baby, but her decisions (and her fiance's) are hers to make. All of the messages that you imparted to her are there and she will come around to them, including the smoking. She will probably be pressured as a parent to give up smoking. And, the financial cost of this nasty habit will be hard for a young couple to handle with a baby at the start. Remind them of the unseen costs of smoking, such as, missed time from work and medical expenses because of sinus infections and bronchitis for all three of them. She is closer to maturing than he is, but time will help with a lot of these things. Hang in there and good luck. Unfortunately, many of these things they are going to have to do on their own timetable. But tread lightly. They both know how you feel. MOther of a 24 year old.

I really don't think there is much you can do considering your daughter is grown and raising her child as she sees fit. Unfortunately, she is probably still imature even though she is a mother. Twenty-two is still very young. I was not making the best choices 100% of the time at this age either; I can't imagine raising a child at this age. Probably, the more you push the issue the worse it will become. My dad smokes; it just makes it worse when anyone brings it up. He knows it is not good for him or the people around him. However, he still does it. I just think he likes it or he would stop. I feel sad for your grandbaby in this situation. It sooo bad to smoke around anyone; young children especially. The baby is breathing all of that secondhand smoke in; which is hard on the little ones lungs. The only thing that I could think of suggesting would be to offer the opportunity up for your daughter to compromise. Maybe she could commit to just not smoking around the baby. Make sure she washes her hands after smoking as well. Any residue of smoke is very harmful.

Do what I did- paste pictures of cancer all ovr lthe house- mig mouth cancer sores and people with jaws removed- and liver infested with canceer- pop them all over the house- send them the message and thats the best you can do-
I can understand your frustration and felt like that when my son started to dip- I also popped a pic of my aunt witht heoxygen tank on his computer-
Now a days there is not excuse for ignorance- there is to much notification- Im 46 and there was no knowledge of the dangers or classes or promotion against it-
Do the best you can do- try suggestioning accupressure-as well.
Ask them if they have a will that states that if they should die of cancer that you get custody of the kids- sounds tough but could be affective

D

The best thing for you to do is to not try an control your daughter too much. Encourage and pray for her to stop smoking is the best thing you can do. I myself was an early smoker started in my teens. Got pregnant early an quit during it although started back after that. As time went by I became very addicted an smoking became a stress releiver for me. I tried quiting a few times an was unsuccessful. Although later I got prayed for an no longer craved a cigarette. Just speak positive to your daughter an give her respect. My mother was a very controlling woman an criticized me alot. Which would just make me want to smoke more. You see she did negative not positive an you don't want that to happen. Especially having a grandbaby cause this has affected my daughter in a bad way also. I am now having trouble with her in her teen yrs due to this past.

You're definitely in a hard position and I feel for you. My only advice is 'you can attract more flies with honey than you can vinegar.' Try and be genuinely nice and compassionate with your daughter AND her fiance. Do nice things for them expecting nothing in return. Once you have their heart, they'll be a lot more open to wanting to know your opinion. Try and get in a real good church and invite them to come with you. Central Baptist of McKinney is an awesome option!

Wow, I really appreciate your dilemna on so many levels. I also smoked and quit many years ago and hoped my son learned from me that it was a hard thing to do and wouldn't ever smoke. My daughter in law didn't quit until her first child was very small at birth due to smoking. She did an incredibly hard thing and quit on delivery, nursed and has never started back, I am so proud of her. But it wasn't anything I said or did, it was seeing the result of her behavior that helped her have the stamina. I think when we make mistakes earlier in life we hope our children learn from them and don't repeat them. when we do some of the angst is the guilt and dissapointment in ourselves as much as dissapointment that they didn't learn better. Sometimes if we just forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made in learning and realize we really can't control anyone elses behavior, then it is easier to just love them unconditionally and let go of particulars. As a nurse I know all of the reasons for not smoking, nursing, getting immunizations etc. I just remind myself I can love my grandson and respect my childrens decisions whether they would be mine or not. If asked for advice I give it with love, but only if asked and try really hard to preface it with the something positive about how they are handling a situation. This is my biggest lesson and I really appreciate how hard it is for you. I hope it goes well for you. Nothing is better than loving family around and supporting us.
K. @ The Nestingplace

I know you love your daughter or you wouldn't be writing, but just from the way you describe her I can hear you judging her. Not going to college, out-of-wedlock pregnancy, etc. You said told her she could always come to you, yet you say you raised her that smoking was not an option. If she broke the rules & it was "not an option" how could she feel like she could come to you? It's so hard to be a mom. You said she's a great mom, so she's a huge success!You are so blessed, and she is blessed to have you. Just be the best mom, mom-in-law & grandmom you can be. Don't nag her. Don't give her "the look" if she smells like smoke. She knows exactly how you feel- I promise! Quitting smoking is SO HARD- give her a break. Pictures of cancerous lungs and other ridiculous tactics will only turn her against you. Be thankful she's not smoking around the baby. Keep being there for her like you always have. Pray for her, but more importantly pray for yourself to let this silliness go. The things that matter most in life are all there- so many people would give anything to have what you have. Be thankful for your wonderful grown-up daughter and try not to judge her. You will get there, and you will let it go! Best of luck to your whole family.

Your daughter is grown now. Pray on it and continue to be a positive influence for her and your grandchild. Blame no one or yourself.

God Bless.

I identify with your tale about smoking. Both my parents smoked when I was young. I was never going to smoke either. Then I met my husband and he smoked. I didn't for some time, but I succumbed after he tried to quit (for a day) and couldn't. I knew I'd hound him all the time, so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Not a good choice for me. He still smokes. I still smoke after 32 years but I've had times when I didn't and I enjoyed them.

A lot has changed in 32 years in the public view about smoking. My dad died of lung cancer 13 years ago. I have two daughters, 24 and 28, and they both smoke. The older has already been told she's at high risk for emphysema. I'm having issues from smoking. My husband happily puffs away.

Your daughter is an adult, and she's getting ready to marry and move out. Remember the Crosby, Stills, and Nash song "Teach your Children Well"?

The teen years were tough on me. Now that they're in their 20's they've told me some of what they did in their younger days, which I was mercifully spared from knowing at the time.

Chantix is a good prescription product to quit smoking. I tried it and it worked well, but I didn't follow through with refilling it for the second month. (It's around $130/mo.) I should have because I had quit and it removed the desire to smoke.

We all know the hazards of smoking these days and smokers have almost had to go underground. If you hound her about it, you're just another one of the pack of hounds. It's ultimately her choice and she'll make the right one eventually. Don't drive a wedge into your relationship over this issue. Please.